TheAlien Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Hello. I'm writing here for the first time, and I'm sorry should I introduce myself somewhere? I guess my story is just one amongst many here and sorry if this is long, I just feel as if I have to write it down, like pretending I can talk to someone you know... I am sorry. this is probably hard to understand and really really confused and too long.. also english is my 2nd language.. soryy... My story starts in summer/autumn 2009. I was 19 at the time and in a relationship with a a guy for almost 4 yeras. lets call him Robert. Robert is 3 years older than I am and he's an asbergers autist. We had a very good relationship, despite it being very difficult communication wise. He taught me how to be a better person, we had our own home, we were happy together. Despite my relationship going steady and good I however had nothing to be very happy about. I've been always shy, but after my hardly build up social network I had when I was about 12- 15 broke apart due to multiple reasons (our hang out places closing, the suicide of my best friend, and some of my friends moving away) I just didn't have any freinds at all. I've never really fit in either, and for one thing I thought I just never want to lose anyone again (I've lost my father when I was 8 years to cancer, as mentioned my best friend killed himself when I was 14, and another good friend died to almost the same time in a bicycle accident) and the second thing was that my shyness had developed into a serious social anxiety. I couldn't really leave the house. It just scared me to death. This late autumn tho, after travelling with my autist spectrum boyfriend through scandinavia I just wanted to change things. I had already decided I wouldn't go for the very obvious career choice for me (biology) but would go where my heart was, which is illustration and graphic design. Getting a study field in these sectors is very hard in my country but I decided to give it a go. In late 2009 I signed up on the messageboard/Forum of my favourite band, simply because I had no friends with the same music taste, and music has always been so important to me that it mattered that I hadn't any friends who liked the same music as I did, I wanted to meet new people aswell. I had also just been send away from a therapist for my anxiety because I didn't fit the scheme for a paied therapy and couldn't pay it myself, so I had decided that I would just battle it on my own and I figured speaking to other people than my boyfriend even only only would be a start. Too make things short, it became a good start, because I started to travel after that band, met new people and everything went great. I still had throwback but started to get my panic attacks under control. A couple of months after me a young guy signed up on this forum aswell. He was 3 years younger than me.. Let's call him David. I think we didn't really like each other at first, but soon had the most funny, weird and awesome chats I've ever had. We could talk a whole night. I met him in summer 2010 for the first time on a concert of the mentioned band, 2000km away from home. Beong naturally shy and tongue tied this was a person I could easily communicate with. In fact, I didn't feel awkward in somones company for the very first time in my entire life (this includes all the friends I had befor and my boyfreind robert). Other people noticed it too, I remeber a friend being a put off by it because she thought I didn't really like her after she watched me and David getting along so easily. I really had to convince her it was new to me aswell. We watched two shows together, and after I went home our chatting increased alot, we talked on camera and so on. I guess this is the point where I have to explain why I traveelled alonbe to those concerts and not with Robert, well he wasn't the jealous and protective guy, and he wasn't really into the music so that was all there is to it. One Year later I decided to go and travel again, and again Robert wans't as into it and me and David decided to travel together. We live 2000 kms apart, but we met at his place and started to go round his country. I think this time around Robert was a little jealous, but ofc he trusted me and it was all fine. Again it was just so easy with David, we laughed, we had fun, it was just such a magical time alltogether, and I guess everyone saw it coming exept us. When he had to catch the train our world fell apart. We were misiing each other so much. it just caught me so off guard and I think it was the same for him. We've fallen in love, and that meant trouble ofc. I was very very hesitant about going into a realtionship with him. However somehow he made me feel so good, so safe and complete that I gave in. He reassured me, he was there for me, and he loved me. I knew I had to break up with Robert, but at first couldn't bring myself to do it. David and I were long distance so it was easy to cheat. (I know I'm an ******* here,.. no need to tell me.) David and I met again 2 months later. He kissed me for the first time on the railway station. I've never been kissed like that before. I spend 2 days with him and it was so beautiful. I've never felt so wlecomed anywhere, I never felt so good in my life before or after that. I slept with him, it was odd timing and all but I loved it anyway. After I went home i knew this was settled. I had decided to break off with robert, I was **** scared to do it, but I knew it would happen. David kept telling he loved me. Everthing seemed fine. A month later I still hadn't broken things off with robert, he however had moved away and we were long distance too due to studying, we hadn't conncetd well for some time anyway, and I knew I had to speak to him in Person to break it to him, so I had to wait anyway. david didn't complain about it, so I just waited for christmas and him to come so I could be with David without being such an ass. However, David suddenly stopped talking to me. i don't know what happend, he stopped talking to me for a week, and then was really sorry, but it happened again and then again. I was devastated. He had family problems, his parents where just splitting, so I guess I should have been more understanding, but I was so convinced he would leave me. I was so scraed and heartbroken, and I was at one point so convinced he didn't like me anymore that I told him I couldn't invest in our relationship anymore. I had repeatedly tried to talk to him with no respnse and I told him that I couldn't be the only one working on this relationship, so I had to break it. He said only "I understand." and "I am sorry." I think he actually was said about it. He psoted a song about a guy losing his "angel after that on fb. I didn't hear from him. This was short before christmas. I was so sad an devastated but decided to hide it and not ruin someone elses Christmas too, so I underwent the tornmenet of a "happy family" christmas with Robert. I broke up with him after New Years. It wasn't pretty, and I still cringe at how much pain I have given him, but I felt relieved, and after a while it was ok I think for him. However, I was still devastataed. I couldnt get past the depression. I was depressed before but nothing like this. David was my soulmate. I mean we#re talking the ONLY person EVER I felt I could relate to. He said the same things about me. We're talking a guy here who was very young but very mature who had never been in a serious relationship before, who told me he had never loved before and now finally knew what everyone was talking about me. The same guy who told me I made him understand love songs (he's a musician I should add). He told me he's never been kissed like that before. He told me I'm the one. And he had some number of flings, just never a relationship before that. He was my best friend, my only friend, the love of my life. I tried to talk to him again, offering to work it out but he never respnded. after 2 minths or so I stopped trying. after he had ignored me for 5 months he finally wrote to me. he said he still loved me and the we fitted great but that he couldn't handle the distance. I dunno. This is one year ago. We've had some contact in between, but in the end I always stepped away because it was just so painful. I love him so much. I care for him so deeply. and I don't know what to do. I've been absoloutely no contact for a while now, but teh pain does never stop. I still love him, and he doesn't seem to care anymore. I just feel so far away from everything- I have no friends, noone I can talk to, I have nobody. I have caused someone great pain to be with somone else. Maybe thats the fair punishment for it, but I can't stop feeling that it's enough now. Robert is happily in africa now making films (something hes always dreamed of) and David.. I dunno. I miss him so much, but hes never trued to contact me really again, so I guess he couldn't care less. I've been punished enough now. I just want my only rela realatable person back. and it hurts so much, I've tried being busy, I've gone no contact I've done everything i could but I can't stop hurting over losing the person that I care about more than anything else in the world. EDIT: It's been 18 months since the break up(s)
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