the Other Woman and diagnosed depression

[lynn1954]

I'm wondering how many OW were officially diagnosed with depression before, during or after the A.

 

Not just a generic "I felt so depressed". I'm talking about you consulted a doctor, you received an official diagnosis of depression, and you either took anti-depressant medication or it was suggested for you to take meds even if you didn't.

 

I was officially diagnosed with depression while I was still married. I believe that my depression contributed to my marriage failure and divorce. Later, I believe that my depression contributed to my making a bad choice to have a relationship with a married man.

 

I have an un-proven theory that for many OW the depression happened first, leading her to seek relief through an A.

 

For an OW who was not depressed before the A, I think the stress and self-judgment during and after an A often leads to depression.

 

I'm not saying that depression is always a factor in As, but I'm curious about your experience, and how often clinical depression is a factor.

 

Remember, I'm discussing depression diagnosed and confirmed by a doctor.

[Praying4Peace]

No depression before the A or during the A. After the A...I feel depressed but its not clinical depression.

[Sarabi]

I went to see my GP before and told him what I felt was wrong(crying stupidly, sleeping at silly hours or for too long, feeling guilty about stuff, feeling hopeless/worthless). This was about two/three years ago maybe. He gave me pills for a week then I had to go back. I put off going back to him but finally went back to get the next prescription...and never picked it up

I didn't want to. I felt so ashamed asking for that medicine that I had never suffered anything terrible in my life(starvation, homelessness, etc.) and yet I felt that way...

 

Before my A...literally just before it. A friend insisted I should see a doctor and get anti-depressants because it would help with things greatly. I was already clutching at straws with some other rubbish guy who she disapproved of.

She said she knew how it was very difficult to seek help when you need it but that it was time (she herself is on some).

She also mentioned that some of the wreckless decision making and not caring about what was happening in life was a symptom of depression...

 

Deep down those feelings still haven't gone away but of course I didn't go to the doctor. I still feel ashamed/scared to ask...

 

...then I made a very wreckless decision to not care about geting into a relationship with someone very unavailable and attached

I'm a silly girl!

[SweetBella1]

Yes I believe depression can definitely be a contributor to decision making that leads to affairs.

 

I have struggled with depression my whole life and was clinically diagnosed 20 years ago. I manage to stay highly functional and most people would have no clue that I have any such issue.

 

I endured some personal crises over the past 5 years and believe I had some sort of quiet breakdown just before my 40th bday in January. My affair began in January and I don't believe the timing was coincidental. In hindsight, my xMM was a distraction, a diversion from my reality which had become hard to accept. Unfortunately, when the A ends, the problems are still there, except now they're compounded by the fact that I just had a shameful A and am heartbroken to boot.

 

So yes, I believe depression can often be linked to affairs.

[spice4life]

Yes I believe depression can definitely be a contributor to decision making that leads to affairs.

 

I have struggled with depression my whole life and was clinically diagnosed 20 years ago. I manage to stay highly functional and most people would have no clue that I have any such issue.

 

I endured some personal crises over the past 5 years and believe I had some sort of quiet breakdown just before my 40th bday in January. My affair began in January and I don't believe the timing was coincidental. In hindsight, my xMM was a distraction, a diversion from my reality which had become hard to accept. Unfortunately, when the A ends, the problems are still there, except now they're compounded by the fact that I just had a shameful A and am heartbroken to boot.

 

So yes, I believe depression can often be linked to affairs.

 

Awww. (((Hugs))) SweetBella. Sorry you're hurting right now.

[HonestNeurotic]

MAJOR depression issues. Diagnosed in the early 90's. Tons of therapy. Tons of different anti depressants that just never seemed to make any difference whatsoever. I have a weird metabolism. Heck, I can't even get "high" from things most people can. I've TRIED. Everything except for heroin and any speed kinda drugs as I am already too hyper. I guess that's a good thing, I won't become a drug addict. Though if I am ever in pain, it is excruciating as nothing at all works to deaden it.

 

Not suicidal, but I don't fear death. I don't engage in things that would hasten that - but I'm very apathetic about it all. Gave up on pharmaceuticals as being any kind of answer and just got very deep down real with myself and it's okay now. I make myself "suit up and show up" even when I don't feel like it and I get through it. Winters are the worst and I am working FURIOUSLY towards moving to Easter Island. I'm just not a good fit here, and that's okay.

 

Very few people know this about me. In fact, they often tell me how they admire how I just seem to "have it all together". HAH! My closest friends know and they're helpful.

 

That said - I find it curious that I have the "feelings" that I do currently with my affair. It is like a drug, but better, because it WORKS. Yes, this winter was particularly long here in Ill and Annoy, and my time with MM helped immensely. But I know that it's just a bit of relief, not a cure. It's just all rather odd to me, as I've not had this, this, courtly love thing ever in my life and I'm a baby boomer. I should know this stuff by now.

[affairaddict]

I have had it on and off all my life. Started I think when my mum died at 21 but maybe had it before. I had an episode this year when I quit smoking and was in a period of NC in the affair. I've had it ending relationships too . At the moment I Am free of depression and feel ok in myself and I am ten days NC. My head is clear I am not crying, I do feel very very tired though like the affair literally exhausted me

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

Using depression is an excuse or rationalization. The first step in recovery is to take responsibility. Whether or not you were diagnosed before the A as being depressed doesn't give anyone a free pass. The fact you're bothered that you acted out of character by trying to say it's due to depression shows you realize that having an affair is not right and you're sorry at some level that you hurt someone. But own that and take responsibility for it. People screw up. But they admit that and then don't do it again.

[cocorico]

 

I was officially diagnosed with depression while I was still married. I believe that my depression contributed to my marriage failure and divorce.

 

My fMM was diagnosed with clinical depression during his failed reconciliation, before the A. I believe it was directly implicated in his decision to engage in the A, as part of a desperate bid to reconnect with life.

[affairaddict]

Don't think some posters know much about depression..

Don't think anyone was using it as an excuse either

[Got it]

No I have never been diagnosed with depression though I know I would have been while in college. It was situational depression. But not during the affair, or before or after it.

[Silly_Girl]

The break-up, at the same time as serious stress levels at work, left me medically depressed. I was off sick and later quit. The recovery was several months.

 

I never EVER want to feel like that again. The prospect of death felt like a release. My son's existence was all I felt I had, and was he reason I couldn't die, because he isn't allowed to even visit his dad's house, much less live with him. I couldn't imagine my son going in to care. That's how it felt. That's how my mind worked at the time.

 

I have put a lot of effort in to my recovery since. I take very good care of myself and stay alert for the signs, seeing as I have now had depression a total of 4 times between 18 and 36.

[amaysngrace]

I see how depression could lead to an affair and how being in one could make the depression worse.

 

Definitely.