Capricieux Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Andrew and I chatted for six months. He told me he was in love with me, which I hesitated on returning because we didn't met yet at that point (even though my affection for him was growing) We finally met in person, and I was shocked by how different he looked than his profile pictures... it caught me off guard enough to behave a bit stand-offish toward him. After the date I wrote him a nice 'thank you' letter for the flowers, dinner / lunch and taking the time to see me. He responded right away - asking me if it would be okay to meet me again before his trip to Florida. I ask him when (to give him a second chance) and he didn't respond for four days. I felt like he was put off by my stand-offish behavior, so I felt like I owed him an apology as well as an explanation for my being so shallow. I just didn't want to leave him in the dark as we chatted for so long. So, I told him about how different he looked from his profile pictures, how he looked like Thomas Gibson on his profile and looked more like Tom Hanks in person. He never responds (again). I sent him another apology letter - again - no response (even though he signed online right away to read it) A week later, he edits his public profile for the whole world to see. I knew it was aimed at me, because in his self summary he wrote: "apparently I look like Tom Hanks... that can't be good. I used to think I was funny, but i guess that doesn't belong on a dating profile" and his answer for "I Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About:" His answers was - "ruined friendships." I realize he's still hurt, and I care for him deeply... but I don't know if he's just being stingy, plotting something hurtful in return? I don't know why he felt it necessary to edit his public profile with his emotional hurts? Especially when I have already apologized to him... countless times before? Anyone who visits his profile will read it, and I just don't know what his deal is... or where he's at with me? Thank you for your time....
Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I would let it go. I think we all look a little different in photos, but if it is a major difference then it is not fair. I understand how you feel though.
Author Capricieux Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 But I still do have feelings for him... I just didn't want to pursue it, because I was afraid he lost those feelings for me...
Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 But I still do have feelings for him... I just didn't want to pursue it, because I was afraid he lost those feelings for me... I understand. Why did it take that long for you two to meet up ?
TigerCub Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I think it's stupid when people use pictures that don't represent the way they look in the present. It does just set up for that kind of disappointment and awkwardness. It is deceptive and just a really bad way to start off. I really don't get why so many people try that... But as for you - you have no tact. There are better ways to call him out on the pictures thing if it really bugged you. Also, now you're all about how much you liked/like him - if that is true, then why would the picture have been such a major issue? Just leave it alone. 4
charlietheginger Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 He loved you before he met you..... Typical OLD weirdo 6
Author Capricieux Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) Disinterested - No, they just looked old. Buttercup84 - It took a long time for us to meet because I had a nasty experience online before.... I never met the guy but he kept creating fake profiles and harrassing me with threats.. Not to mention the fact that I also have a fear of getting too close to people. Plus, Andrew (the topic of this post), had dropped the "L" word very soon into chatting with him, and I just wanted to make sure that he was a guy worth meeting, so we finally agreed to meet when I not only trusted him, but had feelings for him. TigerCub - I have never just started to like him "now." I have always had feelings for him (even before we met) but this was my first time ever in meeting someone online, so I didn't know what to expect and was already nervous enough in meeting him for the first time. When he looked different than his photos it caught me off guard but I still wanted to give him a second chance, because as much as he may have looked different - his personality still meant more to me than anything else. He didn't respond even though he asked to meet me a second time, so I felt like I owed him an apology if I offended him (as well as the reason why I behaved the way I did). I didn't want to leave him in the dark, so I wanted to give him the respect of an open, honest way of communication. Plus, I didn't want him hurt in the future in-case any future dates decide to disappear on him for the same reason. If we had only chatted for a week, I probably would have felt like I owed him nothing at all. But I didn't want to treat him that way. Edited May 4, 2013 by Capricieux
TigerCub Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 TigerCub - I have never just started to like him "now." I have always had feelings for him (even before we met) but this was my first time ever in meeting someone online, so I didn't know what to expect and was already nervous enough in meeting him for the first time. When he looked different than his photos it caught me off guard but I still wanted to give him a second chance, because as much as he may have looked different - his personality still meant more to me than anything else. He didn't respond even though he asked to meet me a second time, so I felt like I owed him an apology if I offended him (as well as the reason why I behaved the way I did). I didn't want to leave him in the dark, so I wanted to give him the respect of an open, honest way of communication. Plus, I didn't want him hurt in the future in-case any future dates decide to disappear on him for the same reason. If we had only chatted for a week, I probably would have felt like I owed him nothing at all. But I didn't want to treat him that way. I didn't need the recap, I read the OP. I'm just saying that you could have gotten your point across in a more tactful way. 4
Author Capricieux Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 How can there be another way of saying "you look different than your photos." I thought I was being tactful when I told him that it wasn't a matter of being more / less attractive - it was just different: like two perfectly cut diamonds, but just a different shape. I also told him that he was still that same great guy who caused me to get over my fears of getting too close to anyone, and how his personality meant more to me - otherwise I wouldn't have even bothered to still make any efforts in communicating with him. When he finally did IM me, he told me it was "motivational" and how I was just being honest with him, even though it still hurt. When I asked him if he was still up for meeting me again he said "When I'm less disgusting." Which hurt me, because after seeing what he wrote on his public profile... it just made my regret all the more unbearable. I just don't know why he is taking this to such measures as putting all of his emotional hurts on his public dating profile? He edited his dating profile about a week after I gave up trying to write him anymore. The last (and latest) I ever wrote to him was over his edited profile... it just hurt me.
soccerrprp Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) I will admit that I did this once. That is, change my profile to reflect an insensitive comment made by a woman I was dating. She saw it and commented on it. We became very good friends eventually. Childish on my part? Perhaps. But it was an addition that needed to be included b/c it went to the core of common decency and respect and frankly, personal philosophy. I still have it there to remind me and others that "that" addition is essential to what I believe and am. Okay, so you insulted his looks and he called you on it. I personally don't believe that Tom Hanks looks bad at all. Yeah, you could have been more tactful as others have said, but it's too late. You continue letting him know that you're interested and that is all you can do. If he doesn't get that message and can't get over it, that's his problem. But, you've certainly bruised his ego. With my experience, I not only changed my profile, but I gave my ex a thorough verbal, face to face, explanation of where I was coming from. I am not passive aggressive nor do I hold back on how I feel. She listened, understood, apologized and we continued dating. She never brought it up again or I and it never again became an issue for us to move on. You apologized. You've shown/expressed that you're still interested. Now he needs to man up or move on. What else can you do? Edited May 4, 2013 by soccerrprp
BluEyeL Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Gosh, never stay in a cyber/fantasy relationship with a man for months!! It always ends bad, because each person creates this false image about the other one. And the L word before you met is kooky. Listen, I understand you had a bad experience with OLD before, but do yourself a favor and meet a man in person asap, for a cup of cofee, half an hour, one hour, it'll save you a lot of trouble. You shouldn't have said anhything about the pictue, imho. Most people look different IRL, in my experience actually they looked better than the pictures, even if the pictures were old and they in fact looked older, it's the facial expression and the way they speak that makes the difference. 1
Janesays Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 How can there be another way of saying "you look different than your photos." You shouldn't have brought up his looks in a negative way at all. You could have just said you were a little nervous to explain your behavior and left it at that. Instead, you insulted him. Like another poster said, that was tactless. Whether or not his looks bothered you was something you needed to reflect on privately. You didn't need to give him a verbal kick in the nuts about it. There is NO NICE WAY to say what you said. Period. It hurt him. Period. If you keep harping about it, you'll keep hurting him. Period. So stop and learn some manners already. Would you still want to date a guy who told you he was not as physically attracted to you in person as he was to your pictures? 6
FitChick Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 For comparison: Thomas Gibson Tom Hanks Spot the difference! 1
FitChick Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Something similar happened to me. These two men look like him: Photo in his profile What he looked like in person
apple OR orange Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 it will be better mentally for him for you to walk away.... fairly interesting this is one reason i NEVER post face pictures anywhere on the dating / human interaction sites. Its been done to me, and i make sure it will never happened again. Were you responsible for him not dating for the next x years (or ever), maybe, are you wrong for doing that, sounds like you think you are as you think you might have been shallow for not treating as human even if his picture wasn’t the same. Only you can deal with that.
Sookie1 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I don't think you should've said anything about how he looks. He feels as though you aren't attracted to him physically, and I personally don't want to be with someone that isn't attracted to me. I'd always feel ugly.
joanna13 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 You were a bit harsh with those comments, but he asked you out again and you said yes. I don't think you did anything wrong, if he edited his photos on his site. You have any right to feel the way you do. This is why I don't like meeting people online, unless we skype or something. I'd ask him to put on his camera on! But this guy is wierd you said you would meet him and you apologized, I don't know what you should do. I guess this really hurt his ego. But what do you want? You don't seem to be into him, because he dissapointed you with his looks and he knows it. I think its better to leave it this way. I believe when you don't like someone from the start phisically or his character, that its just not meant to be, so why push it!
gaius Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 He's being a big baby. How many romantic movies has Tom Hanks been in? Just for future reference though, 99% of guys are big babies. They don't really want to be told the truth. 2
ascendotum Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) 'He told me he was in love with me' before you even met in person....redflag. 'I felt like I owed him an apology as well as an explanation for my being so shallow'. When someone uses old pics, or edited pics...no you don't owe apology. They know what they are doing. The only sorry should be, 'sorry but I don't think we are going to work out'. In your case because you chatted for 6 mths before you met, the rejection will seem much more personal and less likely to be based on personality and common interests. Don't muck around just chatting online for so long in future before meeting. He was hoping to build up a stronger bond, before you met because he knew he did not live up to his pics. Someone editing their profile based on the reactions they get from their dates (especially one they had strong feelings for), I don't think is that weird. In his case because it was so specific though it seemed to reflect his hurt feelings. Don't worry about it. People get rejected all the time. You are not responsible for his feelings. Its the nature of OLD. He wasted your time. (well sort of by using old pics, but then I read that you were the one that kept this online friendship going way too long before meeting, not him) Edited May 4, 2013 by ascendotum
KraftDinner Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Did you mean Tom Hanks now (who sort of resembles Mr. Potato Head) or Tom Hanks from the mid-80s (Splash, Big, etc.), who sort of resembled HOTNESS? He was SO cute in the 80s, I had a crush on him.
Author Capricieux Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 ascendotum, Quote: "Someone editing their profile based on the reactions they get from their dates (especially one they had strong feelings for), I don't think is that weird. In his case because it was so specific though it seemed to reflect his hurt feelings. Don't worry about it. People get rejected all the time. You are not responsible for his feelings. Its the nature of OLD. He wasted your time. (well sort of by using old pics, but then I read that you were the one that kept this online friendship going way too long before meeting, not him)" He edited his profile after I told him that the apology letter I was writing to him (at the moment) would be the last (due to a lack of his replies). We added each other as "favorites," so any profile editing - or new uploads of pictures gets posted for either one of us to see on the dashboard of our homepage each time we log onto the dating site... and that's how I encountered the latest update to his edited profile... I don't know if he did that as a way of telling me it's over? Or... if he did that as a means to get my attention - because deep down he is still interested, and knows that I regret what I did? I'm just really confused in that area... because I had originally intended to keep all that honesty to myself.... that's why I first agreed to meet with him again on a second date.... but because he didn't reply for four days (as he usually signs online, and replies right away) I panicked, felt like my behavior offended him somehow, and thus felt it necessary to confide an honest confession to him of how I felt that first day we met. If he would have replied right away as to when we could have met a second time, I would have been more than happy to put any hang ups I had aside, and move forward with this.
Author Capricieux Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 KraftDinner - "Did you mean Tom Hanks now (who sort of resembles Mr. Potato Head) or Tom Hanks from the mid-80s (Splash, Big, etc.), who sort of resembled HOTNESS?" Kraft - He looked like a young Tom Hanks in the 80's just slightly overweight, and different hair. His photos resembled a 25 or so Thomas Gibson look-alike. Disinterested - "A couple years old or decades old?" Disinterested - I don't know, I never asked... if I had to guess maybe a few years? He did look slightly younger... All I know or care about is that I miss him, and these past few weeks we haven't contacted one another have been driving me nuts.
Author Capricieux Posted May 14, 2013 Author Posted May 14, 2013 HoneyBadgerDontCare - Well, I could be better... but as to being more informative, I am 29 years old, and he is 31 years old.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 14, 2013 Posted May 14, 2013 HoneyBadgerDontCare - Well, I could be better... but as to being more informative, I am 29 years old, and he is 31 years old. Hahahaha touche at my typo, OP, touche. It's kind of strange that you're THAT old and taking 6 months to meet in person. I used to do that on AOL chatrooms when I was like 14. 1
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