Calcmag Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I was the dumper. My ex just broke NC - that he had requested from me when we broke up - for the second time. He said he needs me to know how much he loved me, and still does. He didn't ask any questions, or ask me to reply. What is the kindest way to deal with his contact? Should I respond...even though I feel there is nothing more to say to one another ? Or just not respond?
shiver23 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I would respond as civilly as possible. If you want, my thread These Times Part Deux shows you how my ex responded to me breaking NC. He truly gave me closure on all of it, and I can move on now. Just acknowledge that you had a relationship, but it's ended now? I'm not sure how you would want to phrase it. You know your ex more than anyone here does.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 To be honest, you really shouldn't respond. It feeds their hope, and by responding, what you will do, is to try to remain neutral, and kind, and they will just feel crushed, because what they really want from you as a dumper, is the "I made a mistake I want you back!" speech. Just accept that it's how he feels. Delete the message, and stay No Contact. It's for the best. And thank you for asking. (If you want to, there's the No Contact Guide in my signature. Aimed at dumpees, it's a much valued and oft-recommended text for those who have experienced a break-up at the behest of their exes. It may help you see things more clearly, from his PoV, if you look at it. It's harshly worded against the Dumpers, but it's designed to help Dumpees put things into perspective. And most dumpers aren't as considerate as you, in asking how they should behave.) 2
candie13 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 In case you did give him closure, I think you should reply back saying that you do not wish to discuss with him or with anyone else this matter which ended. The nicest way for you to handle it is to say "no". If he insists, yes, you can go fully NC. Do NOT see him, do NOT hear him out and do NOT break up with him all over again. You will only reject him once more - and he has been hurt enough. You would actually be kind and brave if you did NOT allow him to speak his mind / and heart.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 The OP stated in her first post that first of all, NC was requested by her ex. That while she has complied, and never broken it, he has - twice. And his latest "transgression" was really a comment, with no request for response or input; no question, no request. Just telling her how he felt. This is why personally, I feel continued silence would be best. No response is necessary. Neither should she break her part of the bargain. 2
aisuru Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I would just ignore. I get this kind of text about every 3-6 months from my ex before my recent one (we broke up after a 2 year relationship almost 4 years ago). It's his M.O. with ALL of his ex-girlfriends. I have zero interest in having any contact with him, unlike any of my other exes who I have various types of contact/friendship with. So yeah, just ignore. It will help him to know it's really truly OVER.
candie13 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I've read the OP post again - my bad! TM is dead on it. NC fully on !!! 1
DontBreakEven Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 wow, okay i've read your situation, and this is a super tough one ... I am in the same addicted/toxic situation essentially, except this time SHE is resolved to it being over, so maybe i can help you, since i am the dumpee and don't want to end the cycle (as your ex seems to not either). i requested NC to my ex as well (but mainly it was a manipulative tactic - "fine, you don't want all of me, you get none of me!" - to see if she'd come running back. in the past she would) (i also used to break up with her to be manipulative as well .. it's all very sick). if you are really resolved to this being over forever, i think your only option is to ignore him -- that way he will start to hate and resent you. if my ex ignored me, i'd get really upset but then really angry and be like "okay fine, f*** her". but keep in mind, he will HATE you. but that might help him emotionally in the long run (it's a lot easier to get over someone who is seemingly being a jerk to your feelings). but you will have an enemy. you do have another option, and that is to be polite but in NO WAY hint you feel the same or there is a chance for a possible reconciliation, ie "i appreciate your words. i hope you're doing well." and leave it at that, nothing else, even if he sends another after it. this may still leave some semblance of hope in his mind, though, just so you know. but he will not hate you, he will just be extremely upset over your being distant. those are really your only options if you wish to completely end it. i can't believe i'm helping you lol, because your situation is so similar to mine that i'm really feeling for your ex right now. but you seem to be like my ex, a good caring person who really cares for your ex, but sometimes we just have to finally admit that sometimes people are just incompatible. 1
Author Calcmag Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Thank you so much everyone. So often, dumpers get such a hard time here but it's not always easy for us either. I still love him, I dont have GIGS, I didn't meet someone else, but we cannot be together. And that means that ending it was heartbreaking for me too. I had just been starting to get to a point where I didn't think about him every 5 minutes, and one day last week I woke up and for the first time in so long he WASN'T the first thing I thought about as I awoke. Now this contact has taken me right back emotionally to where I was at the beginning. And it hurts. Anyway, I've decided I will not respond to his contact. He asked for NC right as we broke up. We both agreed it was the only way forward for us both. I've kept to it. He didn't. And really, there's nothing left to say. Now back to the job of healing my broken heart again. Thanks again everyone.
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