Graduate Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Do you have a suggestion on how to tell a guy that you are not interested, without hurting his feelings? Here are the details of my situation: I met this guy online, we talked for a few weeks and clicked. We finally met last week and I really had a good time. At the end he gave me a quick peck on the lips, which surprised me but I was okay with it. Yesterday we went out again and at some point when we were walking down the street he turned to me and started kissing me. Unfortunately I did not enjoy the kiss, but even more, I did not feel any romantic sparks. We continued walking and he held my hand. I let him because I did not want to make him feel rejected. When we said goodbye he talked about what we should do next and I said for him to give me a call and we would talk about it. After I got home and today I thought about it and realized that my feelings for him are more platonic than romantic. It's only been two dates, but he already seems to think of us as an item, which I am not ready for. I guess if he had not made 'his move' yesterday we would have gone on a few more dates and my feelings might have developed for him, but now I feel like I am kind of forced to make a decision on whether I want to continue dating him and right now the answer is no. At least not as more than friends. He is a really great guy though, and I don't want to hurt him, so I don't know what to say. Bottom line is that I would like to keep seeing him, but more as friends and not as potential boyfriend/girlfriend. Any suggestions? Btw, even though this may sound like high-school drama, we are both in our 30ies.
normal person Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Just be as honest as you were here. "You're a nice guy, but I'm just not feeling it." There's no harm in that. If he takes issue with your honesty (hopefully he'll be mature enough not to) then that's his problem. 1
carhill Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 IMO, it's generally healthier to be direct and risk 'hurting his feelings'. In fact, that hurt can be beneficial, in that it will serve to kill any feelings which may have been there regarding setting you apart from the rest of womankind at that moment. It helps him move on. Good luck. 3
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Bottom line is that I would like to keep seeing him, but more as friends and not as potential boyfriend/girlfriend. I'd hate to rain on any parades but this is not a very likely outcome. A lot of people (myself included) do not wish to continue seeing someone under such a situation. It doesn't make anyone "bad", it's just not meant to be. You can try of course, but don't be surprised if he agrees to be "just friends" and you never hear from him again. And there's really no painless way out of this. The sooner the better is usually the best policy. 1
KathyM Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Don't try to string him along as a friend. That will only end up hurting him in the long run when he realizes there will never be anything more. Tell him "You're a great guy, but I'm starting to think we're just not right for each other, so I'm going to decline. Sorry." I think that says it all in a way that is not offensive or particularly hurtful. 2
Maleficent Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Just be as honest as you were here. "You're a nice guy, but I'm just not feeling it." There's no harm in that. If he takes issue with your honesty (hopefully he'll be mature enough not to) then that's his problem. Simple as that!
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Whenever I see a post about a woman asking how she should let a guy down easy or how to reject him, I shudder. These posts are usually made by the drama queens and attention seekers of LS who will undoubtedly torture the poor guy until the drain him of all the attention they require. Not that you are necessarily that. Anyway, in answer to your question, it's easy. Tell him you don't see him that way and LEAVE NO SHRED OF DOUBT. In other words, if you are going to keep in touch as friends, do not: -Get jealous when he find someone else -Hook with other guys and shove it in his face -Leave vague, ambiguous texts when he asks for friendship, leaving the door open for more. -Text or call him when you're drunk or lonely. -Agree to meet him and then blow him off. Yes, all these have happened to me. Another woman who rejected me years ago left no doubt. We remained friends and in the approximately 10 years since then, she has never left a shred of doubt to what we are. Friends. She also had the decency to not date for about a year or two after rejecting me despite all kinds of guys chasing her.
TheGuard13 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 "I'm very flattered, but not really interested". Thanks SIMPSONS. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Do you have a suggestion on how to tell a guy that you are not interested, without hurting his feelings? Here are the details of my situation: I met this guy online, we talked for a few weeks and clicked. We finally met last week and I really had a good time. At the end he gave me a quick peck on the lips, which surprised me but I was okay with it. Yesterday we went out again and at some point when we were walking down the street he turned to me and started kissing me. Unfortunately I did not enjoy the kiss, but even more, I did not feel any romantic sparks. We continued walking and he held my hand. I let him because I did not want to make him feel rejected. When we said goodbye he talked about what we should do next and I said for him to give me a call and we would talk about it. After I got home and today I thought about it and realized that my feelings for him are more platonic than romantic. It's only been two dates, but he already seems to think of us as an item, which I am not ready for. I guess if he had not made 'his move' yesterday we would have gone on a few more dates and my feelings might have developed for him, but now I feel like I am kind of forced to make a decision on whether I want to continue dating him and right now the answer is no. At least not as more than friends. He is a really great guy though, and I don't want to hurt him, so I don't know what to say. Bottom line is that I would like to keep seeing him, but more as friends and not as potential boyfriend/girlfriend. Any suggestions? Btw, even though this may sound like high-school drama, we are both in our 30ies. I'm sorry, but you're old enough to know better. The "spark" doesn't actually exist. You basically just weren't turned on. It's a mystery to me that women don't understand this. It's also a shame that you're throwing away a good guy for basically no reason. To each their own. Just don't come back here blaming the world when you're 40 and single....or dating a guy that treats you like crap. 2
Author Graduate Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Thank you for your posts. I think I will take most people's advice and just give a short, brief statement saying that I am just not interested in him that way, instead of sending him a longer explanation via email as I was considering. For those concerned that I am trying to 'string him along' as a friend or torture him to get 'the attention I require' I can guarantee you that this is not my intention. If anything I want to offer him friendship because I know that when I have been dumped in the past the most painful part was when the person I was seeing did not even want to be friends. Not that I would have wanted to continue seeing them as friends, but it hurts to know that they don't even care about you as a human being. I don't want him to feel that way, so I thought about offering him to hang out as friends (and mostly expecting that he will decline). To the poster who said that 'the spark' doesn't exist, I am sorry but I have to disagree. I have been lucky enough to have met a few men in my life that I felt a spark with, and those are the ones that I have entered into relationships with. I do have a number of male friends and while I care about them deeply, I am not interested in them in a romantic or sexual way. And I don't think that I am 'throwing away a good guy' but I am instead 'not stringing him along'. If I already feel that this is not going to develop into a relationship, wouldn't it instead be mean and selfish of my to continue seeing him, allowing him to develop feelings for me and then end it a few weeks or months down the line? Even though you might find this hard to believe, I am actually trying to do here what is best for him. 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Thank you for your posts. I think I will take most people's advice and just give a short, brief statement saying that I am just not interested in him that way, instead of sending him a longer explanation via email as I was considering. For those concerned that I am trying to 'string him along' as a friend or torture him to get 'the attention I require' I can guarantee you that this is not my intention. If anything I want to offer him friendship because I know that when I have been dumped in the past the most painful part was when the person I was seeing did not even want to be friends. Not that I would have wanted to continue seeing them as friends, but it hurts to know that they don't even care about you as a human being. I don't want him to feel that way, so I thought about offering him to hang out as friends (and mostly expecting that he will decline). To the poster who said that 'the spark' doesn't exist, I am sorry but I have to disagree. I have been lucky enough to have met a few men in my life that I felt a spark with, and those are the ones that I have entered into relationships with. I do have a number of male friends and while I care about them deeply, I am not interested in them in a romantic or sexual way. And I don't think that I am 'throwing away a good guy' but I am instead 'not stringing him along'. If I already feel that this is not going to develop into a relationship, wouldn't it instead be mean and selfish of my to continue seeing him, allowing him to develop feelings for me and then end it a few weeks or months down the line? Even though you might find this hard to believe, I am actually trying to do here what is best for him. I'm not saying that it doesn't exist. I'm saying that you don't understand what it is and you are making bad decisions based on the fact that you don't seek to understand why you feel the way you do. Do what you want though. It's your life. 2
RedRobin Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Do you have a suggestion on how to tell a guy that you are not interested, without hurting his feelings? Here are the details of my situation: I met this guy online, we talked for a few weeks and clicked. We finally met last week and I really had a good time. At the end he gave me a quick peck on the lips, which surprised me but I was okay with it. Yesterday we went out again and at some point when we were walking down the street he turned to me and started kissing me. Unfortunately I did not enjoy the kiss, but even more, I did not feel any romantic sparks. We continued walking and he held my hand. I let him because I did not want to make him feel rejected. When we said goodbye he talked about what we should do next and I said for him to give me a call and we would talk about it. After I got home and today I thought about it and realized that my feelings for him are more platonic than romantic. It's only been two dates, but he already seems to think of us as an item, which I am not ready for. I guess if he had not made 'his move' yesterday we would have gone on a few more dates and my feelings might have developed for him, but now I feel like I am kind of forced to make a decision on whether I want to continue dating him and right now the answer is no. At least not as more than friends. He is a really great guy though, and I don't want to hurt him, so I don't know what to say. Bottom line is that I would like to keep seeing him, but more as friends and not as potential boyfriend/girlfriend. Any suggestions? Btw, even though this may sound like high-school drama, we are both in our 30ies. Yep, this is exactly how I feel about guys I hardly know going for the kiss. It forces me to make a decision about how I feel about him romantically, which almost never is in his favor. Even if there is some 'chemistry', I'm still inclined to think the guy is a bit of *ss... which is always the case. He's doing this to everyone he dates, usually. And doing lots of other juggling too. Yuck. So yea, I NEXT guys who do this very simply when they ask for another date... "Sorry, don't think we are a match" ... or, sometimes if I do want to get to know him better, I tell him I'd like to get to know him as a friend/activity partner for awhile before I make a decision about romantic potential. That I feel he pushed things prematurely and he needs to cool it. 1
Granin Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Good question, too many people resort to cheap tricks and lying to avoid facing an awkward situation themselves at the expense of another person's feelings. It's selfish, cruel and immature. Be honest, firm but polite. If you aren't interested, tell him so, and as soon as possible. Don't leave him hanging "I've had a good time with you but I don't want to give you any false expectations, I'm just not feeling that romantic spark and I don't want to waste your time. I see you more as a friend, but if you choose not to pursue that kind of relationship with me, I will understand" Quick. Clean. Clear. Giving him hope or ambiguity is only torturing him, and if he chooses not to take the friendship route allow that, and allow him some space if he needs it. It's not nice being rejected but trust me this is the nicest way. No matter how into you he is, he'll get over it eventually, and much faster and healthier if you're honest. 1
RedRobin Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Good question, too many people resort to cheap tricks and lying to avoid facing an awkward situation themselves at the expense of another person's feelings. It's selfish, cruel and immature. Be honest, firm but polite. If you aren't interested, tell him so, and as soon as possible. Don't leave him hanging "I've had a good time with you but I don't want to give you any false expectations, I'm just not feeling that romantic spark and I don't want to waste your time. I see you more as a friend, but if you choose not to pursue that kind of relationship with me, I will understand" Quick. Clean. Clear. Giving him hope or ambiguity is only torturing him, and if he chooses not to take the friendship route allow that, and allow him some space if he needs it. It's not nice being rejected but trust me this is the nicest way. No matter how into you he is, he'll get over it eventually, and much faster and healthier if you're honest. I agree with you... but I also think women put in this position need to say the guy pushed things prematurely, and would have preferred not to be obliged to make a decision about him so abruptly. A lot of guys here complain about women poofing after what they thought was a good time, or friendzoning them... it may have to do with the fact that they don't feel anything romantic. it may also be due to the fact that the guy is pushing romance and physical intimacy before developing any other kind of intimacy. 1
Granin Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I agree with you... but I also think women put in this position need to say the guy pushed things prematurely, and would have preferred not to be obliged to make a decision about him so abruptly. A lot of guys here complain about women poofing after what they thought was a good time, or friendzoning them... it may have to do with the fact that they don't feel anything romantic. it may also be due to the fact that the guy is pushing romance and physical intimacy before developing any other kind of intimacy. It's difficult for men, because we're always told the fast track to the friendzone IS passivity and taking things too slow. A woman wants you to be bold, confident, comfortably sexual around you. Avoiding doing that for too long makes a woman see you as a non-sexual object, like her brother, or a cactus. I've panicked before and gone for the kiss completely stupidly because prior to the date, a friend was warning me about the dangers of the friendzone, and I just panicked. I paid for that dearly, trust me (not a slap or anything, basically the archetype message I wrote above ). The best thing to do is chill out and roll with it, but it can be hard sometimes when you get stuck in your own head. People move at different paces anyway. Regardless of WHAT turned you off, you should always let them know when you can't see things moving forward and be completely candid and clear. No need to shovel unnecessary details in their face, just let them know so they can heal up and get back to finding someone who will appreciate a premature snog.
somedude81 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Thank you for your posts. I think I will take most people's advice and just give a short, brief statement saying that I am just not interested in him that way, instead of sending him a longer explanation via email as I was considering. For those concerned that I am trying to 'string him along' as a friend or torture him to get 'the attention I require' I can guarantee you that this is not my intention. If anything I want to offer him friendship because I know that when I have been dumped in the past the most painful part was when the person I was seeing did not even want to be friends. Not that I would have wanted to continue seeing them as friends, but it hurts to know that they don't even care about you as a human being. I don't want him to feel that way, so I thought about offering him to hang out as friends (and mostly expecting that he will decline). So you want to say, hey lets just be friend and expecting he will say no? Sounds kind of dishonest to me. You just don't want to feel guilty for rejecting him. And "offering" him friendship is a way for you to clear you conscious. If he says no, then he's the one with the problem 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Even though you might find this hard to believe, I am actually trying to do here what is best for him. You are not really 'friends' now. He's some dude you met online. So, whether you ask him to be friends or not doesn't matter. But yes, just be upfront. It's difficult for men, because we're always told the fast track to the friendzone IS passivity and taking things too slow. A woman wants you to be bold, confident, comfortably sexual around you. Avoiding doing that for too long makes a woman see you as a non-sexual object, like her brother, or a cactus. Right. For most guys, it's difficult. Men are the buyers and women are the sellers. You just have to have thick skin. Which hopefully this guy does.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 You just don't want to feel guilty for rejecting him. And "offering" him friendship is a way for you to clear you conscious. If he says no, then he's the one with the problem That kind of 'guilt' only lasts a day or two. Trust me. When you have no attraction or feelings for a person, you never care. On the other hand, the guy could be some sucker and it takes him a year or two to get over the OP. He's all thinking about how in love with her he is, and she is thinking about what to wear to snag a hot guy at the bar by this coming weekend. The solution: Don't be the sucker. 1
Author Graduate Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 "I've had a good time with you but I don't want to give you any false expectations, I'm just not feeling that romantic spark and I don't want to waste your time. I see you more as a friend, but if you choose not to pursue that kind of relationship with me, I will understand" This is perfect and what I will send him if I hear from him again. Though he has not called in two days (when I usually hear from him on a daily basis), so maybe he could tell that the date did not go to well, or maybe he has lost interest himself. Thank you very much for your help. That's exactly what I hoped to get.
crederer Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I've only been dumped once and it was from a LTR. I could tell she was trying to let me down easy, but it made it so much worse. Just cut to the chase, don't have to be rude but be honest and he'll respect that. I've dumped several women, and I was honest with them about it and it seemed to go over fairly well, with one exception, who was indeed a nut.
Author Graduate Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 (edited) He texted me today and asked me out for Friday. I responded that I had to work (which is true) and that I would call him in a few days when things quiet down at work (it really is very busy, which I told him about when I last met him.) His reply was to say that he did not believe I had to work and that he did not expect to hear from me again. He said all that in a very snarky way. WTF? We have only been on two dates and I legitimately have to work on the day he asked me to hang out. Why does he think he can get upset if I don't accept a date or tell him that I can't talk right then because work is busy? I really did not expect that from him. I was being honest, but even if I had just not wanted to meet up with him again, I don't think that getting angry was a justified reaction. He wrote again an hour later apologizing for his reply and saying he hoped I would still get in touch with him, but he wished me all the best if I did not. Now I am not sure what to do, I honestly liked him and hoped we could at least be friends, even though I suspected that he would not be interested in just friendship. But now I wonder if that side of him is something I really want to be around, and also if I should even still reply or just accept the fact that he practically said goodbye and move on. Thoughts? Oh, and if you are wondering why I did not text him right then that I was only interested in friendship, I was busy at work and did not want to send such a message when I was stressed and could not focus. I did not expect to hear from him this morning and was a bit surprised. Now I wish I just had not replied till this evening, but my first instinct is always to reply to a text ASAP if I have a chance. Edited May 7, 2013 by Graduate
Treasa Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Do you have a suggestion on how to tell a guy that you are not interested, without hurting his feelings? Here are the details of my situation: I met this guy online, we talked for a few weeks and clicked. We finally met last week and I really had a good time. At the end he gave me a quick peck on the lips, which surprised me but I was okay with it. Yesterday we went out again and at some point when we were walking down the street he turned to me and started kissing me. Unfortunately I did not enjoy the kiss, but even more, I did not feel any romantic sparks. We continued walking and he held my hand. I let him because I did not want to make him feel rejected. When we said goodbye he talked about what we should do next and I said for him to give me a call and we would talk about it. After I got home and today I thought about it and realized that my feelings for him are more platonic than romantic. It's only been two dates, but he already seems to think of us as an item, which I am not ready for. I guess if he had not made 'his move' yesterday we would have gone on a few more dates and my feelings might have developed for him, but now I feel like I am kind of forced to make a decision on whether I want to continue dating him and right now the answer is no. At least not as more than friends. He is a really great guy though, and I don't want to hurt him, so I don't know what to say. Bottom line is that I would like to keep seeing him, but more as friends and not as potential boyfriend/girlfriend. Any suggestions? Btw, even though this may sound like high-school drama, we are both in our 30ies. I highlighted where you made your mistake. Regardless of how he's going to take it, which is his problem and not yours, you should have immediately told him you have only platonic feelings for him, and that while he's a nice guy, you will not be receiving kisses or holding hands with him anymore. I don't go out of my way to hurt someone, but if they can't handle the truth (giggle), that isn't my issue to deal with.
somedude81 Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Oh, and if you are wondering why I did not text him right then that I was only interested in friendship, I was busy at work and did not want to send such a message when I was stressed and could not focus. I did not expect to hear from him this morning and was a bit surprised. Now I wish I just had not replied till this evening, but my first instinct is always to reply to a text ASAP if I have a chance. I still think you should have been completely honest. You were giving him false hope and he already had a feeling he didn't have a chance. As odd as it seems, I think he wanted you to shut him down.
Andy_K Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Do you have a suggestion on how to tell a guy that you are not interested, without hurting his feelings? There is no way to do this. Also, most of the time we don't want you to spare our feelings. The more it hurts or the more direct it is, the less mental angst we expend trying to figure out what the hell we did wrong and why you won't give us the real reason. In the short term perhaps he might not react as well, but in the longer term he'll be grateful for the honestly. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Thoughts? Just forget it. The absolute worst is when a guy knows you like him as a person but just don't have that spark. We all know what that 'spark' means. Just leave him alone.
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