How do I fix this?? I like him!

[Miss1122]

This guy I'm dating for about two months starting to grown on me. I don't see him alot, we've been on 5 dates. But each one, he made it very special.

 

Anyway, last time we were together we watched a show, we had dinner, drink and we went dancing after. It was far from where we both live so he rented a room at a classy hotel. I know he likes me otherwise he wouldn't spend this much money on me.

 

During the time when we were drinking, we kinda talked about our past relationships. I try to avoid this topic because I don't want to know anything about the past that's irrelevant. Anyway, I found out that he's last relationship ofmone year ended in December. It bugs me because it was just recent. I'm thinking maybe hes using me to move on or something.

 

I tried to ignore it but I couldn't so after we parted ways, I texted him and ask him about it. I told him I'm not into some fling and I'm looking for something serious. This is what he replied to me. " you're not just a fling but also I'm not looking to rush into anything. I like you and attracted to you but for long term it will take a while to tell if there's enough compatibility. If you feel this isn't what your looking for I understand".

 

I know I messed up when I brought up about that issue. I was only concern that he may not over his ex, which he said hes over her already. That's all I wanted to know but I think he thought I was looking for a relationship already. Please help. How do I fix it? I don't want him to run away. He said hes working on a big project and maybe busy for a little while.

[Treasa]

"Yes, you're absolutely right. That's all I'd like to do as well. :)"

[Miss1122]

"Yes, you're absolutely right. That's all I'd like to do as well. :)"

 

Should I bring up that topic again? When I replied to him when we were talking I told him I'm not rushing to be in a relationship as well. That's what I said. I didn't want him to think that I was asking for a relationship this soon.

 

I know he likes me because he treats really well when I'm with him. He actually spoils me. He does things to impress me. He's a really nice guy and I don't want to loose him because I'm stupid to let my emotion took over me.

[tricolors]

Yeah...I'm a man, but I've been in your exact same situation before.

 

You don't need to fix anything. Just tell him you're fine with things the way they are and that you agree to his pace.

 

I've told a woman I looking for a committed relationship before, and she went on a whole tirade about how she wasn't ready. At the end of this statement, she said "If you don't want to talk to me anymore that's fine, but I'm willing to see where things go with you."

 

I told her I most certainly didn't want to stop seeing her, and things were fine after that, and we kept dating. Simple.

[Jefezen]

I don't think there's anything to fix. Act nonchalant as though the discussion never came up and just continue to date him, as long as you're okay with proceeding at his cautious pace.

[soccerrprp]

Yeah, I'm a little confused too. You DO want a relationship. You effectively said so yourself.

 

"I'm looking for something serious."

 

I think you're in a pickle and staging yourself to be hurt. You want what he is not ready for. If you resist your feelings, than you are going to get hurt if he moves on. You don't want the same things for now.

 

Tell him, reiterate, that you are looking to take your time with this. No rush, but still be honest and also tell him that you are not looking for a fling. You did that.

 

He says that he is over his ex. He broke up only 4 months ago or so. I think you should be cautious.

 

Sorry, not certain what else to say.

[Miss1122]

Yeah, I'm a little confused too. You DO want a relationship. You effectively said so yourself.

 

"I'm looking for something serious."

 

I think you're in a pickle and staging yourself to be hurt. You want what he is not ready for. If you resist your feelings, than you are going to get hurt if he moves on. You don't want the same things for now.

 

Tell him, reiterate, that you are looking to take your time with this. No rush, but still be honest and also tell him that you are not looking for a fling. You did that.

 

He says that he is over his ex. He broke up only 4 months ago or so. I think you should be cautious.

 

Sorry, not certain what else to say.

 

What I meant was I'm not looking for a fling. I'm looking for something serious but I don't mean that I want to be in a relationship now with him. To be in a relationship, I know it will take some time. I understand if he's not ready because we've only been dating for two months, me myself is not ready either. But my intention to date is to be in a serious relationship if the person is the right one. That's what I meant.

[tricolors]

What I meant was I'm not looking for a fling. I'm looking for something serious but I don't mean that I want to be in a relationship now with him. To be in a relationship, I know it will take some time. I understand if he's not ready because we've only been dating for two months, me myself is not ready either. But my intention to date is to be in a serious relationship if the person is the right one. That's what I meant.

 

I understand what you're saying. It's fine. Keep doing what you're doing.

[Miss1122]

Ok if that is truly how you feel, then just carry on as you have been. Like prior poster said, act like it never happened. Don't bring it up and try to "correct" it.

 

What was the last contact with him? How did you leave it?

 

I would just wait for him to contact you, so you dont appear anxious or over invested.

 

Also, how long was he with his ex that he broke up with 4 months ago?

 

That was my only concern why I said I was looking for something serious. He said they were together for almost a year.

 

The last time we spoke was Tuesday. We were texting and I was the one who ended the conversation. I didn't reply to his last message. It was just a comment he made saying all he meant was all good things about me. I was out with friends and I didn't get a chance to reply. We don't text everyday. I don't see him every week either. But when we see each other we spend the whole day together.

[Miss1122]

So should I not try to explain to him what I meant? I think he thought I was asking for a relationship now. Which I'm not. I'm looking for something serious thats my intent why I date but it will come in time.

[Miss1122]

NO i definitely would not bring it up again. If he asks you out again just go on like normal, like it was never said. You had the converation - he was clear what he wanted and was willing to offer. so it will be implied (in his mind) that you are agreeable with that if you go out with him again.

 

I definitely would just wait to hear from him though b/c 1) he said he'd be busy with work; and 2) you dont want him to think your pushing for more, you want him to think your fine with how things are going.

 

I was thinking of doing something for him like sending a link to some interesting sites that would make him smile. I know he's stress out at work. Maybe it's not a good idea then?

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're already trying too hard. And you've already made your intentions clear...the real problem is you don't want to hear the truth or accept it.

 

This guy isn't looking for anything serious, he may just be trying to get his feet wet back into the dating world...that means he'll either slip into a relationship on accident or is not interested in one.

 

He want's to take things slow...and that at this time doesn't necessarily involve you, men are thinking about themselves, not "us"...they're thinking about what they need, want, desire and you're thinking about eventually this leading into a relationship....like most women. So for men it's no surprise a girl wants something serious, you hear it all the time...some guys either brush it off and ignore your wants because it's such a common thing to hear, or keep you at an arm's distance (all the while you think things are progressing) or just leave at the moment things become too "serious". There's always a time where things feel like they're becoming more serious and that's when most men will back away.

 

All you want to do is play the typical game of pretending to want nothing serious so that he will continue to see you and like you, you don't want to upset him or "mess anything up" which is quite sad, because that's how you get yourself into stupid situations...but you already know that.

 

Then you're going to tell yourself "he's over his ex" because he said so, even if he starts acting like he isn't, you'll keep the broken record of "well he said this, he said that..." when who gives a damn what he said! it's what he does...but since you'll want to coax this guy into a relationship you'll ignore the obvious flags and manipulate yourself into believing whatever it is that you think in that head of yours so that you can continue seeing him because you "like him".

 

If he's not over it, he's not over it, there's nothing you can do. If he's saying he's working on a big project and will be busy, he's telling you to back off, he's got other priorities and you're just someone is he casually dating...that's what he's interested in right now, but don't expect men to be honest with you and tell you the truth, they sure as hell don't even do it on LS forums, so you can bet they aren't going to do it in real life.

 

Just sit back in your corner like a good puppy until he calls you, that way you won't smother him with affection/neediness. A guy like this will want you to do things on his watch/time, when it's most convenient for him and then he might actually feel the need to chase just because you're being distant...there you go, knock yourself out.

Edited May 3, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Miss1122]

You're already trying too hard. And you've already made your intentions clear...the real problem is you don't want to hear the truth or accept it.

 

This guy isn't looking for anything serious, he may just be trying to get his feet wet back into the dating world...that means he'll either slip into a relationship on accident or is not interested in one.

 

He want's to take things slow...and that at this time doesn't necessarily involve you, men are thinking about themselves, not "us"...they're thinking about what they need, want, desire and you're thinking about eventually this leading into a relationship....like most women. So for men it's no surprise a girl wants something serious, you hear it all the time...some guys either brush it off and ignore your wants because it's such a common thing to hear, or keep you at an arm's distance (all the while you think things are progressing) or just leave at the moment things become too "serious". There's always a time where things feel like they're becoming more serious and that's when most men will back away.

 

All you want to do is play the typical game of pretending to want nothing serious so that he will continue to see you and like you, you don't want to upset him or "mess anything up" which is quite sad, because that's how you get yourself into stupid situations...but you already know that.

 

Then you're going to tell yourself "he's over his ex" because he said so, even if he starts acting like he isn't, you'll keep the broken record of "well he said this, he said that..." when who gives a damn what he said! it's what he does...but since you'll want to coax this guy into a relationship you'll ignore the obvious flags and manipulate yourself into believing whatever it is that you think in that head of yours so that you can continue seeing him because you "like him".

 

If he's not over it, he's not over it, there's nothing you can do. If he's saying he's working on a big project and will be busy, he's telling you to back off, he's got other priorities and you're just someone is he casually dating...that's what he's interested in right now, but don't expect men to be honest with you and tell you the truth, they sure as hell don't even do it on LS forums, so you can bet they aren't going to do it in real life.

 

Just sit back in your corner like a good puppy until he calls you, that way you won't smother him with affection/neediness. A guy like this will want you to do things on his watch/time, when it's most convenient for him and then he might actually feel the need to chase just because you're being distant...there you go, knock yourself out.

 

Let me clear things up, before the " looking for something serious" conversation, there wasn't any red flags at all. We talk, I see him. Honestly, I wasn't into him much in the beginning. He was more the one very persistent. He was trying to really impress me. Even on our last date. He treats me well. I don't see him much but we just barely started dating so I understand.

 

The only red flag was after we had that conversation, when he said he was gonna be busy because he's working on a big project which he told me about before. Before that, everything was great so I don't know why I even brought it up.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Let me clear things up, before the " looking for something serious" conversation, there wasn't any red flags at all. We talk, I see him. Honestly, I wasn't into him much in the beginning. He was more the one very persistent. He was trying to really impress me. Even on our last date. He treats me well. I don't see him much but we just barely started dating so I understand.

 

The only red flag was after we had that conversation, when he said he was gonna be busy because he's working on a big project which he told me about before. Before that, everything was great so I don't know why I even brought it up.

 

So you weren't that into him in the beginning? so what?...you know what some guys like to do? pursue the girl that "isn't that into him" then have her at his feet when she "falls for him", it's an ego boost and a challenge...because everything changes after that point, that's when a man gets the "power"...if it gets to that point, which if he is persistent and continues to invest a lot of "effort" a man will usually reach, but even for women...it's the challenge to get men into relationships, even if you're not even crazy about the guy!, just simply for security/exclusivity.

 

The red flags here are that this guys doesn't seem to act like he's interested in a serious relationship and his words align that...they should be interpreted as "look, I need a lot of time and personal space...I'm busy here but still putting some effort into you, this isn't ultimately about "us" right now...even though "we" are dating"....after all, he's the one pursuing you in this case right?

 

So what's the fault of telling him what you are "looking for" then? Plus out of two months you've only seen each other 5 times! you think he's just taking it "slow"? the only reason he'd take it slow is because he's not that into you and the challenge isn't there and also he's not pursuing anything serious anyway!

 

And what is with this "he treats me well"...so what, doesn't mean he intends to be in a relationship with you, because you treat someone with respect and a human being, wow, must mean he's a "great guy"...you hardly know the guy! you've known him 5 dates!

 

You brought it up because like most women, they want to feel like they are working and investing towards something...something progressive. But here I think you're going to find yourself in a very long road, and I have no idea why you'd be scared expressing your needs unless you felt like he wouldn't like it or didn't respond the way you hoped, which is what this is really about.

 

At the end of the day you're going to stick around and "see where it goes" anyway, so what's the point in even overthinking this? many women will tell you not to, not because it's the right thing to do, but because in the end you're going to do what you want anyway.

 

So why kid yourself? It's clear this guy is very very likely not looking for something serious right now and you very likely will be a rebound, but that never stopped anyone right? why should you let it stop you. Not enough *evidence* to prove that................................yet.

[Miss1122]

You brought it up b/c it was what you were feeling at the time.

 

I think you DO want a relationship with him, or at least want him to assure you you're heading towards a relationship with him, so you arent wasting your time so to speak.

 

In other words, you have a difficult time with uncertainty and not being in control?

 

I see it all the time with women - they want to know WHEN hes gonna call, IF hes gonna call, HOW he feels, WHEN they're going out again, WHERE the dating is heading. They have a difficult time just relaxing during the initial stages. They inevitably bring it up somehow, usually sending the guy running. Not b/c its unheard of to talk about your dating goals, but because the way they do so seems clingy/anxious/controlling.

 

I agree him saying he's gonna be busy is not a great sign. I mean, we're all busy, right? I suspect like Ninja said, he's just getting his toes wet back into dating, and does not want any type of relationship. That doesnt mean he doesnt want to take you (or another girl) out, wine and dine you, spend money, give you attention, and get attention in return. He just doesnt want it to evolve into a relationship anytime soon.

 

I don't want a relationship with him now. But I know if we keep seeing each other, I would develop strong feelings for him later. He's a very likeable guy. A great guy. So I want to get to know him more. At this point, I don't know exactly what to do.

[Miss1122]

So you weren't that into him in the beginning? so what?...you know what some guys like to do? pursue the girl that "isn't that into him" then have her at his feet when she "falls for him", it's an ego boost and a challenge...because everything changes after that point, that's when a man gets the "power"...if it gets to that point, which if he is persistent and continues to invest a lot of "effort" a man will usually reach, but even for women...it's the challenge to get men into relationships, even if you're not even crazy about the guy!, just simply for security/exclusivity.

 

The red flags here are that this guys doesn't seem to act like he's interested in a serious relationship and his words align that...they should be interpreted as "look, I need a lot of time and personal space...I'm busy here but still putting some effort into you, this isn't ultimately about "us" right now...even though "we" are dating"....after all, he's the one pursuing you in this case right?

 

So what's the fault of telling him what you are "looking for" then? Plus out of two months you've only seen each other 5 times! you think he's just taking it "slow"? the only reason he'd take it slow is because he's not that into you and the challenge isn't there and also he's not pursuing anything serious anyway!

 

And what is with this "he treats me well"...so what, doesn't mean he intends to be in a relationship with you, because you treat someone with respect and a human being, wow, must mean he's a "great guy"...you hardly know the guy! you've known him 5 dates!

 

You brought it up because like most women, they want to feel like they are working and investing towards something...something progressive. But here I think you're going to find yourself in a very long road, and I have no idea why you'd be scared expressing your needs unless you felt like he wouldn't like it or didn't respond the way you hoped, which is what this is really about.

 

At the end of the day you're going to stick around and "see where it goes" anyway, so what's the point in even overthinking this? many women will tell you not to, not because it's the right thing to do, but because in the end you're going to do what you want anyway.

 

So why kid yourself? It's clear this guy is very very likely not looking for something serious right now and you very likely will be a rebound, but that never stopped anyone right? why should you let it stop you. Not enough *evidence* to prove that................................yet.

 

We only saw each other 5x because he was travelling with friends. They were planned weekend trips. I understand if he's not looking for something serious right now because its only been two months of dating. Seven weeks to be exact.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't want a relationship with him now. But I know if we keep seeing each other, I would develop strong feelings for him later. He's a very likeable guy. A great guy. So I want to get to know him more. At this point, I don't know exactly what to do.

 

Not only is that one of the most common techniques women use to "buy themselves time" as if by some miracle and at some point, said man will be ready lol...seriously who taught women to think this way? or what?

 

Of course you're going to get more invested if you keep seeing him, a teenager could tell you that! and then he'll magically become more likeable and a "great guy"...how old are you? do you not realize how this works yet?

 

You're not going to do anything! Women don't do anything, they stick around....they at the end of all this thinking and "venting" they just simply sit there and wait, women just like to talk about this then they go home sit on the bed and compartmentalize all of this and at the end just "give it a chance" (whatever the hell that means!)..."hoping" that things will change as you develop more feelings and become an emotional blob, infatuated with some random man once again.

[Ninjainpajamas]

We only saw each other 5x because he was travelling with friends. They were planned weekend trips. I understand if he's not looking for something serious right now because its only been two months of dating. Seven weeks to be exact.

 

Then what in the world makes you think this guy is ready to induct someone into his life...seriously? oh and now that's hes back he's "busy with a big project"

 

The dude is almost guaranteed to be dating/seeing other women, and this has nothing to do with what you want, the fact that you don't want anything serious simply falls perfectly into his behavior and pattern.

 

But don't worry, you don't want a relationship...."right now" Men, just magically at some point decide that "Oh, I'm going to make this girl priority, the center of my world....I'm just not ready yet!"...I'm telling you as a guy and from knowing men my entire life, this is BS...but go ahead, take your chances, you're going to anyway!

[Miss1122]

Not only is that one of the most common techniques women use to "buy themselves time" as if by some miracle and at some point, said man will be ready lol...seriously who taught women to think this way? or what?

 

Of course you're going to get more invested if you keep seeing him, a teenager could tell you that! and then he'll magically become more likeable and a "great guy"...how old are you? do you not realize how this works yet?

 

You're not going to do anything! Women don't do anything, they stick around....they at the end of all this thinking and "venting" they just simply sit there and wait, women just like to talk about this then they go home sit on the bed and compartmentalize all of this and at the end just "give it a chance" (whatever the hell that means!)..."hoping" that things will change as you develop more feelings and become an emotional blob, infatuated with some random man once again.

 

I understand your point. But I want to try it and if nothing comes out of it then I will move on. At least I have no regrets. My gut feeling is telling me that he likes me and that I should just give him time. I could tell it by the way he treated me. Oh and he met my mom and my sis. He plays with my lil nephew.

 

He has rearranged his schedule just to see me. He took off early from work to spend time with me. He drove 40 miles to take me to a real cool place for a date. He went hiking with me even he wasn't feeling good even I said it was ok we didn't have to go. He still went because he promised me he would take me that weekend).

 

He thinks I'm a really cool girl and a great catch. He even said that I'm a complete package. I just don't want to give up if there's a potential for something in the future.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I understand your point. But I want to try it and if nothing comes out of it then I will move on. At least I have no regrets. My gut feeling is telling me that he likes me and that I should just give him time. I could tell it by the way he treated me. Oh and he met my mom and my sis. He plays with my lil nephew.

 

He has rearranged his schedule just to see me. He took off early from work to spend time with me. He drove 40 miles to take me to a real cool place for a date. He went hiking with me even he wasn't feeling good even I said it was ok we didn't have to go. He still went because he promised me he would take me that weekend).

 

He thinks I'm a really cool girl and a great catch. He even said that I'm a complete package. I just don't want to give up if there's a potential for something in the future.

 

The bold sentence above is how I've seen many women waste their time and youth, in pseudo relationships with men that generally ultimately do not go anywhere. You need to make sure you give yourself a "realistic" time frame. Unfortunately for women, they become increasingly attached and emotional over time, so it's not like you can just say "oh I'm going to give it a chance then walk away if he doesn't want what I want"....what happens is you of course, continue on, because like you're feeling now, you want to "give things a chance"...by the time you want to walk away, or try to walk away...it's too late.

 

But I realize there is apart of you that is curious and in a way determined to find out what's on the other side of that door...what "potential" there is. I want to remind you that you are not looking at this situation from two directions however, you're only considering your own feelings. This is shaping your expectations, and you're using whatever you can to justify this has "promise"...

 

- He met my mom and sis

- He plays with my nephew

- He drove 40 miles to take me somewhere

- He went hiking even though he didn't want to or feel well

- He says I'm a really cool girl and great catch

 

In your mind that justifies that he's into you. But what if things are completely different on his end, did you ever think of that?

 

- I don't care if I meet her mom and sis, that just happened, I didn't even put much thought into it, or I just didn't mind...never thought she would read into it

- I like kids

- I wanted to go here because I thought it was a cool place, for me and her, I also like to show people this place as it's neat

- I went hiking because I kept my promise, even though I didn't want to go, I'd rather not back out, I wanted to keep my word...40 miles isn't a big drive to me, I enjoy driving it's relaxing anyway

- She's a cool girl and a great catch...I tell all women this that I really like, that might have just been a compliment...doesn't mean I'm ready for a relationship

 

I'm trying to make things a little less "confusing" when he still....doesn't want a relationship, when he tells you he doesn't have the time or whatever excuse, when he fails to make you a priority. And when you're thinking "why doesn't he want to be with me, he said I'm a great catch, who doesn't want to be with a great catch...am I not good enough, oh darn, I feel so sad now"

 

His state of mind and being....has nothing to do with you. If he's not looking for a relationship and he doesn't want one, and he's not over his ex... there is nothing that is going to happen from here till then (whenever you've decided enough is enough) that will change things, that's where a lot of women get "confused", it's not because the obvious signs aren't there, it's because you refuse to see and accept them.

 

It's not just about, you.

[outsidethebox]

Miss1122 wrote: "Anyway, I found out that his last relationship of one year ended in December. It bugs me because it was just recent. I'm thinking maybe he's using me to move on or something."

 

This is the key. Notice bugs is present tense. In addition you say you don't want to know about past that's irrelevant and turns out last relationship is relevant to you.

 

The guy was treating you great and you didn't trust him based on a generalized rebound fear. If you're going to have rebound fears, then past is relevant and you have to say not interested until a certain amount of time has passed because I don't trust you.

 

But I don't think you want any of that and would have liked to have not made an issue of it. It's not even possible to use you unless you expected a long term relationship and he didn't, and even that isn't true.

 

So fixing it is telling him these dating rules people throw around caused you to question something you were very happy with, and you want him to be as happy as he makes you.

 

That should do it.

[Sunshine87]

It is still early days and relationships start off in different ways. In some cases, seven weeks is definitely too early to ascertain whether or not either of the parties is ready for a relationship. In this case, the guy! This is perfectly fine to be honest. Some men prefer to take it slow and I cannot blame them. I know some couples who began thier relationsips this way. They eventually became official but not until the third month or so. However in some other cases, the seven week Mark already heralds the start of an intense passion-filled relationship.

 

So I understand your dilemma. While it's not unreasonable for a man not to commit after seven weeks, it's also not unreasonable for him to know what he wants and whether he wants to be with you.

 

This is my advice:

A) Actions speak louder than words. Does he make an effort to communicate with you everyday? If he doesn't, then it's fair to say that this relationship might not progress to an official one. Is he actively trying to get to know you better? Does he ask you questions about yourself? Does he open up? Does he make an effort to stay in touch regularly? For example every day?

 

If he doesn't then you need to step back

 

B) As difficult as it may be, you need to put this guy on the back burner. He has not made you any promises. He has not placed a priority on your relationship. I can't say there is anything necessarily wrong with that because it has only been seven weeks. But you want some clarity, some definition. We all do- as women. However you run the risk of really falling hard for him and getting hurt if you don't protect yourself.

 

Date other guys or occupy your time. Don't wait around for him.

Kill all your hopes. I know this is excruciatingly difficult. But kill your expectations.

DONT contact him until he contacts you

Let him come to you and then take it from there.

 

Finally, I find nothing wrong with sending a nice email to brighten up his day. I usually like to show guys my "good" sides. I know some men who haw fallen for women because the were caring and loving. So re: the email, it's up to you. You could send it. But don't call or text him until he does and when he does be nice but don't over do it.

[Miss1122]

Miss1122 wrote: "Anyway, I found out that his last relationship of one year ended in December. It bugs me because it was just recent. I'm thinking maybe he's using me to move on or something."

 

This is the key. Notice bugs is present tense. In addition you say you don't want to know about past that's irrelevant and turns out last relationship is relevant to you.

 

The guy was treating you great and you didn't trust him based on a generalized rebound fear. If you're going to have rebound fears, then past is relevant and you have to say not interested until a certain amount of time has passed because I don't trust you.

 

But I don't think you want any of that and would have liked to have not made an issue of it. It's not even possible to use you unless you expected a long term relationship and he didn't, and even that isn't true.

 

So fixing it is telling him these dating rules people throw around caused you to question something you were very happy with, and you want him to be as happy as he makes you.

 

That should do it.

 

See that was my mistake. I did not trust him because I had this fear that he was just gonna use me. Despite of how good he's been treating me, my fear of being hurt was my only concern. I acted the way shouldn't. I was being selfish. I totally messed it up.

[apple OR orange]

well, all i can say is "well done for deciding how others should live there lives".

 

If he was over her thats his choice, you had to decided he wasnt over her, personally i would never talk to you again. No choices how i live my life.

[outsidethebox]

So OP, just tell him what I said above, not more, not less, and it will be fixed. If you're not kissing after saying that then I will have to figure out what I'm doing wrong.