KPChick000 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 This weekend has been terrible. I know the steps to help myself move on, but why can't I follow them? I am so mad at myself. I am going to list out the things I need to do to remind myself. Hopefully, it will help some of you too. 1. Cut off all contact if you still harbor feelings for your ex. Remaining in contact is just prolonging the hurt. It will be hard at first, but with time, it gets better. Little by little, the control you feel you lost in the BU will return. Why does your ex get to have his/her cake and eat it too? If he/she doesn't want to be with you, then he/she doesn't get to have any part of you. (Currently in process) 2. Do not indulge your curiosity by looking on social media. You don't want to be blindsided by something you don't want to see. What does knowing what he/she is doing going to do for you? Nothing - it will just make you feel bad that he/she has moved on without you. 3. Do not obsess in your own head. (So guilty of this... once I start, I can't stop, and I think of every little thing... how I miss him, this and that, why it didn't work, what I could have done, what he could have done, etc. etc.) This is POINTLESS. It doesn't change anything. It is only healthy if you're self-reflecting on an objective level and thinking about how you can improve in your next relationship. 4. Do not hold onto hope that you will be back together again. Your ex has moved on. There is nothing you can do to convince him/her otherwise. Why would you want to have to convince anybody? Your ex has to be the one to come back. It may or may not happen, but do not wait. More likely than not, this is the end. You cannot waste your time. 5. Do not romanticize. The relationship was obviously not perfect if it ended. Your ex was not THE ONE if he/she decided to move on. THE ONE would stick by you through thick and thin. Do not think that you will never find someone like your ex again. Well, yes, everybody is different. But, the feelings you had for your ex, you will get them again with someone else. If you let yourself. 6. Share your feelings but do not torture yourself (or others) by repeating how you feel over and over again. At some point, you have to realize that thinking about the same things over and over again KEEPS you in the relationship/BU. Let's see if I can follow my own advice. 6
andre84 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 All true and great advice. I know how it goes when you know all the right things, but you still have trouble following them. I was doing a lot better about my BU, but just a few hours ago I woke up from a dream (I guess its more like a nightmare lol) where I was still living with my EX and we had already broken up but I could feel that we might have a chance to work things out. I woke up feeling very sad and just wishing that I could back in time to when things were good. I'm currently in the process of moving back to Texas (I moved across country with my Ex to be closer to her family) and I feel that I'm going to keep having a lot of similar dreams until I leave. It really sucks that just when I think that I'm making progress and moving forward, a small thought or memory of our life together comes into my head and it just brings me to such a low place. Anyways, this is great advice and its what I have to also keep telling myself so that one day those memories are just that... memories. 1
travelonic Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 This is POINTLESS. It doesn't change anything. It is only healthy if you're self-reflecting on an objective level and thinking about how you can improve in your next relationship. Pardon me if I'm a bit slow, but what is it - it's pointless, or it's not? Surely examining what happened is important for reflection of mistakes that were made to prevent them from resurfacing again in the next relationship, to prevent making the same errors again? 4. Do not hold onto hope that you will be back together again. Your ex has moved on. There is nothing you can do to convince him/her otherwise. Why would you want to have to convince anybody? I have trouble seeing breaking up and moving on as DIRECT correlation in many cases... obviously in a lot of cases this is true, but not always. I mean, how often do we hear about people rebounding to fill that void, even bury their feelings? How about those who go through the stages often referred to as G.I.G.S, where the search for greener grass results them in casting aside their relationships- the feelings surrounding it, the person involved - for that thrill of a new relationship? It seems from what I've read in cases where THAT happens, the feelings can - and in a lot of cases do - resurface in nasty ways later on particularly if the dumper looking for greener grass left a good relationship [not abusive, not based on deception, lies, etc] for this. 5. Do not romanticize. The relationship was obviously not perfect if it ended. Your ex was not THE ONE if he/she decided to move on. THE ONE would stick by you through thick and thin. And even if it doesn't end, no relationship actually is perfect. Sometimes though it does, strangely enough, take a breakup to re-enforce bonds later on [it happens] which is why personally I'm not too fond of the idea that "if they loved you they would never leave you" as a blanket statement. Sometimes it takes a strange set of imperfection to re-enforce feelings. Now, if people are breaking up and getting back together over stupid things, and/or doing it often-ish, I'd say something is very very wrong. 1
DontBreakEven Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 travel -- i do agree about the moving on .. my ex hasn't moved on, but i think the point is at least for right now, she wants to. clearly, otherwise she'd be trying to work on things with me. she is choosing to attempt to move on over working on things. so true, a lot of exes haven't necessarily moved on .. but if they left you and have not contacted you, they are clearly trying to.
Author KPChick000 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Pardon me if I'm a bit slow, but what is it - it's pointless, or it's not? Surely examining what happened is important for reflection of mistakes that were made to prevent them from resurfacing again in the next relationship, to prevent making the same errors again? Examining for the purpose of reflection and self-improvement for the next relationship is different from obsessing. Obsessing is where you're running the same thoughts over and over again in your head of why things changed, what if's, what could've been, trying to put a reason to everything, etc., which is the part that is pointless. I can't speak for everyone, but when I "obsess" I am still thinking about the current relationship/BU in hopes of getting it back. I have trouble seeing breaking up and moving on as DIRECT correlation in many cases... obviously in a lot of cases this is true, but not always. I mean, how often do we hear about people rebounding to fill that void, even bury their feelings? How about those who go through the stages often referred to as G.I.G.S, where the search for greener grass results them in casting aside their relationships- the feelings surrounding it, the person involved - for that thrill of a new relationship? It seems from what I've read in cases where THAT happens, the feelings can - and in a lot of cases do - resurface in nasty ways later on particularly if the dumper looking for greener grass left a good relationship [not abusive, not based on deception, lies, etc] for this. You're right, breaking up doesn't necessarily mean the dumper has moved on, but in my opinion, it's pretty damn close. The dumper has at least moved on from believing that the relationship is what he/she wants. For the dumpee's moving on process, isn't it more beneficial to think that the ex has moved on, rather than making excuses? And even if it doesn't end, no relationship actually is perfect. Sometimes though it does, strangely enough, take a breakup to re-enforce bonds later on [it happens] which is why personally I'm not too fond of the idea that "if they loved you they would never leave you" as a blanket statement. Sometimes it takes a strange set of imperfection to re-enforce feelings. Now, if people are breaking up and getting back together over stupid things, and/or doing it often-ish, I'd say something is very very wrong. Personally, I think if it takes a break-up to reinforce feelings, the "love" to begin with was not strong enough. If two people get back together after, that love has to be rebuilt or at least strengthened.
LoveB86 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 travel -- i do agree about the moving on .. my ex hasn't moved on, but i think the point is at least for right now, she wants to. clearly, otherwise she'd be trying to work on things with me. she is choosing to attempt to move on over working on things. so true, a lot of exes haven't necessarily moved on .. but if they left you and have not contacted you, they are clearly trying to. What about in those cases where the ex is scared to come back because they know they hurt you, so they give up to save themselves from rehashing the pain that they tried to bury or the void they filled by getting with someone else?
Compromize Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 This is all great advice, it just seems like it takes so long to heal even a small bit. But all we can do is persevere. I was doing a lot better about my BU, but just a few hours ago I woke up from a dream (I guess its more like a nightmare lol) where I was still living with my EX and we had already broken up but I could feel that we might have a chance to work things out. I woke up feeling very sad and just wishing that I could back in time to when things were good. I'm currently in the process of moving back to Texas (I moved across country with my Ex to be closer to her family) and I feel that I'm going to keep having a lot of similar dreams until I leave. It really sucks that just when I think that I'm making progress and moving forward, a small thought or memory of our life together comes into my head and it just brings me to such a low place. I too had a dream about my ex last night. We were meeting for the first time since the BU and getting back together and I asked her the $100,000 question (my exact words in the dream lol) about sleeping with someone else and the answer was.... terrible. The dream sucked really bad, I told her that I never wanted to see her or hear from her again and then I wanted her back and tried to forgive her to no avail. Ugh, woke up feeling like shyte. Getting your heart broken and having to move on without them when you are still in love with them is the worst thing I have ever had to experience. 1
andre84 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 lol well today has been so weird....I was reading some posts on the site and thinking about my own situation then my Ex butt dialed me and I answered and I could hear her talking to her brother about just random stuff. I texted her letting her know what happened and she explained that she was hanging up a call and it was an accident. It sucked because I was literally just thinking about her and then I saw her calling and I started feeling so anxious. The universe definitely likes to play some messed up pranks.
Inviv_girl Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 This weekend has been terrible. I know the steps to help myself move on, but why can't I follow them? I am so mad at myself. I am going to list out the things I need to do to remind myself. Hopefully, it will help some of you too. 1. Cut off all contact if you still harbor feelings for your ex. Remaining in contact is just prolonging the hurt. It will be hard at first, but with time, it gets better. Little by little, the control you feel you lost in the BU will return. Why does your ex get to have his/her cake and eat it too? If he/she doesn't want to be with you, then he/she doesn't get to have any part of you. (Currently in process) 2. Do not indulge your curiosity by looking on social media. You don't want to be blindsided by something you don't want to see. What does knowing what he/she is doing going to do for you? Nothing - it will just make you feel bad that he/she has moved on without you. 3. Do not obsess in your own head. (So guilty of this... once I start, I can't stop, and I think of every little thing... how I miss him, this and that, why it didn't work, what I could have done, what he could have done, etc. etc.) This is POINTLESS. It doesn't change anything. It is only healthy if you're self-reflecting on an objective level and thinking about how you can improve in your next relationship. 4. Do not hold onto hope that you will be back together again. Your ex has moved on. There is nothing you can do to convince him/her otherwise. Why would you want to have to convince anybody? Your ex has to be the one to come back. It may or may not happen, but do not wait. More likely than not, this is the end. You cannot waste your time. 5. Do not romanticize. The relationship was obviously not perfect if it ended. Your ex was not THE ONE if he/she decided to move on. THE ONE would stick by you through thick and thin. Do not think that you will never find someone like your ex again. Well, yes, everybody is different. But, the feelings you had for your ex, you will get them again with someone else. If you let yourself. 6. Share your feelings but do not torture yourself (or others) by repeating how you feel over and over again. At some point, you have to realize that thinking about the same things over and over again KEEPS you in the relationship/BU. Let's see if I can follow my own advice. I should apply this to myself!
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