zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Having a really rough day and if you read my other thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/388794-4-years-down-drain#post4829959 You would get a idea of what I am going through. My question is how does everyone deal with there EX being with someone else? I suspect that is the case and my first inclination is to text her and ask ( not that it would change anything) and then of course I want to flip out. I keep getting these guilty texts saying " im sorry for what I did and I know im a crappy person " texts and im tying to ignore them but I just reply that these things need to be said to my face. Anyone help please?
KPChick000 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I am sorry for what you're going through. My advice is to not text her and ask. I know it is killing you not knowing, but in my personal experience, ignorance helps to move on, which is why everyone advocates NC on here. You're just going to be an emotional mess once/if you find out that she IS with someone else. Stay strong and do not contact her! Try to tell yourself it is over. It doesn't matter what she is doing. (I know it's easier said than done... going through a BU myself.)
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 I am sorry for what you're going through. My advice is to not text her and ask. I know it is killing you not knowing, but in my personal experience, ignorance helps to move on, which is why everyone advocates NC on here. You're just going to be an emotional mess once/if you find out that she IS with someone else. Stay strong and do not contact her! Try to tell yourself it is over. It doesn't matter what she is doing. (I know it's easier said than done... going through a BU myself.) Thank you it is so tough because we spent 4 years and were engaged and a month later? I know it's none of my business but I do feel like I deserve to know. She said she is coming by my house this week to tell me she is sorry etc.. to my face. I am thinking this is probably not such a good idea.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Oh and BTW people I am seriously screwed. Since we booked a hall for the wedding I am getting non stop mail everyday from different vendors ( DJ'S FLORISTS ETC..) I am seriously cursed. A friend of mine said these brochures come for at least a year. How in the world can I start a new relationship with these flyers, letters coming everyday as a reminder?
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Thank you it is so tough because we spent 4 years and were engaged and a month later? I know it's none of my business but I do feel like I deserve to know. If you know it's none of your business, then no - you don't deserve to know. What you're doing is self-torturing - deliberately seeking to hurt yourself more deeply, just to maintain a connection with her. She said she is coming by my house this week to tell me she is sorry etc.. to my face. I am thinking this is probably not such a good idea. Damn right it's not - why insist on a F2F discussion? I'll tell you why - it will be to just see her again. And again, this is a form of self-torture. Looking with desire and despair at what you can no longer have, what is out of reach, what is no longer available, or yours to have. So near and yet, so far. Cancel the meeting. Go Complete total No Contact. Take the advice - you know it makes sense. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Oh and BTW people I am seriously screwed. Since we booked a hall for the wedding I am getting non stop mail everyday from different vendors ( DJ'S FLORISTS ETC..) I am seriously cursed. A friend of mine said these brochures come for at least a year. How in the world can I start a new relationship with these flyers, letters coming everyday as a reminder? Simple: One: Contact the companies and tell them to quit sending you stuff. Or, better yet: If they supply a pre-paid envelope, put all their junk back into it, (removing any reference to yourself) and mail it to them. Even if the envelope isn't pre-paid, they'll have to foot the bill.....] If you get e-mails, mark/label them as spam. Quit being a "woe is me" victim. man up, get a grip and grab the Bull of Life by the horns. Worse things have happened. While I know (believe me, I do!) this is distressing for you, the sun will rise, the tides will ebb and flow and the seasons will cycle, just as always. Get the bit between your teeth, and go for it..... 1
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 If you know it's none of your business, then no - you don't deserve to know. What you're doing is self-torturing - deliberately seeking to hurt yourself more deeply, just to maintain a connection with her. Damn right it's not - why insist on a F2F discussion? I'll tell you why - it will be to just see her again. And again, this is a form of self-torture. Looking with desire and despair at what you can no longer have, what is out of reach, what is no longer available, or yours to have. So near and yet, so far. Cancel the meeting. Go Complete total No Contact. Take the advice - you know it makes sense. I know that you are right but from reading the circumstances of our breakup don't you think I deserved better and at least deserve to have her at least have the nuts to at least say these things to my face? I can't have her text me that "she has no excuse for this except that she is a crappy person and she only has good thoughts and well wishes for me and she is sorry for what she did" and say that is acceptable? Through a text? I told her to ay those things to my face and she agreed that I at lest deserved that. Am I just letting her off the hook by accepting a text message? You make complete sense and I value your opinion but it is so tough to follow.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I know that you are right but from reading the circumstances of our breakup don't you think I deserved better and at least deserve to have her at least have the nuts to at least say these things to my face? I can't have her text me that "she has no excuse for this except that she is a crappy person and she only has good thoughts and well wishes for me and she is sorry for what she did" and say that is acceptable? Through a text? If this is how she operates, then it's not going to get better. Your indignation and need for justification, is understandable, but you won't get satisfaction out of this, that way. And you sure as hell won't get closure, either. I told her to ay those things to my face and she agreed that I at lest deserved that. Am I just letting her off the hook by accepting a text message? What hook? Look - it's over. How, why and wherefore is immaterial. So she didn't do it fairly? She didn't do it 'your way'...? So what? It is what it is. Flogging the dead horse will not make it sit up and take notice. She ended it. Looks like the 4 years didn't reveal her true self. Now you have encountered an aspect of her which was wholly unforeseen. She chose that method out of cowardice. So she's backed away from doing 'the right thing'.... Sad, but true. What do you want - a chance to make her squirm? To put one over on her? What's the point? The end result is the same: It's over. You make complete sense and I value your opinion but it is so tough to follow. Yup. There is no easy route, no short-cut. It's cold turkey for the heart. Painful, stressful and challenging. But do it, and do it right. 2
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 If this is how she operates, then it's not going to get better. Your indignation and need for justification, is understandable, but you won't get satisfaction out of this, that way. And you sure as hell won't get closure, either. What hook? Look - it's over. How, why and wherefore is immaterial. So she didn't do it fairly? She didn't do it 'your way'...? So what? It is what it is. Flogging the dead horse will not make it sit up and take notice. She ended it. Looks like the 4 years didn't reveal her true self. Now you have encountered an aspect of her which was wholly unforeseen. She chose that method out of cowardice. So she's backed away from doing 'the right thing'.... Sad, but true. What do you want - a chance to make her squirm? To put one over on her? What's the point? The end result is the same: It's over. Yup. There is no easy route, no short-cut. It's cold turkey for the heart. Painful, stressful and challenging. But do it, and do it right. I know you are right .. I guess I expected better from someone I spent 4 really good years with. I asked her after that text why she didn't say these things to my face and she responded by saying she couldn't see me because she was embarrassed, scared, and ashamed. How does one interpret that? Sorry for asking all of this and it is sincerely out of me being in a bad place but your advice is helping.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 It's simple: She's being frank open and honest with you via text, because this really is something she cannot bear to say to your face. She's known you for 4 years - the guilt is palpable. I honestly do understand your desire to do this face to face - but this will make her feel sick to her stomach.... I bet she's positively dreading meeting up with you. So, you decide: Knowing of the potential effect on both of you - What is it you really want out of this meeting?
bluecrabroll Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Zendon I would listen to Taramaiden. I have recently walked down this path and you will see things you do not want to see, emotions will run high and you will lose a lot of self-respect you have for yourself. I confronted my ex in person about us breaking up (tried to dignify it) and it hurt a lot. I also asked for an answer and I get "I have an avoidant personality." The darkest parts of your personality will come out. Don't do it. The things people do when they are faced against you and the edge of a cliff just to get what they want will not be healthy for you. You are not their #1 anymore. You are asking for someone who left your things out on the street, went AWOL to come back, see you in person and explain everything when it seems like it is the last thing they want to do. She's already said she's embarssed, guilty and ashamed. Trust me it will not end well. In a twisted way you do not want the person you love to feel like that all over again in person for your own righteousness. You have made progress already in trying to accept that it is over. She walked away. Just let it go and preserve as much self-respect as you can. Many of us never find the answer to why this and that and in the end it doesn't matter. The only self-torture you should do is to take care of the wedding residuals. It will force you to realize that it really is all over and you can start moving forward from there. 1
Am4Real Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Zendon, To me, these excerpts are all that are relevant, especially the third one marked in BOLD. There is another great post on this board I think you might helpful, especially the reference to the person you saw on the exit of the relationship is the real person by character. "The person you thought they were walked right out the door the moment they left. Depending on how messy it was, if there was cheating involved, etc, you are seeing the real them. TAKE THEM OFF THE PEDESTAL. " When I read that the first time it made me shudder, however the more one thinks about it, even about ourselves, the more it makes perfect sense. Here is the LINK to that post. If this is how she operates, then it's not going to get better. Look - it's over. How, why and wherefore is immaterial. So she didn't do it fairly? She didn't do it 'your way'...? So what? Now you have encountered an aspect of her which was wholly unforeseen. She chose that method out of cowardice. So she's backed away from doing 'the right thing'.... Sad, but true. She's known you for 4 years - the guilt is palpable.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 It's simple: She's being frank open and honest with you via text, because this really is something she cannot bear to say to your face. She's known you for 4 years - the guilt is palpable. I honestly do understand your desire to do this face to face - but this will make her feel sick to her stomach.... I bet she's positively dreading meeting up with you. So, you decide: Knowing of the potential effect on both of you - What is it you really want out of this meeting? I know what you say is true because she said she would meet up with me this week. If she was looking forward to it this would have been done already. As for what I am looking for?? I love the girl or at least I am in love with the routine of loving her. I am 37 and the possibility of dating again is making me nauseous. I had everything I wanted including the marriage plans which she pushed for and now it is all gone with no explanation. I know I am torturing myself but I expect and deserve better. 1
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Zendon I would listen to Taramaiden. I have recently walked down this path and you will see things you do not want to see, emotions will run high and you will lose a lot of self-respect you have for yourself. I confronted my ex in person about us breaking up (tried to dignify it) and it hurt a lot. I also asked for an answer and I get "I have an avoidant personality." The darkest parts of your personality will come out. Don't do it. The things people do when they are faced against you and the edge of a cliff just to get what they want will not be healthy for you. You are not their #1 anymore. You are asking for someone who left your things out on the street, went AWOL to come back, see you in person and explain everything when it seems like it is the last thing they want to do. She's already said she's embarssed, guilty and ashamed. Trust me it will not end well. In a twisted way you do not want the person you love to feel like that all over again in person for your own righteousness. You have made progress already in trying to accept that it is over. She walked away. Just let it go and preserve as much self-respect as you can. Many of us never find the answer to why this and that and in the end it doesn't matter. The only self-torture you should do is to take care of the wedding residuals. It will force you to realize that it really is all over and you can start moving forward from there. You are so right as I have the ring still and the letters to send back to the vendors for deposits sitting on my table along with about 35 letters from different vendors. I am allowing myself to be miserable and I have to move on. Thank you all for your advice as it does really help ( even if I don't act upon it) The thought of her with someone else makes me sick and I just have to accept it along with this breakup. The acting that this girl put on with the everyday I love you to the getting the wedding dress 3 days prior and booking the places the week before makes me wonder what this girl was thinking about every single day.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I know what you say is true because she said she would meet up with me this week. If she was looking forward to it this would have been done already. So.... how does knowing how she feels - make you feel? As for what I am looking for?? I love the girl or at least I am in love with the routine of loving her. This does not explain what you're looking for. You may 'love the girl' but 'the girl' doesn't love you. So it's unrequited love - unless you mean, it could have just become a habit )bolded part)...? I am 37 and the possibility of dating again is making me nauseous. I had everything I wanted including the marriage plans which she pushed for and now it is all gone with no explanation. Oh please.... I was 54 when I got married again. Life isn't over - not by a long stretch.... I know I am torturing myself but I expect and deserve better. One: Why exactly are you torturing yourself? To what end? What's your aim in doing that? We may all 'expect and deserve' but that neither guarantees nor entitles us to 'better'. it is what it is. We all have 20/20 vision with hindsight - but something made this stop in its tracks and change its course. Something made her switch off, after 4 years. Do you have any idea what that could possibly have been?
LoveB86 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 It's hard It's even worse when they cheat and are with that person (in my case). I don't know how I could ever move on knowing he cheated, not just ended it while alone, but cheated while with someone else. I had forgiven him, but I will never ever forget. I wish him the best.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 So.... how does knowing how she feels - make you feel? . This does not explain what you're looking for. You may 'love the girl' but 'the girl' doesn't love you. So it's unrequited love - unless you mean, it could have just become a habit )bolded part)...? Oh please.... I was 54 when I got married again. Life isn't over - not by a long stretch.... One: Why exactly are you torturing yourself? To what end? What's your aim in doing that? We may all 'expect and deserve' but that neither guarantees nor entitles us to 'better'. it is what it is. We all have 20/20 vision with hindsight - but something made this stop in its tracks and change its course. Something made her switch off, after 4 years. Do you have any idea what that could possibly have been? I have no idea but a friend said the whole marriage thing was to much for her even though she pushed for it. She was stressed beyond belief and both of our mothers were beyond pushy to no end ( in a loving way at least) and her saying " I thought getting married was going to make me happy" really made me feel like crap" HELLLOOOOO if you weren't happy to begin with why push for it, why go through the daily motions and most of all where was the respect to tell me she wasn't happy to begin with so we could have at the very least talk about and try to resolve things before they spiraled.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Hmmm.. You keep saying your respective mothers were 'pushy' in a loving way. My guess is, as a woman, she didn't see it that way. All she saw was pressure, interference and meddling. (I read your original thread BtW....) My guess is that she probably WAS happy to begin with, but someone who suffers from depression can't always rationalise stuff or putr it into perspective. She was scared off. Either directly by the pressure, or indirectly by the meddling - it all became too much for her. She bailed because she couldn't handle it all. And tragically - you became the main sufferer.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Hmmm.. You keep saying your respective mothers were 'pushy' in a loving way. My guess is, as a woman, she didn't see it that way. All she saw was pressure, interference and meddling. (I read your original thread BtW....) My guess is that she probably WAS happy to begin with, but someone who suffers from depression can't always rationalise stuff or putr it into perspective. She was scared off. Either directly by the pressure, or indirectly by the meddling - it all became too much for her. She bailed because she couldn't handle it all. And tragically - you became the main sufferer. Yes you are right. A mutual friend of ours put it this way from her . She wasn't happy and didn't want to plan a wedding . I agree that it was meddling and the only reason I said they were being pushy in a loving way is because they were excited and offered to pay for things and bottom line wanted us to be happy. How do I proceed exactly in a mature way? Take her offer to come over? Tell her not to? don't answer her anymore? I would like to be respected and told to my face but if you say the way for me to get respect is not to bother then I would seriously consider it.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Ring her and ask her if, by coming over, she feels there is anything that can be salvaged. Would she consider discussing this, even in front of a counsellor? Tell her that Counselling isn't designed to keep people together, necessarily - it's just a safe situation, emotionally speaking, to be able to express one's self with no recrimination or pressure... (that all happens to be true...). If she backs off, protests or back-pedals, then there's little you can do. But if she's open to discussing something - then maybe you might be able at least to clear the fog - even if there's no way she will be willing to put this back on track.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Ring her and ask her if, by coming over, she feels there is anything that can be salvaged. Would she consider discussing this, even in front of a counsellor? Tell her that Counselling isn't designed to keep people together, necessarily - it's just a safe situation, emotionally speaking, to be able to express one's self with no recrimination or pressure... (that all happens to be true...). If she backs off, protests or back-pedals, then there's little you can do. But if she's open to discussing something - then maybe you might be able at least to clear the fog - even if there's no way she will be willing to put this back on track. I suggested it when she initially tossed me and she said no. I also suggested countless times to take her to a Dr. to at the very least get medication for depression that she told me she suffered with to no avail. It was procrastination at it's finest and I never picked up on it unless she was having the outbursts about her father passing. I guess there is little you can do for someone who doesn't want help. Admitting it is a half ass way of treating it. I need help and I have sought out counseling on my own and of course I vent here. My question is what is the course of action if she completely blows off meeting me ? I don't want to call and ask her when she is coming by.
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 If she blows off meeting you, then there's your answer. no Contact. Basically, simply, that's the be-all and end-all of it.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 If she blows off meeting you, then there's your answer. no Contact. Basically, simply, that's the be-all and end-all of it. Thank you- Do I proceed with the declaration text of " you said you were sorry etc through text and said you would meet me to tell me to my face" and tell her not to contact me anymore? Or do I just go NC ?
TaraMaiden Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 "I think this meeting will have little effect and will just create discomfort. I think we should cancel. Please don't contact me any more." Then - Go No Contact. Even if she responds with an acknowledgement/agreement. That's it. Done.
Author zendon73 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 "I think this meeting will have little effect and will just create discomfort. I think we should cancel. Please don't contact me any more." Then - Go No Contact. Even if she responds with an acknowledgement/agreement. That's it. Done. Thank you and I will try but a you can tell I am a glutton for punishment. I don't want to wonder anymore.
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