triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I have been dating this girl for a year and a half now. I fell madly in love with her as so did she. We always had a great time together and just love being around each other. We became very close and open/comfortable with each other. The problem is we have been fighting a lot recently. I do not handle her going out so well with her friends. I understand every now and then is perfectly normal but I am just not okay with the Vegas trips and the club/bar scene her friends always go to. They tend to flirt and give off that vibe even though they are all taken. The girl I am seeing swears to me that she never once went out looking for other guys or anything like that. We have just fought so much over it recently that it really hurt her and I. I want to compromise on it some how and make it work. She says I am the only thing she is certain of in the future. We were going to break up but instead decided to take a break. So she can figure out how to handle everything and to see if we are good for each other. We set a time frame of 2 weeks with NC and then we will see each other after that. She swears she has no intentions of meeting anyone else. That is not what she wants out of this. She wants space to figure it out if we will work together and are ready in the same place for a happy relationship. What do you guys think about all of that? I am going crazy I know what I want and that is her. Thanks,
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Don't expect anything to be resolved or clearer in 2 weeks. When people want a 'break' it invariably means it's a 'break-UP'. She can't change who she is, in 2 weeks, just to keep you happy. You want different things. And she probably sees your behaviour as inhibiting and controlling. You guys are relatively young - right? To be perfectly honest with you, she's having itchy feet. What do you do with your buddies when she goes off on trips with her friends? And she sounds like she wants to have a whole lot of fun.... Why don't you ever go with her? (probably because she might feel you'd cramp her style, or 'inhibit' her.... right?) It's becoming a mis-match. And it's not going to get better, because she's either got to conform to the type of behaviour you find acceptable - which will make her resent you - or you will have to suck it up and let her live - which will make you resent her. Your lines are diverging. It's time to cut loose. I think.
Author triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 We are both 24. I do go with her. Often and she really enjoys it. She rather have me there on many occasions. I just got a little jealous and controlling feeling that some environments weren't not okay for a relationship. I am willing to meet halfway if she is. I wouldn't resent her. If anything this break has made me realize how much I truly care and how I am willing to make it work. I know not everything will change but all I want in the 2 weeks is for us to realize how much we want it to work and go from there.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 We are both 24. I do go with her. Often and she really enjoys it. She rather have me there on many occasions. I just got a little jealous and controlling feeling that some environments weren't not okay for a relationship. I am willing to meet halfway if she is. I wouldn't resent her. If anything this break has made me realize how much I truly care and how I am willing to make it work. I know not everything will change but all I want in the 2 weeks is for us to realize how much we want it to work and go from there. Hmmm...it's sadly a common theme at the moment that it's guys who are more heavily invested in relationships at your age, than ladies are. This forum is distressingly littered with broken hearted guys whose GF's wanted space..... YOU are willing to make it work. Don't speak for her, however.....Because I have a feeling she will still be fence-sitting..... In any case, compromise doesn't mean "I will do whatever it takes/she wants to keep her happy, even at the cost of anything I might want." Avoid doormat behaviour. I guarantee it, that will sound the death-knell and simply prolong your agony..... 1
Author triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Well 3 days before the break she was all about making it work and compromising so I kind of went on the aggressive with the compromise and she backed off of it. Then I tried to do a normal compromise she said it was too late that she needed space to get over being upset and to look at everything without the relationship clouding the judgement
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Aaargh!! There it is - The Fatal Phrase.....! "Needed space"......!
Author triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Even if she said right after that I am the only one she is certain of in her life (that their isn't anyone else and she is not interested in that) and she just thinks this will be good for us to do this and come back together and talk about what we learned etc etc.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 OMG, it gets worse..... Sweetheart, let me try to break this to you gently - She's saying exactly what every other GF said to her ex - just before she dumped him. Look - How long have I been here? How many posts? Check me out. Check my responses. Then understand that I am being as realistic and honest with you as I can. Quit protesting/getting your hopes up. Please understand - I'm replying this way because this is (unfortunately) precisely what the other guys on here have been through. Almost exactly.....
Author triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Okay well then I will just see what happens in 2 weeks and prepare for the worst
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 "Hope for the best - prepare for the worst". Please believe me when I tell you, I really, really hope she proves me wrong..... Really. I do. Good luck.
USMCHokie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Okay well then I will just see what happens in 2 weeks and prepare for the worst Make sure she gets tested before you all start having sex again... 1
Jbum5 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Listen here, boy. You're whole dilemma stems from the fact that you are insecure and idealistic. Think about it: you feel uncomfortable with the idea that your partner goes to an event or environment that is stereotypically for singles, flirts, players, and buffoons-alike. Your insecurities make you conjure up scenarios in your mind that make you insecure - for example, if you are not at the club with your girl you fear that she will flirt with a moron. Or even if another guy flirts with her you will feel a twinge of jealousy. Let's be realistic here: many people who enter into a relationship develop a sense of possessiveness for their partner. So they are dependent (emotionally, physically, etc.) which is a factor that drives them to be possessive. Admit it, the fact is you would likely get jealous if another guy just so much as checks your partner out in front of you while you are out with her. And what would infuriate you more is if she happens to look in that guy's direction. The solution is this: you appreciate the fact that she's with you. You leverage that appreciation by bearing confidence in the fact that other women will find you attractive as well (even if you may not have noticed). Then, without resorting to becoming a cocky bozo, you find comfort in that if your partner decides to cheat on you you have other options anyway. That's not to say stop caring, that's just to say don't worry because you are both young.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Make sure she gets tested before you all start having sex again... (And you thought I was a pessimist.....? )
Chi townD Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 What the hell can you learn about yourself in 2 weeks? Sorry dude, but couples that are in love and are in it for the long haul don't take breaks from each other. They work out their problems TOGETHER because they're in this TOGETHER. What she's doing is like trying on a new hat. Being single and seeing if it fits her well. And don't believe a word that she tells you right now. Because, right now, you never thought she would EVER kick you to the curb....but, she did. And she's hanging around and partying with her girlfriends which was probably an influence to her to curb you in the first place. Yep! sorry. But, I wouldn't hold your breath for a positive outcome, 3
USMCHokie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (And you thought I was a pessimist.....? ) Well I mean, come on...the two likely scenarios for anyone to request "taking a break" are (1) she's already completely checked out of the relationship and just wants to soften the blow with a multistage transition to a breakup because she's too much of a chickensh*t to just end things right then and there, or (2) she's got her eye on some strange and wants to see if he's better than what she already has without feeling guilty about cheating. Either way, one can never be too careful when it comes to STDs... 3
Author triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Thank you for all the responses besides the STD comment. I did not think that was too funny. I am emotionally torn on this one. I just don't know what to expect. I believe we can make it work and I know how much she loves me. I have seen it. I just pray in 2 weeks time she misses me enough to want to work through all of this together.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Please remember: Loving you, is not the same as being IN love with you.
Author triptop Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I hate to sound naïve but I do know that she is "in" love with me and what we share. We were just fighting so much and we upset each other a lot recently. I am starting to realize my whole part in this as well. I used to think it was mainly her but now I am seeing the error of my ways as well.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 If she were 'in' love with you, she would have worked at it, not wanted space. Seriously, I know I keep pouring cold water on things.... I'm perversely hoping that the more dismal I make it seem, the greater the pleasure will be if I'm proven incorrect....
shadow15 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) I wish I could give you hopeful advice, but I have to agree with everyone else here just because my ex did the same crap to me. That dreaded 2 week period is the worst because your constantly fighting and she acts like she doesn't even wanna speak to you or feels like it is a chore to do so. I got the same bs, I need space, and not even a week later we broke up. Just prepare yourself man is all I can say, don't be a a little bi*** either if she decides to break up with you. I did and I just let her leave without me saying a word about how I felt, and I regretted it cause she deserved to know. Now there is no point cause then you come off as the psycho ex who can't move on. So be man if she tries to pull anything. Best of luck bud, I know it's rough. I'm finally content since 8 months into my break up of our 2 year relationship, literally 2 years too she broke up with me the day after our 2 year annivarsay and she didn't even wanna see me the day of our anniversary lol. It's hard to believe somebody you invest so much of you life into and you became so much of theirs could just forget you so easily. It's something else. I actually think Tara helped me when my situation was going on, so definitely take what she says into consideration; she knows what she is talking about. Btw thank you if I never told you so lol. Edited May 4, 2013 by shadow15 1
ViciousCycle Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I have to wholeheartedly agree with TaraMaiden. There's a trend on these boards of 20 something men in your exact situation. I was there a month and a half ago. It's not likely to get better from here. The best thing you can do is cut ties and focus on yourself. Do not beg. Do not plead. Do not try to fix things. It sounds counter intuitive, and you're going to want to do the opposite. If she wants space, give it to her. You need the space now as well. You need to it grow as an individual and reflect on what was your relationship.
USMCHokie Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Thank you for all the responses besides the STD comment. I did not think that was too funny. I am emotionally torn on this one. I just don't know what to expect. I believe we can make it work and I know how much she loves me. I have seen it. I just pray in 2 weeks time she misses me enough to want to work through all of this together. Well, in all seriousness, the only way it will work is if you are fully accepting of the possibility that she banged 14 new dudes for two weeks and came running back because she misses you. If that doesn't bother you, then taking a break might have been a fine idea.
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