NoDifference Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I’m not proud of myself for looking, I’m actually horribly ashamed and embarrassed that I did it, because I’m generally a pretty secure, confident person… but I suspected my boyfriend of almost 10 years wasn’t being entirely truthful with me and I went through his phone last night, and ended up finding an incriminating email sent to him. After reading it, it was obvious that her message to him was that he had broken her heart somehow. Like I said, I’m not proud of myself; but mixed with the feelings of betrayal and horror that my worst fears had come true, was an overwhelming sense of relief that I WASN’T CRAZY like he kept telling me that I was. My question is... Should I contact her to see how long it went on? I don't think he'll be honest with me and I feel like I need confirmation that I'm not crazy. I don't want any kind of confrontation with this woman, I just need the truth. I actually feel sorry for the poor girl because it appears from the email that he never told her about me. (I believe the woman lives in another state). FYI, I'm breaking up with him regardless of whether either of them tells me the truth. I obviously can't trust him, I just want answers. 4
youngnlove89 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I’m not proud of myself for looking, I’m actually horribly ashamed and embarrassed that I did it, because I’m generally a pretty secure, confident person… but I suspected my boyfriend of almost 10 years wasn’t being entirely truthful with me and I went through his phone last night, and ended up finding an incriminating email sent to him. After reading it, it was obvious that her message to him was that he had broken her heart somehow. Like I said, I’m not proud of myself; but mixed with the feelings of betrayal and horror that my worst fears had come true, was an overwhelming sense of relief that I WASN’T CRAZY like he kept telling me that I was. My question is... Should I contact her to see how long it went on? I don't think he'll be honest with me and I feel like I need confirmation that I'm not crazy. I don't want any kind of confrontation with this woman, I just need the truth. I actually feel sorry for the poor girl because it appears from the email that he never told her about me. (I believe the woman lives in another state). FYI, I'm breaking up with him regardless of whether either of them tells me the truth. I obviously can't trust him, I just want answers. So if you want answers and you are breaking up with him regardless...then CONTACT her. I've done that before and felt better.. 2
Quiet Storm Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Yes. Contact her. You both deserve to know the truth. Him making you feel crazy...it's called gaslighting. It is a total mind fnck. 2
tbf Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 The worst case scenario is if she tells him which doesn't matter since you're going to dump him anyways. The other side is, do you really want to know all the details? Be careful what you ask for since she can also make it sound worse than it was since she's got nothing to lose and much to gain, if she feels that "scaring" you away will get him.
Keenly Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 How much proof do you have that anything happened between them, and she did not just confess her feelings to him and he denied her. Could be a vague misunderstanding? 10 years its not something to throw away because of 1 potentially harmless email. Potentially. 1
scorpio1978 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I have been in this situation and ended things with him first, then contacted the other woman. I guess I have had my share of scumbags because on another occasion, I contacted a girl prior to confronting my boyfriend at the time because I needed more evidence. You at least already have this. So, either way, I would contact the girl and get some closure, but be prepared that some of the things you are going to hear may be heartbreaking and make you feel pretty rotten. Nothing was worse to me than this girl telling me about when she was with my boyfriend and I recalled him telling me he was on a business trip. It makes you feel pretty stupid, even though it's not your fault. Do what you need to, but I say contact her. 2
Darren Steez Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Get the girls side of it first...like yesterday, ask to meet somewhere and talk about what happened. Then confront, how he reacts and answers will go a long way to finding out the real him..either he'll be honest..or he'll totally be a snake
Leigh 87 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 As much as your hurt, the right thing to do would be to tell this poor girl the full story of the situation. You have fallen for a guy, right? Well, imagine if you suddenly found out that he had a girlfriend... Personally, it was devastate me. Yet I would feel BETTER if I got the full story. If it were me. She may not want to know, although I my gut says that MOST women would want to know everything.... You feel like cr@p, but trust me: doing the right thing in this situation will actually make you feel BETTER. It always feels great to do the right thing:) It would demonstrate a real strength of character if you were bold enough to go ahead and contact this women. You may be very hurt at what she has to say - your guy may have been telling her how much he liked her.. she may tell you things you do not wish to hear. Basically - your telling her the whole truth at your own risk. Your putting yourself out there, for her benefit. Good luck with the healing/getting over this guy. Just tell yourself that there are MANY guys out there who DO NOT cheat. Let us know how it goes (if you tell her)
ExpatInItaly Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Yes, I would contact her. Without telling him first. I would gather details from her and then confront him. Sure, she may be totally dishonest with you and warn him...but if you're ending the relationship, what's to lose? An old friend did something similar. She did a lot of digging and called the other girl after getting her number from a mutual acquaintance. The other girl had no idea he was taken. They compared notes and then decided to confront together. That day, my friend called the other girl again and had her remain on the line, then went to her boyfriend's work (after he'd finished) and simply handed him her phone saying, "Your other girlfriend wants to speak to you!" Caught red-handed and wouldn't speak to either of them. Epic and BUSTED.
Joaquin Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Provided you are SURE you have the info you need to terminate the relationship, i wouldn't feel the need to contact anyone for details. Your smart, why lower yourself to hearing grubby details, half truths and outright lies. Stay classy. Always. 2
Author NoDifference Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 Wow, thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice. I'm a little overwhelmed by how many people took the time to post a comment about my situation. I'm sure you all know how alone one feels during this time. I'll update you all on what's happened so far. I ended up confronting HIM. I decided that because I had physical evidence (I kept a copy of the email) of him cheating that I wanted to give him an opportunity to fess up before I went to the other woman. Of course, he denied, denied, denied. I told him that this was his chance to come clean and we could fix our damaged relationship... but still nothing. He even pulled the whole, "I can't believe how hurtful the things you're saying are..." bull-crap. Then I showed him the email that I found, and he caved. I have to say that I'm glad he didn't try to come up with some lame excuse about how it was spam mail, etc., but it doesn't change the fact that he had an emotional affair for months with a woman who lived out of state, and it even went so far that she came out across the country to spend time with him. I'm guessing he took days off of work to be with her, because he was home every night during the time she was in town, but at this point I don't care how it went down. What's done is done. I asked him to move out of my house (I make the money in our situation), and told him that if he can spend months planning to F*** his mistress behind my back then he can find a way to move out of my house by the end of the month. I'm blown away, devastated... all of the things that a person feels when going through something like this. But I will be OK. Because I refuse to let him take the best part of me, which is my self-worth. I'm sure I'll be posting on this forum a lot more in the future. Thanks again for taking the time to read my story 1
crederer Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Yah, denied it like a coward. Been there. Then when I showed the e-mail it turned into a whole "HOW DARE YOU INVADE MY PRIVACY". Yah, I think you committed the bigger faux pas. Also, the reason I looked in her e-mail in the first place was because some girl I never spoke to in my life called me and said my girl and her man were exchanging inappropriate e-mails and she couldn't even bring herself to tell me what was in them because she was so devastated by them.
Chi townD Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Damn, I wish I could have weighed in here before yoiu confronted. I would have suggested to call her up find out what the story was and find out if she was being played by him as well (i.e. not knowing he already had a girlfriend). Then, I would have suggested that the two of you get together and you call up your boyfriend to meet you for dinner at say...Chili's. THEN!!! I would have requested you to describe the look on his face when he saw the two of you sitting there in great detail!!! J/k
tbf Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Wow, thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice. I'm a little overwhelmed by how many people took the time to post a comment about my situation. I'm sure you all know how alone one feels during this time. I'll update you all on what's happened so far. I ended up confronting HIM. I decided that because I had physical evidence (I kept a copy of the email) of him cheating that I wanted to give him an opportunity to fess up before I went to the other woman. Of course, he denied, denied, denied. I told him that this was his chance to come clean and we could fix our damaged relationship... but still nothing. He even pulled the whole, "I can't believe how hurtful the things you're saying are..." bull-crap. Then I showed him the email that I found, and he caved. I have to say that I'm glad he didn't try to come up with some lame excuse about how it was spam mail, etc., but it doesn't change the fact that he had an emotional affair for months with a woman who lived out of state, and it even went so far that she came out across the country to spend time with him. I'm guessing he took days off of work to be with her, because he was home every night during the time she was in town, but at this point I don't care how it went down. What's done is done. I asked him to move out of my house (I make the money in our situation), and told him that if he can spend months planning to F*** his mistress behind my back then he can find a way to move out of my house by the end of the month. I'm blown away, devastated... all of the things that a person feels when going through something like this. But I will be OK. Because I refuse to let him take the best part of me, which is my self-worth. I'm sure I'll be posting on this forum a lot more in the future. Thanks again for taking the time to read my story You've handled this very well! Cheating is difficult to handle on an emotional level. What you'll be experiencing for awhile is double vision, the man you thought he was and the man he really is. ((hugs))
Author NoDifference Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Am I crazy for wanting to send this email to her? "Thank you for contributing to the end of my relationship of 13 years. I bet your mother would be proud to know that her daughter is a whore and a home wrecker. I can only hope that one day someone returns the favor to you. FYI - There are always two sides to a story. I'm not the monster he probably made me out to be. "
scorpio1978 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Woooah!! Do NOT send that e-mail. You don't know enough about the situation. I will tell you that I was with a man for 6 months who I worked with, knew he had a son with his "ex", we talked every day, he slept over and left very early in the morning and I had NO reason to suspect anything until I got a call from the woman who he said was his "ex" and the mother of his child, who was actually his wife! And they had a newborn daughter that nobody at work ever knew about. Do you think I am a whore? I don't. Why? Because I didn't know. At the end of the conversation with her, she knew that I had no idea and we were both played like fools. You have no clue what this girl knew and until you do, sending an e-mail out of anger will only make you look bad. Hold your head up high and be thankful that she actually did you a favor. If this hadn't happened, you would have been finding out about some other infidelity years down the road when you have much more time invested. Also, be thankful that he caved. I had a voicemail taped of an ex telling his mistress what hotel room he was in for her to meet him at. His voice, his name and hers and you know what that bastard said? "Oooh, that could be anybody leaving a message like that". Ha! Loser. Good riddance to him and good riddance to your man. Do NOT start saying nasty stuff to her until you know for sure that she knew about you and even then, use caution. You may only justify her actions in her head if you act crazy. But, then again...who cares? Just leave it alone.
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