Leigh 87 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 First of all: how often do you fall for other people when your in a relationship? Has this ever happened to someone when they were truly IN love with someone (that you met another person who you felt something for, in spite of the fact you really were in love with your current partner)? I believe that: even when you ARE truly in love, in a big way, there are bound to be others out there who you come into contact with, who you feel that "spark" for. Obviously, there are more than ONE person out there for you, who you "feel" something special towards upon first meeting and chatting to them. It seems inevitable that you will come into contact with other people you have that "spark" with when your in a relationship? Secondly: how often does this happen? How often do you come across others you "feel" that spark with, when your in a loving relationship? .............. I am not asking this from my own personal experience. I personally am in love and feel strongly enough to walk away from a person who I know I would otherwise have potential with if I were single.
pcplod Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 You don't have to asking this question on behalf of yourself but it does beg the question why the subject is of sufficient significant interest to you that you are asking it. Personally, I have no personal experience to draw upon to respond with, but I suspect that it is virtually impossible to answer your question; "How often"? I mean, you say, in effect, you can't see it happening to you, but how can you really know until it does? Which is trying to answer a negative hypothetical question that might never arise but still could. All I will say is that the more there is missing from the compromise that is your relationship the more likely you are to be distracted from it by something, or rather someone, who catches your eye. You then involve yourself in an almost instant and instinctive weighing-up process. It doesn't have to even reach the point where you consciously consider cashing in what you have, only that you might be tempted to find out more about this other person, even if it is just as a friend, to just lamely flirt with them. If it goes much beyond that you will inevitably start taking in other factors that can be numerous, complicated, inconsistent and even contrary. If it goes far enough you can even end up rationalising your decision in ways that others would question, such as "it would best for both of us if were to break up". Also, it is an inevitable opportunity to focus more acutely on those aspects of your current relationship that you find unsatisfactory, which you might otherwise be trying to ignore or gloss over, or maybe weren't even aware of until this other person happened along and made it obvious via the contrast between the two people. This may all seem very tawdry, tacky, unromantic and unprincipled, but this is the reality of just one part of the human condition, and personally, I think you are best to be aware of the possibility, rather than try to deny it.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 I wrote this post because: I see it happen ALL THE TIME on here; people meeting someone new and having an affair. I do read the infidelity and cheating section a fair bit. It made me think: surely people know there is more than one person out there that you could fall in love with. of course your going to come into contact with them, surely it is not hard to say "okay, I could get feelings for this person if I spend a lot of time together with them: I love my partner and I do not want to put our relationship at risk, so I am not going to spend time with people I can see myself falling in love with" I can definitely see myself meeting guys that I have "something" with. Guys who I would KNOW I need to NOT spend time with, because I would know I could develop feelings towards them. It starts with a general awareness that "something is there" with a person; it is strong enough to leave your partner for. Hence why I would recognise that there are people out there that I will meet, and cannot hang out with, due to feelings that I know would develop. I am very aware and perceptive when it comes to my feelings, however; many people just let it fester until it is too late. They spend time with people they think "well, they are just really cool and yes they are hot but oh well it is just physical attraction". Not everyone can recognise a potential spark, that will always lead to genuine feelings. I am the sort of person who..... will definitely come across people, where we both mutually feel something. I am just the sort of women who always has someone who finds me; who is really interested in me, and it is mutual from my part. Put it this way: I am not the prettiest girl about, nor am I amazingly intelligent or...wonderful. I just tend to not worry about finding guys interested in me on that level. There is something about me that stands out enough to get noticed. I will surely come into contact with men, where we have mutual attraction and something is "there" that would lead to love if we hung out often. How I handle it when I am in committed relationship, is a reflection of my character. I hope I am the person I think I am. I have talked to my own partner about what would happen if we were both put into contact with a person whom we have a spark for; who we know we WOULD develop love and feelings for, should we spend a lot of time together with them. I think we are both aware that this will inevitably happen. I mean, duh - neither of us spend time alone with people of the opposite sex that we are attracted to. It is just plain obvious! It is just not appropriate. I figure that: it takes TIME to develop something with a person you "feel" something for. If your are that invested in your current relationship, I feel that you would not let a crush, or a person you meet whom you "feel" something for, get in your way. If your smart, and really in love and in need of making your current relationship work, surely you would realise that you cannot spend a lot of time with certain people who you KNOW you would get feelings for?
charlietheginger Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 When your in a relationship... and find spark extinguish the flame. Stop eye contact, stop talking , stop flirting. Simply mention " my husband im happily married to And i blah blah blah" " im happily engaged bla blah blah" Anyone can end a conversation Why go on with another spark? YOU HAVE THE CHOICE TO FEED THE FIRE OR PUT WATER ON IT. 2
jeni4566 Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I feel intense attraction towards a guy every 5-6 years, since elementary school. Sometimes, I am in a relationship when it happens, sometimes, I am not. I think it's perfectly normal. Just don't act upon it, when you're attached.
KungFuJoe Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I believe that if you are truly happy in your relationship (and I mean truly) then you won't desire anyone else regardless of how much time you spend with them. Not to say you won't find someone else attractive, but that feelings won't develop beyond what's on the surface. I think those that stray or have wandering eyes, do so because they feel they are missing out on something. 5
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 But, Kungfu Joe - I am not saying anything about ACTING on it - but surely there ARE other people out there that you would undeniably and uncontrollably "feel" something toward, and would therefore fall for if you spent a lot of time together? Aren't there people who, irrespective of their appearance and your sexual attraction towards them; people who just get a "feeling" about? How can you stop that "feeling" that comes along rarely, just because your in a relationship? I would never act on feelings, I would cut contact with a guy who I felt it for. I will give you an example: my good friend is in a very serious relationship. They are very much in love and only have a future planned with each other. Well, she kissed this younger guy (her bf is about 10 yrs older than she is). SHe and the guy had strong chemistry and something there, and instead of cutting contact, she kept hanging out. As soon as the kiss happened, she cut all contact and was totally terrified, and told her bf right away. She DOES love her boyfriend, as much as you can love a person. So...... I dunno about that, that if your totally in love with one person, that you will NOT come into contact with a person that you have a "feeling" about.
Divasu Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Fyi - Your 1st and 2nd questions are one in the same. In high school when I was 16, I was dating a guy but I started liking someone else. Beyond that, when I'm in love and in a committed relationship, I don't 'fall' for another person. 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I have only ever had it happen once, and to this day I don't regret it one bit. My exbf and I weren't together long, were going on 2-3 months I guess? He was completely in love with me and although things were amazing in the first month, I was nowhere near in love like he was. It wasn't so much that I fell for another person. I just happened to meet someone who I instantly knew I wanted to be with... and amazingly the day I met my now BF I ended things with my ex, before we had even had a first date. That is just HOW strong the connection was, and everything afterwards has been amazing. Best decision I ever made. We are so happy in love and all because I followed my heart. I don't think it happens to people often, but when it does... I say go for it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 If I were to simply go with someone I had a strong connection with I'd be spinning in the circles my entire life. Most people claim that they have a hard time finding someone they connect with, however when you look at the results they always seem to run into somebody eventually that they do have this supposed "rare and significant" connection with. I think what happens is many people aren't in love as much as they believe, they just really want to be loved themselves and be/feel "in love" when they get this strong connection and chemistry with someone they assume that this must be "it". From my perspective it's an exaggeration, and the proof of that to me is these people always find someone else to "fall in love with", in the future, it's not like you just stop and stay alone forever after this "rare and special" person exits out of your life, which in the end, I'm willing to bet it wasn't as "perfect" as you thought it was in your cloudy moment. In retrospect you can see the flaws of your beliefs. Personally, I don't have much trouble connecting with women, especially on an emotional level. And when I go out or am just minding my own business...surprise, surprise, I tend to run into this ever so elusive "connection" and strong sense of chemistry and "knowing" with someone. I can react very confidently in that moment, because for me it's like I know without a doubt that there is something there and I can sense and feel the other person is feeling the same way, it's like some other instinctive connection that is just felt between two people. I have no doubts or second guessing, the rest is just merely putting one foot in front of the other for me, and letting in a way...what is there manifest itself into what it is. I have yet to fail when trusting in this feeling in my life on that initial assessment, not that it isn't possible. I don't however feel this is something necessarily "special". When I was younger and more inexperienced I always did, I always felt like "oh this is something different and more special than the last time!"...of course I continued to say that every time I met a woman that made me feel that way and the fact that it didn't happen every day meant no more significance to me like it does to others. I didn't count on my hand that I had ran across 1,000 people and this person was just "special", I just merely recognized and noticed when it was there and I was very sure and determined to engage that woman, I couldn't help myself. And that's partly what lead to my infidelity, I didn't have those boundaries or borders, once I just felt something I just thought this was something "worth doing" and didn't want to pass up or "miss out" on this "opportunity". I honestly question at this time in my life the existence of this "true love", because I see so many people claim to have it and what they think it is, it seems to be quite a low standard...and yet on the outside you can determine by the behavior and the relationship that it really doesn't add up, of course it doesn't matter to the person in it and there's nothing you can do or say to prove otherwise, everyone is determined to believe they "found it". And because there are so many that cannot objectively look at what is being "in love" because many will claim to be in it, in the moment, it's almost a sin to believe you are not...I have a hard time assessing the truth from the delusion. With that being said, I have loved many of the women in my life very deeply...some more than others, but I have yet to experience and have the kind of love I've always wanted...even though I have definitely experienced very deep emotions and felt these supernatural like connections, but I blame myself for that as well for nothing coming more from that.
ja123 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 With that being said, I have loved many of the women in my life very deeply...some more than others, but I have yet to experience and have the kind of love I've always wanted...even though I have definitely experienced very deep emotions and felt these supernatural like connections, but I blame myself for that as well for nothing coming more from that. What type of love is it that you always wanted? How is it that you blame yourself?
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 say if it did happen makes sense that it would........if you truly love someone you would stop contact with that person, if you have feelings like you would stray i think it wouldn't be astray to seek counseling before rather than after you stuffed up and destroyed something that was good....honesty is the best policy..e veryone has temptation put in front of them....the bite of the cherry might be too sour too take.....so you just dont eat it....you stay true...far more satisfying..a whole lot less trouble and destruction..deb
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 What type of love is it that you always wanted? How is it that you blame yourself? Something greater than the bullshet...the shet you see on these forums day in and day out about this or that guy, or this and that girl. The "roller-coaster", the "ups and downs", the way you see a robotic like nature out of people that are doing things for themselves even though they are trying to convinces themselves its for their SO too...or being "together". It's selfish, but they can't admit it. A love that isn't about being insecure, or being alone, or being validated and supported but an actual true and genuine emotion of "love" that transcends the normal boundaries and expectations of the mob, the supposed "romantics", when all I see is forced and self-manipulated romanticism...something beyond the simple connection and temporary awing of oh my god..."chemistry and connection" like it's in the end all be all, but some sort of expectation (bob forbid) that reaches into greater depths than just a completely faulty and very human incompleteness. The everlasting void people are trying to fulfill within themselves. When you see the "game" of dating and "love" from the perspective of the big picture and a great understanding of it's devices, the ability to see the strings that attach, the ability to pull them, you have the perception to view it for what it really is. How can something that can be falsely replicated be "real"? You can see what can be replicated and mimicked on a consistent basis. You realize how much the "fake" and superficial can win out, you see the billions of people claiming to be "in love" with this person who's supposed to be the most amazing and perfect person they've ever met....only to years down the road (if they make it that far) end up out of the relationship, FWB or fling, and being out of being "in love" with them, some shoddy excuse or simple explanation is given so you can "jump back on the horse" then you meet someone else who you never thought you'd meet and "magically" and coincidentally you've just met the most "amazing and incredible" person in your life once again! I mean god! what are the chances of that happening?...oh look, actually pretty high according to what people are doing! who'd have thought?! People have this "grand" expectation of love and romance...and yet at the end of the day look what they "settle" for, look what they throw it all away for and how easily..because didn't you know...love is supposed to be "easy", but also at the same time super rare? yet oh, you and billions of other people on the planet just so happened to find it...hell, it's like everyone winning the lotto at the same time! And then when it ends, what do you have to say for yourself and your "love"? That's the problem I have with it...I "hope" there is something more significant to it than that. And we all know how that goes...but hey, I'm just being pessimistic, don't listen to me! Because I have an expectation beyond the "norm". I blame myself in my previous experiences for not being able to give more and open up more, the affects of my issues and fears in my relationships. Because like everybody else here they're afraid to learn the truth or know the truth about something (or many many things), and for me, that's one thing I'm afraid to learn the ultimate truth about, because that's it, that's the end game. I unlike many others, cannot hold myself to my own blind illusions, or turn my face away at the moment where you have to face of real truth. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 When I'm in a happy, loving relationship I do still notice if someone is attractive, and so does my partner, although I tend to notice women more than men, even though I'm not bi It's quite nice because me and my partner tell each other if someone walks by or whatever who we think looks nice/attractive, it's usually me doing it though and saying which women I think are attractive, it's fun seeing if he thinks so too We do often think the same women are attractive. We joke about a waitress he thinks is cute, she is cute, so we like it when she comes to our table, hehe Harmless fun! We joke about threesomes, but he doesn't actually want one, nor do I. I don't really feel a spark as such for anyone else when I'm in a happy r/ship, just fleeting attraction which I don't want or need to act upon because I feel satisfied with my partner, I don't feel anyone is as special as my partner, which is silly I know because there must be lots of people we would connect with in such a way as we do our partner and would act on it if available, I suppose that's the key point though; I don't have strong feelings for anyone else because my focus and feelings, and my heart, are with my partner, no room in my heart to have strong feelings for someone else romantically or sexually. First of all: how often do you fall for other people when your in a relationship? Has this ever happened to someone when they were truly IN love with someone (that you met another person who you felt something for, in spite of the fact you really were in love with your current partner)? I believe that: even when you ARE truly in love, in a big way, there are bound to be others out there who you come into contact with, who you feel that "spark" for. Obviously, there are more than ONE person out there for you, who you "feel" something special towards upon first meeting and chatting to them. It seems inevitable that you will come into contact with other people you have that "spark" with when your in a relationship? Secondly: how often does this happen? How often do you come across others you "feel" that spark with, when your in a loving relationship? .............. I am not asking this from my own personal experience. I personally am in love and feel strongly enough to walk away from a person who I know I would otherwise have potential with if I were single.
Silly_Girl Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I've been mostly in monogamous relationships since 18yo. Twice I've felt a real spark with someone else (other than my partner), and only one of those had the potential to be a love thing, or a genuine match. The other was pure lust. It really doesn't happen often. My attraction starts with my heart/head so it's rare I am attracted to someone other than the person I'm investing in.
melodymatters Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 It's a good question, and something I do ponder. I am the more extroverted one, and I work in a field where I meet many more people. YES, there have been a few people I've gotten to know that I have the intellectual thought " We are obviously attracted to one another and seem to connect easily, IF I WERE SINGLE I might go on a date with XYZ". As a human being I can't control my thoughts, BUT I never, ever, ever even consider acting on it, and if anything that's when I mention the husband MORE, and am more guarded than I would be with the fat, happily married coworker for whom there is no spark. I also am mature enough to realize that a little banter is a far cry from getting to know and live with and love a person warts and all, so I always mentally make a joke to myself like " Yeah, and if you got to know him on a deeper level, he's probably a momma's boy, neat freak, anal sex fiend" or the like. Where I let my mind wander in negative ways, is by wondering if my partner is on the same page. He doesn't get hit on as much, never did, so if he suddenly got the kind of attention I've received over the years would that turn HIS head ? I like to think not, but I also know that if that were to happen, he would not be the sort of person I would want as a friend, let alone a mate, so I would be pissed, and heartbroken of course, but I'd also be thinking " What an azzhole, good luck you GIGS mothertrucker !"
KungFuJoe Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 But, Kungfu Joe - I am not saying anything about ACTING on it - but surely there ARE other people out there that you would undeniably and uncontrollably "feel" something toward, and would therefore fall for if you spent a lot of time together? Aren't there people who, irrespective of their appearance and your sexual attraction towards them; people who just get a "feeling" about? How can you stop that "feeling" that comes along rarely, just because your in a relationship? I would never act on feelings, I would cut contact with a guy who I felt it for. I will give you an example: my good friend is in a very serious relationship. They are very much in love and only have a future planned with each other. Well, she kissed this younger guy (her bf is about 10 yrs older than she is). SHe and the guy had strong chemistry and something there, and instead of cutting contact, she kept hanging out. As soon as the kiss happened, she cut all contact and was totally terrified, and told her bf right away. She DOES love her boyfriend, as much as you can love a person. So...... I dunno about that, that if your totally in love with one person, that you will NOT come into contact with a person that you have a "feeling" about. I know what you're talking about because I've felt it before...with other girls I was seeing or with. I'd be "happy" but I'd meet a girl and develop a sort of infatuation for her. Not a "crush" but just a geniune liking and attraction for them. With my first gf, I met a few girls like that...a few who ended up being friends of mine. It got worse if I felt there was mutual attraction. I was faithful out of obligation...because I knew it was WRONG to cheat...but not because I had no desire to cheat. There is a difference. With my current wife, there is no DESIRE to be with anyone else. To put it simply, in the 10 years we've been married, there simply has not been a single woman who has come in my life that I have felt anything more than friendship for. Even very attractive women. Nothing. I think people cheat and stray because they feel someone else can offer something they can't get from their current partner. It could be something obvious (like if you're in a sexless relationship) or something subliminal (perhaps the way she carries herself or the vibe you get from her)...and I have felt both of these before...but have felt nothing of the sort since being with my wife.
TheGuard13 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I had an infatuation with a married woman while I was married. I quickly realized thatit was less abot that woman, and more about what she represented: What I actually wanted, and what my wife wasn't giving me in our relationship. But crushes and infatuations happen, and loving someone or really loving someone doesn't change that possibility.
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