KPChick000 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Couldn't sleep well... still hurting... social media is evil. Thought I'd finally share my story. I know answers won't come easy, but hoping that writing it out will be therapeutic. Maybe some of you who have gone through something similar can shed some light. Here goes: My bf of 3 years (let's call him B) and I broke up in January because we both questioned whether we were in love with each other. To explain this break-up, I have to rewind a few years back to my previous relationship (let's call him A). A was my first love, and we were together for 3.5 years. We thought we were going to marry each other. I had/have no doubt that I was in love with him and he was in love with me. We had a storybook romance, where we fell hard and FAST. It was passionate and intense from the get-go. A was very expressive and vocal about his feelings for me, and I was the same. Long story short, A and I eventually didn't work out. We remained "friends" (with benefits, ugh) for 2 years after the break-up. Still harboring some feelings for A, I knew it was only a matter of time before he would move on and I would be hurt. So, I finally implemented NC after 2 years of back and forth (tip to all: NC works). After 2 years of the "single life"/random dating, I met my current ex, B. B and I started out as friends. We both experienced a rough heartbreak, so we shared a connection. From the beginning, I could tell we had undeniable chemistry. We became really good friends, even though I knew he had a crush on me. After talking and hanging out more, I developed feelings for him too, but I knew we wouldn't be able to pursue more because I was about to move away. Alas, our feelings grew too strong, and we eventually hooked up right before I had to move. I didn't want a LDR, but he encouraged me to not give up on us. I felt what we had was special, so I decided to try LDR. B and I had a good relationship despite living 3 hours away from each other. We were each other's best friend, and I fully enjoyed and always craved his company. We spent wonderful weekends together every 2-3 weeks. We went on vacations together, we met each other's family, etc. BUT, due to my previous break-up with A, I was very slow with my feelings. I didn't want to risk getting hurt again, so I was very cautious and didn't throw myself in it right away. But I kinda sensed he was falling in love with me, and everytime I even THOUGHT that maybe he was close to saying "I love you", I freaked and tried to ruin the moment. There was one time 3 months into the relationship where he texted me "I love you" while out with his buds. I was totally not ready for this and dismissed it by telling him oh you were drunk, don't say things you don't mean, etc. Looking back now, I think he might have meant it. That set the tone for the rest of our 3 year relationship. I know this is going to come across as dysfunctional, but over the 3 years, we never said "I love you" in a serious way to each other in person. On my side, I think I was very emotionally guarded...maybe I had/have a phobia of falling in love. Plus, honestly, I didn't (and still don't) know if my feelings for him were/are true love. I have only been in one other serious relationship (with A), and I KNEW I was in love during it. People say, you're just supposed to know. I think the confusion with B stems from the fact that we started off as friends, then we started dating and built a strong companionship over time, whereas with A, I fell FAST and it smacked me in the face. The two relationships progressed totally differently. I don't believe that what B and I had was JUST platonic and nothing more. There were definitely feelings there. But, with A, it was passionate, and the "I can't live without you" kind of love. With B, I knew I liked him, I wanted to be with him, I had the warm fuzzies around him, but it was never intense. It was gradual and comfortable. I sometimes saw myself marrying him but sometimes didn't (but more for superficial reasons). Are there just different types of love? On his side, I don't really know why he didn't say it. I think maybe I never seemed receptive, so he pulled away to protect himself and eventually the honeymoon phase where one would typically gets the "urge" to say it passed. Maybe pride got in the way. This confusion led me to break up with B last year. I regretted it shortly afterward because it wasn't like I felt nothing. I asked for him back and we got back together. I knew I hurt him and tried to make amends by trying to be more emotionally open, but I still wasn't sure. The three words still eluded us. We couldn't move forward. Which led to this January, where we broke up...mutually... ...until he told me he was starting to see someone else in March. It devastated me and I am still hurting to this day. Does it mean that I love him? Or is it because I don't want anybody else to have him? Maybe both. 3 years is a long time. I know it is a red flag that we didn't take the jump over the 3 years. But I also think it means something that SOMETHING kept us in it for 3 years. Comfort? Maybe. Love? Maybe. What kills me is that maybe what we had was REAL. And we threw it all away because we BOTH couldn't step up. I am still willing to fight for whatever it is, but it's too late. I told this to him the last time we saw each other over a month ago. I even took the leap and said "I love you". He told me we tried for 3 years and it didn't work. It's time to let it go. But in person I still felt something between us. But he's now trying with someone else. Someone local too. And younger who probably doesn't have the "baggage" that I think I carry. I keep envisioning that they will fall in love easily and get married. I have this constant internal struggle. If I loved him, then I realized too late, which is the worst feeling. If I didn't love him, why am I so sad? And why is it so hard to move on? Today marks 30 days NC.
LoveB86 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I wonder if your sad because you miss him and your LTR with B? or are you sad because B is with someone else and that is making it hard to move on? I did the same thing, because of my previous BU with ex A, I went to ex B with caution because I was scared to get hurt. In the end, I got dumped by B. Lesson learned! Keep the past in the past.
Author KPChick000 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Yeah, friends say I'll know how to better deal with my feelings in my next relationship. But, I can't even imagine myself being in another relationship right now. Will I always compare feelings from different relationships?
LoveB86 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I always have... and everytime I compare, I hold myself back one way or another. Since my recent BU, I am going to give my next relationship its 100% and if I get my heartbroken, atleast I can say I never held back due to past experiences. I wish I never told him to take things slowly, maybe if I would of jumped into our relationship fast, he might of still been with me till this day. I don't know, am just reading too into it. I'm sorry KPChick000 of what you are going thru. I am feeling the same way. End result is they are not with us anymore. Closure would of been nice for me to learn from the mistakes, but he was a coward and a heartless jerk. I just have to hold on to my respect and self dignity and try to never look back at this.
Author KPChick000 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks for the comment Love. I am just struggling with self-loathing right now. I feel like I pushed him away by taking too long or not realizing what I felt at the time. Even though I know it takes two to make a relationship work, I really see myself as the one to blame. I see myself as the one who could have made it work. How do I get past the regret? I don't know.
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