cbc22 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Hi everyone, I am really hoping to gain some insight into what is going on with my boyfriend at the moment... I apologize in advance if this is wordy, but I am trying to give all the details so you can help me draw a logical conclusion.. My SO and I have been dating for nearly three months now. We met in a rather unconventional way, and hit it off rather instantly I would say. He is older (I am in my early twenties, he is nearly 30). We see eachother roughly once or twice a week depending on the week, due to other responsibilities/work/etc. That has been fine with me as I don't believe we NEED to see eachother all of the time, however I do enjoy constant (or almost constant...) communication even when we are not near eachother. I look forward to seeing him, and I do sometimes wish it were more frequent. Neither one of us are big on talking on the phone, so we chat at least once a day but are generally always texting... We both have already discussed that we want this to eventually go somewhere, that we both want the same things down the road, and truthfully YES i can honestly say i would marry this man in a few years. He has suggested similar things, and I believe we are the on the same page with what we eventually want. He has always been very tentative with maintaining contact, seeing me when he has a free moment, being cute with how he treats me, etc. Overall, I know he is a good guy. Here lies a few of my tiny concerns over the past two weeks: He was married once before... And has a four year old daughter. (Who he is a really wonderful dad too, which I find to be an attractive qualirty!) He lives nearly an hour away from me, and has regularly made the trip to come see me on the days when he doesn't have his daughter. I have yet to go to his house. He has only recently confessed that hes not ready for me to meet his daughter. Which I completely understand. But I still have yet to go to his house when he DOESNT have his daughter... I know he's a very honest person with me and I KNOW it's not like he has a girlfriend/wife/whatever with him over in his town. But sometimes I'm wondering... Why haven't I been there if he has already discussed us eventually living together, etc? He has even gone as far as to make references about us living together in the near future, that he would be interested in that happening "soon", etc... And yet, I still have not been to his house/town. He's even gone as far as making references to job openings for me where he lives. But I've never seen where he lives. Why is this?... Our twice a week hanging out has diminished to once a week over the past two weeks... Two of the days when we normally would see eachother as we were both free to do so, he couldn't for whatever reason or another. Granted, I believe these were valid reasons. But still, they kinda seemed a little like... Really? Can't hang out cause of THAT?... Granted, he does not have any alone time as his post-work hours are divided between him taking care of his daughter or him being with me if i'm free. So if he wanted to just be alone with himself or a friend, I am understanding enough that all he had to do was say that and I would say "Okay great I get it"... He has recently been a little LESS contact-y, messaging, calling, chatting, a little less happy overall. It has only been a slight change, but I feel I'm very keen on any relationship changes due to past experiences. Our little mini convos about what we eventually want have also kinda ceased... I believe ALL of these concerns of mine stem from stress he is enduring at work with new changes that are really significantly affected him financially. I do feel he is the type to pull away when he feels "wounded" (from his job), and wants alone time to crawl into his man cave... He has admitted to me that he can be awful at communicating how he feels at times. I am nearly positive that in the back of his mind he's thinking "OH ****, I have this daughter, and this girl I eventually wanna marry, and my job is sucking, and its overwhelming, and how am I gonna juggle everything and get what I want in the end..?". He has made several comments lately about how if this baggage of his is too much for me that he would understand. His baggage is not too much for me. His daughter, ex-marriage, job situation, none of it is too much for me because I care about him and love him and want to be in his life. I have already considered all the possibilities, and being in my early twenties and accepting the fact that I will eventually be a step-mother to his daughter doesn't even weird me out. The thought of us having all the things we have discussed excites me, and I want nothing more than that... However, I also don't wanna be blind and stupid and have **** hit the fan with me getting crushed in the end. Not that I believe that it will happen, but life has a crazy way of doing that I suppose... It should also be noted that I have met his brother once in the past three months we've been dating. Other than that, no family or friends... But there really haven't been any good "opportunities" for that I suppose... Am I missing something here? I hope thats enough pertinent information... I can probably think of more examples if needed. I dont know if I'm just being a paranoid female or if I have basis for concern. Thanks.
MidwestUSA Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You're moving WAY too fast. Discussing the "future" with someone at the three month mark? He's backing off. If you want to continue, lighten up, have fun, but don't push him to introduce you around. And don't worry that he's cut down on contact. I have yet to figure out what exactly it is couples "text" about all day, and what they could possibly have left to discuss in person. Not to mention, it's unclear how anyone holds down a job when this constant contact is demanded by their significant other. Enjoy what should be your "honeymoon" phase of dating. Good luck! 2
Poppy fields Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You have only been dating 3 months, you enjoy ''constant" contact, you only see each other sporadically at best, he has baggage...I think you are moving WAY too fast, and he might have started to freak out about it a bit. Take a step back and see what happens.
MidwestUSA Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 PS: I hope you are ABSOLUTELY SURE that there is no wife/GF in the picture. 1
ses Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I'm in my mid-20's, and have never dated a guy with kids but did go out on a group date with one. I wouldn't press him on meeting his daughter so soon. I think he's in the right to take the relationship slowly. Your relationship is still in the early honeymoon stage, and you should use this time to get to know him better. Don't try to put this relationship on full throttle. It's been only 3 months. Take it easy, give him time, and enjoy what you have in this moment. If I had a child, I wouldn't introduce him or her to a significant other for at least 6 months, and it would have to be a serious relationship with the prospect of marriage down the road. I remember when my father was dating his now-wife (my stepmother). He was recently separated from my mother and it was such a confusing and difficult period for me; I didn't know how to react. I wouldn't have liked it if my father introduced my sister and I to a bunch of women within a short time frame. Don't try to play the mother role yet. It may be great to fantasize about marriage with him but I would remain grounded. He may enjoy the possibility of moving in and marrying you, but I wouldn't rush anything unless you all are engaged. Continue spending time with him. If his behavior has changed I would call and ask.
Author cbc22 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I dont require constant contact, but being that we have a semi long-distance relationship right now, we have both admitted that its nice that we kinda maintain contact for a majority of the day... It's nice to know that we're thinking of eachother. We don't constantly just text nonsense all day, but little things... I think it's important. Plus, being that we have already had that and he has been the one to kinda start that whole contant-communication thing, I have been the one to notice it SLIGHTLY diminish... It's still there. But I absolutely feel like he's stressed and his priorities have been focused on other things-- As they should be because I can only imagine what hes going through job-wise... But at the same time, how is a relationship supposed to grow on one day a week of seeing eachother? Or am I wrong there? I'm just hoping thats the reasoning, and not something else... I dont wanna wake up one morning and he's like "yeah I cant juggle all this" and im just left there with the "wtf how did I not see that coming?" face... I dont want to meet his daughter right now, I do understand why I'm not. It's more the fact that I don't necessarily feel like I'm "introduced" into his life as much as I should be... For example, just BEING at his house when his daughter isn't even there hasnt happened yet. He has made references to when I meet her, and all these other things... But I know hes nervous about it. He reassures me that I'm a special part of his life... But, even like tonight, we could have hung out, and we aren't...... I do feel like he sometimes keeps me at bay when I want to jump in and make things better. For example, one day when he was upset about his job he didn't wanna come out to see me, or really talk at all that day... He definitely closes himself off sometimes... Again, I'm in no way trying to rush things. I just want to know theres potential in this and that in 6 months I won't still be seeing him JUST one day a week... I have seriously considered the gf/wife scenario. I have considered many scenarios, actually. That is one of them. But it just doesnt seem logical as he calls me when hes home, when hes out, when hes with his daughter (And I've even talked to his daugter on the phone..)... and met his brother... So. Chances are theres no other girl, as he wouldn't really have the time for one..
Poppy fields Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 What specifically are you asking then? How can we be of help to you?
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