KPChick000 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I am in need of some encouragement and someone to stop me from breaking NC... In my first post yesterday, I mentioned that it's been four weeks since NC with my ex-bf. We broke up in January after three years together, and he started seeing someone in March. I have been able to maintain NC these four weeks, and he in turn has not contacted me. I don't know what it is with the one-month mark, but yestersay I started missing him a lot, hence my post about craving "breadcrumbs." At the one-month mark, I guess you start to accept the finality of the break-up and your ex moving on. I tried to get past this hurdle yesterday, but unfortunately, I went and stupidly looked at facebook (we are not fb friends) last night. I am pretty sure that he and the girl he is seeing are going away for the weekend I didn't sleep well at all, and now I'm having that sinking feeling in my stomach again. My heart aches, and I so desperately want to reach out. I don't even know what I would say, but this is hurting me so much right now... I feel all the emotions (anger, jealousy, sadness, yearning, regret) all at once. I want to say... I miss you. I wish things could have been different. I wish I knew what I had when I had it. How could you move on so quickly after three years? Why were "we" not worth fighting for? I want to text/call him. Stop him from going away. But I know it won't matter. I know it won't change anything. And that's what hurts the most. That I had everything, and now it's out of my hands. I have to get a grip on this.......
youngnlove89 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 ugh, I hate to see people like this. damn heartbreaks. evil things, aren't they? I can't be much of help right now because I'm going through it too. Just cry. Let it all out. Write. Write some more. Go get coffee, enjoy the beautiful day and realize that this will pass. 1
McGriff Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You are being a victim to your mind right now, and your ego. We are all guilty of it, me probably more than anyone. Try and keep sight of the BIG PICTURE. You said it yourself, it's not gonna change anything. You send him a message, and it's gonna swell up his head even more than it probably already is. Keep your mystery, keep your dignity, keep your respect. He's not done ANYTHING to deserve a loving "reaching out" text from you. Why would you reward his behavior of dating someone else. He chose to BU, he chose to date another, so the consequences are that he won't have any contact with you. Don't cave in. I have a lot of respect for your 1 month of NC, considering the pain you are in. Keep building on it. You are not alone. 3
eucalyptus Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Well said, McGriff. I would especially agree with your point concerning the fact that the guy has not done anything to deserve the additional attention. I've been going through the same emotions with my own heart break, and have realized that keeping your mystery, dignity, and self-respect as the result of NC is really the only control that you have. I know that it is tempting to want immediate gratification, but this isn't possible. Reinventing yourself without your EX takes time and dedication. In these situations, the person that has moved on first is typically always just filling the void so as to not confront their part in the break up. More than likely, it will be just a matter of time before their long standing issues are dominating their new relationship. Usually by that time, the dumpee is usually somewhat healed/reinvented, and the dumper is still in the same messed up state that they were before the break up. That is why it is relatively common for the dumper to try to come back out of weakness, and the dumpee to realize that they are not worth another chance at that point. That is not to say that dumper always wants reconciliation, but it does sometimes happen especially after a lengthy period of NC. My feeling is that it takes the pain through break ups to learn what you are willing to put up with or not in life. There are a lot of unhappy, married couples out there who merely tolerate each other out of the fear of not being alone. Don't settle for one of these relationships! Try to develop realistic boundaries that work for you, and stick to them. As the cliche' goes "you deserve what you put with in life." 4
Author KPChick000 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Thanks, guys. I am trying hard not to succumb to the impulse of contacting him. I just feel numb and emotional at the same time... Don't know how to explain it. I think part of this internal struggle stems from missing the person that I was with for three years and trying to accept that that person has essentially "died". I don't want to pine for someone who isn't there anymore, but at the same time, I haven't let go of the memories, of the what could have been's. I keep thinking that maybe there is some hope for us, something I could say or do to make things right again, but I know deep down that it's not possible right now. No matter what connection we had, what I felt between us STILL when we met up for "closure" after the break-up, the passion in our last kiss, the fact remains: he has decided to move on. And I have to let him go. I can't make his decisions for him. I wouldn't want to convince someone to want to be with me anyway. Still doesn't make things any easier... Doesn't make me miss him any less... Hope I stay strong. One month NC.
eachcomingnight Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Hey! Maybe my own experience can help you out. I had just finished a month and was feeling much better although he was still on my mind constantly. I convinced myself that I was strong enough to handle it and also - having not given up hope - that I needed to remind him that I was still here. Guess what? I am sure he was thinking about me, and all I've done is handed him a piece of what little control I had over this situation. Now I think he believes that he will be able to have me as a close friend at some point in time when that's not the impression that I wanted to give him. And it HURTS, even though nothing negative went down. Oh, does it hurt. I had forgotten this level of hurt. I would not recommend it. Good luck. 2
Author KPChick000 Posted May 4, 2013 Author Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks again guys. Kept myself busy and did not contact him. Contacting him would have just been temporary gratification, and I know the aftermath would have been much worse. I resisted the urge and feel proud that I preserved some self-respect. (What did I think I could say?!) Of course I am still hurting. But he doesn't get the privilege to know this anymore.
LoveB86 Posted May 4, 2013 Posted May 4, 2013 (edited) I'm going thru the same thing. We broke up in April. He cheated on me and made her his girlfriend 1 day after ending it with me. They been official for 1 month already as of yesterday. He has not contact me since and I been at NC for 4 weeks too. Unfortunately, I work across the street from him and his gf. Better yet, I kinda know her as we chatted a few times before I found out he cheated I know how you feel. I wonder all the things you are wondering. I worry because now summer is coming up, I know they will both be traveling together alot since he very adventurous. Makes me sad. I don't have facebook or any social media for reasons like this... they are easy evidence to find cheaters, liars, and stalking. I am a outta sight, outta mind type person. I rather not know what he is doing with her. I like to remain a mystery. I don't know what to tell you as I am going thru the same thing. We all are here as your support! Edited May 4, 2013 by LoveB86 1
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