lovingcaringnj Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) I have been on here reading threads for over a year. Some info I read is to the Tee but every situation is different though. I am not the best writer and I don't where to start. Hopefully some of you can pull this out of me. What I need now is to make friends, establish relationships for what I have been going through...people who / have gone through Separation / Divorce. My story may be unique...just don't know how to summarize it. Are there any support groups in NJ. I am more of personable person than to write. Mark Edited May 4, 2013 by lovingcaringnj
TheBladeRunner Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Hi Mark, welcome to the LoveShack "joint", I really like this place and it has helped me immensely! There are some great folks and a ton of good advice. As far as support groups in your area, just Google em' and I bet a ton will crop up. Not sure if you have Bruce Fisher Rebuilder's groups in your area, but I did one here where I live and it was the best $400.00 I ever spent. As far as what to lay out, the cool thing about this place is that you can put out whatever you want. Here's a simple question to get you started: What happened? Did you just grow apart? Was there an affair? Any kids involved? Spill your guts if you want to, you're anonymous here . Whatever it is, just stay positive and you will get through; for me, I'm separated and the divorce will be final the end of May. It wasn't easy at first, it never is, but eight months after leaving the house after I discovered mine was cheating, I can honestly say I'm doing OK these days. 1
ALAACJ Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Just start writing. Share some of it. Don't share some of it. But write. For me writing everything down has been cathartic and enlightening. Nobody here will judge. 2
Author lovingcaringnj Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 This took me some time and there is more! As I wrote this I did cry and don't care if I am guy. I am a human being and have feelings. Really look forward to the support. I have tons of questions to ask. Here we go. I was married the 1st time out of high school. We were best friends before we were lovers, perfect! 10 years total, 8 yrs together, 2 yrs married into that relationship I came home to “I love you, Not in love you” yes, there was someone else and I knew for 3 months before. I felt that in my heart. She even told me before that we did not spend much time with each other which I guess she felt lonely. At that time I had a large group of friends and family. Getting over that was painful but I got through it quick. I was in my mid 20’s and realized I will find someone who can respect & love me and not bail on our marriage. Keep in mind my 1st wife left when my father just passed away, what a blow that was for me! I knew at that time if I can get through that I can overcome anything! Moving forward I met my present wife on Match.Com. We hit it off. I was confident, assertive and knew what I wanted in my life at the age of 27. She was everything I wanted in a partner at that time. We have 2 great kids 13 & 8. I miss them dearly. The running around and broken objects really kills me. The now live in a Apartment where they are not allowed to be themselves. I am heartbroken over this! We were having some issue’s for the last 5 years though. Nothing bad but we were arguing but yet we would make up and everything was good so I thought. About 2 years ago I woke up out of a cold sweat and believed she was cheating or fell completely out of love with me. These feelings I felt were the same feelings I felt with my 1st wife except this time I was not afraid to ask the questions because I believed this time if there was an issue and was caught in time we can get through it. Every Time I would approach my wife with how are we doing, asking for quality time and trying to do date nights it was complete struggle and she would lash out at me and shut down. She especially hated when I asked her if she was in love with me or are you attracted to me! I never got concrete answers from her in the house and she would immediately tell me I was badgering her. I knew something was up but could never find the evidence to prove it. I did have circumstantial evidence though (more on that later). I always thought when a women does not love you the sex would stop like it did in my first marriage that was not the case in this marriage....more later on that also. Sept of 2012 I finally realized / felt she was using me and just staying for convenience because she did not have to pay for anything. The $50,000.00 she earned a year was play money for her. Reasons Below. I wound up getting sick 4 years ago and was rushed to ER. She was not even there for me. (There are more cases like this over the years) My mother became very ill, she lives in the house with me so moved her downstairs to care for her until I figure out later what I can do. My wife would not even help me. I have no brothers / sisters so everything was on my plate. I had to care for her because before my dad passed away some 16 years ago I promised him I would take care of my mother. My mom was there for me and helped through the process with my 1st wife. So I was not going to let her die without fighting for her health. These items and there are more like this made me realize I was with the wrong women but I was in love with her and we have 2 kids and family is very important to me! Now, keep in mind I paid for my wife’s college education, new cars paid in cash, no mortgage what I fool I was! Anyway back to 9/2012 I finally stood up for myself and told her unless she tells me the truth and starts to respect me she needs to go. She went crying to her father because she did want out but could not afford it so he enabled her and found an apartment for her & kids 3 miles from the house. I was heartbroken, filled with guilt because I felt I should have kept my mouth shut. So I decided to fight for our marriage again made some personal changes so that maybe I will become more attractive to her. She finally came to me and said she wanted this marriage to work and everything was ok until I asked her if she would wear her ring again, hang the wedding pictures. She said “ I want a new ring in time” the old rings are bad memories for me. I told myself this is BS there is no way this woman loves me. She is just keep me around until something better comes along. The sex never stopped and to be honest we were building a much better relationship while she was in the apartment. We spent time as a couple that we did not do in the house but I still had this empty feeling in my self every time, every minute. She would constantly try find fault in everything with me and she has never been a person to take responsibility for herself. Once a week she would kick me out of the apartment that she gave me a key to. She would talk about Space, Freedom even tell me to find someone else. This was crushing to hear from her because on the other side of her mouth she would tell me how much she was in love with me and that spark is there in the marriage and there are deep feelings for me and that I am the only man for her. I would keep telling myself I am doormat Plan B If you want the marriage you not find fault when you wanted to kick me out to have space. She would constantly say “This is My life I am going to live it my way” There is more but the last 2 weeks has been bad. Her behavior is uncalled for and to me I think she is interested in someone else. Right now I am staying away from her. I am losing the love I have for her. I think this is a toxic / unhealthy relationship. She blames me for everything and turns everything around on me. I have done everything for this women. I just sit here and wonder why she throws me to the curb then wants me back. I still have the key to her apartment...she has not asked for it back yet. I deserve better I keep telling myself. She has taken all the self confidence, assertiveness out of me. I am having a tough time getting off my butt and living my life after work. As far as I am concerned the marriage was over 3 years ago there are still too many unanswered questions. She still coils up and runs the other directions when faced with the truth. What did for me was the other day I was there because she wanted me and I was using her PC and found match.com in her history file. The only way she could get to this article was if she was interested in dating. I realized at that moment there was nothing I can do anymore and felt so bad for kids. Right there then all those feelings I have been feeling for the last 3 years really confirmed it for me. I feel used, crushed, taken advantage of & ETC. We have no contact now for 4 days the longest ever in 15 years. There is a part of me that wants to feel nothing and move on immediately. I miss the romantic dinners, movies & conversation. I am a old fashion kind of guy. I still hold doors open for women, bring flowers & etc. I would like to find someone to share these things with but I feel my present wife raped all these qualitys from me. History about my “STBXW” She came from a broken home. Her father was a drunk in her early years, her mother left her at the age of 6. She cannot sustain a friendship till this day. I have noticed she does not get along with the same sex. If you ask me “ Mark, are you still in love with this women?” yes I am because when it’s good it’s really good but when it’s bad it is BAD! I realize now after 15-16 years that my first marriage was very mature and my ex than did the right thing. She was honest and cared about the outcome so she closed the door and did not take advantage of me. Today I have no respect for my present wife but my feelings are true for some stupid reason. Maybe, I am codependent? I really need help! I have visited with a counslense and we did 4 sessions with a marriage counselor until she threw me under the bus and did not take responsibility for her failures in the marriage. Everything is about her and what she wants! I ask everyday to god to drop an angel in front of me. It is so bad that I cannot even focus on my kids right now because I need to get myself in a better place, that is difficult because everyday I wake up to a dying mother and it very depressing for me. I deserve better, better life! I want the weight taken off my shoulders! I have done the 180 now for 5 days but I don’t feel any better. I feel from the 1st failure I would have been smarter and this would be easier but it is not! What do you think? My first failure, what helped me was freinds? I have enough strength to make that happen now. I am interested in what the ladies think also. I hope they chime in because this experience has taken all my confidence away! I know in myself I am a great person with so much to give other than material things. I have strong values, morals & family values. Thank you for taking the time. Mark 3
Techie Artist Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Well, Mark, once you start spilling, you get it out! Good for you!! This will help you to obtain good advice and sounding boards on LS. I'm sorry for your ailing mother, but you are doing right by her and your father's wishes. Hold your head high for that! It seems that your STBXW has pointed out all your faults in the marriage without acknowledging her own role in its failures. She is not ever going to meet you with equal effort until she looks in the mirror. Even the most lopsided of relationships requires both parties to consider their actions or reactions. Sounds like you have some $ to spare, and she likes to take it off your hands. You've noticed your own actions and her reactions. So, was she a material girl before, or is she milking you out of vengeance? I have lots of other thoughts on your post, but wanted to start with this. 1
Author lovingcaringnj Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Well, Mark, once you start spilling, you get it out! Good for you!! This will help you to obtain good advice and sounding boards on LS. I'm sorry for your ailing mother, but you are doing right by her and your father's wishes. Hold your head high for that! It seems that your STBXW has pointed out all your faults in the marriage without acknowledging her own role in its failures. She is not ever going to meet you with equal effort until she looks in the mirror. Even the most lopsided of relationships requires both parties to consider their actions or reactions. Sounds like you have some $ to spare, and she likes to take it off your hands. You've noticed your own actions and her reactions. So, was she a material girl before, or is she milking you out of vengeance? I have lots of other thoughts on your post, but wanted to start with this. Techie Artist, Thank you for taking the time out. My dear aunt who has been there for me has told me she is all about material possessions. Looking back now I have to agree, even during this 6 month time everything is about money and wanting the items other couples have. I do believe she was a material girl before and still is. IE: She has Acura TSX 2012 which gets great gas mileage but when she see's a new Camaro she responds with "I want that car" knowing she cannot afford the gas. She came from a poor / cheap background and has huge dreams but she is not willing to work for it either. There is definitely quite a bit resentment towards me. She constantly brings up the last 7 years complaining how miserable she was. I had now idea how unhappy she was and still do not see why. This women has never paid for anything until the last 6 months because she chose to move out! Last night I went for the first time to a "Lock N Key" event. My dear friend who I knew from my 1st marriage has been asking me to go and help her because she runs this events for a 2nd income. I had 5 women come up to me aging from 35 to 55 asking how come I am not playing. I replied with I am not ready and was here to assist my friend with the event. They were all interested in my story and told me there was nothing wrong with me and I am sweet guy. Too be honest though my heart was still stuck in this marriage and somewhat had to decline anything further:) Mark
Techie Artist Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 So why do you have a key to her apartment? Do you finance it? Do you handle errands for her? Why do you need access to her space?
GuyInLimbo Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Mark, I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound incredibly depressed and, I think, your self-esteem is in the toilet. Forget about MC. You need long-term IC right now. Not to mention the hell you are going through with your mother. I'm very sorry about that. I can't imagine that kind of stress. As a guy, I HATE HATE HATE when asked this stuff: "She especially hated when I asked her if she was in love with me or are you attracted to me!" I've had women ask me that in the past, even my wife. It's such a turn-off. Don't do it again! When you are pandering to someone like that, it's over, in my eyes. It's actually pathetic and desperate. But it represents what she's done to you. You're damn right you deserve better. While taking care of your mother, take care of YOU. And also, your kids. Make your kids your priority. They need you.
Author lovingcaringnj Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 So why do you have a key to her apartment? Do you finance it? Do you handle errands for her? Why do you need access to her space? We were making it work. She wanted to R after she moved out and we were doing date nights & such, when Valentines Day came the key was gift from her. See, all this does not make sense to me why in the world she would go out of her way to have me there. I have no financial obligations other than my kids.
Deerhunter Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Was she previously married? Sounds like she is all about money and material things. It may be time to show her tough love. When you go to pick up your kids, give the key back to her and act cold but friendly. Don't ask her anything and answer her with very short answers. Do not let her control you. This will be tough as you care and love this woman but you have to stand your ground. Don't contact her unless its about the kids. Don't answer her calls right away if at all. Only if its about the kids. Let the wheels start turning in her head.
Techie Artist Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 We were making it work. She wanted to R after she moved out and we were doing date nights & such, when Valentines Day came the key was gift from her. See, all this does not make sense to me why in the world she would go out of her way to have me there. I have no financial obligations other than my kids. Wow...beats me. There are a lot of mixed signals here.
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