Author Miss1122 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 So OP, just tell him what I said above, not more, not less, and it will be fixed. If you're not kissing after saying that then I will have to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Ok, tell him exactly what? Please rephrase it so I know exactly what to say? Thanks.
outsidethebox Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 It was at bottom of my post, on cell phone and don't want to try copying it. blah blah made me question something that made me happy, I want you to be as happy as you make me.
Author Miss1122 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 It was at bottom of my post, on cell phone and don't want to try copying it. blah blah made me question something that made me happy, I want you to be as happy as you make me. Oh that one. Thanks. How do I bring it up tho? Should I bring up the topic again? I haven't talked to him again and I have not tried texting him.
AnniJake Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Well, he had a relationship and now he broke up that means he is still suffering no doubt a bout it, and needs time to go on, and that's fact. But anyone start a relationship doesn't know if it going to end up in a good way or not, you just rushed everything although your intention was just to be clear which is your right, you didn't do a mistake. But men don't like to be forced to make a decision, so imagine in his case. Not to mention he just went out from a broken relationship. By the way if he didn't find something nice in you he wouldn't bother himself to see you in more than one date. there is one thing I am worry about in his message that ''If you feel this isn't what your looking for I understand". It's either his real personality that doesn't bother himself to fix things or might cuz he is in pain, but for sure he is a sensitive person which is hard to deal with. If you really like him, my advice to you just send him a message or call him by saying hey I have two tickets for something wanna go !!Try to start a new friendship with him , and not mention your previous conversation with him. Act normal like nothing happened, and don't push him to do things , give it time and time is good for both of you. Don't rush things, it's a real life. Hope I helped.
outsidethebox Posted May 5, 2013 Posted May 5, 2013 Oh that one. Thanks. How do I bring it up tho? Should I bring up the topic again? I haven't talked to him again and I have not tried texting him. You have to tell him in person otherwise it will be difficult for him to kiss you. Tell him you want to get together again and see him, you miss him. Not a complicated date with activities yada yada. The sitting together at a small romantic table gazing into each other's eyes. After pleasantries and a glass of wine, tell him all the advice out there made you question something that made you very happy, and that it shouldn't have made you question it, and you want him to be as happy as you are. Nature will take care of the rest.
Author Miss1122 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 You have to tell him in person otherwise it will be difficult for him to kiss you. Tell him you want to get together again and see him, you miss him. Not a complicated date with activities yada yada. The sitting together at a small romantic table gazing into each other's eyes. After pleasantries and a glass of wine, tell him all the advice out there made you question something that made you very happy, and that it shouldn't have made you question it, and you want him to be as happy as you are. Nature will take care of the rest. Thank you for your help. I miss him but maybe I should wait till he contacts me. He usually initiates contact on a Monday or Tuesday to check my schedule for the week. Will see if he's going to do it this coming week. If not, I will contact him. 1
Author Miss1122 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 Well, he had a relationship and now he broke up that means he is still suffering no doubt a bout it, and needs time to go on, and that's fact. But anyone start a relationship doesn't know if it going to end up in a good way or not, you just rushed everything although your intention was just to be clear which is your right, you didn't do a mistake. But men don't like to be forced to make a decision, so imagine in his case. Not to mention he just went out from a broken relationship. By the way if he didn't find something nice in you he wouldn't bother himself to see you in more than one date. there is one thing I am worry about in his message that ''If you feel this isn't what your looking for I understand". It's either his real personality that doesn't bother himself to fix things or might cuz he is in pain, but for sure he is a sensitive person which is hard to deal with. If you really like him, my advice to you just send him a message or call him by saying hey I have two tickets for something wanna go !!Try to start a new friendship with him , and not mention your previous conversation with him. Act normal like nothing happened, and don't push him to do things , give it time and time is good for both of you. Don't rush things, it's a real life. Hope I helped. Thank you. Actually, his exact words are " if it isn't something you had in mind I totally understand". He's an IT manager so fixing things is what he does. I really like him. I will be honest, when I started dating him I wasn't into him. I thought about of not seeing him again but his personality got me. I'm a very attractive girl, alot of people say. He's just an average looking guy to me but there's something about him that made him special. Do you think I should do what other poster say, to tell him that the dating rule made question something that made me very happy and I shouldn't have done it. That I want him to be as happy as he makes me.? I need some feed back please. Thanks.
snowflakes88 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Your only mistake is beating yourself up over being honest with him about you feel. If what you know is that you want a serious relationship -- in general -- you SHOULD tell him that. Otherwise, you could be spinning your wheels with someone who doesn't want what you want, long-term. I would have responded to his text by letting him know that you understand, that you aren't necessarily saying you want to be in a relationship with him right now, but that you do want a serious relationship in general and just wanted to make sure that you guys are on the same page. Pretending that you're cool w/ something casual/light if you really aren't isn't going to get you anywhere. Any time you start playing down your expectations out of fear for scaring someone away, you are already losing. At any rate, his message to you said a lot of things: (1) he's not looking to become serious or exclusive with you anytime soon, (2) he is going to take things very slowly, and (3) he's OK with you walking away if you aren't down with his pace. If you're fine dating him casually and seeing him at the infrequent pace you have been, I'd say to communicate the above to him (that you do want a relationship in general and want to be sure he's on the same page) and ride it out. However, this does NOT sound like a good situation to put all of your eggs in his basket. I'd absolutely be dating other people. He may like you and be interested, but it doesn't sound strong enough to close other options at this point. 1
AnniJake Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Thank you. Actually, his exact words are " if it isn't something you had in mind I totally understand". He's an IT manager so fixing things is what he does. I really like him. I will be honest, when I started dating him I wasn't into him. I thought about of not seeing him again but his personality got me. I'm a very attractive girl, alot of people say. He's just an average looking guy to me but there's something about him that made him special. Do you think I should do what other poster say, to tell him that the dating rule made question something that made me very happy and I shouldn't have done it. That I want him to be as happy as he makes me.? I need some feed back please. Thanks. Let me tell you something, we all like handsome guys, but if he is average but a real man then that's so important cuz beauty goes with time, but what is last is the characters. My advice to you act normal, men like this, don't give the subject that much important like I told you just call him and tell him you have a tickets available for something he is interesting in, like games or museums or movies and try not to discuss things now. Act like friends and see how things go on. Believe me if things got serious he will take a next step.
clia Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Thank you. Actually, his exact words are " if it isn't something you had in mind I totally understand". He's an IT manager so fixing things is what he does. I really like him. I will be honest, when I started dating him I wasn't into him. I thought about of not seeing him again but his personality got me. I'm a very attractive girl, alot of people say. He's just an average looking guy to me but there's something about him that made him special. Do you think I should do what other poster say, to tell him that the dating rule made question something that made me very happy and I shouldn't have done it. That I want him to be as happy as he makes me.? I need some feed back please. Thanks. I don't think you should bring this topic up again with him. You know where he stands; you don't need to beat a dead horse. We women like to overanalyze everything and dwell on it, and most men just don't do this. He has probably already moved on and forgotten about it. Just act normal next time you see him, and be fun and light and breezy. I do think you should be honest with yourself, though. You want more than he does out of this relationship. If you are capable of handling this, then by all means keep seeing him, but know that you are only going to get more attached to him. How are you going to feel in another three months when the two of you are still casual, and he's still seeing other women? Better or worse than you do now? I agree with snowflakes88 -- you should be dating others.
Keenly Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Six months is plenty of time. Maybe he just doesn't want to get hurt again. Once again there is people telling you to bail for pretty much no reason at all... ignore them and just continue forward.
Author Miss1122 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 I don't think you should bring this topic up again with him. You know where he stands; you don't need to beat a dead horse. We women like to overanalyze everything and dwell on it, and most men just don't do this. He has probably already moved on and forgotten about it. Just act normal next time you see him, and be fun and light and breezy. I do think you should be honest with yourself, though. You want more than he does out of this relationship. If you are capable of handling this, then by all means keep seeing him, but know that you are only going to get more attached to him. How are you going to feel in another three months when the two of you are still casual, and he's still seeing other women? Better or worse than you do now? I agree with snowflakes88 -- you should be dating others. Honestly, I don't think he's seeing other people. Like I said the weekends we weren't seeing each other, he was on trips with friends. When he comes back, he sends pictures to my email. He spends so much money taking me out. Last time, he probably spent around $400 for just one date. I don't think guys can multidate and spend that much on each date. I date other people. It makes me feel guilty sometimes knowing I am dating a great guy and I am still looking. Sometimes, I think thats probably why I loose the good ones because I don't appreciate them by going out with other guys. Anyway, he usually initiates communication early during the week to see what's up with me and to ask hows my schedule like for the week. I will keep you guys posted. Thank you for all the help!
clia Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I agree with MJWasHere that you need to stop focusing on how much he is spending on you. You've only been out with him 5 times in two months. That's not even once a week. So, the fact that he spent $400 on you on your last date doesn't impress me a whole lot. (Especially if it included a show and hotel room -- that sounds like a special occasion, not a typical date.) While $400 may seem like a lot of money to you, depending on what he does for a living that might be pocket change to him. When you tell me he is taking you out 3-4 times a week and spending $400 each time, I'll change my tune. The fact is -- you have no idea if he is seeing other women, or how much he might be spending on them. You don't see him every week, you don't talk to him every day, and the two of you are not exclusive. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was dating other women, or at least looking. He certainly has plenty of time to do it. But by all means, keep seeing him. He may be a great guy, but he doesn't want to be exclusive with you, so you should be dating others. You do yourself a disservice by tying yourself down to him when he isn't doing the same. Please keep us posted. I really hope you don't get hurt.
Keenly Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 It's looking more and more these days like men are not allowed to just be "guarded." If a man wants to take it slow, he must have other women on the side according to this logic. You people have to understand that some times a man gets hurt, and he gets hurt bad. He is afraid of ever getting hurt like that again, so he prefers to go at a pace he knows he is comfortable with. Maybe he wants to go slow because of this, but instead everyone is jumping on how he must have some one else and he must not really care. Most of the people giving advice have never been a man 6 months out of a relationship before, so I don't understand how they can claim to know whats going on with him.
clia Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 It's looking more and more these days like men are not allowed to just be "guarded." He has every right to be guarded and to take the relationship as slowly as he wants. The issue in this instance is that the OP wants something more serious. He doesn't. He needs some unspecified period of time to decide whether or not they are compatible. This is a recipe for disaster. If a man wants to take it slow, he must have other women on the side according to this logic. If a man doesn't want to be exclusive (i.e., commit to not dating others to focus on each other, not commit to get married) after two months of dating, then that indicates he is keeping his options open and wants to date other women. Maybe he doesn't have other women on the side right at this moment, but he is keeping his options open so that he is free to date whoever he wants, whenever he wants. If the OP's guy wanted to just move slowly, he could have reassured her by saing "Listen, I'm not interested in seeing anyone else right now, but I do need to take it slow." He didn't say that. In fact, he told her if she wasn't happy with the arrangement she was free to move on. He's not amping up their relationship. He's casually dating her once every two weeks or so, and keeping her on the sidelines. You people have to understand that some times a man gets hurt, and he gets hurt bad. He is afraid of ever getting hurt like that again, so he prefers to go at a pace he knows he is comfortable with. Maybe he wants to go slow because of this, but instead everyone is jumping on how he must have some one else and he must not really care. I do understand that. The issue I have is that the OP could waste a whole lot of time with this hurt, scared guy while he's being wishy washy and slow and deciding whether he wants to be with her...and then at the end of the day he may never want to be exclusive with her. I think she just needs to have her eyes open if she is going to continue dating him, and to not put all of her eggs into this one basket. Most of the people giving advice have never been a man 6 months out of a relationship before, so I don't understand how they can claim to know whats going on with him. I've dated these guys. So have my friends. And you know what happens? They are wishy washy, and like to talk about how hurt they were, and they just need to take things slow, and their so scared, and then BAM! They meet the right woman and they have no problem being exclusive and committing to her. When a guy meets the right woman, he has no problem taking her off the market as soon as possible, no matter how hurt and scared he proclaims to be. 2
outsidethebox Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 OP, it's been awhile, but if I recall my advice was based on a cooling off and perhaps not even hearing from him. Obviously if there is no change in seeing you there is no reason to say anything. If there is a change and you don't hear from him, as you said you'll take some action. That's the scenario I thought we were dealing with from your post. If he is still seeing you with no change to your relationship, then I agree with above posters. Not sure what I was going by at this point but hope all continues well for you.
Author Miss1122 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 I agree with MJWasHere that you need to stop focusing on how much he is spending on you. You've only been out with him 5 times in two months. That's not even once a week. So, the fact that he spent $400 on you on your last date doesn't impress me a whole lot. (Especially if it included a show and hotel room -- that sounds like a special occasion, not a typical date.) While $400 may seem like a lot of money to you, depending on what he does for a living that might be pocket change to him. When you tell me he is taking you out 3-4 times a week and spending $400 each time, I'll change my tune. The fact is -- you have no idea if he is seeing other women, or how much he might be spending on them. You don't see him every week, you don't talk to him every day, and the two of you are not exclusive. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he was dating other women, or at least looking. He certainly has plenty of time to do it. But by all means, keep seeing him. He may be a great guy, but he doesn't want to be exclusive with you, so you should be dating others. You do yourself a disservice by tying yourself down to him when he isn't doing the same. Please keep us posted. I really hope you don't get hurt. I know what you guys are trying to say. You guys don't want me to get hurt. I appreciate it. This is how we communicate. He's been the one initiating the communication. When he goes on a trip which is often, he emails me pictures from his trip. Ask about my day. How did I spend my weekend. I reply by sending him an email. The email will just keep going until we see each other again. Then sometimes I will get a text from him just saying to be safe and have fun at work. I work night shift. We don't text everyday but we communicate often enough by email. Except last week, we barely talked. Maybe it has something to do with what I brought up. Anyway, I hope to hear from him tomorrow. If not, I'm thinking of waiting for another week and maybe try to contact him.
outsidethebox Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 That's what I thought I remembered. Barely talked. Wasn't sure if you would hear from him like before, etc.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 I know what you guys are trying to say. You guys don't want me to get hurt. I appreciate it. This is how we communicate. He's been the one initiating the communication. When he goes on a trip which is often, he emails me pictures from his trip. Ask about my day. How did I spend my weekend. I reply by sending him an email. The email will just keep going until we see each other again. Then sometimes I will get a text from him just saying to be safe and have fun at work. I work night shift. We don't text everyday but we communicate often enough by email. Except last week, we barely talked. Maybe it has something to do with what I brought up. Anyway, I hope to hear from him tomorrow. If not, I'm thinking of waiting for another week and maybe try to contact him. It's not just about you getting hurt...that is usually going to happen regardless, you can mainly prevent the degree in which you are hurt...which obviously you cannot really get too far down that road because this guy isn't giving you the time of day for the most part. It's about being able to make smart decisions and using better judgment BEFORE you go down the road of learning a lesson the hard way and just wasting your time and energy. Because the problem is this behavior becomes repetitious, you'll see women complain about this constantly, however they don't change the behavior, make different decisions and continue pursuing clearly unavailable men because in their mind there's always a "chance" and they'd hate to pass up a "potential" opportunity, but if you really get out of your own head, you'll see that much of this is manifested by your own mind and your own desire to read into things thinking it's something more than it is...when the proof is there, the man is showing the reality, you just don't want to accept it because he say "this or that" or does this little thing every once in a while that you let convince you otherwise. I really have a hard time understanding why women don't see themselves in other women and in similar situations but instead always assume they are the exception to the rule. You need to learn one thing, the most valuable thing to a man is his time. That's more valuable to men than money, emails, conversation, texts, phone calls...a man having to be there, in your face, spending time with you is the most difficult thing for men to do, that is the one thing that cannot be compromised, because a man can't disappear or do what he wants, he has to be there in your face, giving you his time, attention and men don't want to do that unless they're really into a woman....trust me, if men have money they'd rather spend money than spend the time unless spending time saves them the money. But men who have money and don't mind spending it, have no issues supplementing that for time, it's a no-brainer. All you're going to do is blame yourself for this, try to give him more "space" and time, which honestly I'd love to hear your opinion on why men change with space and time, I'd love to hear that assessment or even why you think he's taking it so slow that he'd rather only see you every so often if he were that into you. But you're holding onto very little here, this guy has given from a mans point of view, nothing of very emotional significance, it's all otherwise just things he can give to any other woman and he likely is with the spacing and time frame in which he is seeing you...he might even have a GF already.
Author Miss1122 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 It's not just about you getting hurt...that is usually going to happen regardless, you can mainly prevent the degree in which you are hurt...which obviously you cannot really get too far down that road because this guy isn't giving you the time of day for the most part. It's about being able to make smart decisions and using better judgment BEFORE you go down the road of learning a lesson the hard way and just wasting your time and energy. Because the problem is this behavior becomes repetitious, you'll see women complain about this constantly, however they don't change the behavior, make different decisions and continue pursuing clearly unavailable men because in their mind there's always a "chance" and they'd hate to pass up a "potential" opportunity, but if you really get out of your own head, you'll see that much of this is manifested by your own mind and your own desire to read into things thinking it's something more than it is...when the proof is there, the man is showing the reality, you just don't want to accept it because he say "this or that" or does this little thing every once in a while that you let convince you otherwise. I really have a hard time understanding why women don't see themselves in other women and in similar situations but instead always assume they are the exception to the rule. You need to learn one thing, the most valuable thing to a man is his time. That's more valuable to men than money, emails, conversation, texts, phone calls...a man having to be there, in your face, spending time with you is the most difficult thing for men to do, that is the one thing that cannot be compromised, because a man can't disappear or do what he wants, he has to be there in your face, giving you his time, attention and men don't want to do that unless they're really into a woman....trust me, if men have money they'd rather spend money than spend the time unless spending time saves them the money. But men who have money and don't mind spending it, have no issues supplementing that for time, it's a no-brainer. All you're going to do is blame yourself for this, try to give him more "space" and time, which honestly I'd love to hear your opinion on why men change with space and time, I'd love to hear that assessment or even why you think he's taking it so slow that he'd rather only see you every so often if he were that into you. But you're holding onto very little here, this guy has given from a mans point of view, nothing of very emotional significance, it's all otherwise just things he can give to any other woman and he likely is with the spacing and time frame in which he is seeing you...he might even have a GF already. That's another thing. I know people say 5 dates were not alot but when we go out on a date, we spend the whole day together. Couple times we were together for 12 hours doing different activities.
snowflakes88 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 Any way you slice it, 5 dates in 2 months is below minimal. I think you'd have a hard time finding someone to agree with you that it's not. Which is why I especially think you shouldn't put too much stock in the length of the dates or how much he spends as an indicator of his interest.
candie13 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 girl, I have only one advice for all women who all of a sudden start fretting about a dude: multidate! honestly! I am not saying you should kiss all of them, or sleep with all of them. I am saying you should be putting yourself out there and meeting other men. Because if one of them is starting to take you for granted, seeing other men courting you will only remind you of how you should be treated. Multidating helps comparing and contrasting, helps one form an objective opinion. Oh, and contacting him is like the world's poorest idea. My honest advice to not give in to temptation: delete his contact. This way, if he gets lost, even if you do feel tempted to call him, you won't be able to. And if you're smart, between this week and the next, you're gonna meet a lot of guys and have at least one date with at least two different guys. Yes, that may be a lot, but you seem a bit fallen for this type, so shake it off. Who knows, you may actually meet someone who feels the same way you do, in this process. As NIP put it before, you're a woman, you got ZERO time to waste. So put on your sexy heels and enjoy, my lovely! cheers 1
candie13 Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 P.S. FYI, I've deleted my current bf's number a million times. And I remember two times when that really helped me out. In all honesty, I did come off as a bit of a witch, but giving him the occasion to go, think, explore and space to come back made all the difference. If you do all the work for this guy, it will never work. You've already said what you were thinking. No need to apologize, take it back or clarify. He is NOT stupid, he understood it very well. It's done. If he likes you and feels the same way, he will continue to see you. Otherwise, he won't. So let him decide. And most importantly, let him feel you are dead serious. I mean it. No calling, no sweet talking. I may be a bit of a savage, but I don't think men in the US look up to doormats. Apologies for being a bit more harsh, I simply don't think you should bend over a guy who saw you 5 times in 2 months. there are 60 days in 2 months. He say you less than once every 10 days... that should tell you something, c'mon, do the math!
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) That's another thing. I know people say 5 dates were not alot but when we go out on a date, we spend the whole day together. Couple times we were together for 12 hours doing different activities. Miss...I don't know if you're out of touch with reality or just really inexperienced and hopeful but....12 hour dates....is not exactly out of the norm. A lot of people meet people and spend days together from the get-go. A lot of people spend almost the entire week together, and every following week after that and the week after that. Seeing each other every chance they get, or every weekend. Now there is not standard or common experience, everybody has a different comfort level/personality and everybody has their own experience but to justify "a lot" because you have five 12 hour dates, is a very generous assessment to assume that someone is interested in you. When many people have spent as much time in the first week than you have in an entire two months with this guy and counting. Moving "slow" would be continuing to see you but not jumping into bed, or in a relationship or just taking your time getting to know each other but still investing a consistent amount of time together or talking at the least. It does not mean you hardly see the person then say "oh it's because I'm taking things slow", it's just an excuse, men use it all the time...it's called cake-eating, and there is really is no loss/consequence/or down-side because for them, you could ultimately come or go, you either accept it or not, and if you don't they'll just simply find somebody else who will tolerate/accept being an option. And of course there are those who just think that maybe he'll see how great and amazing you are and want to be with you, but it's not about that...that's not the point. When a guy says he's not ready for a relationship and any variation of that...take him seriously, don't try to wiggle around it and think there's still an opportunity that you can change his mind or he will change it because of you....oldest trick in the book. Edited May 6, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
Author Miss1122 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Posted May 6, 2013 P.S. FYI, I've deleted my current bf's number a million times. And I remember two times when that really helped me out. In all honesty, I did come off as a bit of a witch, but giving him the occasion to go, think, explore and space to come back made all the difference. If you do all the work for this guy, it will never work. You've already said what you were thinking. No need to apologize, take it back or clarify. He is NOT stupid, he understood it very well. It's done. If he likes you and feels the same way, he will continue to see you. Otherwise, he won't. So let him decide. And most importantly, let him feel you are dead serious. I mean it. No calling, no sweet talking. I may be a bit of a savage, but I don't think men in the US look up to doormats. Apologies for being a bit more harsh, I simply don't think you should bend over a guy who saw you 5 times in 2 months. there are 60 days in 2 months. He say you less than once every 10 days... that should tell you something, c'mon, do the math! I'm not trying to depend this guy but in 7 weeks that I've known him, he has travelled 5 times with friends mostly weekend trips( they were planned trips) but he tried to make time to see me despite working a full time job managing a company and working as a freelance consultant so I give him credit for that. But you guys were right, I shouldn't work hard to keep this going. I just feel that I'm not doing my best to keep the guy that I like. I've never initiated contact with him ever. No "Good morning" or " how are you" texts initiated by me. He's the one always initiating contact. He's paid for all our dates. I've never done anything for him that would make me look unique in his eyes. A friend said before that I should act sweet and text him sometimes but I was afraid that I would scare him. I guess I did scare him anyway.
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