CrimsonEyed Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I'll try and make this short. In the beginning I met my MM (I'm a MW) and he wanted strictly sex, said he had a great marriage but she never has sex with him. Said he wanted no emotions, no divorces, we could be friends but if I ever said the big L word he would probably run. I was fine with all this but told him I can't ever prevent feelings if they happen, im not a robot. He respected it but said he would never be able to return any feelings. I accepted that. I'll admit I enjoy the emotional affairs. But I'm a girl of course I do lol. I have had a few affairs, two meaningless fwb and one that meant something to me.... sadly. I've been married for over 10 years. I know on a level what I do is "wrong" but, you don't understand my life. Briefly all I can tell you is I don't feel very guilty for what I do, and NOT because I'm a heartless 'B'...but because I have a marriage based on financials children and insurance. Whole other story though. Anyways we have been seeing eachother for some time. I know it sounds very cliche and stuff to say this but he changed so much about me. The person i am now versus who I've ever been is incredible. I feel so deeply almost spiritually connected to him that its insane. I've had these before.....and never ever felt this way. I've even flirted and talked to for extended periods of time with other men,.and its NEvER been like this. Now, I told him all this, he knows how i feel. I always told him I don't care that he can't love me, but I still want him to know how i feel. It goes much much deeper than this but I dont want to write you a book. But now....out of no where... HE! is slowly starting to be the one who brings up questions about emotio ns. He has started telling me how deeply he feels about me, but still can't love me. He use to never ever call me, just emails and then seeing eachother briefly because he is so god aweful paranoid about getting caught and having traces of me. Well now he has called me a couple times, and when we are "together" actually stays for a little bit to talk. He actually emailed me while out shopping with his family. He has started to become a little more "ballsy" if you will. He just keeps telling me he feels so strongly but he is struggling with so many emotional personal things he just Can't and refuses think about loving me. I don't get that statement AT ALL. He has also started to become very jealous, and gets really hurt when I talk about other men. He's seeming to become afraid that ill find someone better...but all while telling me "no, its.fine, yoi deserve.better,.go find him" but I know he doesnt mean it. The biggest thing that gets me about all this is that when talks about emotions or feelings, even with my H or his W...he will open up a little bit, then immediately try and change the subject and say something dirty, even when HE is the one who broight up the emotional crap! Like a defense mechanism or something...but from what?? He seemed to be so shut off from the possobilty of "love" but now i feel like he is trying so very very hard to deny his feelings. I've told him before that even if I fell in love or vice versa it wouldn't matter and that I KNOW neither of us will ever leave our spouse and thats ok....but the emotional affairs/fantasies feel so good. So WHY is it such a big deal to him to keep denying it if its whats happening...or is he not and this is just wishful thinking? I mean he KNOwS that even if we both said I love you everyday ....I wouldn't ever take it a.step further than what it already is. I told him that this is almost like a video game...pure fantasy. So why is he still so scared to admit his feelings or to "play along". I would understand complety if it was because I gave him even a 1% chance that id leave my marriage, but I havnt! This is all strictly a psychology of men question I have. Please dont ask me why i care either way...I'm just thoroughly intrigued about why men in general would be like this. Of course a part of me wishes he would say he is falling in love with me because well, dont we all want to be loved?
MissBee Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) This isn't "men in general", my exAP was the first one to say I love you, in fact, every man I've dated has been the first to verbalize it. You say it's pure fantasy and a video game...and if so, I suppose as part of the game or to make it better you'd like declarations of love to intensify the fantasy? It seems like he, maybe more so than you, is acutely aware of how wrong the situation is, so he is extremely conflicted. He may have strong feelings for you, but also doesn't see the point of dwelling on that and doesn't want to go further down the rabbit hole. I think he is aware that while it is a fantasy, it also has real repercussions for him and his real life and therefore is conflicted about going any deeper than he needs to. It's a foolhardy game anyway you take it...but even still people will try to set up protective measures. Maybe he is thinking more pragmatically, like, what would be the point of declaring love? What would be the difference between him denying and admitting, if in either case, neither of you will leave and it's all a "video game"? Maybe he feels it is more dangerous to admit to love than it is to keep it, even pretend casual. I'm trying to see the ultimate outcome of him doing that and can't and maybe he feels the same. What would you hope for, since neither of you will leave? What would be the IDEAL scenario if you had a magic wand? Edited May 4, 2013 by MissBee 2
Author CrimsonEyed Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 That was all a very good perception...thank you for that. As for my ideal scenerio for all of this..hmmm. Well, this sounds a little crazy but if I had a "magical wand" anything would be possible. However, it would have to be that this affair carries on for years and years and years unnoticed. Almost as my second "husband". But one that I can use as I please, to run to when I need to. But the words I love you, coming from him, would give me a sense of security and my vulnerability (the wall) that surrounds me would be completely gone. But again, I'm ok with him saying these things. I just find it incredibly interesting. I like how he says he cant ever love me. It makes this a challenge. I've always liked a challenge.
MissBee Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) That was all a very good perception...thank you for that. As for my ideal scenerio for all of this..hmmm. Well, this sounds a little crazy but if I had a "magical wand" anything would be possible. However, it would have to be that this affair carries on for years and years and years unnoticed. Almost as my second "husband". But one that I can use as I please, to run to when I need to. But the words I love you, coming from him, would give me a sense of security and my vulnerability (the wall) that surrounds me would be completely gone. But again, I'm ok with him saying these things. I just find it incredibly interesting. I like how he says he cant ever love me. It makes this a challenge. I've always liked a challenge. I'm gonna be honest with you Crimson...and take it for what it's worth . I don't think you love this man. I don't think either of you love each other. From what you say, you seem to be someone who has had many affairs, flirts a lot and even with your perfect scenario, you want the MM as someone to run to and whom you can "use as you please." I've never heard it put like that, but at least you're honest. This doesn't sound like love, so much as it sounds like you like him around to make you feel good and if he loved you, you'd feel more powerful and feel like you can use his "love" to your advantage, whereas now, you're not 100% sure you can. It is an unhealthy mentality when one approaches relationships and other people's feelings in terms of "liking a challenge" or competition. People who do that tend to have issues of constantly needing validation from others to prove their worth, and it sounds like you may operate in the same way. None of this seems to be about the other person and your respect for them, your desire to see them at their best, etc. but more so, all about how they can make you feel good and how you can validate yourself by "winning" their love, to prove to yourself that you won this challenge. It doesn't seem like you're concerned about changing your behavior; however, I think you should at least think about it bwcause the affair probably won't go on indefinitely, whether or not he says he loves you...and if so, what will you do, just find a new AP? Edited May 4, 2013 by MissBee 7
thefooloftheyear Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 I'm gonna be honest with you Crimson...and take it for what it's worth . I don't think you love this man. I don't think either of you love each other. From what you say, you seem to be someone who has had many affairs, flirts a lot and even with your perfect scenario, you want the MM as someone to run to and whom you can "use as you please." I've never heard it put like that, but at least you're honest. This doesn't sound like love, so much as it sounds like you like him around to make you feel good and if he loved you, you'd feel more powerful and feel like you can use his "love" to your advantage, whereas now, you're not 100% sure you can. It is an unhealthy mentality when one approaches relationships and other people's feelings in terms of "liking a challenge" or competition. People who do that tend to have issues of constantly needing validation from others to prove their worth, and it sounds like you may operate in the same way. None of this seems to be about the other person and your respect for them, your desire to see them at their best, etc. but more so, all about how they can make you feel good and how you can validate yourself by "winning" their love, to prove to yourself that you won this challenge. It doesn't seem like you're concerned about changing your behavior; however, I think you should at least think about it bwcause the affair probably won't go on indefinitely, whether or not he says he loves you...and if so, what will you do, just find a new AP? Very well said... Something very wrong with this picture.... TFY 2
Author CrimsonEyed Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Sadly, I can admit your Probably right. I seem to play these mind games beyond belief sometimes. I guess it is a power trip. He's successful, with a great career, very intelligent, and i have always had low self worth. So, perhaps I crave the attention from powerful men because it makes me think "if these men could love me" I must be worth something. It doesnt help i have no validation in my own relationship as my husband can be quite mentally and verbally abuse in reguardles to my looks and intelligence. But again.... I was simply wanting other peoples views on his psychology.... I already know I'm a little messed up.
MissBee Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 (edited) Sadly, I can admit your Probably right. I seem to play these mind games beyond belief sometimes. I guess it is a power trip. He's successful, with a great career, very intelligent, and i have always had low self worth. So, perhaps I crave the attention from powerful men because it makes me think "if these men could love me" I must be worth something. It doesnt help i have no validation in my own relationship as my husband can be quite mentally and verbally abuse in reguardles to my looks and intelligence. But again.... I was simply wanting other peoples views on his psychology.... I already know I'm a little messed up. Hey Crimson, I feel you. I wagered on what his mentality may be. But also, in scenarios like you've described, generally, one never gets the love and validation they seek, as you inherently attract men who can't/won't give it. MM is no different. He may not be abusive like your husband, but he is still a man who cannot love you. I'm terribly sorry for your situation with your H and while I get that you "know you're messed up", I wouldn't feel right if I didn't say that I hope you do work on yourself first and foremost as wondering about the psychology of a MM is the least...as his psychology will be that of most men you attract, i.e. you want them to love and validate you and they won't/don't and you have to resort to mind games to feel in control and you are always left wondering about their feelings/loyalty. I see it as an endless cycle and experienced this myself, until I realized the problem was ME and not that I needed to figure them out. Edited May 5, 2013 by MissBee 3
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