Men and the chase

[LilySun]

Spinning off of Calgary's post, it got me wondering about guys who don't like the chase. Is there such thing?

 

What about this: the woman initiates most, if not all encounters with the man. He welcomes it every time; he likes her; but he is never the one to initiate.

 

So what does that say about the guy? 1) afraid of rejection? 2)Likes to be chased instead of the chaser? 3) or simply, he uses her because there is no one else after him?

[carhill]

From a male perspective, there's a large difference between initiating and chasing. Calling a lady up and asking her on a date is initiating. Not taking 'no' for an answer and persisting in overt pursuit is chasing.

 

A man who does not initiate is passive. If he's sufficiently attractive that initiation doesn't become part of his style and he has successful relationships, then passivity in this aspect works for him.

[Woggle]

I don't like the chase because I like drama free and peaceful relationships.

[LilySun]

I don't like the chase because I like drama free and peaceful relationships.

 

So, in letting the woman initiate all contact, this somehow avoids potential problems or drama?

[Woggle]

So, in letting the woman initiate all contact, this somehow avoids potential problems or drama?

 

I never said that. I contact her and she contacts me but nobody is chasing or being chased.

[ffw]

So, in letting the woman initiate all contact, this somehow avoids potential problems or drama?

 

It's more about mutual interest & not about playing games.

[LilySun]

Ufcrocks, I understand what you mean by that. Sordof goes along with the rejection theory...can't feel rejected if you are not making effort.

[soccerrprp]

Hey, LilySun,

 

As I said in the other post, I engaged in it once. And it was not a good experience. I DO NOT LIKE THE CHASE. It simply doesn't need to or shouldn't happen. There's something that just shouts "EGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" when one is engaged and turned on by the chasing.

 

I want to find my lover and friend w/o the drama.

[LilySun]

Perhaps calling it a "chase" was wrong on my part.

 

In the scenario described, the man already has the woman. She initiates almost all communication. And he is okay with that.

 

Some men just don't take charge, don't communicate and let the woman dominate things. I just wonder why since it's apparently more "manly" to be the one calling, arranging dates, etc.

[carhill]

Unfortunately, you've moved the goalposts. If you're talking about an existing relationship, what you're describing appears to be imbalanced. Again, my hypothesis applies. If the man, being passive, is sufficiently attractive and/or compelling to retain the relationship and feels healthy within it, it works for him. His lover may feel differently.

[LilySun]

Yes it's a relationship....and mine He has always been this way, and I have always been the one to move things along, if you will. He rarely initiates things, but responsive when I do. I guess he is just happy this way, like you say. He is not a very emotional or aggressive type, never has been. I was even the one to suggest our 1st date. It shows in other ways that he cares for me. But I do wish he would dominate more, or do more things to try and impress me. I am already impressed by the man he is in general, and he is a good man. But guess I don't feel wanted enough.

[Feelin Frisky]

It doesn't say anything concrete about the guy. He may realize that she likes to initiate and may even turn on him if he starts initiating. I've been though that. As soon as I admitted love and started initiating then the whole thing went to pulling back on her part. If I ignored her she was after me. So, after realizing this to be a fact, I policed myself into never looking like the pursuer even though I had impulses to initiate. I think it may come as a surprise that it's more often the female who wants to do all the chasing. Personally I don't want it to be a game but it is what it is, and you have to adjust within it to keep playing. I don't like the idea of looking like I'm "chasing" anyway. I don't chase women who have let me know they are not interested. It's demeaning.

[LilySun]

That is a good point. Maybe he thinks I wouldn't like it if he dominated more. Comfortable with how it is, so why change it. I do not mind being the usual contacter. On top of that, he also does not express his feelings with words, over time I have simply learned to read what he feels through other actions. I am adapted. I just have no idea why he is this way.

[crude]

Men like to be flattered and shown that they're desirable too. Chasing someone who's playing games and following some rules from a book is demeaning to many men. The stereotypes are wrong much of the time. Women setting themselves up as goddesses who need to be courted and impressed while they do nothing in return aren't worth the effort. I prefer two people in a relationship doing their share, rather than a one sided scenario where the man is made to be the flunky dreaming of winning the woman who sits lazily on a pedestal.

[carhill]

That is a good point. Maybe he thinks I wouldn't like it if he dominated more. Comfortable with how it is, so why change it. I do not mind being the usual contacter. On top of that, he also does not express his feelings with words, over time I have simply learned to read what he feels through other actions. I am adapted. I just have no idea why he is this way.

Since this isn't a hypothetical, but rather your real relationship, I offer that the best way to find such things out is to directly communicate about them. Share; tell him what you want and need; ask him what he wants and needs. Face the issues together. If he cannot or will not communicate, then you have a decision to make.

[LilySun]

Yes, I need to talk about it. I am shy and have trouble trying to talk about things like this. I am like him in the sense that I express myself better through actions than words. I also don't want to give him the impression that I'm not happy because I am. So I do not know how to say what I'm feeling the right way.

[carhill]

You can be happy and wish for more open expression of feelings as well as initiation by your partner. Your personal happiness and those issues are separate. However, walk down the path of unfulfilled needs and wants for too long and your love bank and happiness will get impacted. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, to paraphrase an old bit of advice from my departed mother.

[charlietheginger]

Men like to be flattered and shown that they're desirable too. Chasing someone who's playing games and following some rules from a book is demeaning to many men. The stereotypes are wrong much of the time. Women setting themselves up as goddesses who need to be courted and impressed while they do nothing in return aren't worth the effort. I prefer two people in a relationship doing their share, rather than a one sided scenario where the man is made to be the flunky dreaming of winning the woman who sits lazily on a pedestal.

 

This scenero played out with me awhile back.

 

A women came close to me i said hello .

Next day at the gym she said im buzy

I said ok i wont bother you

Next day i ignore her she came over all nice

Day after we chatted some

Then saw her at walmart

We kinda did the exchange smiles a week or so

I lost interest

She started bending her ass infront of me teasing

We talked a little more

Then more hot n cold

Cat n mouse

 

i told her on many occasions how nice she looked

Her new hair cut how nice it looks

How cute her new gym clothes are

not all at once

 

This chick never made me feel good about myself

Never said hey you look cute today

Or i like your new hair cut

 

I finally relized she was being one sided

A friend told me she cant figure out why I

Wont ask her out.

 

I saw her at the grocery store she flirted

Dropping fruit showing her ass.

 

She stood up i told her " look your to good for

Me im a fooking looser" then i said i gotta go and

Ran away.

 

She plays that dumb rule book i had to put a end to

It no way im gonna dance through fire and walk on water

For some piece of ass.

 

For what? I court a chick thats rude and never makes

Me.feel good about myself?

 

Not gonna do it

[fortyninethousand322]

Spinning off of Calgary's post, it got me wondering about guys who don't like the chase. Is there such thing?

 

What about this: the woman initiates most, if not all encounters with the man. He welcomes it every time; he likes her; but he is never the one to initiate.

 

So what does that say about the guy? 1) afraid of rejection? 2)Likes to be chased instead of the chaser? 3) or simply, he uses her because there is no one else after him?

 

Usually 1 or 3. Personally, I just don't like to be rejected and I think "the chase" is nothing more than glorified game playing. I'll pass on that.

[LilySun]

Good advice thank you.

[JuneJulySeptember]

What about this: the woman initiates most, if not all encounters with the man; but he is never the one to initiate.

 

Dare to dream.

 

[imtooconfused]

What works best for me is if the woman initiates, and the man chases. As someone else in the thread called it, the cat and mouse game.

[Granin]

I detest the "chase" and I quickly lose interest in any woman who tries to play me

 

 

Relationships shouldn't be about mind games. Quite the contrary

[nerd]

Indeed. One of the nicest things about the relationship I'm currently pursuing is that it's so easy. I'm curious to see how long that lasts though.

[KungFuJoe]

ahhhh...the chase...the game most played by idiots.