Joyce Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Everyone has been hurt by a loved one and/or hurt a loved one at some point in their life. Why is it that that so many of us (including me) dwell on the negative of how they hurt us or why they hurt us? We loved this other person otherwise if we didn't love them their actions/words/choices would never have broken our hearts. They had to have brought some joy into our lives and knowing them made us who we are today. I am not condoning people's wrong doings I just wonder why we continue to torture ourselves by thinking about the negative or wishing we could have what we once had with that person. The past is the past right? Then why is it so hard to move on? Someone once asked me if I could mold the perfect man for me what would he be like? I thought about this for a long time and decided that if I had that choice I wouldn't want to mold someone because then they would not be who they are they would only be who I wanted them to be. I need to know different people and yes even my broken heart has taught me so much and made me choose to be a better person. Would I really want someone that was perfect for me? No. I will take the heartaches and still allow people in my heart. After all what's life without all the emotion? When I am feeling sad I remind myself all of this but sometimes it really is easier said than done.... that leads me to the original question why do we torture ourselves?
MassiveAtom Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Check out the 5 stages of grief. While it's absolutely ridiculous to try to reduce the breadth of human emotion to 5 stages, These have become accepted as a good road map to what you're talking about. Myself, I've had to grieve a lot lately. It's the human minds reaction to change that is so hard. but once we finally accept the change that causes us grief. It becomes possible to move on. We deal with grief everyday in different situations. I saw a neat example about finding that your car wont start. It's just part of being human. Definitely a difficult part. but a part nonetheless. mA
Scott S Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Feelings can be deep & strong. Especially if the relationship has been of any length. A break-up is a loss, & there is a grieving process to go through. We long for what we had, regret mistakes, wish for another chance, etc. We aren't machines. We can't simply turn off emotions like a light switch.
quankanne Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 from your post, it sounds like it hasn't been too long a time since your relationship with him ended. This sounds trite, but the only thing that helps is the passage of time. It gives you distance, and experiences you'll have post-breakup will give you a different perspective. sometimes, it just takes a hell of a long time to figure things out. It's been nearly 16 years since my first boyfriend "dropped" me, and only just recently I figured out why that still bugged me. Kind of dumb, but it came to me that I just wanted his approval even after all these years! Once that revelation became clear, all of a sudden, that relationship wasn't so much an elusive, I-still-want-it kind of thing. ponder it, but don't let it drive you nuts and don't let it keep you from experiencing other relationships. Eventually, it'll all work itself out and you'll be telling yourself "you mean I fretted over our relationship for THAT??!" hang in there kiddo, quank
Author Joyce Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Well recently I have hurt people and I have been hurt. I am moving on with my life but once in a while I find myself in the same situation as a lot of the stories posted where I long for the past.... miss a loved one... all that stuff. I know it's part of the grievance process but sometimes I feel like I do it to torture myself because I can choose my mood and if I want to let things bother me. Right? or is that wrong? Do you really believe it's just me grieving and learning not self torture? I know a lot of people go through these feelings but it just seems like more people dwell on the negative.
Author Joyce Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 I guess we don't choose to it's just who we are.
MassiveAtom Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Joyce, There's no schedule, no timeline. Every change is different for everybody. There are still parts that aren't healed, you're not torturing yourself, It just looks like there's still some accepting to do. It may never happen. But then again, aren't those memories so bittersweet that you just can help but want to have them every now and again? mA
Author Joyce Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Dear massiveAtom, I guess I need to stop beating myself up for feeling the way I do and and accept the grievance process. Thank you for the advice.
DESI Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I have also been told by family members and friends that I am torturing myself, and that obviously I like the pain. They tell me that I am the one that chooses how I feel about what happened, and I can either let it bother me or not let it bother me. I do not believe any of this. I feel like I can not control that it bothers me so much. I go through the normal day and act like I am okay, but it is still always on my mind. And like someone said before on this post that there is no timeline. I tend to beat myself up because it already has been 4 months since the break up, and sometimes I feel like I have not made any improvement what so ever. I still cry about it, sure not everyday but I have my moments. I tend to think that my life was so good and I was so happy with the way things were going. And even if I had a bad day I would always have that warm body to cuddle next to at night, someone that I loved and that loved me in return. Someone that I could turn to and that knew me inside and out. But I do not have that anymore, and it is hard. It is harder then anything else I have ever experienced. But I don't think anyone here would choose to go through the pain. If I could make it all go away I would. So I do not think its a choice, We do not choose who we fall in love with and we can't choose when we will get over them. Sometimes I feel like I am never going to get over him, but I am hoping that in time I will. Good luck to everyone in their healing process.
MassiveAtom Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Well Joyce, Whether you accept the process or not is your decision. But definitely stop beating yourself up. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, compassion and forgiveness. Especially by you. Warmest regards mA
MassiveAtom Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 DESI, My wife and I separated a couple of years ago, for a whole year! I had a girlfriend, awesome sex 2-3x a week. But then something went wrong and I broke up with her. Something went wrong inside of me. Well maybe not wrong, because I started to hurt emotionally AND physically for no reason. After she was out of the picture the pain came rushing in like a hurricanes storm surge! I was devastated, incapacitated, and completely debilitated for weeks! I underwent the most painful mourning period I've ever experienced. In fact it was so painful, that I found the strength to finally DO something about the pain I was holding in for some time. I was ENCASED in emotional pain from my childhood, and my my marriage. I had been living as a human coral; every shock to my system would deposit another layer of impenetrability around an incredibly fragile core. I tell you, after hurting so bad, and working to develop strategies to heal, strategies to understand where the wounds actually came from, and how to avoid hitting them, I literally became a different person. I became myself. Yes, we each DO choose our reactions to life's stressors, but you know what? Choosing the most beneficial and healthy reaction is a Herculean task if you start out at a disadvantage. Unfortunately most of us start out disadvantaged, and don't even realize it. You CAN do something pro-active with grief. But you have to go inside it and work your way out. I think I should start recommending http://www.coping.org. Excellent stuff. mA
fredrolin Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I have tortured myself over a broken relationship because I have problems accepting change. But change is sometimes the best thing. I am 41 now but when I was 18 I met and fell in love with a girl. We broke up 3 years later and it took me 2 years to get over it. I wasted those 2 years trying to get your back and painfully watched her date other guys (her brother was my best friend and I worked for her father). I had plenty of chances to go out with friends and date other girls but I choose to sit home and do nothing. I finally met someone else and got over it. I am still mad at myself for wasting 2 good years of my youth crying over that cheating b*tch.
backspn Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 DESI.....everyone thinks they know everything....you have to grieve in your own way....if that takes a year then so be it. I try not to let my friends or family judge me on my grief. I hear this alot from family and friends and sometimes it bugs. I loved her more than anyone I've ever known....I will grieve for as long as it takes for me to move on.
DESI Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 Thank you so much for posting about my post. Sorry didn't mean to steal the original post. But we all need help on these forums. Sometimes I just need words of Wisdom. So for everyone out there that is still grieving, you are not alone. I feel sad all the time about it. One day things will get better. A lot of it is you have to break the feeling of hope, hoping that they will realize that we were meant for eachother. Hoping that they will call and apologize and make everything better. You know those dreams you have that are so great and then you wake up. Yeah, they suck. But one day we will all look back and wonder why we took so long to get over our ex. At least thats what I am ultimately hoping for.
DESI Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 Thank you everyone for posting on here. I didn't mean to take this thread away from Joyce by all means. But we all need a little help. Sometimes I just need some words of wisdom. I know everyone deals with things in a different way. And I think a lot of my grieving comes from the fact that deep down I still have hope. I still have hope that one day he will realize that we are meant for eachother or one day call me and apologize for everything and make everything better again. You know those dreams you have that are so great, you two make up and then you wake up and realize you are still alone. We all just know that one day we all will be happy again, and get over our exes. And we will look back and wonder what took so long in the first place. That is what I am hoping for ultimately anyways.
WB Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I think we torture ourselves because we've lost hope. When we loved someone, we inevitably hoped for a bright future with them, consciously or not. When they left, that future fell apart. Everything we'd hoped for was gone. Life became meaningless. I think the only way to get out of the runt is to take control. Set goals and follow through. Go out even if you don't want to. Celebrate when you accomplish a goal -- be it cleaning the house or writing the Great American Novel. Do things you always wanted but never had the time to. Put yourselve in a position to feel hopeful. When we see hope again we stop torturing ourselves. It takes courage to overcome fear. http://biz.yahoo.com/special/courage04.html
tom_gbr Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 at some pont each day i always end up thinking of the bad things about my ex and the things she did that hurt me...its been around six months since she finshed with me and we were only together for six months...she was my first girl i had been with that i loved...whenever i look back at memories...i can only think of the bad things. i still get angry now and again when i think of these and how she treated me towards the end of the relationship...in the last month she was like a different person. my best mate is still going out with my ex's best friend....when i hear of my ex from him i just get angry...i try and vent it in one way or another like working out. i havent heard a new girlfriend yet...i went of my first date since the other week...it went well and ended up kissing the second time whe saw each other on a night out clubbing...i think we are meeting up again soon. i really hope i can stop thinking about all the bad things about my ex so when i think of her i can just think about all the great times we had together.
DESI Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 I wish I was like that, all I can think about it always all the good times. I mean we had so many, and they were so great, I literally felt like I was always walking on clouds whenever I thought about him, or saw him etc.... I wish I could just remember all the bad times, then I wouldn't be so sad all the time. It has been almost 5 months for me, and we were together for 2 years. Usualy when I vent to people that know the relationship a little bit, they are the ones that have to remind me of the bad. It is so hard for me to think of the bad, maybe because I still love him. Good luck to you and this new girl you are dating. I am still not ready to date anyone.
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