cdt76 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 So in the dating world, if you meet someone and they decide for whatever reason that you aren't a fit, why do we bother asking ourselves the question: Why didn't she/he like me? In dating, to me, the question of why, is irrelevant. Am I going to change who I am to better fit someone else's "idea" of a perfect fit? No. Am I going to change the good man I've become because she thought my humor was not in line with her own? No. So, why ask why? Just move on. Go on to the next one. We can't and won't be a perfect fit for everyone we meet and I sure as hell am not going to change my personality to meet some other flawed individual's idea of a perfect companion. I'm not 6 feet tall, can't change theat. I'm not a muscle head, can't change that. I have salt and pepper hair, I'm not dying it. So I don't really care why a girl didn't like me.
soccerrprp Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) The NATURAL response to break-ups is to want to know why. To not care or be indifferent to that instinctive question is not natural and normal. We ALL want to know what happened, what we could have done, why it didn't work out.... People's "observed" ability to dismiss the question WHY is learned, or worse, pathological, IMHO. But MJWasHere is right. What if it was something that you "could" and "should" change? Wouldn't you want to know? There are clearly attributes that one has no control over, but what if knowing why provided you with more self-awareness, control over your life? Would you then? I recently said goodbye to an ex. I discovered some things that I could have been aware of, but wasn't. I don't blame myself for knowing what I know now and what I may have failed to do, but the insight that my ex gave me was valuable. She was extremely generous and helpful and helping me understand what could have been. Mistakes on both sides, no blame, no regret being together. But, much of "my" mistakes were a result of my being out of dating for so long before meeting her. Rookie mistakes I would venture to say. I needed to know and wanted to know. Again, she was very generous and sweet. We shared a lot and couldn't have asked for a better way to say goodbye. Edited May 3, 2013 by soccerrprp 1
FitChick Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 If there are things that would make you a better human being or more attractive looking and were in your control, why wouldn't you want to change? If you dated three people in a row who told you the reason they dumped you was because you only bathed during a full moon, you might be able to avoid being dumped again by someone else.
soccerrprp Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 It's not just visual but also your personality and things you do. You can change the 2nd one. You can workout to look better. Women are vastly different. Some women give you hint some don't. If in doubt ask. It's like anything else it's a numbers game finding out that is compatible with you it's not about you changing for a woman. Changing ones ingrained personality is MUCH more difficult to change, if at all. By a certain age, your personality is yours and won't appreciably change. You modify for a period, but one's true nature always comes out.
Author cdt76 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Understandable if something was amiss like bad breath or talking too much about one's ex, for example. But if a woman doesn't like me because of bad shoes then we are definitely not a fit! HA! I guess, I'm talking more about the deeper connections that are or are not made between people. Why when two people meet sparks don't fly every time. For me, it's just a matter of the sparks didn't fly and I move on. I don't worry if I said something I probably shouldn't have said, the way I figure is that if I'm speaking the truth then that's all that should matter. Now, perspective comes into play with truth but I can't keep another person from seeing my point of view on a matter and they make negative judgements about me. One would hope that communication can clear up those times of awkward vibes on a date. But alas....not every time.
ddc579 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I think it's all about balance and taking an honest self-inventory. Most (if not all) of us have been guilty of excessive self-bashing if a date or dates did not go the way they planned. That's not going to help. But sometimes, it truly is a matter of "we're just not a match." In that sense, I agree that excess "monday morning quarterbacking" probably isn't necessary. For me, if I know in my heart that I was authentic and real, I can sleep easier at night if a date did not go so well. In turn, if she's authentic and real, yet I'm not feeling the vibes, it doesn't mean she's a bad person or that she effed up. It just means our compatability wasn't there. I will still always find things I can improve upon. But nowadays, I try to focus on doing that in a holistic, honest, and non-self-defeatist way (easier said than done sometimes). So this is why I fundamentally agree with a little bit of what everyone has said so far; I really think it's all about being honest with yourself without the need for negative self-talk.
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