My Bf just broke up with me...I still don't know really know why and what do I do now

[winter-solstice]

I met this guy online, we went on a date and then some more. Eventually we decided we really liked each other and said we'd only be together. It was official. I'm 22 and he's 27 and he knew that but it made no difference, we got on great.

 

We were so happy! Dinner dates, he was planning the future like holidays, cinema, travelling....I even went flat viewing with him since he's decided to buy his own place. We played tennis, went running together....it was awesome.

 

We were together 4 months. Recently he started to go in "moods" and just ignore me and if I was at his he'd make me feel like he didn't want me there. One day he asked for space. I gave it to him but I was confused because the same night he said we'd book a table for dinner the next day blah blah it was normal. Then he just wanted space over the weekend. Then on the monday, he invited me over to his and he said he was stressed with work, flat hunting was going well and he's not used to being in a relationship since his first one was for 5. 1/2 years and that ended when he was 23 i think. I was his second gf. I said he should have just talked to me and I'd have understood and given him the space he needed. Said it was nothing to do with me and I didn;t do anything. Then he was fine, back to normal.

 

Oh note he had a tendency to go into "moods" suddenly. Just shut me off, ignore me etc. Happened about 4-5 times.

 

Saw his this week at his, then met him on his lunch break on tuesday was fine...then last ngiht went over to his and it was again fine but then he just ignored me again! Then said he just wanted to chill....which is fine but he just acted like i wasn't there, I sat with my laptop and did my own thing...then he said "ahh went in a mood again, i'm a moody bastard" as a joke then he was like come here...we hugged etc and it was fine then 10 minutes later...he changed!

 

Was so uncomfortable...to be with someone you really like and then they can make you feel so ****...he said " do you mind if we call it a night" and we did but he said it as if he wanted me to leave but then he said stay since it was past midnight...I eventually left at 1am..i had to get out of there!

 

got home...received a text. "I think it's best we go our separate ways" and apparently he broke up with me because he "doesn;t trust me" "this I did/said". I had no indication the last few months that some things i said might have offended him etc...if he talked to me i would have thought ****...i;m being stupid shut up...but it was so out of the blue!! He said his trust was paper thin, we can't fix it....I said i've been cheated on and wouldn't dream of doing that to someone...he said " i don't believe you...it's easy to say stuff like that"....i haven't cheated on him or anything!! Like i've done NOTHING....I liked him so much, I wanted to be with him! he met my parents...my friends new about him...i opened up to him...i spend almost every weekend with him! I don't go our partying cause of work and everyone i work with is 50+.... told him i like him, i cared about him...i was open with him about how i felt..

 

Just so confused!! How can someone say you;re a keeper, says he likes that i'm quirky and different... plans holidays in the up coming weeks then that same evening break up with you....I just want some help! Just to understand...he said we can't work through this. It's one thing you can;t work through.

 

someone just give it to me straight. Where do you think I went wrong? I can accept if i ****ed up but he didn't explain what i did...how can i get over this...cause right now...I'm still in shock and I miss him and how he makes me laugh....

[Downtown]

WS, it sounds like you just dodged a bullet. You seem to be describing the classic behaviors of a man who greatly fears abandonment and engulfment. If so, during the courtship period, his infatuation over you convinces him that you are safe and are the perfect woman, his soul mate. Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates (3 to 6 months later), his twin fears return and you will start triggering his anger and his inability to trust.

 

If he is like that, you are still at risk because he likely will return at some time in the future. If he does and you take him back, everything will repeat itself. As before, as soon as his infatuation wanes, his fears will return and he will push you away again. Incidentally, the reason he can become angry so quickly is that you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. It likely has been there since early childhood. This means that you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is always there, deep inside.

[2sunny]

Life would suck being with someone that unpredictable and moody!

[stillafool]

If he calls and wants to see you don't you dare go! It's time for you to stand up for yourself and not let him walk on you. You are not his yo-yo. He probably isn't over his ex and needs therapy to move on. It's best you let this one go.

[winter-solstice]

when he asked for space over a weekend ( cause we usually spent weekends together) I gave it to him and said if you've decided you don't want to be in this relationship anymore or your feelings have changed, just tell me. But he said it had nothing to do with us...clearly it did? I gave him a way out, he could have taken it. But he went back, apologised...was great...again planning, affectionate..laughing...happy then boom.

 

He wasn't this unpredictable the first 3 months....I went away for two weeks, we kept in contact and when i came back he was happy to see me and said he was looking forward to seeing me again..then from there he just kinda started to have these "moods". He said apparently i lost his trust through things I said/did do. Like where did that all come from!? If it was i just don't like you as much or i can't do this anymore the fine but ... flipping heck.

 

I want him. He's amazing...but am I just lying to myself...

[Downtown]

He said "ahh went in a mood again, i'm a moody bastard" ...and it was fine then 10 minutes later...he changed!

WS, not having met the guy, I certainly cannot tell you what is wrong with him. What I can say, however, is that there are only a few common causes for such extreme mood changes. One possibility is drug abuse but, if that were happening, you likely would have known about it. Another possibility is a brain tumor or brain injury -- but those are rare. A third possibility is a recent strong change in hormones, as would occur in puberty or during mid-life for a man -- neither of which likely apply to your 27 year old guy.

 

If you can rule those causes out, the two remaining common causes of strong moodiness are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, because bipolar arises from gradual changes in body chemistry, it typically takes two weeks for the mood to change and then will take another couple of weeks before it disappears. Moreover, the mood swings do not happen very often (4 such changes in a year are considered to be "rapid cycling").

 

In contrast, you are describing mood changes that occur in ten minutes and happen several times a day. While this is possible with bipolar, it is very rare. With BPD, however, such rapid mood changes are not only common but typical. Indeed, because BPD mood changes are "event triggered," they usually can be triggered in ten seconds.

 

Another difference between bipolar and BPD is that, whereas bipolar sufferers usually can trust, BPDers typically are incapable of trusting anyone for an extended period. They therefore exhibit the irrational jealousy and lack of trust you are describing for your exBF.

He wasn't this unpredictable the first 3 months.

If he has strong traits of BPD or another personality disorder, you likely would not see any signs of moodiness or unpredictability for 3 to 6 months at the beginning. As I mentioned earlier, his infatuation over you would hold his fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay.

I want him. He's amazing.

Being "amazing" does not rule out BPD. A lot of BPDers are exactly that, including my exW. Indeed, the world's two most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had BPD, if their biographers are to be believed.

 

Hence, if your exBF ever returns, I strongly recommend you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that you read about BPD traits so you know what red flags to look for. An easy place to start reading -- if you want to see if any of the warning signs sound familiar -- is my description at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/274951-first-heartbreak#post3361912.

Edited May 5, 2013 by Downtown

[winter-solstice]

Wow. thank you so much for your help! what you describe makes so much sense!! I feel a little less "what did i do wrong".

 

And it's true! You feel amazing and all I want/wanted to do was fix the problem so it could be perfect again. My ex before this guy suffered with depression he was worse than this so I didn't even pick up on it or think I'd get in a relationship with someone who had another set of issues.

 

It's such a shame he doesn't even realise what he's doing and why he should stop almost "blaming me" for the break up. He's a great guy but clearly he has issues. I think his ex cheated on him and he gave her a second chance and it just ended that's why he's just shutting this relationship down. He doesn't want to get hurt even thought I've done nothing to show otherwise...he's just picked up on small things i might have said and blew them up because of his insecurities and fear....

 

*sigh* maybe no I understand i can move one...but it doesn't make it any easier...

 

hopefully I'll find someone WITHOUT major issues like this or depression..That relationship ruined me and i've just built myself back up so having this happen just threw me down a bit. Just sat wondering...why can't I just have a happy relationship! No cheaters, no control freaks...maybe it's something in me that attracts them! hah I need to be stronger.

[Downtown]

It's such a shame he doesn't even realise what he's doing and why he should stop almost "blaming me" for the break up.

If he has strong BPD traits, his subconscous mind protects his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It does this by projecting hurtful thoughts, fears, and feelings onto his partner (i.e., YOU). Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, his conscious mind is firmly convinced that those feelings and doubts are coming from YOU.

 

Two weeks later, when his intense feelings change, his subconscious may be viewing you in a way that is 180 degrees differently. But his conscious mind will quickly flip, believing that new distorted view to be the absolute truth. Hence, if he is a BPDer, it doesn't matter much WHAT he thinks about you today. It will change in a few weeks, if not a few days, because BPDers are emotionally unstable.

 

I think his ex cheated on him and he gave her a second chance and it just ended that's why he's just shutting this relationship down.

Perhaps so. If he is a BPDer, however, his inability to trust goes all the way back to early childhood, not his last GF. His next GF therefore is likely to be told about the TWO women who betrayed him. And, in a few years, he will be complaining about having dated THREE unfaithful women.

 

Why can't I just have a happy relationship! No cheaters, no control freaks...maybe it's something in me that attracts them!

Maybe. Most likely, however, the problem is not that you are attracting them but, rather, that you are seeking them out. If you are an excessive caregiver like me, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the person you already are).

 

If so, you will find yourself walking right past all of the emotionally available men (BORING) until you find a man who desperately needs you. This will be evident because he will strongly project vulnerability, which is "catnip" to those of us who mistake "being needed" for "being loved." Indeed, we can spot emotional vulnerability across a room at a crowded party.

[winter-solstice]

he told me his parents are divorced so I don't know if the way he is now stems from that situation. I don't know. Who knows. All I can do is let him go and wish him the best.

 

You're so right! I'm a really caring person and I just always want to help people or fix problems. I like being needed...but i mistake that for being loved. I don't think any of my ex's have "taken care of me" really....now i think about it. I've always been almost like a therapist or something...

 

How can I avoid falling into my own trap?? What are emotionally ready men like? I don't want to go down this path again....I'm emotionally drained. I want to be wanted and needed but because someone will like me, for me and not because I'll get them through their hard times...

[Downtown]

How can I avoid falling into my own trap?? What are emotionally ready men like? I don't want to go down this path again.

Your asking the wrong person. I'm just like you, perhaps much worse. I'm attracted to the emotionally unstable people because, with them, you get fire works and adoration right out of the gate. And you get to feel like a savior who has ridden in on a white horse. But sadly, that all starts to vanish as soon as they make it through the infatuation period, at which point they will start devaluing you instead of adoring you. That's the way it is with unstable people -- they will flip between splitting you black and splitting you white.

 

Like you, I grew up to become "the fixer," usually walking toward the very people who others were running away from. Of course, our problem is not that we want to help people. Rather, it is that we keep on helping even when it is to our great detriment to do so. And we have difficulty feeling we are loved if the person doesn't also desperately need us.

 

My suggestion is to read Codependent No More, a book that provides specific ways to build stronger personal boundaries to protect yourself. I also suggest you follow the link I provided above and read more about BPD traits so you are able to spot the warning signs. Importantly, you will NOT be able to diagnose it. Only professionals can do that. But simply spotting the red flags is not difficult if you know what symptoms to look for.

 

Finally, I suggest you be willing "to settle" for relationships with stable men -- i.e., relationships that will start off much slower and usually without the fireworks and adoration. With stable folks, you have to give them time to build a relationship.

[siankat]

he told me his parents are divorced so I don't know if the way he is now stems from that situation. I don't know. Who knows. All I can do is let him go and wish him the best.

 

You're so right! I'm a really caring person and I just always want to help people or fix problems. I like being needed...but i mistake that for being loved. I don't think any of my ex's have "taken care of me" really....now i think about it. I've always been almost like a therapist or something...

 

How can I avoid falling into my own trap?? What are emotionally ready men like? I don't want to go down this path again....I'm emotionally drained. I want to be wanted and needed but because someone will like me, for me and not because I'll get them through their hard times...

 

Interesting what you wrote about being like a therapist or something...

 

Two things really come to mind about your situation and this is from observing people and my experience...

 

1) is that you should NOT be anyone's therapist. it can be very tempting to do if you have a lot of ideas to help a person (natural as you care about them). I have seen people in relationships with depressive people and the partners who truly handle it best are the ones who don't indulge too much in the depressive person's thoughts etc but are just a constant strength felt beside them. So, being in a relationship but not getting involved too deeply in 'fixing' their partner. Recognise triggers, manifestations of whatever the behaviour is, accept it's gonna be there, don't focus on it, and don't let it bring you down. Harder for some people to deal with than others. Depends on you as well. You are equally important in a relationship and should not suffer to appease anyone elses behaviour. It can be a fine line in yourself and only one you can know. If you can't do that, find someone without any kind of serious mental issues. Which leads me to the second thing....

 

Take your time!! Longer than 4 months...make it a round 6 months before you make up your mind about any guy. This way you can avoid pain..if its going to end in that time anyway...or..you make a conscious decision to continue indefinitely. The time frame can be yours but can you identify when you decided that yes...you saw yourself with him indefinitely? And approaching it this way does not make it any less authentic. You are just looking out for yourself.

 

Also, it was nothing you likely did. He won't change. Don't look at his past relationship as to why it lasted. It's unlikely you lack anything...more likely someone put up with his moods for a looong time

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Somebody should at least mention the far more probable scenario in which he met someone more convenient and nearer to him and his life, and his seeming mental shortcomings were more probably a product of his other options.