alisonz Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 So, This is a very long story but I'll try and make it to the point. I dated my first boyfriend, who was my first for everything for 3 and a half years when I decided I wanted to go on a break for a semester because of actions of his that I didn't like (mainly smoking weed, he wasn't getting his life together and I felt like I was putting more into the relationship than he was, he was VERY jealous and always accusing me of cheating on him while I was away at school - we go to different universities). I had said that I needed space and wanted him to leave me alone from September to December to sort out personal issues of my own and decide wether or not I truly wanted to be with him. Also so he could grow up and get his act together. He never left me alone the 4 months and would always text me and want to see me telling me he misses me and loves me. Aside from a few times when I really missed him and texted him, there was minimal contact. At Christmas I found out through a friend that he had slept with another girl at the beginning of November which I called him out on and he denied. After that I told him it was over for good and I didn't want to be with him. I tried to move on and started to see someone from school but we didn't share the same intense connection that me and my ex did, it just wasn't anywhere near as intimate or special as what I had. In January, my ex ended up telling me that 1) he admitted to sleeping with the girl in November and 2) while he was away at university 2 years ago (when we were dating) he slept with someone else while we were rocky and fighting a lot (long distance, but he transferred schools to be closer to me shortly after that). So I found out that for a year and a half of our relationship while he was telling me that we were special because we had only been with each other, he had already slept with another girl. Which explains why he was so jealous before we went on a break. I was furious and slept with the guy that I was seeing but I just wasn't ready and it wasn't right so I broke it off. Throughout the rest of the year (January-April) he continued to talk to me, telling me he missed me and loves me and he wants to get back together with me. At the end of April once I moved back home from university, I decided to meet with him because I did miss him and discuss the situation. He told me that he slept with 3 other girls along with the one from November and the one he slept with at school when he cheated on me. All these girls were one night stands and he said they were just to help him get over me since he knew I was seeing someone else at school and that hurt him a lot. He told me he never spoke to these girls again and didn't even know their names. The fact that he's slept with these other girls kills me and I don't understand how it could be so hard for me to be with ONE person and he had no trouble being with 3 MORE girls. We've been meeting up to talk the past few weeks and he's telling me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (continuing our life plans from before the break) and do everything he can to make it work. He HAS done a lot to change his life around (doing way better in school, given up smoking weed, more responsible) and his jealous tendencies are so far non-existent (he understands that I was with someone else and just doesn't want to talk about it because it hurts him). I do miss him a lot but I feel like I can't get over his past now and that he's ruined what we had. Am I being hypocritical because I slept with someone else as well? I feel like I'm not because it wasn't a one night stand (which my ex says is worse because I tried to have a relationship with him and wasn't just 'using' him as he was with the other girls) and I couldn't handle it so I stopped (when my ex continued to try and forget about me with these girls even though he says he didn't like it and they meant nothing). How do I forget about these girls and move on because I don't know if I'll ever have the same connection with someone as I do with him. I still love him but I'm so hurt, help!!
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I'll answer the title of your thread. I am sorry, my time is limited. Yes and no. Here's why: Sometimes people who cheat,either grow up. They realize the terrible thing they did(no mistake). Regret it...and stop. Now if the cheater is a social cheater, more than likely they will continue to cheat. Signs of remorse can be anything. Your bf did you wrong. Once again...sorry this post is short. I know it will bump your thread, and hopefully answers ensue from other posters.
Njeanne Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 If you know stories of his part relationships where he cheated, then yes he is. If not, then I do believe a second chance could be made. Althought I understand your point of view and would be unsure too, but you two were broken up so he had right to sleep with someone. If he is willing to change and what he did was a big mistake, then a second chance would become possible, but if he does it again... then you can dump his sorry ass and please spread the news so he won't hurt more women.
Author alisonz Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Njeanne- my ex has never had a past relationship, he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend.. do you think we're both too inexperienced to even make this decision and we should just try to move on? or are we salvageable
Njeanne Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Njeanne- my ex has never had a past relationship, he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend.. do you think we're both too inexperienced to even make this decision and we should just try to move on? or are we salvageable If you were his first girlfriend, then the cheating he did was a mistake. You aren't born a cheater, and I doubt many become a lifelong cheater during their first relationship, unless you are a real sicko. So I would state that it should be possible giving your relationship a second chance, if you can look in his eyes and can see his sincerity then you know what to do. No one really can decide this but you, but a first relationship is alway special...Take my word for it, second chances exist, but no third.
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 First relationships do not determine whether a cheater will or will not cheat again. Cheating is so far from a mistake. Mistake is spilling something. Did he spill his penis into another woman's vagina? I doubt it. Second chances do exist. But if he's showing no remorse, a serial cheat typically shows none...and will cheat again.
Author alisonz Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Toddbyt12y1 & Njeanne- Thank you for both of your insights.. I do feel sincerity and remorse for cheating and we were in a bad place at the time. Any advice on how to overcome the one night stands? Am I being irrational?
HJZ Posted May 6, 2013 Posted May 6, 2013 (edited) Many people will tell you that once a cheater, always a cheater...this is not always the case. I can tell you this, because I used to be one of them. When I was in my early / mid twenties, I used to cheat on pretty much every gf I had. Yes, I'm not proud of it AT ALL, but I never really took life too seriously and ended up hurting some people along the way. I never understood the extent to which cheating could hurt someone...until I got older and for the first time a couple of years ago a long term gf of mine, which I was totally in love with, cheated on me...not once...or twice..she had a thing with another guy for months, without me knowing this. This was during a time that we were in different countries. I was completely broken, but eventually I took her back and I still don't regret that decision. I could see that she was very sorry about what happened and if she could turn back time, she would have done things differently. We split up again after that, but for different reasons, but we still had a wonderful relationship after the whole cheating thing. Best advice I could give you, would be that not all cheaters cheat again. I never cheated on this girl, neither with the one after her and I know I will never in my life cheat on anyone again. For you to take him back, he would definitely have to show that he is indeed very sorry about his actions and by the sound of it, it seems like he is making an effort to change. As for you getting over these girls he slept with...everyone handles this differently. I used to just remind myself that we are all human, and we all make mistakes. It sounds silly, but believe me, you have to look forward and forget the past. You can't change the past, only the future. There will be tough times, when you can't get these other women out of your head, but these angry feelings get less with time. There are thousands of happy stories of people getting over cheating and living happy lives on the internet...I know 'cos I probably read at least half of them during those days! If you decide on forgiveness...if you TRULY forgive him, never ever bring up these incidents again in the future. You have to make a decision now, that you 100% forgive him. This does not happen overnight, so taking some time by yourself is the best thing you can do. Have an open discussion with him about everything, really everything and then move on. This is key, he must be willing to discuss everything that you want to know. Otherwise, he's not completely on board. Believe me, sometimes it's better not to know all the details, but if you know you're going to wonder about it some weeks / months down the line, rather get it all over with now. Ask him all you want to know and then take some time alone, to deal with these feelings. Only after this, can you really begin to forgive. Hope this helps, best of luck! Edited May 6, 2013 by HJZ
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