bbg1 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I am a firm believer in the past is the past mantra, and this is why I never like to get into details of the past too much. Its just not healthy. I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 months, and it is long distance (started that way). We met on vacation together and had amazing chemistry from the start. We see each other once a month and talk every night. We are head over heels for each other and are making plans to be closer in the next few months. She mentioned to me at one point that she was in an "emailing" relationship with a much older guy with kids while we met. I never thought anything of it as it ended supposedly after we met. I never asked or knew details. The other day I asked her why she didn't accept a job promotion in another city, and she mentioned family, and that she was concerned about the guy she was in an email relationship working at the same company. I asked, "if its just emails, why the big deal?". Long story short... they slept together on a business trip a few months prior and according to her he was married but separated. Ok, bit of shock to me, but separated.. I can accept that. What I couldn't accept was that she was engaged to her ex-fiance at the time! She claims she was stuck in the relationship and it wasn't going well. Weak excuse imop. Regarding the fornication, she claims she felt bad after and about his wife finding out etc. I never asked more questions, but something didn't make sense to me and at this point I am extremely curious. So I went into her email (I know this is a no no.. but I had to know) and read some correspondences. Some facts.. he was not separated, she knew he was married, she knew his wife who worked at the same company, she pursued him aggressively after the incident (using the she can be his fantasy girl type tactic). She kept this up with him even after he told his wife. I read lines like "I'll be your girlfriend.. mistress is too 80s". They corresponded roughly 5-10 emails a day all the way through til and after she met me (they lived in different cities). It seemed the guy was trying to make things work with his wife, but she kept it up with him and he as well. At this point I am like "Who the hell am I dating?!". Lines like "I've never felt this way about anyone before" shocked me a bit since she's dropped that on me many times... hard to believe it at this point. I am a bit devastated and its extremely difficult to think of her in the same way now. I just can't let the "past be past" hold true here and I am seriously questioning her moral integrity. She has told me she was never single and struggled with faithfulness with past men because she was never really committed. She has been nothing but good to me and acted very appropriately with me. On the surface she is amazing and extremely loving. Now I feel its all an act and her past ways will creep their ugly head. She accomplished something I could NEVER do, since marriage is a line I would never cross. Can anyone tell me how they would feel and react? Am I dealing with a psychologically dysfunctional woman?
tbf Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Can anyone tell me how they would feel and react?I'd ditch her but I'm not a guy. Am I dealing with a psychologically dysfunctional woman?Yes. She has told me she was never single and struggled with faithfulness with past men because she was never really committed.She's told you her pattern, instead of it being a one off instance. Her go-to mechanism when unhappy is to seek it through external validation. She was honest with you but you ignored what she said and put a rosy glow over it. She has been nothing but good to me and acted very appropriately with me. 3
Author bbg1 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 I really convinced myself I was "the exception".. definitely hard to keep that conviction at this point. It always did seem too good to be true. Just extremely disappointed at this moment.
ascendotum Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 For me I don't consider the OW/OM much above the morality of the cheating partner. * She did not feel bad at all for the wife/work college, since she revved things up more after the wife found out (dirty morality + she lied to you). * Seems she's already actually crossed that blurry sneaky relationship barrier, when you say she 'was engaged to her ex-fiance at the time'. If she cheats on her fiance a bf wont get any higher regard. * then you say this..she 'struggled with faithfulness with past men because she was never really committed' So her fiance was not the only one she was unfaithful with. * I know a lot of people probably repeat phrases in their relationships, but knowing 'I've never felt this way about anyone before' is just a hackneyed line from a gf, would make me feel less special. Adding it up, I really don't think she's a good bet. Easy to say, and much harder to comes to terms with when you are in love with the person. If this was my gf, I would see her as less special and I couldn't trust her and the relationship wouldn't go long term.
Author bbg1 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Her relationship with her ex fiance was a very dysfunctional one and obviously they should have never been together. So this may play into her emotional neediness. They both seemed to pursue it at first. Things like "falling for each other" and similar sayings. They reminisced about their first night together a bit and how special it was. The guy would talk about his wife a lot and his family, and how he and his wife are going to work on things. At the same time he was keeping a very open dialogue with her. She would always ask when they are going to see each other next, "even if its for 10 minutes in a motel 6".. with fantasy suggestions. The guy never seemed to be able to make that next meet up happen. He was obviously very torn. The emails stopped 3 weeks after we met. At this point it seems the entire email relationship has been dragged on and she was getting frustrated. Eventually the guy's wife moved out (don't know their current status). This same week she met me. She was still in contact with him after, but nowhere near the level in the first few months of their online relationship. They met up together after me and her met, and after I asked last night, she said they did not sleep together and that was the end of it (according to her there was no chemistry in person). I choose to believe her on this one. At this point I think the only reason things didn't work out was because she really wanted something with this guy, but he was hesitant to leave his wife, and after she met me, she just gave up and latched on to me.
Richard Friedman Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 If she's hot I'd keep nailing her. Don't get invested in this kind of woman though.. 1
ascendotum Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Come dude that wouldn't be right. Its not out of line with her moral standards imo. Its less rotten than you going off to screw other women at your work behind her back whenever you get in a moral quandary over whether you are missing out on life.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 If she's hot I'd keep nailing her. Don't get invested in this kind of woman though.. Yeah, approach this as a FWB and nothing more. Make sure you're talking to other women while doing this though. You don't want to develop feelings for this kind of girl.
Quiet Storm Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I would consider what kind of values and standards she must have to cheat on her fiancé and be the cheating partner to a married man. She doesn't respect commitment. She has poor boundaries. She is not considerate of the feelings of others. It doesn't matter who pursued who. Emotionally healthy women would run from a married guy...she didn't. Why? I don't think she would make a good partner at this time. 1
charlietheginger Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 She just left my house 5 minutes ago i banged her Becuase she said you were buzy with work and not Telling her how pretty she is.... ^^^ above is sarcasm ^^^ But in reality it could have happened and might even Happen not me but with another guy. Are you willing and able to give her validation Everyday ?next 3 yrs? 5yrs? When will your validation not "be enough" Get the picture Stay and be A statistic Leave now and dont be a statistic
USMCHokie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I don't think she would make a good partner at this time. Or ever...
USMCHokie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 fow here, people can change, although it's difficult. I have...........but unfortunately your gf has not. If she had changed and was remorseful for her past, she would not have lied to you about it, instead she lied, and tried to cover up the real story. She clearly hasn't done the work she needs to do on herself, and likely will repeat the same pattern since she can't even be honest about it. You'd be foolish to continue a relationship with her. Run! So do you think one of the signs of true change is the ability to fully disclose past misconduct...?
ascendotum Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 So do you think one of the signs of true change is the ability to fully disclose past misconduct...? I thinks its a sign of true change, but if someone has admitted something bad about their past and their bf/gf breaks up with them soon after, well chances are they wont be so confessional in the future. I reckon there are a lot of people now in relationships with past cheaters, or others who who had not so respectable behavior in the past, who have no idea. I think most don't want to risk damaging their chances with the new partner (its not a crime) and they will go with, the past is the past and that's irrelevant now to you because I have changed.
USMCHokie Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I thinks its a sign of true change, but if someone has admitted something bad about their past and their bf/gf breaks up with them soon after, well chances are they wont be so confessional in the future. I reckon there are a lot of people now in relationships with past cheaters, or others who who had not so respectable behavior in the past, who have no idea. I think most don't want to risk damaging their chances with the new partner (its not a crime) and they will go with, the past is the past and that's irrelevant now to you because I have changed. That sounds so easy to say for a past cheater. Why even bother changing if they can just say that and get away with it...?
Buttercup84 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I know a girl who lived with her boyfriend and was unhappy with him. She slept with many men during that time, many of whom were married or in relationships. And she knew about it, but did not feel guilty. She bitched about the girls and one guy even left his wife for her. She is now married to someone. Sometimes it makes me wonder, these girls get the guys and get married, while nice faithful girls are ****ing single.
Author bbg1 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Unfortunately, I have developed strong feelings for her and I did see her as someone I would eventually marry. I am 30 and successful and have had several serious relationships. The one thing that kind of bothered me was how different our backgrounds are (education, family, relationships, religion.. she is an atheist where as I am a non-practicing christian). I would look past all these things and think chemistry and how we get along is more important. I often wonder if I am being a blind idiot and this "love" is nothing more than a honeymoon period with her. I wish she didn't bring up anything with me... but she did.
jeni4566 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I won't use her as an FWB. It works if you NEVER had any feelings toward her. But in this case, the OP has deep feelings about this woman. FWB is only going to prolong sufferings. Cut the ties and move on. She's not likely to change who she is. There's nothing worse a woman can do than cheat on a man (eg: fiance) who gave her the utmost respect of wanting her to be his wife. 1
jeni4566 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) Btw, how did you get into her email account? Can you make me a hacker too? I have something I want to do today... Edited May 4, 2013 by jeni4566
Author bbg1 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 The other night she assured me that she could never do anything to hurt me, etc. I want to believe this and given she has acted so well with me, no contact with exes, or any other men since we started dating, its hard to just throw this all away. I know if I end things, I will be in a world of hurt following. I felt this way about one other person and I know how rare it is. Question is can I get over what I know and read?
Author bbg1 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Just an update... the truth came out last night, and she slept with him after she met me (and had sex with me). He came to visit her 1 week before I came to visit and this was their second physical encounter together. This devastated me, and we broke up last night as I know this is something I can not get over if I stayed with her.
crederer Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think any woman that willingly sleeps with a married man has some issues. I think it's some sort of sick way of boosting self esteem like "he likes me more than his wife" kind of thing. My ex used to date a married man. Granted, he fed her a bunch of lies that married guys always do (wife wont divorce, we're both seeing other people, she knows about us, I'll leave her soon, she's a monster and doesn't have sex with me, etc). It was all lies, and she probably knew it but chose to believe it. She has some sort of weird emotional connection to him even though these lies all came out. Which is probably the main reason why she is now my ex. He also played it off that he was this super rich dude. Acted like he was a millionaire and such. He was a sales manager, probably made a comfortable income but it turned out that a) he was fired from his job for spending company credit on dates, and b) his wife was the bread winner in the family, so he was likely spending his wifes money on his young girlfriends. Sorry for jacking the thread a bit there....your girl just reminded me a lot of my ex.
USMCHokie Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Go-to answer from HoneyBadger: Turn her into a FWB, turn her into a FWB, turn her into a FWB. My recommendation (which will be more shocking to HoneyBadger) is to just stop seeing her. Anybody, male or female, who sleeps with a married person has issues. Men tend to not be judged as harshly for sleeping with a married women but any case of this points to bad character. I get the past is the past but the past does reflect on who you are. If she had been very self reflective on why such an event occurred and felt much remorse, I might be giving a different answer. But based on what you said about her, doesnt seem like it. A single person who sees a married person is no different from a married person cheating on their spouse. In the UCMJ, relations between a single person and a married person still constitutes a charge of adultery for the single person.
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