It's over

[BrokenPrincess]

I only speak from my experience and some of the stupid mistakes I made early on. If I had been able to remain strong and not appear so desperate it might have made a difference, I don't know if the outcome would be any different, but I can tell you I would have had my dignity for sure. Now I look back at some of the ways I responded and things I did and cringe.

 

I wish I had found this board at that time because I am certain there would have been people that would have been further down the path than I was that could have helped me change my course.

 

That is why I am here. I want to help others with the knowledge that I now have. It still isn't easy at times, but its better

 

Thank you (& others) for sharing your hindsight. I wanted him to know that I have been feeling the same way, consumed by heavy guilt these past few weeks but that I love him too and that confused me to cling to something that wasnt working. That I wish things were different and I have wondered what it would be like if we were able to be together without restraint.

But that he has made his position clear.

[BrokenPrincess]

Last year on cinqo de mayo, MM & I were texting & talking all day, sending pictures from our respective backyards as we wore matching bathing suits & drank Mexican beer "together". Is he thinking of me today, making the guacamole recipe he shared with me last year? I am overwhelmed. Feels like I will never stop crying.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Whew! That's hard. There will always be those "anniversary" sort of dates. So, pull yourself up, go in and grab a couple of beers and ask hubby to join you. you create a new memory. Hang in there - I promise you after the initial week or so it will get better.

[BrokenPrincess]

So now, grieve BP - cry, be sad, let it out, eat some ice cream, but you must pull yourself up by your bootstraps and walk through this. There is no other way. I hope you have a good friend that can help you through this. I had a couple who would allow me to vent, cry, be sad, etc. They were my lifelines. If you don't please find a therapist to help you.

 

How many friends did you confide in? I've told 2: one is amazing, been through it, and I told her when it started, so she was there from the good times in the beginning. Unfortunately she lives on the other side of the country so with time diff, it's been impossible to find a time we were both alone to talk. She's been texting me tons but its not the same.

 

The other I wish I hadn't burdened with it but I was desperate on DDay and had no idea what to do. When I told her he broke NC in Feb, she started crying and said she hates him. I don't want to lean on her any more.

 

The person I WISH I would've called is my best friend of 20+ yrs. that day I assumed she'd be too busy with her 4 kids. Anyway I asked her if I could come by tomorrow to catch up...she said of course & I'm sure thinks something us majorly wrong to need to talk on a Monday morning.

 

The thing I'm struggling with is whether to burden yet another person with my BS? And is that just ridiculous to have told 3 friends but not my H?

 

Can I get through this without telling her? And, is there any advice she can give me or am I just bothering her because her comfort would mean more to me than anyone else?

[BrokenPrincess]

I think you need to be strong and lean on your H.

 

You are still seeking validation of your affair from friends.

 

Do you think I would still be seeking validation if I went to a therapist?

[BrokenPrincess]

She has something going on in her personal life that just happened last week & I do to want to pile on.

 

Ok I am not going to reply to his email.

 

I will tell the friend nevermind about tomorrow and I'll call the new insurance to see about finding a therapist.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

BP, why do you not want to confide in the friend that was mad at mm? I would think she would be a good source of support for you now.

 

Hon, the things you write and even this post, indicates that you have such a strong need for approval that it gets in the way of your reasoning skills.

 

I get it, I truly do as I have struggled with this in my own life. Feeling like I'm not good enough and then an affair is usually just another way of cementing that feeling. Self destructive!

 

Make an appt with a therapist tomorrow sweets. You need to address what is at the center of this.[/quote

 

I agree with this. I had a couple of friends who had been through an affair previously and had walked the path of emotions and could help guide me and empathize. They loved me and would have loved me no matter what my choice. However I had one friend who was so pissed at me initially until we had a two hour conversation where she finally got the pain I was in. She absolutely detests my XMM but she loved me. So she would allow me to vent, cry and be sad but she was so realistic and would bring me back into the present constantly. I am so thankful to her. She would have been absolutely pissed at me if I had left my husband for my XMM (whom she calls a f@@@wad) but I also know she would have loved me too. The point is she didn't let me get away with anything. She loved me through it, but also pointed out my foggy and unrealistic thinking. I needed truth and she gave it to me. She still does.

 

If you have friends like that, that is what you need. Or a therapist who will help you with your grieving process. I wish I could hug you right now. As it is I went to a bachelorette party last night and the mother of the bride (who is a dear friend of mine) was a little tipsy and confessed to me an affair she is in this very minute. So now that she has opened the door and wants to talk and wants my advice, I know what my job is and now how my experience can help others. She is the one I can physically be there for.

 

I can post to you however and let you know I care as well. Hang tough BP.

[whichwayisup]

Do you think I would still be seeking validation if I went to a therapist?

 

Going to a therapist will help you sort this out. Leaning on your husband for support to get over exMM is not right. You need to do that on your own and rely on some friends and counseling.

 

Your H (hopefully) will allow you some time (within a reason time frame) to work through your pain, but he won't stand for it for too long.

[Lillyfree]

reading through this thread has brought some stuff back for me. but at the same time (and please don't get me wrong) made me thankful that i've never gone back.

 

please, take care of yourself. take time for things to settle a bit. i wouldn't say anything to your husband while things are so raw, you need to centre yourself and calm down a bit.

 

you seem to have what i have with your husband and your little family. looking back now, it seems odd and scary that i risked all of that for anyone.

i've gone to a concert with my H on the weekend too and you know what? it was the best night we've had in a long time. i was anxious leading up to it because OM said that he'd be going to it (i bought the tickets before we went NC). not anxious because i might see him, but because i didn't want to think about him while out with my husband.

 

and i didn't. we booked a room in a hotel nearby. we went to a pub or two. we laughed, and had a great time. we went to brunch the following day and then to the park, took time to lie on the grass and just talk. OM is... gone. not completely of course, but he's unimportant now. just another thing that happened in the past.

 

BP, i was where you are. numbing pain, thinking you will never be over it. but you will, and once he's out of your mind enough you will be able to either appreciate what was there all along, or start again and be able to open yourself up to a person who will be just yours.

 

as for sending the email - don't. draw the line and be done with it forever.

this might seem like an awful thing to say to you right now, but i am talking to you from 6 months further on: you will be thankful for what's just happened. it was obvious that after breaking NC you weren't at all happy. that's no way to live.

 

and when you're ready, talk to your husband. let that be a part of clearing the slate and starting fresh.

 

but for now, take it easy... we're here when things get too much.

 

*hugs*

[Owl]

BP...I really do wish you'd "burden" your H with this. For a couple of reasons, and both for your benefit and his.

 

Helping him "deal" with this will absolutely help you to refocus OFF of your xMM and onto you your H.

 

You might well be amazed at what your H will do to help you recover as well.

 

It frees EVERYONE up to make an informed decision on their own personal future with all the pertinent information.

 

Frankly, as wonderful a man as you paint your H to be, don't you think he deserves the choice to be with you or not, in light of all that's gone on?

 

And...doesn't he deserve the chance to decide whether or not to help you recover as you go through this as well?

 

I'm not trying to beat you down...please don't take it that way. I'm just suggesting that you might take the one approach that you dread the most...because it's really the right way to go...at least from my perspective (which is the closest to that of your H's as you're likely to find here).

[Praying4Peace]

BP- what's your H's personality like?

 

And if you tell him, will you add in that exMM was the one to call it quits? I think that will really bother him.

 

Also- I don't know why but IC's seem to tell their clients NOT to tell while a MC will say you have to tell. My therapist told me that coming clean with my H was the wrong thing to do and it was just to get rid of my own guilt. I don't agree with her. Whatever it was- there was going to be no happy M without me coming clean.

 

I do agree that he has to know at some point. You can't live with this big of a secret.

[Owl]

BP- what's your H's personality like?

 

And if you tell him, will you add in that exMM was the one to call it quits? I think that will really bother him.

 

Also- I don't know why but IC's seem to tell their clients NOT to tell while a MC will say you have to tell. My therapist told me that coming clean with my H was the wrong thing to do and it was just to get rid of my own guilt. I don't agree with her. Whatever it was- there was going to be no happy M without me coming clean.

 

I do agree that he has to know at some point. You can't live with this big of a secret.

 

IC's don't give a damn about the marriage, nor the spouse. The ONLY person they're focused on is the individual paying them their paycheck. They have zero interest in the marriage nor the other people in the person that they're counseling's life.

 

So they say "don't tell"...because they're focused on a short term fix with zero care about anyone else. Even if telling the truth is more likely to be a better long term fix...that's not their goal.

 

MC's are paid to think about the marriage...hence the focus on honesty and the health of BOTH parties in the marriage rather than just one person.

[Praying4Peace]

IC's don't give a damn about the marriage, nor the spouse. The ONLY person they're focused on is the individual paying them their paycheck. They have zero interest in the marriage nor the other people in the person that they're counseling's life.

 

So they say "don't tell"...because they're focused on a short term fix with zero care about anyone else. Even if telling the truth is more likely to be a better long term fix...that's not their goal.

 

MC's are paid to think about the marriage...hence the focus on honesty and the health of BOTH parties in the marriage rather than just one person.

 

So basically an IC doesn't care that you're carrying around this massive secret guilty information that doesn't allow you to be 100% open with your spouse and that's okay FOR YOU as an INDIVIDUAL? What a load of crock...

 

I'm not judging people who don't tell, but it catches up to you and will make you feel pretty ****ty, especially if it was a longer A and not some ONS.

[veryhappy]

You seem to be looking for something that exMM can't offer, and you will find peace once you realize he truly can't and won't offer what you need. All the tossing and turning though...do you have an idea what you are looking for? It seems bigger than exMM.

 

I would absolutely encourage you to not respond. There is no point other than making yourself feel worse in the long term, and his message was not written as if he was expecting for a response. If the email account was one the two of you used, I would strongly encourage you to close the account, so if he ever tries logging in he hits a cold, hard wall. That's clear enough of a good bye from you. Transfer old emails to another account if you are sentimental; I have done that before closing the account I was using with him, but haven't felt the need to read them ever since.

 

Things do get better, but once you are really not holding on to hope, once you tell yourself that he is not coming back in any way and this was the end of it. Why won't you let go? He made it clear he doesn't want you. Let him go too, because it will only hurt otherwise.

[BrokenPrincess]

Lilly, your post about your concert helped me so much to read when my eyes popped open way too early again this morning. It gave me hope that someday (soon!) I will have experiences again with my H that don't involve xMM in my head. I actually felt somewhat at peace because I know I'm back on the right path.

 

My friend (the one who cried when I told her MM broke NC)...she called last night to check on me. My office was closed today for maintenance, and I ended up packing up my laptop & working from her house so I didn't have to be alone wallowing. It was really nice...we sat on the porch & talked & talked.

 

She shared her experience growing up in a divorced home (her dad was a serial cheater, has married a few of his OW) and her H's experience recently finding out his dad fathered a child 15 years ago with one of his mistresses. Wow.

 

She reminded me that only a few days before, I was telling her myself that the A needed to end, being underground was too stifling and since I had been working so hard to reconnect with my family after DDay, I wasn't "checked out" anymore and the guilt this time around was heavy.

 

She wasn't scared of my tears, was sympathetic to all my conflicting emotions, helped me start researching therapists, and talked through some ideas to help through some of my triggers.

 

I'm so blessed to have such an incredible friend. And when I came home & saw my little family, for the very first time since all this started, I thought "What the F was I thinking?!!!?"

[Lillyfree]

i am glad you have a friend who can help you through this. unfortunately (or fortunately, who knows) i battled my demons on my own.

 

and i'm so happy my post made you feel even a tiny little bit better i was hoping it would.

 

BP, having a person who loves you and supports you no matter what is such a rare thing to come across. i realised i had that in my husband all along. seems like you do too...

 

it's possible to reconnect. once MM is out of your head you will be able to let your husband back in. if you're anything like me, i distanced myself and pushed H away as i couldn't love 2 people. i'm feel free of the whole A mess now. give it time, and patience.

[Journee]

i am glad you have a friend who can help you through this. unfortunately (or fortunately, who knows) i battled my demons on my own.

 

and i'm so happy my post made you feel even a tiny little bit better i was hoping it would.

 

BP, having a person who loves you and supports you no matter what is such a rare thing to come across. i realised i had that in my husband all along. seems like you do too...

 

it's possible to reconnect. once MM is out of your head you will be able to let your husband back in. if you're anything like me, i distanced myself and pushed H away as i couldn't love 2 people. i'm feel free of the whole A mess now. give it time, and patience.

 

 

 

Lilly is so right. Even just having one person in your corner in this dog eat dog world is rare and a blessing. Risking losing that will be very scary to you at some point. Knowing Joey close you came to giving up a man that you describe very fondly will hit you. I hope you cling to him and your family. If that is all you ever have in this world , you have everything.

 

If your H finds out about the A or you offer him the truth remember what really matters. You may be the one having to remind him as we have done for you here.

 

Good luck in your healing. Appreciate what you do have because what you don't have is often times a lie of the world.

[Praying4Peace]

OP...right now are you worried at all about what effect this secret will have on your marriage? Do you think you can keep this secret forever? Right now it probably seems like you can because you are in self preservation mode- you are hurt and weak and its the last thing you want to add to your plate.

 

Your exMM's wife at least knows so he's secure in the fact that she still wants to be married to him despite what happened.

 

It's very hard. I'm glad you are reconnecting with your H. Mine just knew too much. It's very very very difficult to not have someone in 'your corner'. It's almost paralyzing to go through this and a D at the same time.

 

Hang in there, it could be worse.

[BrokenPrincess]

Why won't you let go?

 

When xMM first broke NC, you told me that I would go back into the A because I wasn't done yet. And that was right. There was so much I wanted to tell him, to ask him, wishing we could go back to how it was before DDay. Everything just felt like it had been ripped apart prematurely. So we tried again as underground APs and it just didn't work. But, despite all the heartache I am feeling now, I do at least feel some comfort that we did finally get to have those conversations. I feel like I am finally ready to let go and move on, even though it hurts like hell on every level.

 

I never wrote a response. I went into our account today. He hasn't logged on since he sent the Goodbye, and I don't care. I sent a few of the emails to another account that I use for journaling, just in case I ever want to look again. It made me MAD to see the emails from just a week ago from him referencing how I need to come, things he wants to do together, dates, etc. GRRRR

 

So I didn't close our shared account but did completely clean it out.

 

I also went back and read the journaling I started at the beginning of the A last year. From the highest highs to the lowest lows. Reading my words right after DDay was heartbreaking. And the anxiety and stress of the intermittent posts while we've been back on. It was very clear it wasn't working.

 

My next cleansing step is my closet. This morning I stumbled upon the dress I was wearing the first night we kissed, and I felt sick to my stomach and started crying again. Need to get everything that reminds me of MM out of there. I have the house to myself tonight so I'm going to do it then because I'm sure it's going to be emotional with all the memories. Just hoping I can be strong enough to at least pack them up.

[BrokenPrincess]

OP...right now are you worried at all about what effect this secret will have on your marriage? Do you think you can keep this secret forever? Right now it probably seems like you can because you are in self preservation mode- you are hurt and weak and its the last thing you want to add to your plate.

 

Your exMM's wife at least knows so he's secure in the fact that she still wants to be married to him despite what happened.

 

My exMM's wife actually only knows that there was inappropriate texting and messaging via the game we played together. He refused to let her see any of the messages. After a few weeks post DDay, she has not pressed for more questions and they never discuss the A. She does not know the extent of the EA (video calls every day, hours & hours of phone calls, pictures, etc the usual), much less that it was a PA. He says that the fact that she doesnt know about the physical part is the only reason he's still in the house. So I guess he still has some uncertainty too if the full truth ever came out.

 

I still have grieving to do, but I am done being the OW. This tremendously painful experience has changed me, and I don't want to do it again. I don't know if I can keep the secret forever. These past few weeks the guilt has been hard and of course a big part of me wants to tell him because it is not natural for me to have a secret from him. I don't want to hurt him worse than I have already. My emotions are still all over the place. More than anything, I just want to erase that it ever happened, block it all out, and just move on.

[BrokenPrincess]

BP, I think you need to come clean with your husband, for several different reasons.

 

So you won't be hiding this secret and living in fear that it's going to come out. For all you know, the BS has been secretly gathering her info and is going to blow to your husband. And your husband, (you said he was a good man) deserves the truth, hon. If you don't come clean, how are you going to live an authentic life? Also, in order to fix this hole inside of yourself, you need to be open and honest with your husband. He can't help you if he doesn't know. Yes it's a risk to tell him, but you've already risked it all anyway by having the affair, he just doesn't know it yet.

 

Have you found a new therapist yet?

 

Hugs..........

 

I don't think she has. It's been 7 months since D-Day, it seems like she would've at least challenged xMM on it. I think they just want to move on from the whole thing too. I hear what you're saying and I get it, but I feel like he shouldn't have to help me. I should fix it myself.

 

I called my new insurance yesterday and was still trying to find a therapist today but got really discouraged. They all seemed new age or religious, so I called the one I spoke to a few months ago. She was able to get me in on Thursday, so figured that was at least a step in the right direction. I even checked with a local group I'm in, and there were 6 people who highly recommended the same guy...I got excited to give him a call then realized it's the guy my college roommate just married last year. Small world :/

[BrokenPrincess]

OMG, you love this stuff. At this rate you will never get over this. Re-reading old emails is as good as contact. It sets you back to day 1. Everything you do always sends you back to day 1. You may never recover if you do not tell your H.

 

But, you will never tell your H because you are afraid he may leave you. Or you are afraid your H will talk to your OM. That would be the last nail on the coffin. So you will live in a non authentic manner for the rest of your life.

 

I feel very bad for you. I wish I could make you see the light but you are lost!

 

Excuse the harsh words, but I see you going in circles.

 

No it didn't feel like day 1 at all but it is done now and I feel fine. Pictures & gifts are in the trash and that felt good. I don't think I was ready to accept that it was over when I first came here after DDay.

 

You know even when we were in NC I would still check out his social media. Now I haven't even felt the urge to look since I got the goodbye letter.

 

I don't know what you mean by the last nail in the coffin, but if I tell my H, why would I be scared of him talking to MM? And yes, it is possible I may live a non-authentic life. We'll see

[Summer Breeze]

No it didn't feel like day 1 at all but it is done now and I feel fine. Pictures & gifts are in the trash and that felt good. I don't think I was ready to accept that it was over when I first came here after DDay.

 

You know even when we were in NC I would still check out his social media. Now I haven't even felt the urge to look since I got the goodbye letter.

 

I don't know what you mean by the last nail in the coffin, but if I tell my H, why would I be scared of him talking to MM? And yes, it is possible I may live a non-authentic life. We'll see

 

You may be lost BP but I think you're finding your way and that's very good with respect to what you've gone through recently.

 

As far as reading old emails and stuff putting you back to day 1. Nope. I am one who loves to go back and read who I was when I wrote something. I see how far I've come and sometimes how far I haven't come. I don't get rid of photos and emails. I have notes from guys when I was in elementary school with talking about holding hands at the swing. Doesn't mean I'm pining for them. I find it very therapeutic to journal and read, and sometimes reading old emails is just as important for me. I do tend to get rid of physical reminders. You mentioned your dress. I had things too that I culled from my day to day life. I think I'm just saying -- I getcha BP. We don't all heal the same way.

 

I do agree with telling your H but that's your decision to make. I worry that if he finds out years down the line it becomes too big an issue for him to recover from. Maybe you need to get yourself strong before you can face it though. You're not a dumb woman and I know you'll look at all sides. It seems so good to hear you sounding strong again.

[Wellington]

BP,

 

My heart breaks for what you are going through. It hurts, very badly right now. Take your moments, cry when you need to, take time to yourself. I went through it all. I was heartbroken when he ended things, but he never said goodbye, he just put me on permanent hold without warning. We had been almost 2mos of NC then, all of a sudden, he came back. Again. Pouring on the charm without a valid explanation of where he had been. I was so tired of the repetitive nature of our "relationship", the YOYO effect, the uncertainty, the long lapses in communication, the empty I love you's. It got to be too much that after this last return into my world, I felt nothing. Instead of putting him on a pedestal, I used this past round of NC to look at all the negatives and it helped me see everything from a different perspective. It also made me REALLY want to exact revenge by messing with HIS head this time. . I won't, but I really want to!! Lol

 

It's a shame that hearts don't use logic. We would all be in a far better place when these relationships end, but it WILL get better!! Believe that!! ((Hugs))

[Wellington]

Absolutely Pierre. You are correct. I will accept my part for the two years I allowed it to go on. I have since left my husband.

 

I was doing great without him. Had accepted the finality of it all and just recently, he came back. Full force. Wanting to see me. Wanting it all back. I don't understand why he wants it all back again after such a lengthy absence. I don't understand the lapses in communication, only to come back so strong. I haven't been engaging him too much and wondering if my aloofness is making him try harder? Either way, Im done with him. He is still married although he doesn't seem to care. I don't get it.