Scarlett5 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 What do I do next? I have always 'chosen' men who are somewhat emotionally unavailable and, as a result, I've had many short 'relationships' that have caused me emotional pain and impacted on my self esteem. I have grown tired and exhausted of it on many occasions and have spent most of my life single for some respite. I'm 28. My issue now is that I've identified why I am drawn to this type of man - basically I have 'daddy issues'. I've had some brief therapy and I feel as though I have a very detailed understanding of my behaviour, relationship patterns and choices. I've dated quite a few emotionally available men who were keen, respectful and could have offered me the type of healthy relationship that I want. The problem is, I have just not been attracted to any of these guys - my feelings have been more platonic. If I didn't know better, I'd just think that I was attracted some guys and not others - as we all are. But I know it's their emotional dysfunction that I'm drawn to. So how do I change this? I don't feel capable of changing who I'm attracted to, and I have no idea how I can work on this. Being aware of my issues just isn't enough. The thought of carrying things on with any of the available guys I've dated makes me feel sick, as I just haven't had any feelings for them other than friendship. But I can't keep falling for Mr Unavailable, as I'd love to experience a happy, healthy relationship with someone who cares for me and respects me. Can someone please offer any advice? As I'm really not sure what the hell to do about this. Thanks for reading 1
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 It's nice to know you're not alone with this hey Sunshine. Let's hope someone has some insight for us.....
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 They basically worked with me to discover the underlying subconscious issues I have that lead to my choice in men and my subsequent relationship patterns. It's like it's expected that once you figure all of this out about yourself, you'll be free to make healthy choices. But I just don't think it works like that. Although I am very aware of it.
Woggle Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Deep down you are probably a commitment phobe and until you confront that you will always chase unavailable men. I don't know how you can fix it. 1
tbf Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 They basically worked with me to discover the underlying subconscious issues I have that lead to my choice in men and my subsequent relationship patterns. It's like it's expected that once you figure all of this out about yourself, you'll be free to make healthy choices. But I just don't think it works like that. Although I am very aware of it.Did you outright ask for their opinion of suggested coping techniques? The reason I ask is my personal experience with therapy after discovering the ex-husband's infidelity. I had to outright ask for her opinions and suggestions.
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone. Yes I realise that I go for the unavailable so that I can't get too close to them and risk being rejected/hurt. But this is SO subconscious it's almost unbelievable. On the surface, I would love to be close to and in love with an available guy and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I can't possibly experience any more hurt than I already have, surely. I had a great childhood and was brought up by a loving mother and grandparents. My dad was around less after aged 6 months and then after around aged 3, my parents completely split up and I barely saw him as he seemed to become less and less interested. He's always been in my life though and our relationship has always been 'fine', never close though, and he's not the most expressive of men. Although I have always felt ok about things and that I have never known any different, my therapist suggested that this would have really affected me as a toddler and that I'd blocked it out as a defence mechanism. As a result, I'm subconsciously scared of this rejection reoccurring and so I don't let myself get close to guys to protect myself. Again,I totally get why I do what I do. I just don't know how to change it...it's all very subconscious. 1
youngnlove89 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Correct, it's due to fear of getting to close so people unconsciously date the wrong person knowing that the person wouldn't get that close. There's only way to over come that is to face fear itself. It probably has to do with your childhood experiences. I don't know if you're willing to do but if you shared your childhood experiences you can over come it by using certain tools to over come those fears. I find this to be very true and didn't really grasp it until I read more into it and found out that I was the problem. I have always been in relationships that didn't last long and recently my last relationship was with a guy who couldn't commit (and told me this from the beginning) and we were off and on for 2 years. Until I finally (hopefully) ended things. I think I might have commitment issues, because there are a ton of guys who would love to be with me and commit, but I don't like them that way. And I have no idea why! They are everything I say I want in a guy, but I turn them down. I also have issues with trust, my dad was a cheater and left my mom and I for another woman. I also have been cheated on in the past and never really quite recovered from that pain. Hmm makes me think... 2
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 I think I might have commitment issues, because there are a ton of guys who would love to be with me and commit, but I don't like them that way. And I have no idea why! They are everything I say I want in a guy, but I turn them down Me too....and I've really tried to turn my situation around, but I just end up feeling even more disheartened.
ScreamingTrees Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OP, I don't think anyone here is a therapist. If the therapist can't answer these questions, I think you're just sort of screwed for the time being, until you come to this conclusion on your own. Can't really change who you're attracted to, but this seems more mental than physical. If even an attractive guy is unattractive if he's available, you've got to figure out why you feel this way about that sort of person. Perhaps you don't even feel you're worthy, and so you consider them to be "inferior", if you will, for willingly treating you well? That's what I took from it.
chelsea2011 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone. Yes I realise that I go for the unavailable so that I can't get too close to them and risk being rejected/hurt. But this is SO subconscious it's almost unbelievable. On the surface, I would love to be close to and in love with an available guy and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I can't possibly experience any more hurt than I already have, surely. I had a great childhood and was brought up by a loving mother and grandparents. My dad was around less after aged 6 months and then after around aged 3, my parents completely split up and I barely saw him as he seemed to become less and less interested. He's always been in my life though and our relationship has always been 'fine', never close though, and he's not the most expressive of men. Although I have always felt ok about things and that I have never known any different, my therapist suggested that this would have really affected me as a toddler and that I'd blocked it out as a defence mechanism. As a result, I'm subconsciously scared of this rejection reoccurring and so I don't let myself get close to guys to protect myself. Again,I totally get why I do what I do. I just don't know how to change it...it's all very subconscious. I had the very same issue and was able to overcome it. It seems from what you posted that your father was emotionally unavailable to you at an age when you were developing how to relate to the opposite sex. It has an impact. You probably learned that you had to jump through hoops to get emotionally validated by your father. So it would make sense that you subconsciously seek out those type of relationships as an adult. That's what you were taught. Do you feel like you end up doing things that go against who you are to please these emtionally unavailable men? In other words, do you "mold" yourself to fit the situation and set your own wants and needs aside?
chelsea2011 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) I wanted to add one more question. If you did set your own needs and wants aside, did you end up feeling upset that were being neglected? This is what helped me change and as a result I stopped attracting these type of men. Seeing that I always ended up feeling like my needs were unimportant to them was the catalyst I needed to change. That was the correlation between them and my father. If I do attract one now I am able to set a boundary and they don't even try because they can sense it...lol. Edited May 6, 2013 by chelsea2011
Mrlonelyone Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OP, I cannot offer a solution. Just know you aren't alone. I too attract as friends and lovers people who have a certain kind of mental issue. Even knowing this I don't know how to change....especially when it comes to lovers. I am trying to do this. Of the person has an issue are they at least working on it? If so then I can be with them. Perhaps you can meet a man who has the emotionally unavailable issue , be it a fully fledged disorder or not, who is working on themselves. Nothing is worse than loving a person with issues who think's they are perfect.
youngnlove89 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Not true at all I helped a woman who was depressed with her job and dating life. I suggested one thing I learned from a book and she changed. She was going to a therapist for 5 years yet one day changed outlook and attitude in life. Well shoot...where can I sign up?
starla33 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I wanted to add one more question. If you did set your own needs and wants aside, did you end up feeling upset that were being neglected? This is what helped me change and as a result I stopped attracting these type of men. Seeing that I always ended up feeling like my needs were unimportant to them was the catalyst I needed to change. That was the correlation between them and my father. If I do attract one now I am able to set a boundary and they don't even try because they can sense it...lol. I have the same issue with unavailable men, but I don't really have daddy issues so not sure where it comes from. I'm working on getting better, but I do all of the above.
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 I had the very same issue and was able to overcome it. It seems from what you posted that your father was emotionally unavailable to you at an age when you were developing how to relate to the opposite sex. It has an impact. You probably learned that you had to jump through hoops to get emotionally validated by your father. So it would make sense that you subconsciously seek out those type of relationships as an adult. That's what you were taught. Do you feel like you end up doing things that go against who you are to please these emtionally unavailable men? In other words, do you "mold" yourself to fit the situation and set your own wants and needs aside? Hi Chelsea, I definitely think you're right....and yes I often have the feeling that I'm not really sure what's happening in the 'relationship' - and rather than setting my own boundaries I guess I do mold myself to the situation. Not something that I do in any other areas of my life! It becomes a catch 22 then I suppose and as you say, I feel like like my needs are being neglected. You say you stopped attracting these kind of men - I think I attract a mixture of men, and there are some good ones in there. But as I said, they aren't usually the ones I like. Maybe I just need to learn how to set clear boundaries and not compromise on my wants and needs, whoever I'm attracted to? 1
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thank you UFcrocks, I'll have a look at those books
pcplod Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 You have trust issues, self-confidence issues and competence issues. The competence issue is in respect of having a childhood that allowed you to observe, just experience, a natural and positive love between your mother and father, simply because it did not exist and the love you had from your mother and grandmother is no substitute becuase it isn't the right type of love that you needed to experience in order to do what most people hope will be a natural thing. The bad news is that this sort of predicament, experience, is all too common, even where a mother and father stick it together until the child/children are grown up enough to look after themselves. For them it is already too late. The dysfunction is already ingrained within them because they have observed no real affection between their parents. In summary, they have no idea what to do, what would be the natural, instinctive way to behave. The reason the therapist can no longer do anything practical for you is that she or he has led you to the precipice. The decision to jump off and hope that the metaphorical bungee rope or parachute will do it's job is purely and solely down to you. This is something that they can't do for you because it has to be your doing, your experience. They can't really push you in any practical way, can they? Apart from which it would be profoundly unethical, in any event. You can't imagine what living like this will be like because you have no experience of it even by proxy, via your parents. You have no idea what it might look like, never mind whether it would be attractive to you. Do you ever dream of loving the idea of being in love? Does that ephemeral concept have any meaning to you? An ecstatic state of mind? A state of euphoria? The even worst part of it is that you wonder what it would be like if the whole thing crashes and burns. How will you feel? How will you deal with it? Will you even be able to deal with it? Guess what? There is only one way to find out. Really. There is no pre-staging, no practice run. Either you do or you don't. If you don't you will probably be in a perpetual state of cycling this thought process for years and decades to come. It may well be that at some point, much later in life, with a lot more experience of life under your belt, you will come to realise that you can now do what you could not do earlier in life. On the one hand that might be something of a pity, to have 'wasted' that time, especially if you have had regrets about not having had children. On the other, it is possible to be phlegmatic about it and tell yourself that it is not possible to force the agenda with yourself and that late really can be better than never at all. Maybe there is just a natural time-line for each one of us to commit to love and lust and that is maybe better not to force it and to inevitably fail and crash as a result. If you read posts here or there from those who are contemplating divorce or separation you will see this as an all too common theme to their situation. 2
chelsea2011 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) Hi Chelsea, I definitely think you're right....and yes I often have the feeling that I'm not really sure what's happening in the 'relationship' - and rather than setting my own boundaries I guess I do mold myself to the situation. Not something that I do in any other areas of my life! It becomes a catch 22 then I suppose and as you say, I feel like like my needs are being neglected. You say you stopped attracting these kind of men - I think I attract a mixture of men, and there are some good ones in there. But as I said, they aren't usually the ones I like. Maybe I just need to learn how to set clear boundaries and not compromise on my wants and needs, whoever I'm attracted to? Exactly! When you feel yourself setting your needs aside stop yourself. It's all about validating yourself by setting boundaries that respect what you want and need. It feels a little awkward at first because you're not used to it, but once you start you will notice a huge shift in how you are treated...you will be treated with respect. You will also start to feel your own sense of personal power and that's the key. Edited May 6, 2013 by chelsea2011 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Wow I could have written the OP. I feel the same way and always have. It's so subconscious that I literally feel butterflies and passion and "in love" feelings for men that are in some way unavailable. I was torn up over it many times and stayed in some undesirable on/off situations for many years in my youth, completely ignoring available guys. I am now 100% aware of my patterns and I have made some progress this way: 1. I deatach immediately if I see that a man is unavailable or bad for me. I have an emotional "off" button that's easily activated. How I developed it? After years of pain and banging my head against a brick wall. 2. I brute-forced myself to date MrAvailable for prolonged periods of time. I would literally push myself not to break up with him. I was in constant inner conflict though, and I had to keep telling myself "you can break it off at any time. You can do it tomorrow. Hold on for one more day and do it then". This worked to an extent but I still wasn't happy or truly felt in love. Therapy has failed me as I wasn't able to find a therapist to connect to. I did lots of self-help type of stuff though. I now think that I am capable of falling for MrAvailable but I am at an age now where it's too little too late. I kind of missed the boat and there are very few single men left. I kick myself for not trying harder to work on my issues when I still had my youth. I do feel at peace though and am finding fulfillment outside of romance arena. Not sure I have any advice for you, except to keep trying to push your own emotional boundaries, even if you feel uncomfortable or scared. 2
Author Scarlett5 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Wow it's so interesting to read all your replies. I'll respond later on when I have more time to type, but at the moment, my main thought is that I really want to work through this sooner rather than later. I don't want children for a good while yet but I do realise that if I ever do, I want to be in a healthy relationship at the time. It's hard enough looking back at my twenties having not experienced it, but the thought of never having the opportunity to have children and looking back on that with regret makes me shudder. Travelling is my priority at the moment though
starla33 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Wow I could have written the OP. I feel the same way and always have. It's so subconscious that I literally feel butterflies and passion and "in love" feelings for men that are in some way unavailable. I was torn up over it many times and stayed in some undesirable on/off situations for many years in my youth, completely ignoring available guys. I am now 100% aware of my patterns and I have made some progress this way: 1. I deatach immediately if I see that a man is unavailable or bad for me. I have an emotional "off" button that's easily activated. How I developed it? After years of pain and banging my head against a brick wall. 2. I brute-forced myself to date MrAvailable for prolonged periods of time. I would literally push myself not to break up with him. I was in constant inner conflict though, and I had to keep telling myself "you can break it off at any time. You can do it tomorrow. Hold on for one more day and do it then". This worked to an extent but I still wasn't happy or truly felt in love. Therapy has failed me as I wasn't able to find a therapist to connect to. I did lots of self-help type of stuff though. I now think that I am capable of falling for MrAvailable but I am at an age now where it's too little too late. I kind of missed the boat and there are very few single men left. I kick myself for not trying harder to work on my issues when I still had my youth. I do feel at peace though and am finding fulfillment outside of romance arena. Not sure I have any advice for you, except to keep trying to push your own emotional boundaries, even if you feel uncomfortable or scared. I don't know how old you are, but honestly you are NEVER too late. There will ALWAYS be single men and especially divorced men (I mean come on the divorce rate these days is INSANE). 1
BreakOnThrough Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Are you the type of person that likes to take risks, is competitive and wants to obtain things that you shouldn't? Perhaps you feel that unavilbale Men are a triumph and feel that competiting for them will fill a void of obtaining what you can't have. Available Men don't provide the same thrill. One question to ask yourself is if you find that you lose interest once you obtain the unavailble Man's interest? 1
BreakOnThrough Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Furthermore, you are probably VERY attractive and all the available Men kiss your ass. Only those Men who are in happy relationships, not catering to your every whim, are you interested in.
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