Trust The Process?

[ThumbingMyWay]

Sorry to start a new thread…but its what I felt I needed to do. For some of my story, go here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47761

 

TRUST THE PROCESS.

 

That is what our MC is telling my wife and I during this time of recovery. The problem is during this process of recovery, both my wife and I have to get to the root our IDIVIDUAL problems FIRST, before we can tackle OUR relationship. I fear what will become of our individual discovery and that it may not be conducive for our marriage.

 

This is proving harder than I thought. During my last meeting with MC, she encouraged me to dig deep inside myself to find the source of my insecurity. After I left I had a revelation and wrote down a 4 page detailed chronological list of events that have happen to me in my life that I feel contribute to my lifelong insecurity. It basically boils down to a not knowing how to express true spiritual love, a fear of not being sexually pleasing and a fear of being dumped for another man.

 

In this list/letter, I wrote down some things about how my wife and I became to be a couple. It was love at first sight for me, albeit age 17, I knew she was the one. I let her read this letter. And, unfortunately, in this letter I stated that SHE did not have the same feeling when we met. And from talking with her, I come to find out that she always jumped into things prior to thinking them out. I now know she feels that she has some regrets that she did not do some things during her life like: live on her own, play the field, go to college, discover herself. Find her true self. She didn’t come right out and say it, but I feel she has regrets that I may not be the man for her for the rest of our lives, simply because she doesn’t know nor ever found out what else is out there. These thoughts have been with her for quite some time…..then during our MC sessions, her thoughts faded, casue we both agreed to take efforts to make this work. BUT, after reading the letter, she said these thoughts have come back fullforce….and she and I are scared of what the final outcome may be. BUT we have to TRUST the PROCESS.

 

She has had these thoughts and feelings for about a year now. Ever since she lost weight, she now feels and looks sexy on the outside AND the inside. She has had thoughts of “Is my husband the one?”. I know this because she told me…..as hard as she knew it would be for me to hear, we have agreed to be totally open and honest with our feelings.

 

During our talk after she read the letter, I felt a lot of unsure ness from her. Lots of second guessing if this marriage and HER individual feelings are worth the effort. She feels angry that I have not been totally open with my love and that after 17 years, she has a feeling that she don’t know the true me. She feels like that we met at such a young age and did we ever really truly show our deepest love from our soul. She said she is still quite young, and just doesn’t know where these thoughts are going to take her. She basically said, that she is still young enough to find out. And that scares the living crap out of me. I told her, that I have so much love locked up inside me, that I want to tap into it and share it with her. But she seems standoffish. Like she is unsure she wants this after 17 years of being together, I feel like she thinks we never had it to begin with and we are just finding this out now that we are diving inside our deepest internal thoughts and feelings. Really feeling the feelings that were always there, but unknown to us, because it was in our sub conscience for so long…and now there on the table.

 

To put it in numbers sense. I told her that I have a 90% feeling that this will all work out and a 10% doubt that in the end she will leave me. She on the other hand also has a 90% feeling that it will work out, BUT a 10% feeling that is telling her to LEAVE. She also said that if she wanted to truly leave and explore these inner feelings, she would have done so a year ago when they came into her mind, or she would have left the day she told me of the event described in my other thread. But she decided to stay and make it work. But after reading this letter, this 10% doubt on her part, is part of her re-evaluating her decision to stay. Meaning she has not truly thought it through yet even though she thought she did.

 

Another problem we are both struggling with is that we have 2 children. And neither of us want them growing up in a divorced household. The hardhship this puts on a child can have lifelong issues. BUT on the other hand, she knows she cannot be married with children and also be haunted by thoughts of leaving. Kinda bitter sweet, save the marriage for the kids, but live with heartache of “what could have been”.

 

The MC has always said to trust the process. We cannot control the outcome, but we can strive to do the right thing. My wife knows what the right thing is and so do I. But she is back to struggling with the leaving part. And I am very worried of what the outcome will be….which may well be an end to our marriage.

 

So I decided today that if the final outcome is divorce, then I have to accept it. Because I cannot control how she feels and as much as I want to save and keep this marriage, I can’t make her decision.

 

She meets with MC tonight and I asked her to bring the letter to discuss it and also for the MC to have preread it before I meet with her next week to discuss it with me.

 

I have to cure this insecurity, casue she has already said last night, that she cannot live like this, knowing that I feel this way. It WILL push her away.

 

We BOTH do love each other and I think she really wants to make this workand I know i do. It just that she is unsure. And we cannot hide from our feelings and we both know that.

 

I hope and pray for the best, but only time will tell.

[Moose]

Don't give up so quick. Hang in there. I truly believe you have a chance. I got your message in your other thread. I'm here for you whenever you need me. You need to go to your profile and turn your PM on so I can holler at you. Mine is but it was full at the time you tried to reach me.

 

Thumb, you need to believe that you're good enough if not more than good enough, for your wife. I know that you're going through counceling, and that's wonderful. But by reading this post, it sounds like to me that you're ready to throw in the towel.

 

Please don't. And talk to me....ok?

 

Moose

[ThumbingMyWay]

Moose, thanks for the words.....it did kinda come off that way didnt it. NO I am not ready to quit....I want to do the right thing.

 

BUT....my insecurity is stronger than I thought....and I am scared

 

So after talking with my wife after she got back from the MC...I do feel a little better

 

But just like she said, I am the one that has to deal with it.....SHE cannot put a bandaid on me anymore. She needs to wrok on her and I need to work on me. And when we are done...we will work on eachother, and only then will we find the outcome.

 

But how do I beat my insecurity of losing her when we dont know the final outcome?....Becasue of my insecurity I cant stop thinking that the outcome will be worst case....even though my wife says she dont want that...but in the same sentence says, we just dont know....uuurgggghhh!!!...and my insecurity leads my mind to the worst...

 

she has also said, what if she gets thru this and sees what she has in me and she stays.....BUT I'm the one that discovers something inside me and I want to move on?......the thing she means is we just dont know...and she is right...I;m just having trouble understanding this concept....

 

I need to beat this.....

 

 

 

Moose when I need someting, I will pm......

[Moose]

I'd be scared too. And I was when I was going through this.

 

She's right when she says that you need to fix this. But that's no reason why she shouldn't support, love, and help you. Ultimatley.....your recovery requires her involvement. The only thing that will relieve your insecurities, is your wife removing all doubt from you mind.

 

I know that in your time of counceling, and with being open with each other, that thoughts of exploring outside the union of marriage arose. This, I think, is what is causing most of your insecurity. Somehow, you need to get those thoughts out of your head. If you two are following what God intends marriage to be, then you'd understand that these thoughts are poison. The idea of exploring outside of your marriage should become the plague that you two avoid at all costs.

 

Have faith that God knows what your outcome is going to be. He promised us that if we follow and obey Him, He'll make sure that we have our peace. And doesn't peace mean happiness, and comfort, that your wife isn't going anywhere? Doesn't it mean that these thoughts you're having will disappear and never haunt you again? Increase in your faith, and He'll do this for you!!

 

Don't think about tomorrow, because tomorrow will work itself out whether you think about it or not.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Moose

I'd be scared too. And I was when I was going through this.

 

She's right when she says that you need to fix this. But that's no reason why she shouldn't support, love, and help you. Ultimatley.....your recovery requires her involvement. The only thing that will relieve your insecurities, is your wife removing all doubt from you mind.

 

I know that in your time of counceling, and with being open with each other, that thoughts of exploring outside the union of marriage arose. This, I think, is what is causing most of your insecurity. Somehow, you need to get those thoughts out of your head. If you two are following what God intends marriage to be, then you'd understand that these thoughts are poison. The idea of exploring outside of your marriage should become the plague that you two avoid at all costs.

 

Have faith that God knows what your outcome is going to be. He promised us that if we follow and obey Him, He'll make sure that we have our peace. And doesn't peace mean happiness, and comfort, that your wife isn't going anywhere? Doesn't it mean that these thoughts you're having will disappear and never haunt you again? Increase in your faith, and He'll do this for you!!

 

Don't think about tomorrow, because tomorrow will work itself out whether you think about it or not.

 

 

Everything you said is exactly what my MC and wife are saying....and your post is reinforcing the concept, THANK YOU, I needed that from an outside source......but I just dont get it YET....but I have faith that soon I will.

 

 

Yesterday, I said to myself about 100 times...."trust the process and HE will show me the way"....then it hit me....just have trust and in the end I will be happy regardless of the outcome....again...I'm just struggling with this concept now...but hope and pray it will take seed and make be a better person on the inside.

 

And wow..."Dont Think about tomorrow, because tomorrow will work itself out". Thats exactly what my wife said last night. I cannot fix tomorrow, I have to fix today and today only. That is the mind set I need to find.....and I will try.

 

As far as her being part of my recovery, tis true, but what the MC also said is that I need to deeply feel this insecurity to get to the root of it...(and my wife said the same thing)....find it...deal with it and let it leave my spirit. Then and only then will I be in a better place....

 

THANK YOU...this board is an amazing help for me....

[jmargel]

I had / still have that same problem with my wife. Before we got married I was always at her side, telling her 'I love you', etc.. Always scared she was going to leave. It was because of a past relationship. It also kinda had to do with my wife being very independant.

 

I noticed my wife (fiancee at the time) pulling away, distancing herself, so I naturally poured it on more. This was scaring her off. Our couselor told me privately to not tell her I love her, don't show affection. In essence, I was being way too affectionate for my wife's taste, and she wasn't being affectionate enough. It was hard, but after the second day she came to me. It was such a nice feeling.

 

My wife then told me I didn't give her the chance to let her come to me, that I was smothering her. I'm just a very affectionate guy so it's hard not to do, so like you I have to 'trust' things will work out.

 

Life doesn't come with an instruction booklet, so we never know what lies ahead of us. Some have that 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrom, which makes it hard on the SO. My counselor also told me, which may pretain to you, that if I worry about things not working out then I will in ways make that happen. That my insecurity actually will push my wife away.

 

Give your wife a chance to come to you, but also remember to still go out on dates. Sounds kinda weird, but even though you been with her 17 years women still love to be romantsicized. Sometimes couples get so comfortable with each other they take the other for granted, not knowing it.

 

Also, check out my link in my signature, it might help.

 

Learn to build confidence in yourself as well. Love is a risk that everyone takes. However if we are too fearful of this risk then we end up living a very lonely life.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by jmargel

Some have that 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrom, which makes it hard on the SO.

 

this is part of my wifes 10% doubt

 

My counselor also told me, which may pretain to you, that if I worry about things not working out then I will in ways make that happen. That my insecurity actually will push my wife away.

 

this is exactly what my wife said too.....

 

Give your wife a chance to come to you

 

 

that is what I understand I need to do....but my insecurity says if you let her go, she wont come back.....that is the absoulte bottem line to my insecurity..... and I need to find a way to deal with it....

 

 

I cant say thanks enough for the encoragement and reassurance I get from you guys......I felt all alone, but there are others just like and I can learn from them....i just need to trust this process

[ThumbingMyWay]

The more I look into myself, the more I think I am TOO paranoid.

 

 

Now that I'm kinda understanding my insecurity.....AND unstanding exactly were my wife is in her life....I'm starting to get it.....

 

There are things she wants/need to do in her life. And the only thing I was hearing was "other man". But there is ALOT more too it. In fact after this weekend, I now know that the OM part is only a very small part of what she would like to experience. She does not want to leave me, find another man, get married and move on. THAT is the LAST thing she wants....and I finaly understand....and it feels like a wieght lifted from me. Knowing this will help me deal with this better now.

 

I've done alot of thinking and soul searching this past weekend....and ALOT of lights were turned on.....I see what I have to do now.

 

 

OH and I also told my wife about this website......I told her how much it has helped me deal with this situation. She wants a place to talk with someone anominous too, so tonight I will show her how to register so she can talk with others too. We both know what we have to do.....we are on the right track....but we cannot prdict the future, so we are going day by day.

[Moose]

I now know that the OM part is only a very small part of what she would like to experience.

 

Thumb, she's not going to go through with this is she? Is she learning from the MC that this simply isn't possible? I mean, we all have fantasies, but that's just what they are, fantasies. I hope that it will stay that way for her, and that you two can be creative enough to spice up you bedroom life so it won't become reality.

[ThumbingMyWay]

NO she is not going to. And I finaly believe her now. Like I said, after I realy listened to her (meaning listening WITHOUT screening it with my insecurity)....the experience of 'sex' with an OM....is a very minute part of what she is going thru. It always was....but due to my insercurity, it was all that I heard.....ya know?

 

This past week, has took me from way down low then up to a place wear I truely feel alot better on the inside. this process is working.....and I am happier today than I was during the last month.

 

We will get thru this.....I know we will. BUT we cannot predict future and I finaly get that....and no matter what happens (works out OR she leaves), I need to be happy either way, or else the rest of my life will be wasted with the thought of failure...and I will NOT let that happen to myself. GOD has a plan for ME and HER. And I will trust what ever it is.

[Moose]

Spoken like a true warrior.

[jmargel]

Thumb, if your wife wants to PM me about things, I'll talk to her. What she says stays between me & her, unless she wants to let you know. I've done that before with other couples.

[ThumbingMyWay]

jmargel,

 

I plan on showing her this wedsite tonight. And I will let her know who I am on here and let her read everything I have posted...if thats what she wants to do.

 

If she feels comfortable enough to also post here and give her side of what she feels, then that is her decision. If she feels comfortable enough to PM you (someone she dont know, anomonis third party), then thats fine too, but its altimately up to her. If it can help her/me/us in anyway, then I am all for it. We both want to make things right.

 

And if she does come here and she PMs with you, and wants to share with me, then cool. If she does not want to share, then thats fine too. I cannot let my insercurities control what I dont know. But I could only hope that you would bring out a positive outlook or opinion to help us make it right.

 

Getting advice from people you dont even know from the internet, may seem strange to some and I;m not sure how she will feel about it. BUT for me, it is a huge help knowing that there are couples that are going thru the same, and that they have made it thru for the better.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Just got done with a meeting with my MC. Its amazing how good I feel when I leave there. I have determined that I am further along in my "process" than I have let myself believe. My insercurity is a very strong feeling and can mask the truth emencily. Simply amazing how a few days of deep internal thought and disection of feelings can make you seen things thru a different viewpoint, a different set of eyes so to speak.

 

to all that have chimmed in for me....thank you. I am on my way, I just need to let myself flow.

[jmargel]

Sure.. I understand. I am a complete stranger to you. It's totally upto her. I was just offering, because sometimes it better to have someone listen who's not a part of the situation.

[Matilda]

Sounds like you and your wife are really working hard on your marriage, and I commend you for it. As I read your posts, I also thought, like the others who responded, that you are setting yourself up for defeat, if you continually worry about your wife leaving. Try to change your internal dialogue.

 

I don't know what kind of problems your wife is having with you, other than she feels she has missed out, and the grass may be greener, but I would say that you are the best man for her. You obviously care for her and love her a great deal. You have 2 children together, and unless your marriage is really bad, it will be better for them if you stay together. I also believe it will be better for the 2 of you if you stay together. The divorce statistics get worse for each marriage you have, so this marriage has the best chance of working.

 

From reading posts on here, and talking to others that I know personally, it seems the "grass is greener" phenomenon is common in those who marry young. For me, not having married the first time until I was 30, to an abusive man, and then not marrying my current husband until I was 32, I don't have that problem. I know that there is very little chance the grass is greener. I feel so incredibly lucky to have found my husband, and to be married to him.

 

I would say your wife might need to find another outlet for the feelings she is experiencing. Perhaps, going to school, doing something she always wanted to do, like music lessons (just an example, that's something I'd like to do ), travel somewhere, etc. I do think she is doing the right thing by acknowleding these feelings, because you obviously can't change anything you don't acknowledge.

 

I am in the process of reading a book that has been recommended on LS quite a bit called "The Five Love Languages." (I know Moose is one of the people who recommended it, so thank you Moose! ) I am finding it quite helpful. It has reinforced something that I have already come to realize. Marriage is work, and you choose to stay married, and you choose to love someone. In the book the author says, the "in love" stage only lasts 2 years, and after that you go (hopefully) to real love, which takes considerable work.

 

Good luck to you, and believe in yourself. Your wife has a good man in you, and you need to believe that. And look at this period as a chance to really improve your relationship with your wife, and make your marriage better.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by Matilda

Sounds like you and your wife are really working hard on your marriage, and I commend you for it. As I read your posts, I also thought, like the others who responded, that you are setting yourself up for defeat, if you continually worry about your wife leaving. Try to change your internal dialogue.

 

I just realized this in the last 2 days. My previous posts were HEAVILY influenced by my insercurity. I see this now and I am aware and I WILL change my internal dialogue.

 

Originally posted by Matilda

I don't know what kind of problems your wife is having with you, other than she feels she has missed out, and the grass may be greener, but I would say that you are the best man for her. You obviously care for her and love her a great deal. You have 2 children together, and unless your marriage is really bad, it will be better for them if you stay together. I also believe it will be better for the 2 of you if you stay together. The divorce statistics get worse for each marriage you have, so this marriage has the best chance of working.

 

As each day goes by, I see that the problem isn't necessarily me...its her internal struggles of who she is. I love her with all my heart and I love and adore our children. We will NOT get divorced and I realy believe that after yesterday. I was pessimistic a few days ago....but now, after things she has said and signs I see....she dont want to end this, she just wants to figure some things out inside her.

 

 

Originally posted by Matilda

I would say your wife might need to find another outlet for the feelings she is experiencing. Perhaps, going to school, doing something she always wanted to do, like music lessons (just an example, that's something I'd like to do ), travel somewhere, etc. I do think she is doing the right thing by acknowleding these feelings, because you obviously can't change anything you don't acknowledge.

 

those are 2 things she has always wanted to do. And I have told her that I will do what ever it takes to make those things happen. School is a definite....and she is a great singer, has a great voice, when she karaokes, EVERYBOBY is impressed, not only is she beautiful but she can sing, she just has an aura about her....and she would love to learn how to play guitar and write songs......I think that is very good thing for her to try.

 

Originally posted by Matilda

Marriage is work, and you choose to stay married, and you choose to love someone. In the book the author says, the "in love" stage only lasts 2 years, and after that you go (hopefully) to real love, which takes considerable work

 

I totally agree with that

 

 

Originally posted by Matilda

Good luck to you, and believe in yourself. Your wife has a good man in you, and you need to believe that. And look at this period as a chance to really improve your relationship with your wife, and make your marriage better.

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. And WE both look at this as a way to improve our marriage. Like I have siad in a previous post.....I believe GOD made our problems happen for a reason....he is testing us because we got too complacent in our marriage....and I am so glad he did this, becasue it will take us to a place of love that we have never experienced.....just this morning, my wife gave me a hug and said.."we are doing the right thing and I know we will make this work". That gives me enormus motivation.....I still cant believe how good I feel today VS 2 days ago...