tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 So this is a super bizarre experience, and the only explanation I can come up with is that because the girl has never had a serious relationship, she's just insane. So this girl and I have been hanging out for a few months now. On the surface, it looks like we're dating. We go out, go to functions together, go to weddings together, etc, etc. She also makes it known we are out together by posting on Facebook and other things - pictures of us kissing, etc. But we have never talked about whether we are dating or not. I have told my friends that we are just friends. So last night, we went out to celebrate the end of second semester and we met with some of my friends. They had been drinking and a few asked her if we were dating and how long, etc. She kind of laughed it off and seemed fine and stayed out with me until late. This morning, she texted me and said we could no longer hang out alone and only in group settings, which we have never done before. I told her absolutely not, that I wanted no part of some half-friendship. If she is so embarrassed at the idea of us being suspected of dating, why would she even want to be around me? Why would she go to lengths to make it known publicly we were hanging out? I gave her an ultimatum and said I was not going to only see her in groups, but I am kind of angry at her behavior.
clia Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Your post makes no sense. So this is a super bizarre experience, and the only explanation I can come up with is that because the girl has never had a serious relationship, she's just insane. So this girl and I have been hanging out for a few months now. On the surface, it looks like we're dating. We go out, go to functions together, go to weddings together, etc, etc. She also makes it known we are out together by posting on Facebook and other things - pictures of us kissing, etc. But we have never talked about whether we are dating or not. What do you think dating means? If you are going out to functions together, going to weddings together, hanging out, going out, and kissing, then you two are dating. I have told my friends that we are just friends. Do you kiss all your friends? So last night, we went out to celebrate the end of second semester and we met with some of my friends. They had been drinking and a few asked her if we were dating and how long, etc. She kind of laughed it off and seemed fine and stayed out with me until late. Okay, fine. Why are your friends asking her these questions instead of you? Maybe she felt uncomfortable, so she just blew it off. This morning, she texted me and said we could no longer hang out alone and only in group settings, which we have never done before. Maybe she found out that you were telling everyone the two of you were just friends so she decided you should act like you were just friends. I told her absolutely not, that I wanted no part of some half-friendship. This is where you lost me. Aren't you the one telling your friends that the two of you aren't dating and are just friends? If she is so embarrassed at the idea of us being suspected of dating, why would she even want to be around me? Why would she go to lengths to make it known publicly we were hanging out? If she's posting pictures and statuses about the two of you on Facebook, she's not embarrassed. She probably just felt it was not her place to tell your friends about your dating situation, especially since you are telling them the two of you are only friends and are not dating. I gave her an ultimatum and said I was not going to only see her in groups, but I am kind of angry at her behavior. So you can dish it out but you can't take it? If you want her to be your girlfriend, then ask her. If you don't, then I don't blame her for not wanting to engage in your half-baked "just friends" status anymore. 3
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 She is the one that said she always referred to us as friends to other people. At no point did she say anything otherwise. She told me we should hang out just in groups as friends so people would stop asking questions and so my friends and I wouldn't have the wrong impression. I responded by saying I was never under the wrong impression. She made it clear she does not want to date in saying everything but, so I never pushed the envelope. I enjoyed her company and we got along well together, so why push it? The "half" friendship I was referring to was the group only deal, because we have never ever done that in the past, so why start now? I have no interest in hanging out with her in a group. Hell, last night was first time we did that, and this happened. Somehow asking her now to be my girlfriend after what she just went on saying seems to be a poor decision unless this is some sort of reverse psychology on her part. I liked what we had going, but it seems like it is now gone unless this all blows over this weekend.
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Since February. Our "friendship" or whatever it is started when we met through friends and she asked me to go to our law school ball with her. And yeah, we are both in our early/mid twenties.
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 One thing is that you think you're only friends with her. Yet you have kissed her . Perhaps you even had sex together. If you had sex with her and you're not dating then it's a FWB. If it's a FWB then she will get uncomfortable telling people. If you went out her for several months it's time to ask for commitment or to ask to actually date? LOL Also if you're only friends you can date other women. I would say sure we can only hangout in groups, however then I would like to date other women since you told me we are only friends. She might be fear of rejection of the deal you been with her for at least 3 months it's time to commit on some level I think, that's what she probably wants but women works in strange ways by giving you hints that most men can't figure out. Fear of rejection of what? We haven't had sex. But she's not trying to keep the two of us a secret by putting our lives on social media. Which is why this is so bizarre to me that she's suddenly upset that my friends asked her if we were dating. As for dating others, I am sure I could. Neither one of us brought up other people when we are together. In fact, she said she rarely goes out if she isn't with me. She very well could have been making hints, but I still don't understand why she suddenly does not want to see each other one on one anymore. I guess I could try to have that conversation about what we are, but I feel like it would be incredibly awkward, especially after what she said today.
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 I really don't know what's going on. I get she was annoying that all my drunk friends were hounding her about it for a while, but she's made so many signs, if I had to interpret them, that we were actually dating. Sure, I didn't man up and ask, but this reaction came from nowhere. So I literally have no idea what to do next. Talk to her about it? Leave her alone and she if she comes to me? The last interaction we had was this morning when I told her I was not cool with just hanging out in groups given how we never have before and she had to decide what she wanted, and she never responded.
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 it's depends how you feel about her and what you want. Do you love her? Do you want a relationship with her? Don't text her ask her over the phone. If she rejects you then I think you should date other people? I honestly think 3 or 4 months is long enough to figure out want you want to with her. Anyways it is unclear where you heading with her I honestly think you have nothing to lose. I don't like this situation at all. No, I don't love her. I enjoy being with her when we are together, but I am not in love with her in the slightest. If she rejects me, that's fine, I will miss her but life goes on. This whole episode has been extremely unattractive anyway. I don't want to deal with people like this.
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 No, it's not. She's basically blaming me for the actions she caused and some silly things a bunch of people said last night. So if that's the way she wants it, fine.
MidwestUSA Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 No, it's not. She's basically blaming me for the actions she caused and some silly things a bunch of people said last night. So if that's the way she wants it, fine. Well, as Phillydude would say THE END 1
hppr Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 If you aren't that into her, don't particularly enjoy her company, don't 'love her' then the solution is simple: goodbye!
Author tart6245 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 If you aren't that into her, don't particularly enjoy her company, don't 'love her' then the solution is simple: goodbye! Oh I enjoy her company. But the way she's acting now is just insane and completely uncalled for. Last night she even got a free dinner and drinks until she left from one of my friends, and all she could do today is complain about being asked questions. Ridiculous. If she was uncomfortable, she can be open with me about it, and I wouldn't take her around them anymore instead of canceling all our future plans and going into hibernation.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I agree with those who say that if you are going out to functions and places like that together kissing, and having sexual contact (even if it's not full on intercourse) you were dating. That's what dating is. You're friends, you are intimate physically and emotionally. No commitments or even exclusivity are needed just to casually date someone. These days that's called a FWB but who care's to label it. I take it by "dating" you mean exclusive BF and GF as the younger set thinks of it. I am in a similar place to you right now. I am mixed up with a fine and wonderful young woman who treats me one way in front of one set of people and a different way in front of another set of people. The thing is she is not sure she wants to be all known as an "official" couple with you.
Author tart6245 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Yeah, I don't know if this is a ploy to make me commit or that she realized last night we were actually dating and needed to slow down. She just said the only remedy to our problem was to stop seeing each other outside of groups and all our "questionable behavior" will cease. I may try to talk to her monday if she does not respond to me over the weekend and basically tell her what I have said. If she says that's the only way then it's goodbye, nice knowing you, it was fun. If she isn't clear with me what she wants, I'm done, and it's not going to continue with some sort of chase. I have plenty of people who like me, and if she doesn't or is ashamed by me, so be it. Her loss.
somedude81 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 You haven't answered my question a few posts back. What do you want from this girl?
Author tart6245 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 You haven't answered my question a few posts back. What do you want from this girl? I just want to get along. I enjoy her company and now it's been blown up over something silly. This reaction is so far off.
Author tart6245 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 At this point, I am leaning towards just letting this go rather than talking to her again Monday if she doesn't respond before then. She was a good friend and I will miss her, but frankly, I do not intend to get into a chase and I have no intention of being friends with restrictions. If she wants to talk, she knows where to find me. I have certainly ruled out asking her if she wants to date. I can't imagine this is what she wants me to do. 1
somedude81 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Just tell her that you don't want to be anything more than friends with her and that the times you kissed were a mistake. You just want to be her buddy again.
Author tart6245 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Just tell her that you don't want to be anything more than friends with her and that the times you kissed were a mistake. You just want to be her buddy again. She was the one that initiated all of the things we've done that are what couples do. I never once crossed the line myself. I will think about talking to her monday when she gets back to town, but I am really leaning towards just letting it go. If she wants to talk about it or change her strategy, she knows where to find me. I told her Friday I was unwilling to be friends if it meant we could only hang out in groups though. We don't even share mutual friends.
Author tart6245 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) One thing I've noticed is the less I act like I care, the more the girl wants my attention. I think I will just revert back to that type of behavior and abandon trying to define us or even contact her this week to see what she's feeling after a few days have passed. The only reason I started acted like I cared was because she started telling me I should be "nicer" and act like I care about her when she wanted sympathy from me over stupid things like getting a bad haircut. I really have no idea what she wants/wanted from me. Edited May 6, 2013 by tarheelian
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