10 month separation, ex met new girl, still in touch with me - I'm confused!

[AutumnWind]

Hi - any advice on this situation would be really appreciated. I was with my ex-boyfriend for four years, the whole time we were in college and a year after I graduated. We lived together for 2.5 years. We were extremely close and "clicked" on an amazing level, common interests, romance, laughter, all that stuff, but ALSO unfortunately a lot of fighting in the later years, mainly due to my bad emotional reactions to things - creating "high drama" situations which stressed him out a lot and also some issues with his family who didn't like me. He's 22 now and I'm 25. When I had to leave the country (to work abroad) 10 months ago, we were unsure about our relationship due to being stressed out about the fighting, and it seemed he wanted time off and to date other women so he wouldn't feel he'd "missed out" on that since we met so young. I was kind of hurt but it seemed like it was just about sex and messing around, so I said fine, let's take time out and when I get back let's figure out where we're going. Well, we continued to email and call frequently until April (he was still asking me what was going on with "us" till then and I still wasn't sure, and he'd tell me he missed me), then just emails while I was somewhere where calls were too expensive, but we lost touch for about a month this summer.

 

In that time, I evaluated my life seriously and realized that he really meant the world to me (being separated reinforced that for me) and that I wanted this relationship to work but I seriously needed to change my behavior and take responsibility for it. I think I've been very successful with that and we would have a high chance at a great relationship now if we come back to it. BUT, out of the blue, when I got back to the country in August and talked to him on the phone again (we're both starting grad school at the same time, different states) he had changed his tone and said that he was now "sure we could never have that kind of relationship again" because "it stressed him out too much" and that he "hoped to have a warm, loving relationship with someone else which would make him happier" all of which hurt me incredibly to hear. He added that he'd met someone over the summer, who it seems he flirted and hung out with and maybe made out with a few times. Now what's confusing is that A) this girl lives in a different country, he only hung out with her for two weeks this summer, and he can only see her during summer breaks, and he's starting a 3-year grad program so how serious is it likely to be? and B) he claims that he still wants to be friends with me, cares about me, and has said that we're "best friends" and we still email each other very frequently (about once every other day)...

 

So we never really had a period of time off, which makes it hard for me to understand how his feelings could transition in such a "neat" and easy way, while mine are so painful and messy and complicated. Is it possible he still has mixed feelings about me or is this wishful thinking? I am not neglecting building my own life at the same time as keeping in touch with him. But I don't know what tone to maintain with him. He completely backs away from any emotional scenes/crying over the phone (on my part), which only happened about once or twice. Since then I've gone back to being friendly (or even teasing, flirtatious) on email/calls and he seems to respond, though cautiously. At the same time, I know he's in touch with the other girl as well. Now I said I wanted to visit him and he seemed happy and totally ok with the idea so I'll be going there for about 10 days this winter break, which might be a good time to sort things out. Till then, should I just pretend to maintain a friendship and act like I don't have any other feelings, or initiate no contact at all, or what? I'd love to hear what people think about this, it's so hard for me to figure out the mixed signals!

 

P.S. in his most recent email, he seemed more affectionate and signed off with a term of endearment in Spanish (his native language) and it's been a while since he wrote that, it had become all "take care", "bye", and casual stuff like that, but is this a sign of hope? Or should I stop hoping and get a grip and try to forget him?

[Merin]

Well, I don't think it is as "neat" and "clean" for him as you would think it to be for him.......

 

He had the time to seperate himself from the relationship when you were gone...... and endure the uncertainty when you were not sure what you wanted in the relationship.

 

To me it really doesn't matter if things work out with this other girl he met..... maybe it will, maybe it won't.... however what he is saying to you right now is he doesn't want to resume a romantic relationship.....

 

I do think that it's time for you to get out and meet other people....

[AutumnWind]

Hmm.. Well it's not that I'm not going out and meeting new people, I've even been out on a few dates but I realized that was a mistake, I can't do that while I still have feelings for him. I think I just have to make sure that this is 100% over before I can move on and it's hard to do through something impersonal like email. Some people have told me it's best to go there and have a "heart to heart" talk in person so I can know for sure one way or the other because it's hard to let a 4-year relationship go without even that much effort.... So that's what I feel I have to do this winter. It may just prolong the time it takes me to get over him but I can't help it, because if I don't go, it'll haunt me that I never made at least one effort... I just don't know if it's normal to communicate so frequently with an ex without having had a significant break in between, i.e. a period of emotional separation of some sort... Even upto August, he was still telling me I understood him better than anyone else ever has and stuff like that so it just seems kind of sudden to undergo a serious change like that. Do you think it's possible he is not sure about his feelings himself and maybe wants to hang onto two women at the same time? He just told me I looked "really beautiful" in a photo I had emailed him, now I suppose it's possible to tell a friend that, but an ex-girlfriend just a few months after a breakup? It's just making me kind of confused...

[shellen]

I've learnt that they can say all sorts of confusing things but they dun mean much, at least not enough to make them wanna be with you again.

I've been in constant contact w my ex, the longest without a text from him is less than a week.

He makes me v confused even until today, more than a yr since we broke up....

they can tell u they love and want to be with you but u dun see any action done...

so my advice is...just dun pin any hope...