fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Well, I have a date scheduled for this week. I won't say which day because you never know who might be reading. But, needless to say I'm nervous. Some specifics: -First date I've been on since February 2011. -Met her online. -She's a few years older than me (but not old). -I have never kissed a girl and never (successfully) held hands with a girl. So, any advice for me? If things are going well should I go for a kiss on a first date? Should I try to hold her hand if we go for a walk or something? How do I tell if things are going well? Should I try to build "chemistry"? How do you do that? Some people have already given me some advice and I definitely appreciate it. But this thread is also about helping me to calm my nerves. Talking and writing about things helps me clear my mind so, here I am.
ptp Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Just my opinion, I am not by any means an expert though. - Most important thing to remember is that she likes you. Otherwise, she wouldn't be on a date with you. - Keep the subjects light, nothing too deep or emotional. - . I am not joking though, it totally works. Most people love talking about themselves. However, make sure you listen. - If you are concerned about any physical stuff, if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. There is no rush to get a kiss on the first date. - Don't forget to figure out if you like her. When you go on a job interview, you aren't only selling yourself to the company, but you also have to figure out if your gonna like working there. - Hygiene/Manners are priority #1. 3
BoneyHadger Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Take pressure off results (sex, kissing, holding hands) and focus more on actual interacting with a woman you're going with.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Take pressure off results (sex, kissing, holding hands) and focus more on actual interacting with a woman you're going with. Yeah. I mean I guess I'm just wondering if it's appropriate to do those things (not sex, but the hand holding or kissing) on a first date like this. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. But I don't want move too fast and be inappropriate you know?
BoneyHadger Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Depends how well actual interacting goes. Maybe you'll get that overwhelming urge to get closer to her and so will she. If not, do not force it. 2
carhill Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 In your circumstances, IMO it's normal to feel nervous. It may help to realize that she may feel nervous as well. That's normal in 'like' situations. My advice is to focus on the interactions. Most have a 'flow' to them. Accepting how they go helps to free your mind from nervousness and focus on other things. Be flexible, not goal-oriented. If there's a goal, it's enjoying yourself. If that's mutual, another date may result. See how it goes. Good luck. 2
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 What are you feeling on if you should hold hands and kiss on the first date? I think you should go ahead and do those things if you like her. So far I like her personality and wittiness as communicated through site messages and text messages. But obviously we have to see if that translates into real life. I hope it does. I mean if I like her in person I would like to do those things (hold hands, kiss). I just don't want to move too fast and scare her away.
carhill Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Over-thinking will often sabotage the best of intentions. Let's hope the date is today
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Over-thinking will often sabotage the best of intentions. Let's hope the date is today Nope not today. Trust me I need to get these thoughts out in the open. Or else I will overthink.
Feelin Frisky Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Think of it as your job to put her at ease with you. Consider that no one is judging you as harshly and objectively as you yourself and that she has to be self-conscious too. Everyone is self-conscious to some degree but there comes a point where too much is no good. So, just psyche yourself into the assumption that there are a bundle of nerves on her side and what those nerves want is relief. This gives you license to BE confident and not just try to act or look confident. Assuming things have gone well and you walk with her, offer her your arm rather than the hand. The arm is customary and implies assistance whereas going right to the hand implies acceptance or affection. Some women may feel unsure if they want to give you that much of a sign of acceptance at this point, but walking arm over arm is a half way to the hand. I have found that this is almost always true if you pick a genteel woman and not a butch or outwardly contentious feminist. Some then accepted the shift to the hand and a few just didn't. That is not a bone crusher if she doesn't go to the hand after the arm. It's body language that tells you what's up though. At the end of the date you might kiss. But expect only a small peck--unless it went so well that you both have been touching and laughing and flirting a lot (in which case a serious kiss is not out of order). It's a date however with a stranger for all practical purposes and more of a kiss is the exception and not the rule. If you get eaten alive by nerves it's because you haven't psyched yourself into observing the dynamic that she is concerned about her own perception more than judging you and your job is to be comforting, benevolent and entertaining to relieve the self consciousness. Good luck. 2
cerridwen Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 So far I like her personality and wittiness as communicated through site messages and text messages. But obviously we have to see if that translates into real life. I hope it does. I mean if I like her in person I would like to do those things (hold hands, kiss). I just don't want to move too fast and scare her away. How flirtatious is she in text/email? Or does she lean more toward the conservative?
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 How flirtatious is she in text/email? Or does she lean more toward the conservative? She jokes around a lot and responds to my jokes pretty well. Puts a lot of smileys and exclamation marks in the emails and texts.
ThaWholigan Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 You can't focus on your nervousness - accept that you're nervous. You can even admit it - sometimes being comfortable with your nervousness and that funny feeling you get is the antidote to the very nervous feeling itself. Once you accept it's there, you can focus on other things. I can't really elaborate any more than just try to have fun. Focus entirely on her rather than on yourself. You can talk about yourself, but little anecdotes here and there that enable you and her to connect more in person. 1
cerridwen Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 (edited) She jokes around a lot and responds to my jokes pretty well. Puts a lot of smileys and exclamation marks in the emails and texts. If she is gregarious in person, she may also be more tactile. Look for little signs that she's comfortable with touch (such as her playfully bumping you, touching your hand or arm while joking around) but err on the side of subtlety. If you leave somewhere together, for instance, and are moving through a crowd, put your hand lightly on her back for a moment. Just to make a connection. This is a coffee date right? Coffee dates strike me as "pre-dates" so I wouldn't try to hold her hand unless you're feeling the chemistry is very apparent. Same for a kiss. Edited May 5, 2013 by cerridwen 1
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 If she is gregarious in person, she may also be more tactile. Look for little signs that she's comfortable with touch (such as her playfully bumping you, touching your hand or arm while joking around) but err on the side of subtlety. If you leave somewhere together, for instance, and are moving through a crowd, put your hand lightly on her back for a moment. Just to make a connection. This is a coffee date right? Coffee dates strike me as "pre-dates" so I wouldn't try to hold her hand unless you're feeling the chemistry is very apparent. Same for a kiss. Yeah that's how I always thought of them. Especially since it's an online dating thing. But, whenever I say this to people I know in real life they look at me like I have horns on my head.
todreaminblue Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Yeah that's how I always thought of them. Especially since it's an online dating thing. But, whenever I say this to people I know in real life they look at me like I have horns on my head. I wish you much luck on your date,dont try and fill the silences with aimless chatter ....just enjoy her company.Make friends with your nerves or awkward feelings, by not letting them take control, nerves are actually a sign something is important to you...in your case having a pleasurable date mutually..so let it go.....and just have a good time.......you want to have a good time, you want to have a good time with her....make those feelings a priority...i wish you well...deb
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