Shilo Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Hey guys, first post, joined about 5 minutes ago. I need a life saver. I'm 17, my boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years (2 years, 8 months). We met when I was 14, he was 15. We were friends for about half a year before we began dating, and we have a great relationship. The first few months were amazing. He is my first serious boyfriend, and I was swept off my feet. I've been abused (sexually) in the past, and so I latched onto this new love like my life depended on it. We went on dates, went out together, were really affectionate, and just generally enjoyed it. I wasn't sure if I expected it to last, but it did, and he was the first guy to ever get me to open up about my abuse. I trust him that much. Our relationship seems absolutely perfect to look at, and in theory, we should be doing amazing. Almost three years is a long time for a first relationship. There's just one major problem right now. While I am still a virgin (I'm scared of losing it), my boyfriend has been my only sexual partner, and usually, it's great. He knows just how to please me, what I do and don't like, and for the first year or so of sexual activity, it was exciting and scary and really passionate. But in the past year or so, things have gotten...stale. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death. We have an awesome relationship, and are both pretty similar in habit, feelings and interests, and even though sometimes we do argue and disagree, we can't stay mad at each other for long. He's really affectionate. He tells me he loves me every day. He's never pushy for sex, and when we do get physical he is always pretty respectful of my boundaries because if he goes too far, I tend to flashback. I should be really happy, he's understanding, caring, and very gentle. It's just what I need. It's just not what I want. Whenever we do get physical, I always initiate. It's always me who starts things off, makes a move. Trying to flirt with him is like trying to flirt with a brick wall, same goes for subtle hints that I'm in the mood for a little playtime. Whenever I do get flirtatious, tease him, and then say that's all he's getting, trying to coax him into being more forward, he just goes, "okay," and that's it. He just doesn't care. He will never initiate, flirt with me unless I flirt first, and sometimes he gets irritatingly affectionate (silly voices, too much cuddling, kissing, etc) when all I want is a little sexual action. Whenever we do begin to play, I feel like he's just doing it to satisfy me, and it makes me feel unwanted, needy, and selfish. I'll openly admit that I'm not the best lover in the world, I'm not amazing with technique or anything, and the fact that I'm not willing to have full blown sex yet means we're limited for ways to satisfy each other, but he just acts as though he isn't interested in me anymore. I feel like I'm being insecure and needy, but it's really denting my confidence, because I don't know why he's being like this. Am I not enough for him? Is it because I won't have sex with him? Am I just not very attractive? I have zero self-confidence, and the person who should find me the most desirable in the world doesn't even want to kiss me properly unless I ask for it. What should I do? Should I be more forward? Should I talk to him? I've told him about this before, and he agreed to be more forward and dominant when we do play, but that only lasted a few weeks before he wasn't bothered anymore. I'm scared of hurting his feelings or making him feel like he's incompetent. Sometimes, he's great, and a couple of days ago he did initiate some play when his parents went out, which was brilliant. But it's so rare. All I want is to feel loved, desirable and sexy, is that too much to ask for? Or am I being selfish for wanting us to be perfectly synchronized sex wise? He seems to be fine with us settling down, but all my friends are in new relationships (or long term ones) with great sex, and I'm getting jealous. I want some passion again! I don't want to have to end things, I love my guy to bits and he's perfect for me, but I just hate feeling so unwanted; at the end of the day, I'm still trying to build up my confidence and this really isn't helping me, which isn't good when my emotional and mental health is so easily upset. What should I do?!
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Actions speak louder than words. If he knows it bothers you and doesn't do much to remedy it, then the writing is on the wall. Perhaps he's just too comfortable. Perhaps he's no longer interested. Have you asked him directly if he wants to continue the relationship?
Author Shilo Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Well, I spoke to him the same night I posted this, and I think everything got sorted. Turns out the reason he was so distant was because he doesn't enjoy initiating because he is scared that he will hurt me because of my abuse. He's said that he does enjoy being intimate when we get to it, but it always feels wrong to start because he feels if he does something wrong then I might get upset or flashback (this has happened a couple of times). We talked it over and had a long discussion, and I understand completely where he is coming from, but like I said to him, my abuse is something I have to deal with in my own time and way, and I don't want it to affect my relationships anymore, because I need to move on. Although it was sweet he was being so considerate, I'm not a china doll, and I won't break. We've reached a compromise and fingers crossed, things will get better from here. We're just going to take it slowly. I love talking to him, especially when we both cry. x'D
Recommended Posts