Too soon?

[aliast]

I was with my ex girlfriend for almost two years, while raising her child since the child was a month old. Needless to say I was broken up with and lost by the love of my live and my daughter. It was a subtle breakup she just said she wasnt in love with me anymore and wasnt attracted to me like that. At first I did all the wrong things, like begging and saying Id change. Afterall I was heart broken. It was bc we stopped going out on dates which is hard already bc of our kid and we bar tend at the same two places. We grew distant and hell even i became bored and what not but I pushed through that. Its been about a month and a half since we broke up and she has only contacted me once a week about getting stuff. Each week she finds something else of mine as we did live together. I de-friended her on facebook, stopped following her on instagram and twitter(although she is still following me on both). I tweeted a while back that I was moving to a new city and her friend that lives in the same apt complex that she moved into right after the breakup and also works with us randomly asked me how i like the new city. Well I never moved there and its obvious that my ex had put her friend up to asking me. Well anyways, she text me last week about my stuff and i have been working everyday so I said id let her know when i could get it. I text her today asking if after work on tuesday i could get my stuff if that was okay with her. She hasnt replied yet, but when I do get my stuff i want to do it face to face. We havent physically seen each other in about 3 weeks and she changed her schedule to where we dont and i dont know if its bc she has no desire to see me or if its bc she knows it could possibly bring attraction back. Well when i get my stuff i planned on asking how she has been and saying i miss/care her and my daughter and see if she wants to grab a drink sometime. That way if she says no i know its completely done or if she is hesitant or says maybe i know there is still something there. Is it too soon for this or should I just get my stuff face to face and see if that helps? Any information is appreciated bc I do want my family back.

[TaraMaiden]

Unless you've gone through an adoption process, and you are down as the child's joint legal guardian - she isn't 'your daughter'.

It's tragically sad, and goodness knows it must rip you to shreds - but you have no legal connection to this little girl (unless I'm wrong, and I would love to know I am....) so if it's over, you're out of the picture.

 

it might actually be a good idea to discuss adoption, because of your history with the child, and how attached you have become.

Ask her to think about it - but you'd hate to lose your connection to the little girl, simply because you two (adults) have broken up.

 

Be mature.

If she says that it's just an excuse to keep seeing her, tell her she's wrong.

 

But you care for the little one, and you want to continue being a part of her life, and be a father to her.

 

As for your relationship: Play it cool.

If it's over, it's over.... begging, pleading, cajoling won't do it.

But if you offer to be a father to the little girl, and you focus on being a dad.... maybe, in time, she may have a different opinion...

 

A 'dad' has to have staying power. If her real dad is absent, to lose a second one would be tragic.

Emphasise that you don't intend for the child to be without a dad - all over again.

[aliast]

The biological father has never seen her, he told his buddies my ex had an abortion sadly. Well a couple weeks ago i text my ex about the little girl. I said I hope she is doing fine through all this and if she would send me pictures of her from time to time and she never replied. The next text i received was about my ex having more of my stuff.

She wont be okay with me constantly seeing her daughter bc she doesnt want her daughter to be hurt by seeing me.

 

My ex and I have only seen each other twice since the breakup and that was at shift change at work so this will be the first time in a month and a half that we will see each other face to face. I think she has avoided visual contact bc she knows it will bring back attraction. All I am going to do now is meet her ask about the child and how my ex has been and gather my things. She knows I love and care about her so i scratched the idea of telling her that i care and miss her bc it might just make her put her guard up.

 

I really would like to show her we can be a happy couple again but I know in order for it to work I need to let her realize it on her own or it wont work all over again. We didnt end bc of infidelity or fighting. All I got out of it was that she was not happy and wasnt attracted to me like that anymore. She hinted about adoption and marriage and I didnt step up to the plate at that time bc i didnt feel ready.

 

If anyone could lend some guidance I'd appreciate it. Thanks

[Chi townD]

I wish I could give you something positive about this situation, but I can't. If she doesn't want to see you or be with you, then there really isn't anything you can do about it.

 

And it does suck because you got attached to her little girl. So, you sound like a great dude for picking up the pieces and being a father figure to a little girl that didn't have one. A lot of girls will like that quality in a man.

 

I will say that, in the future, if you date a woman that already has children. Request that you don't meet them until you two are sure the relationship is going somewhere.

 

 

Unfortunately, for your situation, this isn't the case. Just make arraignments to pick up your stuff wether she's there or not. Just text her that you're going to be there on this day between these hours. Get your stuff and move on dude.

[aliast]

I know thats probably for the best. If she is willing to throw away a guy that raised her child and treated her like his own then i cant hang my head on that note. If she comes around I'll have to deal with that at another point. I de friended her on fb and twitter and instagram yet she still follows me which i dont get. So Im getting my stuff and keeping strong. The big day is today so hopefully it goes smoothly

[aliast]

So i went and got my things from the ex today. First time physically seeing each other in over a month. I was looking good, just got out of the gym and she just got off work. She was really checking me out. I was set on just getting my stuff and leaving and then she tries to spark up a conversation. She asks how I have been and what not so I just replied with great and asked about her daughter i raised and that was it. She also said if i think of anything else that i might of forgot to let her know which of course i wont but i think the tide is starting to turn in my favor. Weeks ago I was the one trying to spark a convo with her and ask her how she had been etc and now its vice versa. I am taking it as nothing will come of it but it seemed a little different with her asking me and trying to "talk". Should I just continue with things like i have been and not expect her to contact me or does anyone think she will get in touch with me again?

[TaraMaiden]

Play it cool. Be responsible for the little girl, show concern and assure her that when it comes to her care, you'll always be there. But with your ex-? Be polite but don't give too much.

Let her know you're deeply hurt, but don't "play" the injured 'little boy'. Be 'mature and adult' about it. (Does that make sense...?)

 

If you maintain your dignity, you may pique her interest.... because (I hate this pseudo psychology-"speke") you will have 'control of your personal power'.

 

Fake it.

Be slightly aloof.

 

"It's the person who cares the least who controls the most", so pretend that although it's hurting and you're devastated by her actions - you can make it. You'll be fine, you will survive this bitter blow, because you're made of sterner stuff.....

 

When she sees you're not falling apart in a crisis, she may begin to come around....

I can't promise a reunion or a 'second chance' - but this will help you through it, definitely.

[aisuru]

*sigh* I should just stalk Tara and agree with everything she says on these boards. Cause she says it better than I could.

 

Oye... I haven't dated somebody with kids. Hard fast rule of mine.

 

But I did date somebody for 5 years after he dated another girl for 5 years whose daughter he helped raise from infancy. That was the one part he struggled with. She was like a daughter to him and the greater source of pain the breakup because the ex wouldn't allow him to see her or speak with her. It was tough to watch.

 

I think it's selfish. But it's her right as the mother. He (and you) have no rights as the boyfriend.

 

Unfortunately, you're going to have to let it go or the kid becomes part of a power struggle. It will be okay. Children remember the influences in their life, even from their early years.

 

And then you just let it go... I'm sorry...

[aliast]

Play it cool. Be responsible for the little girl, show concern and assure her that when it comes to her care, you'll always be there. But with your ex-? Be polite but don't give too much.

Let her know you're deeply hurt, but don't "play" the injured 'little boy'. Be 'mature and adult' about it. (Does that make sense...?)

 

If you maintain your dignity, you may pique her interest.... because (I hate this pseudo psychology-"speke") you will have 'control of your personal power'.

 

Fake it.

Be slightly aloof.

 

"It's the person who cares the least who controls the most", so pretend that although it's hurting and you're devastated by her actions - you can make it. You'll be fine, you will survive this bitter blow, because you're made of sterner stuff.....

 

When she sees you're not falling apart in a crisis, she may begin to come around....

I can't promise a reunion or a 'second chance' - but this will help you through it, definitely.

 

 

I am def playing it by ear. Hell idk if she will ever contact me again but the what makes me think she will is the fact that she was the one trying to start the conversation and what not so its rather confusing. Im just going to try and not think about it and be chill/