Anyone feel that being in an affair just ruined them for future relatiomnships?

[KismetGirl]

Not that it's as simple as that of course. Likely the reason one gets into an affair to begin with is a lack of self-esteem in some respects. If you thought you could get/deserved better you might have the strength to have removed yourself from the situation, even if you accidentally found yourself in it.

 

I guess thats how I feel sometimes. I started posting on here back 5-6 years ago when I was in the midst of a five year affair where I was the OW, on and off, for a long time. Through many arguments and reaffirmations and contemplations and etc I ended it, and it's been some time since I had contact with my ExMM. I don't really miss him anymore specifically (obviously we were not meant to be), but I think sometimes I miss how he made me feel when we were together.

 

I had entered into a seemingly normal and good relationship after my affair ended, a couple of years ago with someone I mentioned on here in my last posts back in the day.\, named Michael, and it lasted for nearly two years. I'm sad (or not) to say it's over , and that as hard as I tried to make it work, Michael ended up being a bit more emotionally retarded than I cared to admit as the relationship progressed.

 

It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong in my process of selection. Did being in an affair so long somehow seriously hinder my self-worth so much that I can't even be attracted to a "normal" guy anymore that doesn't take me for granted and isn't utterly emotionally a mess?

 

Those that know my story know that I have every reason to be a confident person-- I'm a decently attractive, intelligent, funny (so I am told), caring woman, who is highly educated and has a job that is generally considered one of the more successful, respectable professions one can hope to have (or I try to think so--- there are some awful physicians out there. ;-) ).

 

I've spent a large portion of my teenage to adult life, tho, hiding behind the fluctuating grasps of illogical depression that plagues so many people, a long history of self-esteem fluctuation (also illogical) from my youth that I can't seem to shake no matter how much socioeconomic success I obtain, and I think that is largely in part due to my love life, which has been, at least to me, a constant source of failure.

 

Now that I am into my 30's and single again after a torrid two years with Michael that ended really, REALLY badly (for a plethora of reasons, least of which were his emotional cheating with some woman halfway across the world....another story), it really has me down. I know the 30s arent the equivalent of my life being over, but I think some other women can relate to the different feeling once you hit that age and you have no prospects in sight, a slew of romantic failures, and everyone around you is getting married and having kids already. I know that somehow I am choosing these men (exMM, Michael, etc) who are obviously incapable of emotionally giving me a stable relationship, and yet they always seem so normal at first. Barring exMM (who was unavailable obviously), the rest seemed so NORMAL at first and we'd fall in love and then it would just go to hell, but I started my affair with exMM VERY young....i was barely out of school at the time, and sometimes it seems as if everyone that's followed him has been some weird variant of his personality or looks, even though I dont consciously desire someone just like him.

 

My friends seem to think I keep finding men with exMM's personality. I disagree, because everyone is different, and many men share similiar personality traits without being the exact same people.

 

Recently I moved away and spent some time particularly avoiding dating. But as time goes you get lonely again despite friends and family and crave that romantic interlude and I gave a blind date a go, quite pessimistically, and it was great. For a month I dated this guy and it seemed perfect, then, poof, out of no where one day he calls me to tell me he had this life event happen, that life/work/etc was going to be very stressful and busy over the next couple months, and that he didnt think he'd have time for a girlfriend. It seemed a really weird reason to break up withs omeone, though he kept insisting it had nothing to do with me and that maybe we could try again when his issues settled down in a couple months, but to me, all I kept hearing was another rejection and another failure. Without writing another ten pages about his poor excuse for ending it, just take my word on it that it was weird, nonsensical, and confusing at best, and a situation that should not normally warrant a break up-- but, yet again, I fell for someone who is obviously emotionally stunted, scared of committment and unable to balance stress with a relationship. Surely there are a ton of people out there who maintain relationships despite other life stressors or distractions. I was crushed again. It seems to me I have this inane habit of picking people that don't ever seem to think I warrant any considerable effort in making anything work-- I always feel so utterly dispensable to every man I start to care about.

 

Some might call it karma, some might say I just have bad luck, some might say I subconsciously do it to myself. One of my close guy friends told me the other day he was at a loss as to why I had such bad luck in this department given all the good things he knows about me in the 10 years we've been acquainted, and I'm not sure what to tell him.

 

Maybe this is too long, too much of a rant, too much without a specific question, and possibly in the wrong category of threads entirely, but I always got (mostly) kind and good advice and support from people in the OM/OW section I thought I'd throw it out there again (not that any of the people who used to write here are necessarily still here I guess.)

 

Did my old affair totally ruin me for relationships? Why can't I seem to fall for a normal bloody man? Maybe I'm a lost cause.

 

I would never go back to an affair again, (I am sincerely glad it is over, in case any other OW's out there are considering if its a good idea.....affairs will 99% of the time bring only misery) , and I'm not tempted to break NC with exMM per say, but I still do think about him sometimes and wonder if that period just really screwed me up as far as romance goes. Maybe I don't even comprehend what is a healthy relationship anymore. Surely it can't just be bad luck....I dont think anyone can have such consistently bad dating luck. I think I'm just really tired of being alone, and I'm really tired of having people tell me "you have to be happy with your life first". My life is bloody fine. I'm successful, loved by family and friends, healthy and all-- and yet that one area of my life, no matter what I do, is a consistent bloody failure. Just at a loss.

 

Sorry for the rant. Feel free to ignore if necessary. Just no unkind words, please.

[carhill]

At the time, reflectively, I would say the preoccupation with the person affected my availability for other relationships, so in that sense 'ruined' me short-term but, once the relationship was resolved and I said goodbye to it, I went on to have other productive relationships and get married. It taught me the valuable lesson (young back then) of independently determining a person's marital status before becoming 'involved' with them emotionally.

 

If anything about that era 'ruined' me, it was becoming a necessarily more cynical person wrt accepting what other people say and what they do. I became more 'trust but verify' in my behaviors. More suspicious. Over the decades, that double edged sword did pay off, in that very little surprised me. Today, that's all in the past so I don't give it much thought other than dredging it up to share on LS.

 

You'll find your own process. Good luck.

[KismetGirl]

At the time, reflectively, I would say the preoccupation with the person affected my availability for other relationships, so in that sense 'ruined' me short-term but, once the relationship was resolved and I said goodbye to it, I went on to have other productive relationships and get married. It taught me the valuable lesson (young back then) of independently determining a person's marital status before becoming 'involved' with them emotionally.

 

If anything about that era 'ruined' me, it was becoming a necessarily more cynical person wrt accepting what other people say and what they do. I became more 'trust but verify' in my behaviors. More suspicious. Over the decades, that double edged sword did pay off, in that very little surprised me. Today, that's all in the past so I don't give it much thought other than dredging it up to share on LS.

 

You'll find your own process. Good luck.

 

Ahhh, i remember you. Hi again.

 

It would be an understatement to say that my experiences have made me cynical-- i can't believe anything remotely nice said to me anymore by a man. I think it makes it difficult to form a healthy relationship because I assume they are probably being insincere and lying anyway, and then I just wait for sh*t to hit the fan.

 

Im not so surprised by love failures. Just consistently disappointed despite my expectation that it will happen. Which i guess means deep inside I keep retaining hope but it keeps dwindling more and more.

 

I am mildly bitter at times. On an aside, i find that as I get older, the propensity to find a man capable of a normal comitted relationship dwindles too. Not for nothing but a 36 year old man who's never been able to keep a relationship longterm probably has some issues, and I've not ever been interested in dating someone much younger than me.

 

I am at a woeful in between age in which most of the good ones are, as they say, already taken/married. Or gay.

Edited May 5, 2013 by KismetGirl

[spice4life]

Have you thought about getting into counseling? My affair pushed me into therapy and it was in counseling that I figure out why I was attracting emotionally unavailable men. The affair wasn't the cause; it was the symptom.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is no, the affair didn't ruin my chances, it actually forced me to look at myself and figure out why "I" ended up in these situations with men. It actually improved my chances for a healthy relationship in the future.

Edited May 5, 2013 by spice4life

[KismetGirl]

Have you thought about getting into counseling? My affair pushed me into therapy and it was in counseling that I figure out why I was attracting emotionally unavailable men. The affair wasn't the cause; it was the symptom.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is no, the affair didn't ruin my chances, it actually forced me to look at myself and figure out why "I" ended up in these situations with men. It actually improved my chances for a healthy relationship in the future.

 

Tried it several times. I apparently make a better doctor than I do a patient.

 

I try to laugh about it.

 

Anyway, Im not really sure why it happens. i mean, obviously you can't known someone is emotionally a mess when you literally first meet them-- everyone seems fairly normal at first barring major mental problems. But when I think about who I was always attracted to from day 1....they all end up being the same. Im really having trouble putting my finger on it.

 

Ergo, I start to think, hell, maybe there's something wrong with me, but at the same time...as emotional as I seem in my posts, I am decidedly calm, rational, and not-crazy in person. In fact I am consistently told by people I date that I am surprsingly "un-woman-like" in my actions (im assuming they mean not an obvious rollercoaster of cliched woman emotions) and very nice. I don't yell, I don't start ridiculous arguments, I don't nag, I don't monopolize anyone's time because I am often very busy by my job regardless, and yet I try to be affectionate, sexual and considerate. I have my hissy fit moments and irritable moments like anyone else but nothing that you could say attracts similarly volatile or crazy partners. I save the majority of my crazy moments for venting on anonymous internet boards and with close friends.

 

So to answer you, I've tried counseling/therapy before, with countless people in the various places I've lived or gone to school, and it's a nice relief to have someone to vent to once a week, but honestly it never helped me gain any magical introspection I didn't already have for the most part.

 

Maybe that's why I start to wonder that I am a lost cause, forever doomed to be attracted, for no apparent reason, to men that end up being totally unavailable, whether emotionally, physically, or because they're married with three kids.

[CrimsonEyed]

It doesnt matter that people know your successful, attractive, great friends family, smart, funny, etc etc. You even think it, so you think. I don't honestly believe you do find yourself to be all these things...no way. You didn't before, and its not a magical switch that gets turned off. Some of your rant sounds a little gloating, which people who gloat tend to have lower self esteem than people who hide how miserable they are with themselves. I'm in an affair right now with a very successful, attractive, great friends family, smart and funny guy. Who thinks the world of himself, when deep down he needs nothing but constant affirmation of these things because he really thinks he's a pile of sheet.

You attract what you think yoi deserve....deep down. See I use to think i was an ugly p.o.s. not worth anything. My past affairs were with very mediocre men...nothing fancy. Well it was a few years until this current one. Within those years I felt and became more successful in my career, worked out, lost weight felt attractive, I've always been told I'm funny and I've always known I'm smart....I started appreciating family and friends on a greater level...I became (this is negative) but more materialistic because I had more money. well, sure enough I bagged a very successful wealthy man who on the outside has it all and says he has it all. But one who on the inside is dying...IRONIC??

[spice4life]

Crimson is spot on when she says that like energy attracts like energy. I'm a firm believer that your outer world is a reflection of how you are feeling about yourself on the inside. I also believe that if you don't like what the world looks like you have the power to change it when you want. It's sad that you feel you're doomed to suffer this fate forever. I know that this is not an absolute if you don't want it to be.

 

Regarding therapy, the reason it worked for me is because I always look for the lesson in each situation so I can learn grow and evolve. I also realized that in the past, when I've felt stuck, much like you're feeing right now, it was due to the fact that I was allowing my ego to guide my thinking. When I did, it always lead me down the wrong path! The ego, in and of itself, is impulsive and searches for validation externally and will take whatever it can get. And if you are involved with an emotionally unavailable man, it will make you bend and contort yourself to get the validation it seeks. Not fun! BTDT!

 

I'm sorry you feel doomed when it comes to relationships. It doesn't have to be that way. The fact that you feel you make a better doctor than you do a patient could be your ego talking. Try speaking from the heart instead and therapy might end up helping you figure out what the issue is so it can be fixed.

Edited May 5, 2013 by spice4life