outoflovedesperate Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 This is the only place where I can get outside advice and not feel judged by the ones I usually lean on, and this is a desperate act on my attempt on either trying to salvage my marriage or to just call it quits and leave. I met my husband 3 years ago online and moved across the country to be with him. We married this past August, meaning, we've been married less than a year. In the last 6 months, I've found myself falling more and more out of love with him. I've tried desperately to work this out, I've spoken to him about it and things don't seem to change. I left in February to think things through and we were apart for about a month, I went and stayed with my parents in my hometown, which is across the country from the home we've made. My father passed away on my visit and it put my marriage problems on the back burner because my husband flew in to be with my family and I during that difficult time. Before I had left, I told him that we needed to start working on our marriage because I just wasn't happy anymore. We flew back to our home together and things were okay for a couple of weeks and now we're right back where we started at. He's distant, he acts like he has no feelings and frankly, we don't communicate anymore and it bothers me a lot. I've brought up the fact that I'm unhappy in our marriage and he just kind of pushes it aside or blames it on the fact that I have bipolar disorder. And I've tried explaining that even without the bipolar disorder, our marriage just isn't working. What is keeping me from leaving already is that he's got 2 children that I am attached to and they love me just as much and occasionally refer to me as 'mom'. This part is what's keeping me from packing up and leaving. But more often than not, I feel that I do want to leave. I find myself wanting to take my wedding ring off more and more because, honestly, I just don't want to be married anymore. I feel that we're in more of a friendship than we are a marriage and that's not the way things are supposed to work. I cry most nights because I'm at a loss of what to do. Tonight, I mentioned the big D word to him and then asked him if he was okay a few hours later, letting it sink in I guess, and his response was "I'm just fine, why shouldn't I be?" He sees absolutely no problems in our marriage.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 He sees absolutely no problems in our marriage. Wouldn't marriage counseling be a natural step for you? Other than a perceived lack of communication, you're not real specific about the problems beyond "I'm not happy". Is he abusive? Sexual issues? Finances? Not real clear about what got you to this point in 9 short months... Also, how much "in person" time did you spend together before deciding to marry? Mr. Lucky
8bitworld Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 (edited) "I feel that we're in more of a friendship than we are a marriage and that's not the way things are supposed to work." My feelings here are that any marriage is built on friendship. If you are friends that's the foundational Step 1 to marriage. If you feel that marriage is not supposed work that way I guess I would ask you to look inside yourself and see what makes you feel friendship is so much different from marriage? Remember this, your significant other will NEVER make YOU happy. Just as they will not make you sad or angry. Being happy, sad or angry is something you have to figure out on your own and when you do it's a force to be reckoned with. The only thing your significant other can make you feel is appreciated. You just got married. My feelings are the whole NEW feeling is probably just wearing off and the normal life begins. If you were diligent you would have made a few life goals that you wanted to accomplish together as a team. I would start putting my focuses there and work towards what you wanted together in the first place. Working on making you happy should not be his goal IT'S YOURS! As his happiness is his. One last note. Marriage is more than a ring and a promise. Marriage is hard work, dedication, loyalty, compromise and always difficult to manage. Tread lightly before bringing up subjects of separation or divorce as these are devastating words. Edited May 5, 2013 by 8bitworld 1
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