I still love my ex-girlfriend deeply. Depressed and cant move on

[hawk 12]

So it’s been 3 months yesterday that the love of my life for 2.5 years decided we needed to go on a break (week later we broke up). To get some facts out of the way, We met sophomore year of college and she was the tall, gorgeous, classy girl next door. We hooked up for about a month and then put gf/bf label on it but we were also each other’s best friend and could always depend on each other for support. We were each other’s first serious relationship. We come from two different backgrounds; I have a very small family and we are about lower-middle class while she is from an extremely large, catholic, conservative family who are all considerably intelligent and easily the 1%. We definitely spent way too much time together but we loved each other’s company and didn’t want to be lonely. The relationship itself was definitely unbalanced; I was the giver and she was the taker. She always felt guilty and selfish about this but I was always so happy making her happy that I thought it worked. I think she didn’t feel like she provided anything in the relationship but she did.

 

Even though the relationship was great we went on two very short breaks. I think she would get scared and over-analyze things when major events were coming. The first was a couple months before she would leave for a semester abroad and she didn’t want to be hurt being all the way from me. The second was when she was abroad and we did it because we didn’t know how to be independent as we were always skyping and emailing excessively. I even flew out to visit her on Thanksgiving break just because I couldn’t wait that long. Both breaks were her idea. We are about to graduate and her sister is getting married this summer so I think that made her think about our relationship.

 

We had a great relationship but there were 2 considerable issues. We made each other very lazy as we were quite comfortable just being together. She questioned my ambition and drive all the time which is a fair assessment. The other problem was that I was never completely comfortable with her family. I loved them and they loved me but I was always so nervous being around them because I wanted to impress them. I felt so stupid and poor around them and often I was very quiet. We certainly have different values but her father saw a lot of him in me and felt extremely supportive of our relationship and always trusted me with his daughter. Rightfully so as I was the perfect gentleman and always put her first and never pressured her into anything. Things came to a head last summer though when I went on vacation with her to the beach but she spent the entire time with her family a very little with me. We had a fight and that was the first time I seriously doubted our relationship. I went to lay out on the beach away from her family a little bit and just thought for two hours if I could live like this for the rest of my life. If I could move away from my small tight knit family to live close to hers. I had doubts but I had no question of my love for her and decided she was certainly worth it. I later found out this fight gave her many doubts as well.

 

Things started to go wrong around at the end of January. The last night we ever went out together we had a bit of miscommunication and ended up at different bars and I yelled at her for not listening to what I wanted to do. She came to the other bar crying, wanting to make things right, wanting me to forgive her. We walked home and she said, “How could you ever love me? I am so crazy!” I walked away from her and she was shocked. I came back and said, “That’s what *********s do. They walk away from problems. I love everything about you even how crazy you are because I am crazy about you!” We made up but the next night but I got a serious case of the flu and missed the entire week of classes. She wanted to take care of me so bad, to be the giver for once but I told her I did not want to risk getting her sick and to be patient and we would be together very soon. She went out with her friends and would always call me to see she was still banished from my room and I always apologized saying yes.

 

Unfortunately during this time, a good guy friend of hers came into the picture. He was acting differently around her and apparently a lot of people noticed. Her friends told her that he definitely liked her and she should find out what was going on. She asked him and he told her he liked but did not want to ruin things with me and her. She was fine but the next few days she felt incredibly sick and hungover; not from drinking or the flu but from what he had told her. Her friends told her to stop wasting my time and stringing me along. She had no idea what they were talking about and would reply that she was incredibly happy and in love with me. Well the doubts popped back into her head again and her mother told her, “I know you’ve had doubts but never have you sounded so confidently about them”

The first day back that I was healthy she came over. I was so excited to see her and happy to finally be with her again. However, her first question for me was, “Do you see us getting married?” and I said, “Yes of course I would not be dating you this long if I didn’t.” She started to cry and said she didn’t see it happening, that she didn’t see the same spark and happiness her parents shared or her sister and her fiancé shared. I never saw it coming. It was such a shock. She said she was happy but not all the way happy. I begged and pleaded for us to try and work it out and she even called me a couple times but her friends kept getting in the way as they thought it was the best for both of us. A couple days later she snuck out to sleep over my place but it was not the same, we were friends sleeping over not two people in love. The next night she hooked up with the other guy. She felt sick to her stomach at first but discovered she found him attractive and did like him.

 

A couple of weeks later, I took a stand for myself and demanded my things back. She let me yell at her for instantly starting something new with the other guy and for breaking my heart. But I didn’t feel any better. I still loved her so much. But then she told me that looking back she wasn’t dedicated to the relationship like I was. She then dropped the bomb of, “I think you loved me more than I loved you”

 

She tried to transition her relationship with me onto this new guy. Her friends thought she was going crazy as that’s all she would talk about is this new guy. Her friends grew to be sick of her and would vent to me and take my side. It felt good she had gone off the deep end but it was only a minor victory. She told me she was acting crazy with this guy and demanding so much attention. She kept saying she ruined things with him.

I saw them kiss once and I sent her a message basically saying how could she do this to me. We met later that week and she said she’d answer any questions I may have to get closure. We would stare at each other’s eyes and she would tear up. She said she still loved me and cared about me and told me how crazy she’s been acting throughout the breakup but it was time for her to be strong and to deal with it and that I should do the same. She even said for me hookup with another girl, that it definitely helps. I told her I really wasn’t attracted to anybody for that to happen.

 

We got lunch last week. It felt like the old times, with the chemistry there and everything. We caught up on everything we had been doing. But then we dived into the breakup questions. She said the relationship was completely unbalanced and that she really only loved me as a best friend. She said that she saw us getting engaged, then married but then divorced. She said I was very emotional, needy, sentimental, and not assertive enough. She was worried about my ambition and drive. She said we were just not compatible. She even said she thought of another guy during most of our relationship. I felt terrible. She told me her and the guy she left me for decided to slow things down and now it seems like they are happy just hanging out with each other and having fun. I kind of turned the tables on her when I mentioned that her friends said she was going through a rough patch and she instantly became needy. She asked for a hug and said it felt great and wish it lasted longer. Then she wanted to see if I wanted to come in to her house but I declined and felt like I stood up for myself.

 

She lives so close to me at school and I see her literally everywhere. At the bars I’ll see her with him and they look so happy. I can’t look away and I torture myself. He seems better than me in every way except I think I am nicer and caring and that I care much more about her. I am so depressed. All I want is her back and for her to love me but I know I can’t force that. I keep thinking graduation is the deadline to get her back. I am so torn between moving on and letting her go or moving on to try and get her back. My friends and family are so confused as to why I would ever want her back. I am too. I just wish I knew how to be single and how to make myself happy. I don’t know how to do that. All I know is that it is so hard for me to let go in something I believed in so much.

[Marine0311]

you just have to let it go man, i dated my ex from my senior year in HS until february 13. She stuck with me long distance while i was in the Marine Corps, through my deployment to afghanistan, and from when i was injured and recovering. I got out of the Marines and moved back home and she begin to change. Now she is dating a guy at school (been dating over a month) and it really ****ing sucks. Im absolutely crushed bc I never believed shed move on. It also sucks as well bc her friends at school encourage it. If you love her so much you need to accept this and be happy for her. I will never speak to my ex again bc she ripped my heart out and stomped on it, but I am happy for her she is finally happy. I believe we were too young and we went through something most normal relationships do, so I am happy she can be a normal college kid for once. You need to cut your losses and move foward with your life. Its tough, but it will be better eventually. I am at 9 weeks no contact w her minus 1 week in march and I still think about her 24/7, but each day I am taking steps forward Nd you will too

[hawk 12]

you just have to let it go man, i dated my ex from my senior year in HS until february 13. She stuck with me long distance while i was in the Marine Corps, through my deployment to afghanistan, and from when i was injured and recovering. I got out of the Marines and moved back home and she begin to change. Now she is dating a guy at school (been dating over a month) and it really ****ing sucks. Im absolutely crushed bc I never believed shed move on. It also sucks as well bc her friends at school encourage it. If you love her so much you need to accept this and be happy for her. I will never speak to my ex again bc she ripped my heart out and stomped on it, but I am happy for her she is finally happy. I believe we were too young and we went through something most normal relationships do, so I am happy she can be a normal college kid for once. You need to cut your losses and move foward with your life. Its tough, but it will be better eventually. I am at 9 weeks no contact w her minus 1 week in march and I still think about her 24/7, but each day I am taking steps forward Nd you will too

 

Thanks man. I know what I need to do. I need to move on. My confidence however is just completely shattered and its affected other parts of my life. As much as I miss her, I am hoping once we graduate, not seeing her will speed up the recovery

[andre84]

Hawk - Your story is actually very similar to mine... except I'm a bit older so we started dating right after College and started an adult life together. (Moved across country)

 

But in a lot of ways I was on the same boat... we had a rough year and fought a lot due to me being depressed about moving away from family and friends. But once I got through it, she basically realized that she just didnt love me the same way I loved her. Basically she loved me on a best friends level but she would say we didn't have passion.

 

I think I was also the giver for the most part, and I know that one day I will be grateful to her for having the strength to break us up. It is not fair to her or to me to stay in a Relationship where I put in more than she did. I know that right now it sucks, because I also want her back... but then I have to think about what that would mean... Do I really want someone back that I know just doesn't love me as much as I love her?

 

We deserve someone that can give us what we need. Which is funny, because the last day we spoke, her exact words were: "You deserve someone that can give you what you need"... Of course that I wish that person was her, so that part hurts.

 

Just know that you are not alone, and while it sucks right now, things will get better as time goes on.