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Pessimism about future after a fantastic relationship...

eachcomingnight

By eachcomingnight
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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eachcomingnight Established Member

eachcomingnight

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi all,

Your advice has been wonderful over the past month following my breakup. It has worked well when I followed it and when I have been stubborn and resisted, I have quickly learned how foolish I was to do so :o

 

So I'm just over a month out of my relationship, it was a LDR although we spent two consecutive summers together and visited each other every two months (America-England). We communicated every day via phone and skype. I was looking for jobs in England as it seemed like a logical next step. I didn't necessarily see it as a "forever" move as he had expressed interest in living in America at some point in time. It's worth noting that I have been interested in living abroad for quite some time and he was not the only factor in this decision.

 

To make a long story short, he ended up expressing feeling "distant" in February, and this only got worse as time passed. We met up in March and he ended it. He insisted there was nobody else involved (and I do not believe there was) but that he didn't feel he was ready for where this was going. I truly believe that the pressure of me coming over set his anxiety about commitment spiraling out of control to the point where his worries outweighed his feelings for me. But in the end, the reason doesn't matter so much as his decision that we should end the relationship.

 

Here's my problem: he was absolutely wonderful, both to me and just as a person. I really struggle with advice like "don't put him on a pedestal" because in my eyes he belongs up on that pedestal. He is what I want in a partner and he treated me the way that anyone would love to be treated. Friends were jealous of our relationship and my friends/family who met him absolutely adored him. Kind, patient, thoughtful, intelligent and i cannot leave out his attractiveness. The right mix of seriousness and excitement, strength and understanding. We traveled to several countries together, I surprised him and took him to his first ever football game just a few months ago - I know that this is just a laundry list of things and does not convey a true sense of the relationship, but it's just a few examples of some of the things we have enjoyed together.

 

I don't believe in soulmates, "the one," etc. and I have proven to myself over the past 5 weeks that I can live without him. I am a strong person and have always been independent. Prior to him, I had commitment issues which I had been able to overcome because of how sure I was of my feelings for him. He had some of the same issues, but has not been able to overcome them in the same way. I should mention that this does not mean he has not shown me affection - he showed me a great deal, and did not act like a "commitment phobe." I think he truly believed that he was ready to commit to me. But when push came to shove he could not handle the pressure.

 

What I am really having a hard time with is the belief that at some point in time someone else will come along who I will love as much and who will love me as much back. I think that if I could truly believe this I would be able to let go. But my difficulty with this is what is holding me back - because as I try to "move on" I still hope to get back with him out of fear of never finding someone like him again.

 

Does anyone have advice specific to this kind of situation? I have broken NC once and will not do it again. I know that time will help heal but I am really looking for stories of finding someone else after being with someone who you feel was really worthy of being up on that pedestal. Already, I anticipate the response - yes, I can find someone who loves me enough to want to keep me around for the long term. But I fear I will not find anyone who is as wonderful as he is.

Edited by eachcomingnight
OzHeartache Established Member

OzHeartache

Posted
Posted

 

What I am really having a hard time with is the belief that at some point in time someone else will come along who I will love as much and who will love me as much back. I think that if I could truly believe this I would be able to let go. But my difficulty with this is what is holding me back - because as I try to "move on" I still hope to get back with him out of fear of never finding someone like him again.

 

 

 

Great question!!

I know I feel the same way and see it mentioned in others posts aswell......guess its part of the emotions of a break up that you have to go through but I know that I need to work on my self esteem/self worth more so that I don't feel this way again.....its hard to put into practise though but im just trying to keep busy and "do things for me" but don't think that's helping with the above :(

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eachcomingnight Established Member

eachcomingnight

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yeah... although I was pretty happy with myself pre-breakup I have been doing my best to make positive changes just so I can get a positive out of this situation. However, I don't feel my self-esteem has been too damaged as I don't really blame myself for this situation. I don't think I could have been a better girlfriend, and I do believe that he is going to look back when he has gotten this desire for freedom or whatever out of his system and regret making this decision. I don't think he has ever successfully managed the shift from infatuation to true love - and so when the butterflies faded, he panicked. He's going to go through it again - and I even told him that. But you can't reason through a situation like that. He has to find it out for himself.

 

Anyway, I guess my point is that it's not my lack of confidence in myself, but rather in my lack of confidence in my ability to find someone who is so great who is also single (at a time when so many couples are taking "the leap") and who I am also attracted to.

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ViciousCycle Member

ViciousCycle

Posted
Posted

If there's one thing I am learning, it's that is a giant world and there are so many people that you can be compatible with. It seems like you realize this. I am in a similar situation to you, and I am realizing that things will work out when I find a person that I am compatible with and that it mature and ready to "settle down."

 

It's so hard to see anything positive coming in the future. His commitment issues are rather large, and indicative that he isn't right for you. So you definitely can do better.

seahawker64 Established Member

seahawker64

Posted
Posted
Hi all,

Your advice has been wonderful over the past month following my breakup. It has worked well when I followed it and when I have been stubborn and resisted, I have quickly learned how foolish I was to do so :o

 

So I'm just over a month out of my relationship, it was a LDR although we spent two consecutive summers together and visited each other every two months (America-England). We communicated every day via phone and skype. I was looking for jobs in England as it seemed like a logical next step. I didn't necessarily see it as a "forever" move as he had expressed interest in living in America at some point in time. It's worth noting that I have been interested in living abroad for quite some time and he was not the only factor in this decision.

 

To make a long story short, he ended up expressing feeling "distant" in February, and this only got worse as time passed. We met up in March and he ended it. He insisted there was nobody else involved (and I do not believe there was) but that he didn't feel he was ready for where this was going. I truly believe that the pressure of me coming over set his anxiety about commitment spiraling out of control to the point where his worries outweighed his feelings for me. But in the end, the reason doesn't matter so much as his decision that we should end the relationship.

 

Here's my problem: he was absolutely wonderful, both to me and just as a person. I really struggle with advice like "don't put him on a pedestal" because in my eyes he belongs up on that pedestal. He is what I want in a partner and he treated me the way that anyone would love to be treated. Friends were jealous of our relationship and my friends/family who met him absolutely adored him. Kind, patient, thoughtful, intelligent and i cannot leave out his attractiveness. The right mix of seriousness and excitement, strength and understanding. We traveled to several countries together, I surprised him and took him to his first ever football game just a few months ago - I know that this is just a laundry list of things and does not convey a true sense of the relationship, but it's just a few examples of some of the things we have enjoyed together.

 

I don't believe in soulmates, "the one," etc. and I have proven to myself over the past 5 weeks that I can live without him. I am a strong person and have always been independent. Prior to him, I had commitment issues which I had been able to overcome because of how sure I was of my feelings for him. He had some of the same issues, but has not been able to overcome them in the same way. I should mention that this does not mean he has not shown me affection - he showed me a great deal, and did not act like a "commitment phobe." I think he truly believed that he was ready to commit to me. But when push came to shove he could not handle the pressure.

 

What I am really having a hard time with is the belief that at some point in time someone else will come along who I will love as much and who will love me as much back. I think that if I could truly believe this I would be able to let go. But my difficulty with this is what is holding me back - because as I try to "move on" I still hope to get back with him out of fear of never finding someone like him again.

 

Does anyone have advice specific to this kind of situation? I have broken NC once and will not do it again. I know that time will help heal but I am really looking for stories of finding someone else after being with someone who you feel was really worthy of being up on that pedestal. Already, I anticipate the response - yes, I can find someone who loves me enough to want to keep me around for the long term. But I fear I will not find anyone who is as wonderful as he is.

 

 

You will love again. How do I know this? My first Wife died, that's how. A little over 5 years ago I lost the love of my life to Brain Cancer. 2 and 1/2 years after that I fell madly crazily in love with someone else. It was a totally different type of relationship and the one that led me to this place. It sucks it's over and I'm feeling the pain but the fact that I could love again was proof for me. You will find someone, I know these things just as in time I will find someone else again. I'm not ready for that but in time I will be and when the time is right it will happen. Don't doubt love.

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eachcomingnight Established Member

eachcomingnight

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Seahawker,

I am so sorry for your losses, but I am in awe of your positive outlook. I do believe that believing that remaining open to the possibility that there is someone out there for us is one of the most important steps to healing.

I feel a little bit more upbeat today.

Thank you for sharing.

 

ViciousCycle,

Interestingly, it was helpful just to hear you say that his issues are big ones. I think I have been downplaying them in my mind. If he is truly not ready to commit to somebody there is nothing I can do about it. It's so easy to think "what if..." but there is no way around this.

 

Thank you!

siankat Established Member

siankat

Posted
Posted

I touched on it in my latest thread

crederer Established Member

crederer

Posted
Posted

I am feeling pretty pessimistic about relationships right now. I try very hard to be a good person in my relationships and I always seem to get taken for granted in one way or another.

 

I almost feel like saying to hell with it and just do one night stands for the rest of my life. But that doesn't sound appealing to me either, so....

  • Author
eachcomingnight Established Member

eachcomingnight

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Haha. He just sent me a huge email about how he hasn't been happy for the last month because he's felt ****ty about breaking up with me. But at the same time, absolutely no indication that he wants to get back together.

 

He also used the term "no contact" so I suspect he's been kicking around on a site (perhaps even this one). If you're reading this, hi!!! :laugh:

  • Author
eachcomingnight Established Member

eachcomingnight

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Wrote a long email back, got everything out, explained that we can't be friends until we have both moved on.

 

I was going to say that "now reality sets in" as he has not emailed back and it has been a day and a half, so it's very likely he will not be responding. However, I know there is a decent chance I may see him again in the future as I'm moving to his city in a few months.

 

Hopefully if we are strict NC all summer I will be able to handle if we do run into each other by the time I get there.

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