May-December romance complicated by vows of celibacy

[Inlovelovelove]

I am currently "friends" with a much older man, I am a female in my mid-twenties and he is thirty years older. There is a strong mutual attraction, we both fell in love almost immediately. I've never clicked as well with anyone else, personality-wise. We are both very spiritual, carefree with open hearts, usually always smiling and laughing. But the situation is complicated by the fact that he had previously sworn a vow of celibacy and is regarded by our religious community as celibate, which he was for more than twenty years before he met me. We do not have a sexual relationship but we've held hands and kissed and this is a violation of those vows.

 

I'm not so concerned about the celibacy part because, as he tells me, that's up to him to decide as these vows are not sworn to a higher power but to oneself, but I am concerned about how people would perceive our relationship and thus perceive him as he is very well-respected in our community. Also my parents disapprove and I'm concerned about the dishonesty and secrecy and also about the long-term potential for me and this man. He himself says he doesn't care about what others in our community think of him but he is concerned about my parents' disapproval as he greatly respects them and is concerned about my happiness.

 

I usually date men my own age but after meeting this man and spending time with him, we just fell in love. Even though I am aware of his age, it just wasn't a concern at first because our personalities are so compatible.

 

I've tried to date other men closer to my age, even after I met this older man, but so far it seems like these men have a lot of issues so our relationships tend to turn into this dynamic of me taking care of them, or cheering them up. I am a very happy person with a strong spiritual foundation so when other people have issues I tend to try to help them out, but I don't want a romantic relationship with this dynamic -- I've had many like this before and it eventually becomes wearing.

 

Me and this older man have decided to stay friends because we are both aware of the issues that are keeping us apart, but the more time I spend with him, and the more that I date around -- the more that I realize just how truly special our relationship is. As a spiritual person, I wonder if I should be content with what I have and not go looking for someone else? I've also realized that I don't even need to be in a relationship as I am fairly happy on my own, I guess I've just been socialized to think that I need one which is why I'm still looking for someone younger, but I'm starting to question this more and more.

 

As both me and this older man are very spiritual, we both recognize that these feelings are impermanent and what may seem fun and exciting now might become less fun and more difficult with all the secrecy and dishonesty that will come from us having to hide our true feelings. This man has a good kind heart and perhaps this is why it's so hard for me to let him go, even when he is telling me that it is okay to. Most of the men my age are not very spiritually-inclined so we tend not to have much in common as my spiritual-practice is the main focus of my life.

 

I don't know what it is that I'm asking, or if I'm even asking anything at all. Any opinions, advice, and reactions would be helpful although I'm not sure that they would change how I feel.

 

I know that everything in life is impermanent. Sometimes I worry about our future but right now I am happy just to have some stolen time in the present with this man. A nice day at the beach, holding hands, a soft kiss. These are the things that make me happy, and I know that happiness comes hand-in-hand with pain and that one day we will have to separate. I know this and I accept it. But right now it's nice just to sit with him, the sun on our faces, watching the waves lapping back and forth.

[Inlovelovelove]

Both of your should move and and take your vows seriously. If you continue to break those vows how can you go to heaven? It is not something you can do based on feelings. If you're the spiritual person you say you are it's just wrong.

However if you decide keeping the vows is not a concern for you you should continue.

 

My understanding is only married people can have sex according to your vows.

 

Thanks for your advice but just to clarify I have never sworn any vows of celibacy.

 

I believe that the Divine is present in everything and everyone including ourselves and that there is no higher power that exists separate from our own nature, thus there is no higher power that I answer to other than my own conscience, and he to his.

 

Morally we are both fine with our relationship. In our religion the only higher power that we have to answer to is ourselves.

 

I appreciate your opinion but will respectfully point out that personal attacks are not necessary and that you can't shame me into not loving this man by telling me that it is wrong. I am very spiritual even though my morals may not be the same as yours.

 

Also our spiritual goals are much more complicated than just worrying about whether or not we will get into heaven. The vows that he swore were designed to engender compassion towards all sentient beings, I feel like the love between us does not detract from this noble calling in fact I feel that love in itself is putting these ideals into practice.

 

Sorry, I was intentionally vague about what religion we are a part of to protect our identities so that may have been confusing, but in our religion sex is not restricted to marriage and if you had read my post more clearly, you'd know that we are not having a sexual relationship.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond though. I appreciate it.