Curlyj Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 So after I told my fiance, and he had some time to think, we talked about it. He had all sorts of questions that I answered truthfully. He told me he is willing to try and move past this and work on our relationship. That's great...but why I am i still so unsure? I DO want to make things work, but it just seems so hopeless right now. I am still stuck on OM. Even though that ended, I still find myself wanting him. It really is like a drug! As cliche as that sounds, it really really is. I am addicted to this man. Like, before i told my fiance, and i was dealing with the ending of the affair, id find myself talking to OM at work...just little mundane stuff, but it would immediately calm me. Just those brief little conversations. I am really struggling to deal with any of this. I dont feel like i can give my fiance 100% of myself until i can finally rid my feelings for OM. I truly hate this. I brought it all on myself, i know.
So happy together Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 You cannot reconnect with your fiance after breaking up with OM. This is worse than starting a new relationship the day after breaking up with a BF you love. Life does not work that way. This is what you need to do: 1. Why did you have an affair if you had a fiance? 2. I assume the OM met a special need you had. This need was uncovered by your BF. 3. Tell your BF what is this need you have. 4. You will no reconnect with BF until OM is out of your system. I agree with this. I think you need time. That doesn't mean give him up, but you've both got some healing to do, so slow down a little, take some breaths.
Author Curlyj Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I agree with this. I think you need time. That doesn't mean give him up, but you've both got some healing to do, so slow down a little, take some breaths. I agree with it all too. I am not ready to jump into anything yet. I mentioned this to my fiance, and he seemed even more hurt. He really wants to work on it. I just dont want to keep hurting him....but i know deep down that until i am over my affair, i just wont be in a good position to work on it. If only we could forget people easily, huh? BTW, I do not plan on contacting my xOM anymore. We do work together, but we can fairly easily avoid eachother there. We dont directly work with one another.
Author Curlyj Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 You cannot reconnect with your fiance after breaking up with OM. This is worse than starting a new relationship the day after breaking up with a BF you love. Life does not work that way. This is what you need to do: 1. Why did you have an affair if you had a fiance? 2. I assume the OM met a special need you had. This need was uncovered by your BF. 3. Tell your BF what is this need you have. 4. You will no reconnect with BF until OM is out of your system. I don't even know how to answer to this. I can really pinpoint a reason on why I started an affair. We were friends and one thing led to another and neither one of us were smart enough, or strong enough to stop it. We got in way too deep, way too fast. Did he meet some special need I had? Yeah, i guess. But i dont know *what* that was. I guess just to feel loved, needed?
Praying4Peace Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 First focus on loving yourself and being comfortable alone without either of them. When you get to that point you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with your fiancé. Before that, you'll just get frustrated because he won't 'fulfill' that need you have that only exAP could fill... It's not fair to him. Maybe ask him for a break...some distance? Or scheduled dating time? He'll just get frustrated if he does everything right AND is forgiving you and you don't reciprocate 100%. On the other hand, you could fake it till you make it. Guys are pretty good at this it seems!
Author Curlyj Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 First focus on loving yourself and being comfortable alone without either of them. When you get to that point you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with your fiancé. Before that, you'll just get frustrated because he won't 'fulfill' that need you have that only exAP could fill... It's not fair to him. Maybe ask him for a break...some distance? Or scheduled dating time? He'll just get frustrated if he does everything right AND is forgiving you and you don't reciprocate 100%. On the other hand, you could fake it till you make it. Guys are pretty good at this it seems! We have two kids and a house, and its a bit more difficult to just give eachother space. I am thinking of going to stay with my mom for a bit though....havent mentioned that to him yet. After the kids are in bed we will be talking some more. I do feel I need time for me...to heal..to get my head back on straight. Sometimes being an adult is just plain crappy. Ha!
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 So after I told my fiance, and he had some time to think, we talked about it. He had all sorts of questions that I answered truthfully. He told me he is willing to try and move past this and work on our relationship. That's great...but why I am i still so unsure? I DO want to make things work, but it just seems so hopeless right now. I am still stuck on OM. Even though that ended, I still find myself wanting him. It really is like a drug! As cliche as that sounds, it really really is. I am addicted to this man. Like, before i told my fiance, and i was dealing with the ending of the affair, id find myself talking to OM at work...just little mundane stuff, but it would immediately calm me. Just those brief little conversations. I am really struggling to deal with any of this. I dont feel like i can give my fiance 100% of myself until i can finally rid my feelings for OM. I truly hate this. I brought it all on myself, i know. I think you need to be completely honest with your fiancee and tell him exactly what you've said here. Yes it's going to hurt him but it's better he knows how you feel and why rather than just jump in and fix your R with him. My suggestion, work on you first. grieve the loss of exOM.Go to marriage (pre marriage) counseling with your fiancee and as well as on your own. Bring this up, your A and the grieving and all that you feel. Your R will not work and there's no point in even trying to reconnect with him until you let go and detach on all levels with your exOM. You work with him? Quit your job. No way will your relationship have a chance if you see this guy daily.
Author Curlyj Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Loving your fiance, BF, or spouse will not prevent an affair. Love only prevents an affair if you are within the early romantic period of a relationship. That only last 2-3 years. After that the relationship becomes calm and relaxed. During this relaxed calm period of the relationship one can fall for another person if one has no boundaries. Others fall for whomever meet a specific emotional need. In other words, you can have an affair with a co-worker if you work too close and spend a lot of time together. Many feel that if you truly love your spouse it is impossible to have an affair. This is incorrect, affairs happen all the time when members of the opposite sex spend a lot of time together. You may never reconnect with your fiance. Furthermore, he is acting like a doormat and this is probably not very attractive to you. I don't think he acting like a doormat at all. He has given me many reasons as to why he wants to try and R. He is an extemely strong person. He made it clear that what I did is not ok, and he is far from "getting over it" but he does want to try. I gotta say, I respect him a hell of a lot more for that. On a side note...made it the day at work with NC from OM. Small victory
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