castroadis Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Hello all! I got a second chance from my boyfriend who left me about a month and a half ago. To recap briefly, we were together for 3 years, long distance for about 6 months. We are still long distance. During our breakup I got to travel for work and got to see him briefly. I was intimate with another person during our break. When we saw each other he told me how much he missed me and was willing to put in the work to make things work for us. I accepted and everything was hunky dory until I went back to my country and the feelings of rejection/insecurity of the breakup came rolling in. He says he wants to establish normalcy between us and I think for that to happen we need to talk things through, meaning I need to tell him how I feel openly. Thing is, when I tell him, he takes as a personal attack and we have been fighting every day for the last 6 days. I tell him he needs to win me back, put more effort, be more attentive and caring and he says he's doing all that. To me it feels like it's not enough. My question to all second chancers out there is, Am I being unreasonable in asking/expecting him to make a sizable effort to win me back after he has dumped me? Should I just let go of the past and start anew (this is an ideal scenario, It's really hard and I don't know how to do it)? Or should I just quit this relationship? Thank you all for reading. I really feel like I have nothing to work with and would appreciate new perspectives.
travelonic Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Hello all! I got a second chance from my boyfriend who left me about a month and a half ago. To recap briefly, we were together for 3 years, long distance for about 6 months. We are still long distance. During our breakup I got to travel for work and got to see him briefly. I was intimate with another person during our break. When we saw each other he told me how much he missed me and was willing to put in the work to make things work for us. I accepted and everything was hunky dory until I went back to my country and the feelings of rejection/insecurity of the breakup came rolling in. He says he wants to establish normalcy between us and I think for that to happen we need to talk things through, meaning I need to tell him how I feel openly. Thing is, when I tell him, he takes as a personal attack and we have been fighting every day for the last 6 days. I tell him he needs to win me back, put more effort, be more attentive and caring and he says he's doing all that. To me it feels like it's not enough. My question to all second chancers out there is, Am I being unreasonable in asking/expecting him to make a sizable effort to win me back after he has dumped me? Should I just let go of the past and start anew (this is an ideal scenario, It's really hard and I don't know how to do it)? Or should I just quit this relationship? Thank you all for reading. I really feel like I have nothing to work with and would appreciate new perspectives. I would say that it makes perfect sense to expect effort to ensure dedication, and that you just won' get re-dumped - I mean, being dumped once hurts like a bitch, but to open yourself back up to that person only to get hurt again would be double trouble.
inaya42 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 it is totally fair for you to expect for him to win/earn you back. i don't know that you can make this a request or requirement. my suggestion is for you to sweetly go along with things. listen less to what he says, and observe more what he does. look for evidence of devotion. reserve your trust and investment until you see that things are becoming stable. but do not complain or demand. observe, inspire, and step back -- as needed. good luck!
tbf Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 While you were in your LDR, what pushed him away was that you demanded too much from him and then, refused to move when everything was planned. Are you going to repeat this for the second chance? Now looking at this from the other perspective, if he can't meet your needs, is it worth it to remain together? Is it possible that the two of you aren't compatible in the amount of quality time that needs to happen? From a neutral perspective, are you willing to move to make this second chance work?
youngnlove89 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 My question to all second chancers out there is, Am I being unreasonable in asking/expecting him to make a sizable effort to win me back after he has dumped me? Should I just let go of the past and start anew (this is an ideal scenario, It's really hard and I don't know how to do it)? Or should I just quit this relationship? The thing about second chances and going back to an ex, is it never will be enough. They broke that trust, that bond, they LEFT you. That isn't easy to forget when someone just gives up on you and then expects to get you back at their convenience. Every time I got back with my ex after he dumped me, I felt a little different (and not in a good way). I was always afraid of when he was going to dump me again. And it just ended up causing toxic harm in our relationship. I couldn't let it go. My ex and I did this for two years until I finally realized enough is enough. He killed the relationship a long time ago and I was trying to bring it back to life, but once something has flat lined, you have to let it go. I would suggest taking a break if you don't know whats right. If he truly loves you he will respect that decision. Take some away from him to think about what it is you want. If you guys are meant to be, he will still be there when you come around. 1
aisuru Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 One of the best things I've read about second chances, is that to some extent, you need to put the last relationship to the side, and begin the second chance as you would a new one. Imagine if this was a totally new guy and relationship, and you were putting these demands on a new person. Nobody wants to be told these things, quite frankly ever, but certainly not in the beginning of a new relationship. Have you forgiven him? Have you forgiven yourself? You can't continue to rehash the old relationship and put demands on him if you want this to work. You're in an enviable position here... and it shouldn't be about "winning" either of you back. It should be about you both putting 110% into the new relationship. Get out of the power struggle. It will make a difference. 1
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