Liminal Moment

[Idyll]

So here goes. I've been lurking on LS for some time now, and I realize I'd like candid advice from the wonderful folks on here.

 

I absolutely adore my MM and cherish every moment shared with him, but I have practically zero hope he'll leave his wife, and it hurts me deeply from time to time to be in a romantic relationship that's "going nowhere." Holidays are tough. No weekends together. I wince when he says "we" and he is talking about his family. You know the drill.

 

I have no other romantic partner and don't want to get out there right now because I need to focus on my career and family matters for the foreseeable future. As a rule, I'm super picky about who I'll be in a relationship with, but I often choose lousily. For sure, I have contributed to my own lonliness and relationship dissatisfaction over the years and this situation is no different. I want to get married and that is just not going to happen with him.

 

Can I accept this A for what it is? A transitional period in my life to just be enjoyed and not over-analyzed. The A makes his life whole so to speak (family life + exciting AP), and I get smoking hot sex with a guy who gives me tons of attention. I told him recently that I didn't think I could handle having sex with him because it was making me want more, but neither of us is doing a good job of just being friends and colleagues. Our conversations always turn wistful. I'm not sure of other's experiences, but all but one of my ex's is now a friend. So I don't want to go NC. That and he has a supervisory position over me at work, and we have to collaborate often.

 

Right now, things could go either way. I could enforce being just friends or I could throw up my hands and give in to my constant raging desire for this man. Even as I write this, I find it hard to believe I will not sleep with him again. The sex is absolutely incredible and extremely emotionally intense. But I am terrified of how entangled and hurt I might get since he's a MM and not a BF or H.

 

My tiny little shimmer of hope is that if I don't sleep with him he'll be forced to think about leaving his wife. Yes, I am that lost in fantasy.

 

please help! We're traveling for business soon and the temptation to be physical will be overwhelming.

[ComingInHot]

Idyll, have you given any thought to the consequences. I mean socially, emotionally, mentally and Career wise?

If you have thought out All scenarios and you can live w/whatever they may be, then the only decision to be made is one you can live with.*

[whichwayisup]

As a rule, I'm super picky about who I'll be in a relationship with, but I often choose lousily.

 

Fix this then. You make bad choices when it comes to men. Change that so you will have a healthy relationship with a man.

 

DO end with your MM. He is not leaving and divorcing his wife. You want to be married, start a family, have a house, build a life with your husband.. You will not ever get that with your MM.

 

Also, fact that it hurts you so much to hear the "we", then you aren't accepting nor will be you able to, the fact he is in this for JUST the affair and he leaves, goes home and lives life with his wife and family. He can separate it, you can't. You love him and don't want to share him, so eventually you'll try to put restrictions on him and he'll tell you stuff that you'll want to hear (aka, we sleep in separate rooms, we never have sex, we never kiss or cuddle) to keep you calm and not ask him questions about his home life.

 

I say as much as it's gonna hurt, end it with him. If you don't, you'll waste many years invested in man who already is married and has a family. You'd be throwing away precious time and your heart, preventing you from finding a great (single) guy who can give you all that you want and need.

[Idyll]

First off, so many thanks to all of you who replied while I took forever to finish this response to CIH!!!!

 

Egads! Consequences! Thank you CIH for grounding me in reality. The consequences could be catastrophic for the both of us.

 

Worst case scenario for me: My career would be dented badly, and I could become very dangerously depressed. Theoretically possible but very unlikely: his wife does something really crazy like try to hurt me physically.

 

Worst case scenario for him: Career reputation damage (but most likely not over). And his wife leaves him/he loses the house he loves. His kids think he's a monster and they get messed up over it. They are older.

 

He loves having an intact family and has fought extremely hard to stay with her through major difficulties before. This is his first A. And my first time as an AP.

 

All of the above could still happen even if I never sleep with him again because he could get caught for his past actions with me. This whole thing started in a lightning fast way. We knew each other, didn't flirt, but both harbored intense feelings and desire. One night he suddenly tells me he loves me. Bam. First kiss to sex in .2 seconds. ?!?!!? What is that?! Obviously, we both knew the risks but just charged ahead with the A like it was the last night of our lives.

 

Now it's been going on a while and I am finding out what it is like to be an OW. Honestly, it's mostly good---for now. I sincerely enjoy my alone time. Weekends are even a bit of a relief from the intensity of it all because he doesn't reach out as much. I realize my cavalier attitude toward infidelity might mean I'm a terrible human being to some BS's out there. Ironically, I was a BS too many years ago. I dumped my husband fairly quickly after realizing he was not going to stop cheating despite his attempt to R with me.

 

In the end, CIH, I have behaved recklessly and selfishly but felt great happiness. In some months, I am going to be transferred to another office so the damage to our careers if we're caught I think would greatly reduced. He will no longer be my supervisor. The potential damage to his intact family, however, would remain. Her leaving him because he got caught is not a win for me. He would be devastated. He would have to be the one to leave, and the chances of that are extremely slim. Ouch. God, this is helpful.

 

Please, how do I find the strength to resist this man? What do I say to him? I have pleaded with him to let me go. We have a full-blown EA and he is trying hard to resume the PA. I love this man, want him badly, and it is so hard to say no.

[Idyll]

whichway: my picker is terribly broken when it comes to men. I am in therapy and working on this. Sometimes I am very single for long stretches of time (years) while I work on myself and understand my last relationship. I eventually get overtaken by lust and start hunting for a partner like men are in season. I have a high libido but don't do ONS or FWB because I need to be deeply emotionally involved when I'm physical with a man. Mr. Right's don't grow on trees. So sometimes I give other types of relationships a shot for a while. Not working out so great for me so far. Ug.

 

MM is brutally honest with me about his W. They have sex. He sleeps next to her at night. They probably do cuddle. I know they spend all weekend peacefully working on their house together. His marriage is not bad now by a long shot. In his own words, he is greedy.

 

You are absolutely right that I will never accept this. Not deep down. I can stuff my occasional pangs of pain somewhere while we're together most of the time. But those casually dropped "we's" do hurt. And you are absolutely right that the A keeps me from finding a great AVAILABLE guy.

 

Pierre: Yep, the A does make the sex hot because I am not helping this guy when he is sick with the flu. I am not nagging him to take out trash. We don't fight over bills. He doesn't see me with my face cream on at night. It's not a real relationship. Bingo.

 

Abysmal self esteem? In some ways yes, in some ways no. I am successful, beautiful, otherwise a kind and generous person, and gifted. But I am also deeply attracted to men who are messed up, because, obviously, I'm messed up.

[whichwayisup]

Have to say, I really like how open and honest you are with us, but most of all, with yourself. Not too many can jump in and see their mistakes so clearly along the way and admit them freely. That takes guts and strength. WHICH my dear, you DO have, so I hope you walk away before this gets out of control.

 

It's lust, it's animalistic sexual attraction, can't get enough of each other and that = DANGER!!

 

As you know, that is addictive!

Please, how do I find the strength to resist this man? What do I say to him? I have pleaded with him to let me go. We have a full-blown EA and he is trying hard to resume the PA. I love this man, want him badly, and it is so hard to say no.

 

Stop spending time with him one on one. Detach, rely on him less. Don't let yourself think of him so much. Sexually or emotionally. See his flaws, focus on them. This guy is far from perfect!! Pretend his penis is a walking STD, puss filled and gross. (LOL) and sorry if that offends anybody, it's meant in jest and humour.. MAKE yourself see that allowing it to go on will do damage to you, even if the sex is hot.

 

He is your drug and you need to quit him. Like cigs, drugs or alcohol. Hour by hour, day by day..Take one step at a time. BUT, you must want to work hard to work through the pain and you also must want to walk away and end this affair completely.

[Idyll]

Pierre:

It absolutely is an addiction. Somehow, I've managed to get as far through life as I have without a substance abuse problem (and I have lived through some serious, epic s***). I smoke cigarettes when I'm super stressed but can go many years in the interim without lighting up. But I am now realizing that "love" can make me do some very odd, self-destructive things.

 

Going 100% NC by quitting my job WOULD essentially be my worst case scenario. Holy financial disaster, Batman, why wouldn't I try to just grit my teeth and keep my legs together until I am transferred?

 

A D-day would be horrific. Agreed. All h*** would break loose.

There must be something I can tell him to get him to stop trying to worm his way back into my well, you know.

 

I've already revealed how uber crazy I am by insisting that if the A persists, I will never be able to not wish he would leave his wife. That I dream of us being married. He knows he won't leave his wife, but it barely made a dent in his pursuit. He's addicted too.

[Feb]

It is just like an addiction.

 

You need to quit and go 100% NC. As long as you work together this will go on until d-day.

 

On d-day you will feel the worst pain of your life and your guy will throw you under the bus. You wil be labeled the company slut and lose your job.

 

It will then take you 2-3 years to get over this.

 

You have a grasp of the consequences of your actions and yet you proceed.

 

Well as harsh as this sounds, Pierre is totally correct. I am so thankful there no DDay for me before xAP withdrew and went NC. He was a co-worker. I have witnessed many other workplace affairs, and trust me, your reputation will never recover. I've watched many OWs ostracized and having to sit at work functions alone in a corner -- not even being called by their name, but "slut", "whore" and all sorts of ugly names. I think I'd rather lose my job than to be treated that way.

 

 

Many others have had to go NC with a co-worker, but it is incredibly difficult. Most likely one of you will start NC, but because you work together, there is forced interaction and the "chemistry" you feel will still exist. One of you will cave to the temptation, and then the other will usually cave unless there was a DDay. At the end of the day there WILL be an end, and it will be very, very, very painful. You cannot just be friends, it just won't work. I would suggest finding a different job, preferably at another company. I not only had to do that, but give up a lot of my friends as my old company because we ran around in close circles. That's the price I had to pay. The fact that you travel with this man is just playing with fire.

 

 

Although you have not been caught I think your other co-workers suspect something already. You may think you are being discreet, but the looks, the lingering conversations, and the subtle body language is stuff people pick up on. NC and/or a different job is the only way the rumors are going to stop.

I look back and I'm pretty sure someone knew something was going on between me and xAP, but it's not like they are going to come out and tell us.

 

 

Idyll, almost every paragraph you wrote is typical of someone who is in the affair fog. I was in the fog 3 weeks ago, so I'm not being critical, I just recognize my former self in your post. You are trying to talk yourself into the fact that this is a transition you will just accept, yet you wince every time he uses the word "we". Do you honestly think this man will leave behind his wife and his kids for you? At least he was honest and didn't give you the "my marriage sucks and I was going to get divorced anyway" line. This is his way of telling you there is ZERO chance he'll leave and go be with you. If DDay happens, he will be so resentful over the loss of his career, family, kids, and reputation, he'll dump you anyway.

 

 

I first came to this forum a year ago and read all the stories. I was in the intense period of my A, and I thought my xAP and I were different. I thought everyones else was being used, but my xAP really loved me and our connection was different than the others on this board. I thought he would never go NC on me, and I thought we could just be friends and co-workers because we had a "real" friendship. I was wrong on all accounts, and if I had listened to the others on this board a year ago, I would be a much happier person today.

[whichwayisup]

A D-day would be horrific. Agreed. All h*** would break loose.

There must be something I can tell him to get him to stop trying to worm his way back into my well, you know.

 

I've already revealed how uber crazy I am by insisting that if the A persists, I will never be able to not wish he would leave his wife. That I dream of us being married. He knows he won't leave his wife, but it barely made a dent in his pursuit. He's addicted too.

 

Then tell him that you're going to call his wife and let her know that you've been having an affair with her husband and you love him, want him for yourself. THAT would be a sure way of ending your A and also he'll walk away so fast!

 

Neither of you have suffered consquences, so why change? People only change when they have to.

 

 

Going 100% NC by quitting my job WOULD essentially be my worst case scenario. Holy financial disaster, Batman, why wouldn't I try to just grit my teeth and keep my legs together until I am transferred?

 

Leaving or transferring is YOUR consquence of having an A with your superior/boss.

[Feb]

 

Worst case scenario for me: My career would be dented badly, and I could become very dangerously depressed. Theoretically possible but very unlikely: his wife does something really crazy like try to hurt me physically.

 

Worst case scenario for him: Career reputation damage (but most likely not over). And his wife leaves him/he loses the house he loves. His kids think he's a monster and they get messed up over it. They are older.

 

I'm not sure what your company is like but at all the companies I've been at, having a relationship with a superior / boss is a fireable offense for both parties. It has nothing to do with the fact that either party is married...it's more that having that relationship with your boss might result in favoritism and a complaint filed by other employees.

[Idyll]

OK, here's my last missive of the evening. I really want to give you folks my sincerest thanks for the non-sugarcoated advice you are giving me. I need the support because the only friend I have that will even tolerate a conversation about this topic comes from a culture where affairs are de rigueur. He doesn't see what the big deal is because where he is from, most people just accept affairs as a necessary evil of long marriages.

 

whichway: your pretending his penis is a walking STD line had me laughing out loud. Thank you. We could all use a little levity. I am grossed out by the fact that he bounces between the two of us. Yuck. His wife would be horrified to know what he is up to after he departs with a kiss from her in the morning... I DO think of that and feel terrible. I don't know her, but I might be the cause of a terrible emotional wound someday. And for what? Because I had a crush on her husband? Despicable.

 

I don't believe in making threats that I would never follow through with, so I won't try to end the A by telling him that I'll tell his wife. I know this logic is shaky, but I remember being a BS, and I have no desire whatsoever for her to ever find out. A gun to my head couldn't get me to tell her anything. He knows this.

 

Feb:

I am totally in a fog. Oh yes. Big time. It's so scary to know you are blinded by totally irrational thinking and be objective enough to still have some clarity. I know what I am doing is very, very foolish, selfish, dangerous, self-destructive, hurtful, etc. etc.

 

On a small number of occasions he has acted recklessly at work with me which has made me very upset. Almost as if he wants to get caught. I am starting to wonder why he would be so self-destructive. The vast majority of the time, however, we are very careful not to come into physical proximity during work hours. Because people absolutely would see the looks and they would know. If we're caught, I don't think we'd be fired. Inappropriate relationships happen. But it would be scandalous and both of our reputations would suffer. He most certainly would never be my supervisor again. I would be reassigned immediately.

 

Thank you for writing about your experience. Isn't it funny that everyone thinks their affair is special at first, and then the horrifying realization that they are basically ALL THE SAME STORY with tragic endings becomes more and more apparent. "Oh, we're different. We're so in love." Bleh. I can hear myself saying that too and I know it is just the chemicals of lust making me nuts.

 

-----------------------

I've gotta remain strong. I've got to keep this guy out of my knickers. I'm not the NC type, but I am the keep it real type. I am going to repeat over and over and over to him: the A is messing with my head. Stop feeding this beast!!! And I have to keep my contact with him at a minimum.

 

You guys really are helping.

[2sunny]

You could ask for that transfer now rather than later.

 

Even an alcohol that's recovering or trying to resist the temptation to drink is advised not to be alone with a drink - much less having it in front of him expecting not to be tempted.

 

ANY contact will be hard to resist feeling connected.

 

Work with your counselor on why you're handing the MM (and this poor choice for yourself) so much of your power.

[ComingInHot]

Idyll,

Have you told your therapist you are engaging in an A?

I nor anyone else can make you end this A. Only you and the MM.

You CAN end it. If you want to...

The woman my H had an A with, got fired then couldn't get a good recommendation for a similar job in the same field.

Her reputation she created followed her for a good four years.

I don't want that for you*

[Idyll]

2sunny: I have been working on a project for nearly six years and it is in its final stages. Transferring now would be a major roadblock in finishing work that means a tremendous amount to me. Plus, if I ask for a transfer early, I might as well wear a big sign that says, "something between us happened." There isn't a reasonable explanation except an A for why I would delay something so critical and so near completion.

 

If anyone says, "you deserve to suffer the consequences of your actions," I don't disagree. But bringing the effects of a D-day upon myself (without an actual d-day) is madness.

 

Temptation is something I think a great deal about. I tell myself:

How bout I run to the store and get that pack of ciggies when I'm feeling stressed?

How bout I eat that pint of ice cream when I'm feeling blue?

How bout I pour myself (more than) a few shots when I'm celebrating?

How bout I scream and yell when I am really fed up with something?

How bout I just give in to MM when I want sex and affection?

Temptation is all around us, everyday, at every moment. The more freedom we have, the more temptation potentially has a hold over us.

 

Does MM have power over me? Absolutely. This guy is higher up in the food chain than me. Him being very upset at me is not good for me professionally, which is one of the reasons I haven't gone NC. Let's face it, NC is harsh and would be extremely emotionally jarring for the both of us.

 

I'm shooting for a gentle death of this A with a transition into friendship. Yes, we'll probably always look at each other and want to bang. Maybe we'll still feel "in love" after a lot of time goes by (or not), but the end of this A doesn't have to be a bomb going off. I've already said that I can't sleep with him because I need to move on romantically. Now I just need to stick to my guns. It helps for me to replay that feeling of hearing him say "we" (him and his W) over and over in my heart. You're not so tempting now, eh, buddy?

 

I can also start giving him unsolicited advice about how to feel happy with what he does have (an intact family). He'll get irritated, but it's not quite the same stab to the heart as repeating "I don't want to be with you" is. Those words make him really freak out. It not that I have much sympathy for him, but I don't want to initiate a meltdown of my career if it can be avoided.

 

For now, the secret is safe. We might escape this thing by the skin of our teeth if we stop now. I can't control his actions, but I sure as h*** CAN start controlling mine. I can, I can, I can, I can. I have to.

[Spark1111]

My H had an affair for over a year, closer to two if you factor in the emotional affair that preceded it, with a co-worker. On DDay, I did go crazy from having been lied to.

 

I want to tell you every secretary and female assistant in their workplace were very well aware of the inappropriateness of the relationship. Women especially have relational radar. What they thought was secret was suspected by many.

 

I threw him out to be with with his soul mate and within three weeks, he was crying at her kitchen table about how much he missed me and wantd to go home.

 

You want this for yourself?

 

My children were devasted, we all went to therapy, and I had to talk my oldest daughter and some friends from marching onto her doorstep. Yes, we learned where she lived, her phone numbers, etc.

 

He transferred to another office. She has since left the company and now works in a totally unrelated field.

 

You want his for yourself?????????????

 

By the way, risking self-destruction by taking risks can be a very clear sign that your MM WANTS to be caught and have some else end the affair.

 

You should do it today. Protect yourself.

[2sunny]

How about not playing those games with him that spare his feelings - the games that are designed to play games with him...?

 

How about just reminding him that you decided your integrity is more important than he is?

 

How about reminding him that he's married and you've decided not to participate on any personal level with any MM moving forward?

[Idyll]

CIH:

I absolutely told my therapist about the A. She saw this thing coming from a mile away. The first day MM and I met, he immediately asked me to have a drink sometime. My hair stood on end, because I knew that meant big trouble. I kept things 100% professional with him for a long time but feelings came over me anyway. Then one day, a sudden "I love you" from him put me over the edge.

 

I don't want to downplay how this situation might potentially impact our careers. I should say that we don't work in a typical big corporation-type setting. Really strange behavior is kind of the norm. Some folks wear three-piece suits, but someone else might wear a biker outfit into work and that would be OK. People are way more interested in work getting done than whether so and so is effing so and so.

 

It is very selfless of you, CIH, to not want me to have my career upended. If someone told me: "you'll get what's coming to you," that is fair.

Believe me, I don't want to be unemployable because of this. I just think it's not as likely (perhaps) as in other fields. The big issue is that someone might think my project was given preferential treatment based on my relationship with MM. And that would take all my hard work and flush it down a toilet. No one would give me credit for the years I have been slaving away at this damn thing. Sometimes I forget this stuff while I'm in the fog. Thank you for helping to remind me of the values I seem to have lost.

 

Spark:

You are absolutely right about his wife. She could go totally justifiably crazy. You never know how someone will react. I don't think my reaction to my exH's cheating was typical. When I was a BS, I directed all of my internal fury into leaving my H. After trying to make our marriage work for quite some time and failing, I just packed up my things and left when D-day came without any fireworks. He ended up stayed with his AP for years and years. I honestly felt sorry for her.

 

MM is acting very bizarre when he takes risks. I don't think he wants the A to end; I think he is just arrogant. He's deluded that he doesn't think he'll get caught.

 

Women do pick up on these things. I sure did. I could smell the lies on my ex.

[2sunny]

It's not his first affair.

[ThatJustHappened]

It's not his first affair.

 

I was about to write this when I saw your post Sunny.

 

OP, he clearly has affair experience. He may even be currently engaging in another affair besides yours. His penis may very well be a walking STD (I hope you're safe!).

 

There is no positive ending to this (and it will end someday).

[Feb]

 

I can also start giving him unsolicited advice about how to feel happy with what he does have (an intact family). He'll get irritated, but it's not quite the same stab to the heart as repeating "I don't want to be with you" is. Those words make him really freak out. It not that I have much sympathy for him, but I don't want to initiate a meltdown of my career if it can be avoided

.

 

DON'T start giving him the unsolicited advice on his family. If NC is impossible, then your interaction with him needs to remain strictly on work related issues. Talking about personal things (whether good or bad) is what got you into this mess in the first place. The conversation doesn't necessarily have to be hostile or a bomb going off, but future conversations need to stick to work related things only. Even the friendly, "How was your weekend?" is off the table.

[Idyll]

2sunny:

You have me thinking about how I am game-playing. I'm definitely an over-thinker that strategizes as much as I breathe.

 

I used to be extremely proud of my integrity. It meant a lot to me. This situation has made me wonder what is going on with me that I would torpedo my own values so thoroughly. I never in a million years would have imagined that I, a former BS, would get involved with a MM. Yes, I do remind him that I cannot be with someone committed to someone else. And things die down for a while. Eventually he tries again. He's like an ocean wave coming in and out.

 

I cannot ever say for sure if it is his first A or not, but there is something that rings true to me when he tells me that. He's a brilliant man but is just totally ignorant when it comes to the mechanics of keeping a secret. I am disgusted that I have "advised" him a number of times on how to be more discreet. I could be more graphic but let's just say this guy does not always even shower before he goes home. Seriously?! Coming home late stinking like booze, ciggies (he doesn't smoke), and another woman is not exactly subtle...

 

Feb:

EXCELLENT advice about avoiding personal topics. You are dead right. I should not be talking with him about his home life, his weekend, his favorite color. I remember thinking to myself at one point, "this guy is building emotional intimacy with me that belongs with one person and one person only: his wife."

Yeah, it is stupid for me to play the game of marriage counselor. I should talk about work and nothing but work.

 

----

thank God for this support.

[Idyll]

Pierre:

Bring on the harshness. I need it. True support is unvarnished, a la "you DO look stuffed into that dress, honey. One size up for you!" And then of course a hug is helpful while pieces of heart, strewn everywhere, are gathered up from the floor.

 

DOES it mean I have no self-esteem if I want to have sex with someone that won't have a real relationship with me? Or just that I'm a selfish pig while I continue to look for Mr. Right? I am totally a concubine, but I am also using him. The whole thing in based in lustful needs being met. I'll scratch your itch, you scratch mine. Yuck, writing this I am not proud of myself. We use the excuse of "love," but this is really about lust. If I really loved him, I would have stayed away from him. And if he really loved me, he would have stayed away from me.

 

Running out of options? Not exactly. Men throw themselves at me. I get every type of offer. Just sex, dating and a real relationship, old flames that are still feeling "in love" feelings. Plenty of proposals over the years. I am a very beautiful woman. But I'm not interested in the vast majority of men. Most men bore me to tears. I told you guys I am absolutely in the driver's seat of my own lonliness and dissatisfaction. I very rarely feel a romantic connection with the men I meet. Something is definitely very, very wrong with me.

 

As to the mechanics of keeping things a secret: he has an un-itemized phone bill. When he is home, we don't communicate. I have no desire to meet his wife and get involved with his children as an OW. If/when s*** hits the fan, she will be hurt immeasurably. Even more so if we've met. I'm the classic nightmare of the hot co-worker.

 

This is a bit of an aside, but my exH remarried. He told me that his 2nd wife wants to meet me. What on earth for, I wonder? I would not want to know that my H's first W is a gorgeous, successful woman. I told the exH to focus on his life with her, and that it was out of the question for us all to get together. Sheesh!

 

My MM a pro? Nah, he's a fool. Reckless, selfish fool.

[ComingInHot]

Idyll,

What does your therapist say about you sleeping w/a MM & supervisor?

 

Has she given you specific steps to take to end things? Or is this not something that has been broached as you haven't asked?

 

Honestly, I don't know if I'm completely selfless, but thanks.

I have experienced the pain and betrayal when an A comes to light and it left many in pieces. I don't wish that for anyone.

 

From what you write, you sound strong, determined & a little neurotic (who isn't)*.

The emotions in an A situation seem to be felt to the nth degree. This may be why you find yourself salivating at any challenge presented in this A.?.?

 

If you want a "real" challenge using every facet of your intelligence & creativity, challenge yourself to reset the boundaries between MM & you to only professional.

This would be your greatest achievement & possibly be the beginning of a whole new & Healthy future for you!*

[Idyll]

I gotta hand it to you, CIH, I really find your words helpful. I do like to give myself goals to achieve. And setting the goal of having a strictly-professional relationship with MM is something I can wrap my head around.

 

My therapist thinks that I am taking a huge risk in having the A and supports the idea of ending it ASAP. Her concern is me, so she reminds me often of the consequences that could result from being with MM. She knows my upbringing and has also seen me go through a lot, so she understands that many of my issues arose from my experiences at the hands of others.

 

But I got myself into this mess with my actions and I CAN get myself out.

 

kristi:

It's unbelievably gross that he could leave home with traces of sex from his W and then be with me. I am super disgusted by that thought. Actually, it is the complete compartmentalization of having two separate sexual/emotional worlds that can apparently be flipped like a switch for him that I find truly horrifying. But I know people do it. I think he would be delighted if he could be a polygamist.

 

Pierre:

I am all over the place. In my mind, I go back and forth, back and forth on this whole thing quite a bit.

 

About sex: I do have a high libido but have lived years of my life with extraordinary restraint in that department because I know I have issues with men. Why start a sexual/emotional relationship with someone when I know I am not picking good partners? So I have opted for celibacy. I really wish I could adopt the FWB lifestyle, but I get too emotional.

 

Is it attention I want or the sex? Well, I actually like to be alone a lot. I crave it. Sometimes MM deluges me with so much attention, I feel like he would follow me into a ladies' restroom if he could. I've dumped single guys who gave me attention like this because I couldn't breathe. I have been with MM in spite of the amount of attention he gives me. I think on a continuum, I would fall far over on the happy loner side of things. I relish the quiet moments when I have no one around myself. I just don't like being alone 100% of the time.

 

And sex? Well, I enjoy it. A lot. I am pretty much horny all the time. It can be annoying because it draws my attention away from the other things necessary to function in this world. I easily could have sex twice a day everyday and have had that frequency with long-term partners before. MM and I have sex for hours at a session and again a few hours later...and again (you get the idea). We don't have the opportunity to express ourselves physically very often, so there's a lot of pent up energy.

 

At this point, you guys can see that I am one clucked up individual. My therapist has her work cut out for her. It's sad that here it's not relevant to go into the other areas of my life, but I am a very thoughtful, considerate person. This A is really my first foray into the world of extreme selfishness.

 

Anyhoo---I'll keep you guys posted on how things go, but I don't want this situation to take up more of my time than it should. I could be exercising, working hard, spending time with friends, etc. instead of mulling over MM. He needs to be less important to me.

 

Thank you all again for the advice and support. This situation is tough, but I've lived through far worse.

Edited May 5, 2013 by Idyll

[2sunny]

What exactly do YOU plan to DO to shut it completely down?

 

 

If you don't know - it will continue.