iouaname Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I had made a few alterations to my life in order to help me overcome the depression and the breakup - including posting less often at Loveshack about my situation, only because I felt like it kept me focused on things I was trying to stop focusing on. However, I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win I read a post here earlier today about how people tend to make themselves the victims, and it really struck a chord with me because it was exactly what my ex told me. He told me I was a perpetual victim, that it was "my pattern." The reason that it stung so bad to hear is because I kind of think he's right. Anyway, I really couldn't stand the judgment being put on me. I obviously cut contact with my ex as soon as possible, but I also removed all of our mutual friends/my Facebook, and any way any of them had of checking on me. I couldn't handle being called a victim, being ridiculed for being 'crazy,' or being laughed at for not being over it by now. In the meantime, I took up a hobby of posting on Instagram. I post pictures from my vacation last summer, I like to follow people in other countries and have them follow me, and I like to post inspirational quotes that I can look at when I'm feeling down. This morning, however, my friends texted me and told me I was being obnoxious on Instagram and were basically making fun of me for it. On the outside, I laughed it off and made fun of them back but really, it has upset me a lot I'm not sure what the issue is. I guess it comes down to self-esteem, like I should be able to just shrug it all off and not care... but it has all been getting to me. I hate feeling under the microscope of everyone and judged for everything I do and how I handle this depression...
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Was that something I posted? Sometimes, if something is said by more than one person, no matter why or how it's said, there maybe a grain of truth in it. If you are referring to a post I made, I wasn't picking on anyone in particular - but if it struck a chord, and tied in with what others have said to you,then perhaps it would benefit you to pay some attention..... Poor self-esteem often goes hand in hand with other "dysfunctions", such as a stroppy, bossy attitude, a victim mentality, a distorted impression of one's physical form or a warped sense of self. Nobody here intends you any harm or offence. So it pays to develop a thick hide and a 'waterproof duck back'.... Yet if something resonates, take time to ponder- use it to your advantage.
Author iouaname Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 It was a post that you made, yes, but I didn't take it as a personal slight at all. What I meant is that it did resonate with me and was something that my ex had told me as well, and it had me thinking that there was some truth behind it. The problem is that I don't understand what to do about it? Also, I never meant to give the impression that I felt judged by anyone here, it's the people in my life that I feel judged by. I feel judged by my ex who sees me as a victim, all of the mutual friends who I suspect see me as insane or who laugh at the fact that I'm not over it and compare my progress to my ex's progress. I had cut all of these people out of my life, but then I still feel judgment from my friends for being annoying on Instagram (which is really just something I've used to cope with all of this), judgment from my family for being in therapy and having to go on medication for anxiety and depression... it just feels like I can't escape all of the judgment. And even if the judgments that are being made are true, I don't know how to correct them, and when I try to correct them, I feel judged for how I go about that. Developing a thick skin is not the problem. I put on a show that none of it bothers me. On the outside, I'm sure most people couldn't even tell what's going on. The problem is that it's eating me on the inside. I feel like I can't escape it.
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Having a victim mentality simply means that you consistently feel sorry for yourself and that you may hold the belief that the world has got it in for you. A person with a victim mentality is also prone to being an Emotional Vampire (Radu made a thread on this.....) but tbh, I don't see you swinging that way, personally..... How do YOU see yourself in this context....?
Author iouaname Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Having a victim mentality simply means that you consistently feel sorry for yourself and that you may hold the belief that the world has got it in for you. A person with a victim mentality is also prone to being an Emotional Vampire (Radu made a thread on this.....) but tbh, I don't see you swinging that way, personally..... How do YOU see yourself in this context....? If you asked my ex, I think that he would say that I was an Emotional Vampire because of my victim mentality. In a way, I could see it, I guess? Early on my ex cheated on me and lied to me quite a bit, and it caused a lot of insecurities in me and I guess I somehow ended up becoming too dependent and too emotionally burdensome to him. He has also told me that my anger, depression, and feelings after the breakup are just more of the same (me making him the bad guy and me being a victim.) I guess I feel bad that his thoughts of me are like this, that I was an emotional drain on him, codependent, needy, etc. He seems to be much happier without me (although I don't know for sure) and I guess it has made me feel as if all of that was true. And of course, I can't apologize to him or go to him and tell him I've realized this because that would do no good for anyone, which leaves me feeling stuck. As far as how I see myself in the situation... I feel that if I became an "emotional vampire" who sucked the positivity out of his life, he contributed quite a bit and did not handle things well. So I guess it takes two, but I can definitely see his point of view and looking back now I feel like there were signs all along about how unhappy I made him... It's frustrating though because I feel I did so much good for him, too, and to be thought of as someone with a victim mentality who emotionally drained someone else... it's tough. I don't want that, and I wish that I could fix that because it's not how I want to be remembered or thought of. I've never been accused of it by anyone else, either, so I don't know how to deal with it.
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 It's clear to all concerned that this guy was - and is - a jerk. He has all the sensitivity of a grenade. But if you see truth in the matter - then address that, for yourself. Prove to yourself that you can shift this, and transform how you act and RE-act. Research 'Emotional Vampire', and how to stop being one. Principally, the main major change to make is to accept responsibility for your actions, and accept that they occurred. Then form a strategy on how to improve your self-esteem, improve who you are, and avoid the same pit-falls. This poem resonated with me, 22 years ago.... See how you feel about it: Autobiography in 5 chapters (quoted in "The Tibetan Book of Living & Dying") 1) I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost.....I am Hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. 2) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. 3) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in......it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. 4) I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. 5) I walk down another street. Portia Nelson And if you feel like exploring further: Read here. 1
Author iouaname Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Thank you very much. I will look into it. I know the kind of person I am and I know that one of the things I want most is to make others feel good about themselves and be happy being around me. I think that I did that for my ex for a while, I made him happy and proud. After the cheating, I guess I just became an anxious, paranoid mess and began to drain him emotionally, which did no good for either of us. I agree that he had his flaws and was a jerk at times, but I feel that even acknowledging that sets me up to make myself a victim. So, I guess the plan for me is to just putter along and try to sort things out... thanks again! 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Thank you very much. I will look into it. I know the kind of person I am and I know that one of the things I want most is to make others feel good about themselves and be happy being around me. This is very telling: let me ask you (and I want you to answer me honestly, but please know - and have absolutely no doubt - there is no judgement in my question....) Why do you want to do this? is it to make yourself feel good about yourself? Which sentiment is stronger - honestly? is it simply seeing others feeling good about themselves, or the fact that you want to feel good, about making others feel good about themselves? Is this altruism 'with an agenda'? Are you looking for 'emotional payback'? Think on this, and examine it closely.... Let me know what you think....
Empty Heart Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 This is very telling: let me ask you (and I want you to answer me honestly, but please know - and have absolutely no doubt - there is no judgement in my question....) Why do you want to do this? is it to make yourself feel good about yourself? Which sentiment is stronger - honestly? is it simply seeing others feeling good about themselves, or the fact that you want to feel good, about making others feel good about themselves? Is this altruism 'with an agenda'? Are you looking for 'emotional payback'? Think on this, and examine it closely.... Let me know what you think.... I been lurking for a while and all I can say is 'WOW! You're good at this stuff'. Just thought you should know. Compliments done.
Author iouaname Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 let me ask you (and I want you to answer me honestly, but please know - and have absolutely no doubt - there is no judgement in my question....) Why do you want to do this? is it to make yourself feel good about yourself? Which sentiment is stronger - honestly? is it simply seeing others feeling good about themselves, or the fact that you want to feel good, about making others feel good about themselves? Is this altruism 'with an agenda'? Are you looking for 'emotional payback'? Think on this, and examine it closely.... Let me know what you think.... Yes, I think that making other people happy makes me happy. I mean I've never examined it closely, but I like to help other people because it makes me feel good about myself. I guess that's not such a great thing? I don't do it with the knowledge that I expect something in return, but like, if a friend of mine is going through a crisis, I enjoy being able to be that person that is able to help them through it. If someone I know is having a tough time, I like to lend my ear. I like people to want to be around me, and one of the hardest things for me is to accept that, at some point, my ex felt I was someone who was emotionally draining to him and who he didn't enjoy being around. Does that answer your question? I don't know...
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I been lurking for a while and all I can say is 'WOW! You're good at this stuff'. Just thought you should know. Compliments done. Thank you so much, that's very kind of you..... Yes, I think that making other people happy makes me happy. I mean I've never examined it closely, but I like to help other people because it makes me feel good about myself. I guess that's not such a great thing? I don't do it with the knowledge that I expect something in return, but like, if a friend of mine is going through a crisis, I enjoy being able to be that person that is able to help them through it. If someone I know is having a tough time, I like to lend my ear. I like people to want to be around me, and one of the hardest things for me is to accept that, at some point, my ex felt I was someone who was emotionally draining to him and who he didn't enjoy being around. Does that answer your question? I don't know... Perhaps it does... You must feel very disappointed if something you do for someone receives no gratitude, or backfires.... as they say, "No good deed goes unpunished".... I have on occasions spoken about Compassion and its 2 forms: Idiot Compassion and Wise Compassion. If you read Radu's thread, you will have seen mention of it there.... It's important that the Compassion you manifest, is both Wise and well considered....
Author iouaname Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 I mean, I don't think so? Maybe I'm not explaining myself very well but I don't feel like I go around doing things and expecting something from people. In the case of my ex, yes, I expected a little more from him and I feel let down by how he has behaved. Eeh. Whatever. I don't know, I'm done analyzing my every flaw. 1
eachcomingnight Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 Tara, Thanks so much for sharing that writing by Portia Nelson. It has strengthened my resolve to forgive myself and learn from my mistakes.
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I mean, I don't think so? Maybe I'm not explaining myself very well but I don't feel like I go around doing things and expecting something from people. In the case of my ex, yes, I expected a little more from him and I feel let down by how he has behaved. Eeh. Whatever. I don't know, I'm done analyzing my every flaw. I think that's a very important decision. "Hyper-analysis causes paralysis".... sometimes, things are what they are, because they are what they are.... I think you're right to ease back on yourself. I also think sometimes (and I have definitely been "guilty" of this myself, in the past) it's absolutely fine, acceptable and damn right, even, to occasionally, just say 'no'. I contributed to try to help you clarify some stuff, particularly as you posted with reference to something I wrote. But whichever way you play this, I think you're right to stop thinking, and just letting things be.
DontBreakEven Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 iouaname --- block those people on instagram who are making fun of you. if that is an outlet that you have found to cope, don't allow people to make you feel bad about it. block them and make your instagram private. also, follow insta_mistrizz .. that is Tristan Prettyman, Jason Mraz's exfiance. He called off their engagement out of nowhere a year and a half ago and she has a new album all about it, and her instagram is uplifting at times with great quotes and such. she has clearly been through the dark place we all are experiencing and i believe she uses instagram as an outlet as well. she even makes bracelets with a song lyric of hers, "maybe the best hasn't happened yet", and sells them. i'm so excited for mine to come. i am at a very dark point in my life as well due to my breakup. i will not feel ashamed at my depression. i loved someone fully and in the end it wasn't returned. it hurts. to quote another TP song "what am i to do with all this love for you?" it's excruciating to have love in your heart bubbling over for someone, and they don't want it. cope however you must, and for however long you must. it has been 5 weeks for me now. i am no better than day one. i go to work and i come home. i baby myself. i do whatever i feel like doing. and right now, that is absolutely nothing more than what i have to do responsibility-wise. and that's okay. one day i will feel like doing some more until one day it will just stop hurting. it is the worst pain known to man, and ANYONE who is making you feel foolish about what you're feeling has absolutely no place in your life. trust me.
todreaminblue Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 I also read the thing about victims.......immediately got paranoid about how people would perceive me telling my history of violence against me and think i am complaining about it..and wantign sympathy....one reason i really never did anythign abotu violence against me...is i didnt want to talk abtou it at the time...didtn want to be judged or did i look for sympathy...didtn even follow through by reporting anything.......i am using it to try and help that is my reason for posting my victimisation......that thread actually upset me a little bit didnt post in it.......everybody has been a victim at one time in their life or not doesnt have to include major violence........it can be simply hurting...most people on love shack are hurting too......i think it actually promotes silence to post abotu perpetual victimisation........sounds like something my step father would say if i cried...buck up......your pathetic...what do you want .....crying about soemthing helps nothing..heard it all before.......this is what i say... post what your heart tells you to post......dont listen to anyoen who makes you feel less than what you are.....dotn listen to anyone who belittles what you have gone through....and maybe along the way you might strike a chord with soemone in a similar situation.....and then you hurting if only for a small amount of time...is actually given a positive spin...a power to help others.........hugs hugs.......best wishes..........deb
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