Is there any hope for a hear to heart conversation with my ex?

[Justme2001]

Sorry this may be a little long here:

 

Oh boy, where do I start here. Well I was with my gf for 8 years until she recently found out I was seeing someone else, while still seeing her. I love my girlfriend to death, but over the course of the relationship there were quite a few moments where she would get upset and sort of shut down, and it would ruin days, and weekends (we wouldn't see each other because of it sometimes).

 

So after we had this argument one weekend I went out with a friend and we met a couple of girls. My friend exchanged numbers with one girl, while I just said by to the girl I spoke too. That weekend neither me of my gf budged, so neither one of us initiated contact with each other. So my friend told me we should go out as a group, and while I was hoping my gf would contact me so we could be together, that never happened so I decided I was not gonna ruin my weekend, and went out with the other girl as a group, well needless to say me and the other girl really hit it off, but even after that "group date", I still didn't ask for her number.

 

Eventually after about 4-5 days of not talking to my gf, I gave in and contacted her. My gf's emotions have pretty much dictated our relationship. If she is happy we are happy, if she is upset, then we are not good...it's that simple.

 

Me and my gf talked about getting counseling, but she did not want to see me until that happened. I told her you can't keep breaking up with me and dangling me on a string all the time, just because you get upset so easily. I told her I was going to go out with someone, because it want fair...she said I should, and so it was then that I proceeded to get the other girls number....and I set up a date.

 

Over the course of about a month I saw the other girl 5 times, while seeing my gf only twice. I wanted to see my gf, but she wasn't having it unless we found a therapist. I think I should mentioned that our biggest issue was that my gf DUI not like my brothers gf and though she was rude. I didn't share this same opinion of her, and sort of defended her when my gf would attack her character(not to her face, just to me). I really just didn't want any problems between the two of them, especially over what I deemed to be petty things.

 

So back to the story, the day before my gf and I went to our second therapy session, I saw the other girl. Her and her friend came over my place along with my friend, and we hung out. She ended up sleeping over(no sex was involved), she was just tired and her friend and my friend were still downstairs until late still talking, etc.

 

So the next day, my gf and I had our second session, and it went very well. We also had a great day just in general, it was really really good. The following day my gf found something in my email sent box on my iPad. I sent a picture of the other girls contact info because I deleted her number from my phone since I was hopeful me and my gf were going to get back on the right track. I was already canceling a potential date with the other in the hopes of this. Well my gf decided to call the number in my iPad, and the girl told her everything!

Needless to say my gf was pissed, and couldn't believe they had been in the same bed like that on consecutive nights.

My gf thinks I'm a liar and a cheater. I did lie about how many times I saw the other girl, I told her it was only once. I said this because I didn't want her to think I was moving on, I wasn't. I was the one that wanted to be with my gf the whole time, but she was the one who many times didn't want to see me. At one of the counseling sessions she even said if I don't do this, this, and that, then she doesn't want to be with me. So the reason I even had to entertain seeing the other girl in the first place is because my gf was ready to leave me, over what I thought was such a small deal. And it really made me feel bad, and scared that I was gonna lose the thing I love most in the world. So I thought having a backup plan might ease that pain.

 

Well needless to say my gf won't respond to emails, she blocked my number. I really just wanna have a heart to heart talk with her, and if its not meant to be we can go our separate ways. But I can't even talk to her as she has told my sister she never wants to talk or see me again. And given her strong emotions, and her inability to not focus on the bigger picture, I'm thinking she might actually follow through with this. But on my end it doesn't feel like I have any real closure, and the truth is I still want to be with her. But I really just want the opportunity to talk with her. Any suggestions on what I can do would be welcome.

 

Oh I also recently sent her a little poem of what I thought love is, in the context of our relationship. I even put two pics on it, one of her when she was a kid and one of me when I was a kid. But still no response from her.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[TaraMaiden]

I lost interest half way through....

 

if I'm with someone, a date with someone else ever even figures.

 

you can give all the excuses/reasons you want - if you are committed to a relationship, no matter what the situation, you stay on a one-to-one basis.

These dates with this other girl muddied the waters.

 

Frankly, even if it didn't get sexual (yet the cards were marked....I think, without discovery, you'd have got there....)

 

She's dumped you.

Hate to say it, but your ship has sailed.

 

I'm of the opinion you deserved it.

[Justme2001]

Well that's kind of the reason I'm asking. If I only saw my so called gf twice over the course of a month, and she even said I could go out with someone else since she was keeping me on a string, isn't it fair to say we weren't really together? Or am I just making excuses? Because I really only wanted my gf, but all these silky breakups over dumb things was making me insecure she was gonna love me anyways!

[TaraMaiden]

Schytt this is so phukked up....

 

What girl in her right mind tells her BF to go out with other girls - then dumps him because he did?

 

What BF, told by his GF to go out with other girls - actually does, EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T WANT TO....?!?

 

How old are you both??

because what we have here is a serious failure to communicate.....

[Justme2001]

Lol....Tara you are so on point. It is messed up. It's actually embarrassing considering our ages too. But it is what it is, and unfortunately as you said failure to communicate. Which was going to be the focus of my conversation if I ever go to speak to her again. And I didn't want to go out with someone else, but when she said I should, it made me feel like she was possibly thinking of not wanting to be together anymore. I guess the two sessions of therapy really made her feel like we were 100% good again. I felt good about the sessions too, but unfortunately I never got to end it with the other girl on my own terms, which is what I was already planning to do.

[TaraMaiden]

Well if she chooses to be tight-lipped and non-communicative - then I suggest you follow suit.

Closure is only something you can give yourself.... however much you talk to her, she won't give it to you - After all, Communication is not a strong point in this relationship, is it?

 

Three main essentials underpin a relationship and form the supporting structure to keeping it healthy:

 

Trust,

Communication

Respect.

 

It's a tripod - and if you know anything about tripods, damage one of those 'legs' and the other two - no matter how strong - cannot support the relationship.

 

Go No Contact, and stay No Contact.(See my signature/link)

 

She may contact you in future, because very often when someone who's making efforts to get in touch, goes quiet, the other 'party' then gets curious....

 

How you handle it then, is up to you.

 

Please note however:

NC is not designed to entice an ex into engaging with you again.

That's not its essence. But sometimes it has that side-effect.

 

Good luck - keep us posted.

 

And remember that little 'tripod' gem.

If not in this relationship, then in the next, it will prove to be an invaluable aide....

[Justme2001]

Thanks again Tara. I just read the NC link. I went NC for the first three weeks after the breakup, knowing that she was so upset that she wouldn't hear a word I was saying. I did however send her two copies of the book the 5 love languages and told her it was a good book, and that she should also give a copy to someone she cares about. After that I sent her quite a few emails. She hasn't responded to any of them. I felt like I had to let her no I still care, otherwise she might think I moved on with the other girl, etc. and I really do care and want her back deep down. This past week I mailed her a letter....sort of a poem of what I thought lovers in the context of our relationship, and I put two pictures of when we were kids at the end of the letter. But after this I plan on doing the NC thing again, as I am out of bullets and if she doesn't respond what else can I do? I have no idea what the next step will be, or if I plan on contacting her in the future. I guess if its meant to be, then love will find a way. That's all I have for now...thanks again Tara