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How to let a guy down easy?

Graduate

By Graduate
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HoneyBadgerDontCare Established Member

HoneyBadgerDontCare

Posted
Posted
There is no way to do this.

 

Also, most of the time we don't want you to spare our feelings. The more it hurts or the more direct it is, the less mental angst we expend trying to figure out what the hell we did wrong and why you won't give us the real reason.

 

In the short term perhaps he might not react as well, but in the longer term he'll be grateful for the honestly.

 

She doesn't care about how the guy feels. She cares how SHE feels. She's looking for a way to let the guy down without feeling bad about it.

 

This advice is logical, but it's not what OP is looking for.

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Graduate Established Member

Graduate

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She doesn't care about how the guy feels. She cares how SHE feels. She's looking for a way to let the guy down without feeling bad about it.

I DO care about how he feels! After his texts yesterday morning he contacted me again last evening asking what was going on and if I was just writing that I was busy because I wanted to stop seeing him.

 

So I replied saying that I genuinely was busy, but that I had also felt that we worked better as friends and that I was going to tell him via the phone, and that I am sorry I told him this way, but I really thought it was best we stopped seeing each other.

 

He wrote back saying he really liked me and he felt like an idiot for getting upset because I couldn't meet him on Friday and that he is sorry he rushed me and that he hopes I will give him another chance.

 

I feel like crap now, I hate that he is hurt and I don't want to ignore his messages, but I also don't want to give him false hope.

 

This sucks. :(

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Graduate Established Member

Graduate

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I highlighted where you made your mistake. Regardless of how he's going to take it, which is his problem and not yours, you should have immediately told him you have only platonic feelings for him, and that while he's a nice guy, you will not be receiving kisses or holding hands with him anymore.

 

You are right, I guess I was just surprised and did not know how to react. But already 10 minutes later I felt that I made a mistake by not stopping the kiss straight away or saying something when he reached for my hand.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

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Posted

Did I correctly predict this was going to turn into another drama fest or not?

 

It could have been 86ed so easily. :bunny:

Granin Established Member

Granin

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Just firmly and kindly tell him it's no and it is not his fault. If he asks why or keeps pushing, just don't reply.

 

 

Trust me he will get over it. The longer you draw it out the worse it is for both of you, especially him. Just get it over with

HuffmanMontana Established Member

HuffmanMontana

Posted
Posted
"I'm very flattered, but not really interested".

 

Thanks SIMPSONS.

 

If you are open to remaining friends I wouldn't use this line. There is honesty and then there is being rude. This is rude.

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Graduate Established Member

Graduate

Posted
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In case you are interested, here is what happened next:

 

He texted a few more times saying that he felt he messed up something good and he felt horrible. He also called, but I did not pick up. Instead I wrote to him saying that he did not mess up, that he was a great guy and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but I think we moved too fast and I was only interested in friendship and nothing more.

 

He replied saying that he was happy with hanging out as friends and asked when we could get together. So I replied saying that I think it would be good for us to take a break of a few weeks or months as I didn't think I could go from dating to friends within a few days. I will go on vacation in a few weeks and told him that I would contact him when I got back to see if he was interested in meeting up as friends.

 

He accepted that and said that he would leave me alone now, but hoped that I would get in touch and we would meet up again as friends.

 

Thank you to all those who offered constructive advice! Especially Granin. It really helped!

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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Sounds to me like he's holding out hope that this friendship will turn into something more, and then he'll be hurt even more when he finds out it doesn't. Some guys also interpret the offer of friendship to mean that you just want to take the relationship slow. I don't think it works to try to have a friendship with someone who has a romantic interest in you. They're bound to get hurt when they realize it is never going to be anything more.

Granin Established Member

Granin

Posted
Posted
In case you are interested, here is what happened next:

 

He texted a few more times saying that he felt he messed up something good and he felt horrible. He also called, but I did not pick up. Instead I wrote to him saying that he did not mess up, that he was a great guy and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but I think we moved too fast and I was only interested in friendship and nothing more.

 

He replied saying that he was happy with hanging out as friends and asked when we could get together. So I replied saying that I think it would be good for us to take a break of a few weeks or months as I didn't think I could go from dating to friends within a few days. I will go on vacation in a few weeks and told him that I would contact him when I got back to see if he was interested in meeting up as friends.

 

He accepted that and said that he would leave me alone now, but hoped that I would get in touch and we would meet up again as friends.

 

Thank you to all those who offered constructive advice! Especially Granin. It really helped!

 

 

No problem!

 

 

My last piece of advice would be not to initiate a friendship with this man.

 

 

There's no way he is over you yet and even with the best intentions he is going to hope things change between you for a long time. You'd be doing him a massive kindness trust me.

 

 

If you're serious about it, and honestly look at yourself long and hard here and be honest, then wait at least 3 months or so before trying to get a friendship going. If it is just to appease your guilt and make YOU feel better, don't bother.

 

 

Being friends with him is potentially the worst thing you can do so only do it if you genuinely treasure this man as a friend and don't want to lose him.

HoneyBadgerDontCare Established Member

HoneyBadgerDontCare

Posted
Posted
In case you are interested, here is what happened next:

 

He texted a few more times saying that he felt he messed up something good and he felt horrible. He also called, but I did not pick up. Instead I wrote to him saying that he did not mess up, that he was a great guy and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but I think we moved too fast and I was only interested in friendship and nothing more.

 

He replied saying that he was happy with hanging out as friends and asked when we could get together. So I replied saying that I think it would be good for us to take a break of a few weeks or months as I didn't think I could go from dating to friends within a few days. I will go on vacation in a few weeks and told him that I would contact him when I got back to see if he was interested in meeting up as friends.

 

He accepted that and said that he would leave me alone now, but hoped that I would get in touch and we would meet up again as friends.

 

Thank you to all those who offered constructive advice! Especially Granin. It really helped!

 

Damn. What a sucker. Looks like he'll have to learn the hard way to not do things like this.

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Graduate Established Member

Graduate

Posted
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Being friends with him is potentially the worst thing you can do so only do it if you genuinely treasure this man as a friend and don't want to lose him.

 

Really? That's a pity, because I really like him, and honestly believe that he is a great guy, but for some reason I just don't seem to have romantic feelings for him. :(

 

But I'll take your advice and stay away from him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. And since we only went on two dates, it is not like his absence will leave a huge hole in my life.

Granin Established Member

Granin

Posted
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Yeah good call :)

 

 

Don't feel bad, you haven't done anything wrong and speaking as someone who's been on both sides, I think you've done the best you can to minimise his pain and not make a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. He'll be absolutely fine eventually, and no contact with you will speed that process up

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted (edited)
In case you are interested, here is what happened next:

 

He texted a few more times saying that he felt he messed up something good and he felt horrible. He also called, but I did not pick up. Instead I wrote to him saying that he did not mess up, that he was a great guy and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but I think we moved too fast and I was only interested in friendship and nothing more.

 

He replied saying that he was happy with hanging out as friends and asked when we could get together. So I replied saying that I think it would be good for us to take a break of a few weeks or months as I didn't think I could go from dating to friends within a few days. I will go on vacation in a few weeks and told him that I would contact him when I got back to see if he was interested in meeting up as friends.

 

He accepted that and said that he would leave me alone now, but hoped that I would get in touch and we would meet up again as friends.

 

Thank you to all those who offered constructive advice! Especially Granin. It really helped!

 

All in all, you didn't handle things too badly. I just wish you'd stop going on and on about how he's 'the best in the world' but you don't feel it. We all know what you don't feel. That's fine. You barely know the guy. Just say that 'You're not a match.' and let it be done with. Dry, calculated, and painless.

 

He'll match your emotion with emotion, so you have to be as emotionless as possible. In the future that is.

 

Damn. What a sucker. Looks like he'll have to learn the hard way to not do things like this.

 

Yea, at the end of the day, this is the story. It's the guy's own fault. He's the loser here. Not because of getting rejected, but getting worked up about some woman who is not into him.

 

Never, ever.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
Woohoo Established Member

Woohoo

Posted
Posted

Here is a tough one. But an honest one.

 

Instead of saying he is nice, how about some honest feedback. You can say he is nice, just say their is no spark because he is boring.

 

It may anger him, but it will give him something to focus on.

happykat Established Member

happykat

Posted
Posted
I'm sorry, but you're old enough to know better. The "spark" doesn't actually exist. You basically just weren't turned on. It's a mystery to me that women don't understand this.

 

I'm old enough to know better, but apparently I don't.. Is there a difference between "the spark" and being turned on?.. Thought they were one and the same.. no? lol

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