Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I am so sick of being single. Why am I still single? I would love to have someone in my life. What is it with me not feeling it for the guys who dig me and the guys I like not digging me? This has never happened to me before. Usually, if I dig a guy, he gives me a chance . Am feeling just a bit discouraged. It's starting to affect my self-esteem. Be forwarned, I will consider any posts that stereotype me as a woman "who always goes for xyz type of guy" to be off-topic. This is about my specific situation and I'm asking for encouragement, support, and ideas about what to do.
KathyM Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 It takes time to find the right person who matches well with you on so many levels. A good man who clicks with you on all levels is often hard to find. Just have to keep looking until you find a match. Don't waste your time and effort on men who are not a match just to pass the time. Make sure you have as much going for you as possible, and present yourself well to those you would be interested in, and try a variety of venues in looking for the right guy--online dating, meetup groups, get the word out with friends and relatives that you are interested in meeting some quality guys, take up some interesting hobbies that will get you in contact with more men.
sillyanswer Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Do you approach guys or do they approach you or is it some of each?
Treasa Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I know it's frustrating to hear this, but you need to fix the insecure problem first. It's easy to let circumstances of our lives define it, but it's not helpful in actual practice. Your mood elevates or lowers based on what's happening around you. If you can truly find a way to be happy on your own, and be secure with that, I think your chances of finding the right kind of guy for you will shoot up. Maybe you should also identify exactly what it is in these guys who aren't good for you and don't seem to want to be with you that you like so much. Is it confidence? If so, is it because you want that confidence for yourself? Is it something else? Meditation, reflection, and gratitude for what you do have are very helpful in times like this. 2
grkBoy Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I won't try to paint you as some "bad boy chaser", because for all we know it could be the opposite. The jerks like you and you reject, but the nice men you want seemingly reject you for some insane reason. Anyway, I think you need to not put so much pressure on yourself to have someone. That's the mistake I made in the past, and many here make now. I'd also do some soul-searching on the WHY. Why do you want to find someone? What is it that you want out of a man and a relationship? I know it sounds ridiculous, but a good friend pushed this on me years ago and I found I was wanting a woman to fulfill some fantasy of the ideal relationship, when that doesn't happen in the real world. I also would equate my sense of self-worth on if I had a woman. I felt like I was a "real man" if I had a girlfriend and a "loser" if I was single. It was only when I got off dating and took time for me that I learned to be a "real man" without a woman...then the right woman came along when I wasn't seeking. 4
Author Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Answer to some questions Thanks for the replies and question. They'll definitely help me be more precise. I've been single for over a year. I'm generally a happy single. This week it's getting tiresome. I met a guy I liked and he doesn't seem to reciprocate. It's frustrating. I don't think I ever had such a confusing time meeting people in the past. I want someone in my life because I'm doing well and I want to share that. I read in a book that there's nothing less selfish or self-involved than loving someone. That struck a chord with me. Sometimes I approach guys, sometimes they approach me, sometimes we are set up. The two instances where I felt it and they didn't, I did most of the approaching. I don't meet many jerks, so all the guys, whether they liked me or I liked them, were decent human beings. It's the whole chemistry thing that seems to be out of whack. In the past, when I felt chemistry with someone, it was usually mutual. I'm starting to feel frustrated because recently, the guys I meet don't seem to value what I perceive as compatibility or connection the same way I do. I don't usually think of myself as insecure or lacking self-worth. Yes, this week, I'm feeling tired of being hopeful. It's making me question myself. This week. And maybe that isn't a bad thing... Like is there something I could be doing differently? But even then, I'm probably one of the most content persons on this board. Just ask the OTT. Also, I've been in two long term relationships, so I don't think I idealize them. If anything, it makes me more attuned to what I think counts as great compatibility: easy communication, a sense of being happy for and with each other, attraction. 1
tbf Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 The two instances where I felt it and they didn't, I did most of the approaching.Three quick thoughts: Has your type preference changed so you're approaching a different type of man?Has your type remained the same but you've changed enough to warrant a disconnect?Does approaching men cause a discomfort that's noticeable to these guys?
Author Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Three quick thoughts: Has your type preference changed so you're approaching a different type of man?Has your type remained the same but you've changed enough to warrant a disconnect?Does approaching men cause a discomfort that's noticeable to these guys? I'm approaching / attracted to the same kind of guys I always was. These are the type of men I used to hang out with as a teenager and in my twenties. They're usually outdoorsy, involved in their community somehow, have strong moral values. I don't think I've changed in a way that would warrant a disconnect. I'm a lot more mellow and probalby happier, more self-accepting than I ever was. The one thing that has changed is that I spend less time trying to force a connection. I expect them to like me for me. In the example of the last guy I approached, I felt comfortable approaching him. It made sense to me when I did it and I was absolutely comfortable with the plans I set up. I now consider, however, that the ball is in his court... And it turns out he's not even playing tennis.
tbf Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I don't think I've changed in a way that would warrant a disconnect. I'm a lot more mellow and probalby happier, more self-accepting than I ever was. The one thing that has changed is that I spend less time trying to force a connection. I expect them to like me for me.There's your answer. In the past, you forced a connection when an instant one wasn't evident whether through repetitive approaches or becoming a chameleon, in order to appeal. Now, you back off if the instant connection isn't there. This isn't any reason to feel discouraged. It just means you're becoming more solid in your self-worth. But there is a price to pay for having a greater sense of self, in that your dating pool will narrow a bit. 3
Janesays Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 This is the best dating advice I've ever gotten from anyone and it came from the mouth of my great grandmother who was born in 1912 and was happily married for 52 years: "Love the ones that love you." You keep mentioning that when you're feeling it, they're not. But....sometimes THEY are feeling it and YOU are not. In that case, listen to my grandmother. Love the ones that love you. 1
Author Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 There's your answer. In the past, you forced a connection when an instant one wasn't evident whether through repetitive approaches or becoming a chameleon, in order to appeal. Now, you back off if the instant connection isn't there. This isn't any reason to feel discouraged. It just means you're becoming more solid in your self-worth. But there is a price to pay for having a greater sense of self, in that your dating pool will narrow a bit. Brilliant work! This does make sense and makes me feel better. It also explains why I get frustrated. I'm used to "winning" them over. And, turns out, I'm giving that up. It's a bit anxiety producing to tell you the truth. Unchartered territory. Must remember: I only need one. The right one! Onward and upward! 2
charlietheginger Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Maybe you have to date people that are in your rating see what you have to offer a man.... not to sound harsh a friend i know is,successful good Looking .. He attracts women living at home that work Part time 9$ a hour jobs and turns them away I dont know your situation... You might be going for guys Out or under your league
Author Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Maybe you have to date people that are in your rating see what you have to offer a man.... not to sound harsh a friend i know is,successful good Looking .. He attracts women living at home that work Part time 9$ a hour jobs and turns them away I dont know your situation... You might be going for guys Out or under your league Am not. I assure you. I consider the topic of leagues / being in and out of them done. 1
Content Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I know its cliche and been said but dont put pressure on yourself just have fun with the process. I used to be the same way id put pressure on myself to find someone because my friends were all in relationships and i felt like the fifth wheel and outcast and whenever i thought i hit it off with a girl who didnt feel the same way it would crush me and my self esteem and id question my self looks wise personality etc. Then i just learned to stop putting the weight of the world on who likes me or doesnt and while id like to find the right girl if it doesnt happen theyres pnlety other good things in my life that will make me happy. 1
StanMusial Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You love her But she loves him And he loves somebody else You just can't win And so it goes Till the day you die This thing they call love It's gonna make you cry I've had the blues The reds and the pinks One thing for sure (Love stinks) Love stinks yeah yeah (Love stinks) Love stinks yeah yeah 1
Els Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Sorry to hear that, K. What sort of men do you like and what sort of men seems to like you?
Author Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 "Love the ones that love you." You keep mentioning that when you're feeling it, they're not. But....sometimes THEY are feeling it and YOU are not. In that case, listen to my grandmother. Love the ones that love you. I've had two relationships where the love was mutual. And, to be honest, I think that's what your grandmother meant right: make sure the one you love also loves you. Sorry to hear that, K. What sort of men do you like and what sort of men seems to like you? Words that come to mind when I think about the men I fall for: grounded (as in, they've got common sense in heaps, not as in their parents won't let them out). hardworking display that they care for others and their community display strong moral values can laugh at themselves have a quirky sense of humor like me are great conversationalists allow themselves to feel vulnerable tend to have alternative views on most things have a playful spontaneous side List of things that turned me off about the men who seemed to like me: - too polished (the date felt like an interview / he was not spontaneous enough) - too forward - we didn't share the same sense of humor. - seeming desperate for a relationship - caught up in the rat race - seeming to want a relationship because that's what the Jones do, not because they truly wanted to get to know me. - trying too hard to impress - showing insecurity about my job / my qualifications. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 This is the best dating advice I've ever gotten from anyone and it came from the mouth of my great grandmother who was born in 1912 and was happily married for 52 years: "Love the ones that love you." You keep mentioning that when you're feeling it, they're not. But....sometimes THEY are feeling it and YOU are not. In that case, listen to my grandmother. Love the ones that love you. ♫And if you can't be with the one you love, ♫ honey, love the one your with.♪ Not quite that, right? In all seriousness, I've been thinking about this lately. Isn't it unfortunate that we can't see what's right in front of our faces at times? There are people who love us, have all the attributes we desire, but oftentimes we dismiss them looking for someone else only to loose out on both. 1
charlietheginger Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Go places , be in areas and do things that attract The type of guys you want to attract
Star Gazer Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 There's your answer. In the past, you forced a connection when an instant one wasn't evident whether through repetitive approaches or becoming a chameleon, in order to appeal. Now, you back off if the instant connection isn't there. Actually, I think Kam used to be this way. More recently, she's been reaching out and continuing on when he's given her evidence that the connection isn't there. The most recent guy is the example that comes to mind. In other words, I think she's been holding on longer than she knows better to, and "chasing" more than she has in the past. This is probably because she wants it more now than she has in the past. I recognized that she had more success with men when she had a more laissez-faire attitude.
Author Kamille Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Actually, I think Kam used to be this way. More recently, she's been reaching out and continuing on when he's given her evidence that the connection isn't there. The most recent guy is the example that comes to mind. You might be confusing two guys. The most recent guy had given evidence he felt a connection. Which is why I decided to go ahead and suggest a second date. The guy before that never gave evidence - and I thought of pushing it anyway - but didn't. But yes, I do hang on longer than I should. I was hung up on the first guy for about a month (he was the first guy I liked since my break up is my excuse). The other guy it's been less than a week - hopefully I won't stay stuck on him. I don't think so however, perhaps precisely because I feel like he got a chance to know me. So his decision not to pursue must be founded in some way. What I was doing in the past that I am no longer doing now is more about how I present myself on the dates. I used to be really good at "amping up" their feelings for me, making them feel great about themselves, mirroring them, etc. Now I tend to just sit back more and enjoy the flow / getting to know them. I'm less "on" while on the dates. Edited May 3, 2013 by Kamille
Els Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Words that come to mind when I think about the men I fall for: grounded (as in, they've got common sense in heaps, not as in their parents won't let them out). hardworking display that they care for others and their community display strong moral values can laugh at themselves have a quirky sense of humor like me are great conversationalists allow themselves to feel vulnerable tend to have alternative views on most things have a playful spontaneous side List of things that turned me off about the men who seemed to like me: - too polished (the date felt like an interview / he was not spontaneous enough) - too forward - we didn't share the same sense of humor. - seeming desperate for a relationship - caught up in the rat race - seeming to want a relationship because that's what the Jones do, not because they truly wanted to get to know me. - trying too hard to impress - showing insecurity about my job / my qualifications. IMO those are all really good reasons to decline, so hats off to you for sticking to your guns. I disagree that we should all just 'make ourselves' love whomever loves us, in the romantic sense. Compatibility is a huge issue. You need both compatibility and love, IMO. And the guys you turned down don't seem compatible with you. I don't think it's been that long, yeah? Maybe a year or so? My experience has been that genuinely compatible guys, those whom I love and who also love me, are very rare. So to me, a year without such a guy coming along is normal. Take heart, and cherish the one who does come along when he does... 2
Author Kamille Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Can't help but hope that there might still be a chance the latest guy will call. Feeling restless about the whole thing. I'm keeping busy, working out, enjoying the weather. I have plans for tonight. And still, am hoping I'll hear from him. I don't understand how he could not value the connection we made on the first date. IMO those are all really good reasons to decline, so hats off to you for sticking to your guns. There wasn't much else to do but decline. I get a physical sensation of discomfort when I think of dating these guys. Good news is, I will never settle. I disagree that we should all just 'make ourselves' love whomever loves us, in the romantic sense. Compatibility is a huge issue. You need both compatibility and love, IMO. And the guys you turned down don't seem compatible with you. I totally agree. I don't think I've ever been able to make myself love someone. But that's not how I understand "love the one who loves you anyway". I understand it as meaning that once we find love, we should cherish it. Meaning, I shouldn't pine after the guys who aren't interested, but once I do find someone I'm compatible with who also loves me, I should appreciate it. It isn't the same as forcing myself to love someone for whom I don't have feelings. I don't think it's been that long, yeah? Maybe a year or so? My experience has been that genuinely compatible guys, those whom I love and who also love me, are very rare. So to me, a year without such a guy coming along is normal. Take heart, and cherish the one who does come along when he does... It's been a little over a year. It does usually take me about this amount of time to meet someone new - but this time there was a move to city where I did not know a soul thrown in. I think this makes/made meeting potential men harder. I'm now starting to meet more people here. Hopefully, within the next year someone will come along. I think the two guys I met in the last two months have made me crave a relationship. I was fine until I met that first guy and suddenly remembered what it felt like to really be into somebody. Am feeling a little impatient is all.
hppr Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 This is about my specific situation and I'm asking for encouragement, support, and ideas about what to do. Put on some nice clothes, makeup and walk outside with a smile on your face you'll meet plenty of guys.
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