Ex upset about me deleting him off of FB

[blueshoes14]

Hi everyone,

 

Shortly after the break-up, I decided to delete my ex off of facebook. He broke up with me, but also wanted to remain in contact and possibly even be friends. As you all know, that is something hard to do after just being dumped. So I decided to take him off of facebook and I made sure that he knew why I was doing it for the time being and not because I hate him or something.

 

After I deleted him, I never heard from him again. I just thought he didn't mean what he said about keeping in touch. Turns out he actually was upset about me deleting him off of facebook and kicked me out of his life. I found this out from a mutual friend, not him.

 

My question is, why would he be upset if he broke up with me? Yes, okay, it's rejection but he should be considerate about how I temporarily coped with his ultimate rejection.

 

Also, should I contact him? If so, what kind of things should I say?

 

Thank you,

blueshoes14

[HuffmanMontana]

Don't contact him. Do whatever helps you heal and move on. He broke up with you, he lost any and all that a relationship stands for when he made that choice.

 

He's probably upset because he doesn't want you mad at him. It makes him feel guilty.

[Toddbt12y1]

Do not contact those who do not want you in their lives.

 

He wanted you as a friend. You were a source of familiar comfort; perhaps even a fallback, as is usual, if any future prospects hadn't worked out. He is being selfish. He can reject you...dump you. Yet, you cannot block him...reject him, and move forward with healing and your life.

 

If anything; be thankful. He showed you how much a selfish person he is.

 

You don't need to contact him.

[blueshoes14]

Don't contact him. Do whatever helps you heal and move on. He broke up with you, he lost any and all that a relationship stands for when he made that choice.

 

He's probably upset because he doesn't want you mad at him. It makes him feel guilty.

 

I probably won't contact him for a little while. I feel that I've already taken huge strides in the self-improvement area and have reclaimed my independence, so it could be a worth a shot for reconciliation. Who knows.

 

It's so weird to know he thinks I'm mad at him. I tried hard to convey to him that I had no ill feelings toward him, but I guess in the end he has his mind made up about my actions.

 

Do not contact those who do not want you in their lives.

 

This makes a lot of sense. However, I feel like his ego is determining his actions. Shows lack of maturity, sure. Maybe it doesn't matter where it's coming from though and I should just take a step back.

[BustedUpInside]

The problem is that he lives in his head while you live in yours. You can't read his mind and he doesn't know your true intentions. After a break up, there is no more trust like there was in a relationship so, I am guessing here, he probably thinks that you are actually mad at him and are doing this to hurt him for breaking up with you. He probably thinks of the breakup as a potentially positive move, and would like to be friends after you have had a couple of weeks to "shake it off" and so doesn't understand why you would be throwing roadblocks up to prevent the two of you from being friends. He doesn't understand that you need some space and time to heal if there is even a chance for the two of you to be on friendly terms. Just my opinion but it makes sense if you think about it.

[blueshoes14]

The problem is that he lives in his head while you live in yours. You can't read his mind and he doesn't know your true intentions. After a break up, there is no more trust like there was in a relationship so, I am guessing here, he probably thinks that you are actually mad at him and are doing this to hurt him for breaking up with you. He probably thinks of the breakup as a potentially positive move, and would like to be friends after you have had a couple of weeks to "shake it off" and so doesn't understand why you would be throwing roadblocks up to prevent the two of you from being friends. He doesn't understand that you need some space and time to heal if there is even a chance for the two of you to be on friendly terms. Just my opinion but it makes sense if you think about it.

 

Very true. I like the perspective you gave on this, it's really in-depth. I think he views his silence as a counter-attack of my "counter-attack" of the break-up. I'm not trying to play any games, I'm just trying to do what's right for me while still maintaining dignity and respect.

 

How do you think I should handle the situation.

[BustedUpInside]

Well, it depends on what you want. If you want to be friends at some point, then send him a quick message where you tell him that trying to be friends right now is just holding up your healing process and that you will let him know when you are ready to try again.

 

It's even easier if you don't want to be friends. Do nothing. Just don't reply at all. It doesn't matter what he thinks about your motives because the result is the same. Closure and moving on and away from each other.

[blueshoes14]

Well, it depends on what you want. If you want to be friends at some point, then send him a quick message where you tell him that trying to be friends right now is just holding up your healing process and that you will let him know when you are ready to try again.

 

It's even easier if you don't want to be friends. Do nothing. Just don't reply at all. It doesn't matter what he thinks about your motives because the result is the same. Closure and moving on and away from each other.

 

I do wish to be friends at some point, and even possibly a relationship if we are in a good place at a good time. Being friends (more like an old friend scenario than a regular buddy) in my situation would be a good start to get back together. NC has served its purpose to help me move on, but it's definitely not something that works on him.

 

Yeah it is a nice thing to keep him in the loop, and show him I do not possess any intentions of emotional harm. I'm also worried that he will disregard it as bs, like how he thought of my initial needs of moving on. Hm..I have nothing to lose though!

[Toddbt12y1]

What was his reasoning for breaking-up? I do not believe I read that...Or I missed it. The reason will tell you everything.

[Larry56]

Actually,

 

Deleting him off facebook in this case...actually makes you look like the one who is desperate and needy. Like you were trying to get a reaction out of him..and that's why he was probably upset and a little angry since you said you'd still be friends

 

Yes I think deleting their numbers, putting all there stuff in the attic, essentially removing them from you're lives is sufficient enough for you to get over them. Sure, you'll be tempted to look at his profile and what he's doing. But in this case facebook is social media, and that means you're effectively telling him he can't contact you EVER. Which I don't believe was you're intent in the beginning, right?

[BustedUpInside]

I disagree about removing someone from Facebook. It's not like they have to be deleted forever, but it is important for the dumpee to be able to go through normal life without being constantly reminded that they are no longer in the previous relationship. I don't think it is petty unless you delete them and then blast them all over your page or something.

[blueshoes14]

What was his reasoning for breaking-up? I do not believe I read that...Or I missed it. The reason will tell you everything.

 

He wanted to focus on his career, and thought our relationship was taking too much effort. Which is BS. If he really wanted the relationship, the solution would not be to break up. Oh well, I guess he did not like to deal with multiple things at once and I was the easiest thing to eliminate.

 

Actually,

 

Deleting him off facebook in this case...actually makes you look like the one who is desperate and needy. Like you were trying to get a reaction out of him..and that's why he was probably upset and a little angry since you said you'd still be friends

 

But in this case facebook is social media, and that means you're effectively telling him he can't contact you EVER. Which I don't believe was you're intent in the beginning, right?

 

It wouldn't be a surprise if he thought that. However, that is not my character.

 

I certainly did not intend for it to send him the message "Go away." It was hard for me not to go on his profile, and read into anything and everything he posted. Now I'm in a stronger place and would be emotionally ready to communicate with him. He might try to deflect it out of hurt though.

 

It's not like they have to be deleted forever, but it is important for the dumpee to be able to go through normal life without being constantly reminded that they are no longer in the previous relationship.

 

This. I have no issue with sending him a new friend request. He might take it as a slap in the face right now, like I think he's disposable or something. So I'm going to hold off until I have the opportunity to talk to him..which might be never.

[Waz]

Why do you care what he is thinking about this?

He broke up with you, you can't be his friend at least for now, until you feel you are ready for that. So simple.

I really think that he knows you did this for your own good. If he doesn't now, he will understand in the future. Friend? You just broke up, what else do you have to say right now as friends?

Come on

Of course don't contact him, it's about you and you do anything that feels right and safe for you.

[whichwayisup]

He broke up with me, but also wanted to remain in contact and possibly even be friends.

 

It's really hard to be 'friends' with someone when a relationship ends, even harder for the person who was dumped. Having him on facebook serves NO purpose, and if he took a minute and thought about you and your pain, he'd realize this.

 

You don't owe him an explanation, but if you do feel the need to, just say you don't want to be friends for a long time, if ever. He should not expect a friendship from you right now! Or push you or make you feel bad or try to make you feel guilty for deleting him off of your fb. You don't want HIM lurking your page (block him!) and you don't want to lurk his page as that will just make you feel worse.

[Toddbt12y1]

He wanted to focus on his career, and thought our relationship was taking too much effort. Which is BS. If he really wanted the relationship, the solution would not be to break up. Oh well, I guess he did not like to deal with multiple things at once and I was the easiest thing to eliminate.

 

Plenty of people choose to leave someone that they are dating, or are with for a career. As the balance becomes difficult.

 

But that bolded part is how you feel. Why would you wish to be, again, with someone you feel could so easily throw you away? You hinted at a future hope of being back together. Maybe it will work for you.

 

But seriously. Good thing he isn't on your FB. Seeing someone you love, with someone else is devastating. You will end up seeing that. And if you happen to here-wise of him dating another girl, you know what's up.

[whichwayisup]

He wanted to focus on his career, and thought our relationship was taking too much effort. Which is BS. If he really wanted the relationship, the solution would not be to break up. Oh well, I guess he did not like to deal with multiple things at once and I was the easiest thing to eliminate.

 

 

 

It wouldn't be a surprise if he thought that. However, that is not my character.

 

I certainly did not intend for it to send him the message "Go away." It was hard for me not to go on his profile, and read into anything and everything he posted. Now I'm in a stronger place and would be emotionally ready to communicate with him. He might try to deflect it out of hurt though.

 

 

 

This. I have no issue with sending him a new friend request. He might take it as a slap in the face right now, like I think he's disposable or something. So I'm going to hold off until I have the opportunity to talk to him..which might be never.

 

No don't send him a new friend request. He has NO right to know what is going on in your life, to see and read your updates and lurk. He broke up with you so therefore he loses you from his life. Let him be upset about that. Hey, you wanted him and the relationship, he ended it, so why should he still be in your life at all?

 

Focus on grieving the loss and letting go so you can heal. Maybe one day in the (way way) future, you two could be buddies, but not until the hurt and pain is gone and the feelings of intimacy and love.

[blueshoes14]

Why do you care what he is thinking about this?

He broke up with you, you can't be his friend at least for now, until you feel you are ready for that. So simple.

I really think that he knows you did this for your own good.

Of course don't contact him, it's about you and you do anything that feels right and safe for you.

 

Because it's hard for me to switch off caring when we've been in a LTR. Maybe that's a sign I haven't fully moved on, but I've definitely made progress.

 

He doesn't know it now, but yes hopefully common sense will kick in later and he can use empathy in future relationships. Otherwise, it's very likely to end up like this for him again.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful advice!

 

It's really hard to be 'friends' with someone when a relationship ends, even harder for the person who was dumped. Having him on facebook serves NO purpose, and if he took a minute and thought about you and your pain, he'd realize this.

 

He should not expect a friendship from you right now! Or push you or make you feel bad or try to make you feel guilty for deleting him off of your fb. You don't want HIM lurking your page (block him!) and you don't want to lurk his page as that will just make you feel worse.

 

Oh my word..do you share the same brain as me?! I seriously sensed the same frustration from what you have written. Even when we were breaking up, I found it ridiculous to keep in contact. I tried to see it through his point of view, and give him the benefit of a doubt. It's a shame he does not reciprocate the same empathy or even half of it.

[blueshoes14]

Plenty of people choose to leave someone that they are dating, or are with for a career. As the balance becomes difficult.

 

But that bolded part is how you feel. Why would you wish to be, again, with someone you feel could so easily throw you away? You hinted at a future hope of being back together. Maybe it will work for you.

 

But seriously. Good thing he isn't on your FB. Seeing someone you love, with someone else is devastating. You will end up seeing that. And if you happen to here-wise of him dating another girl, you know what's up.

I agree with the balance being difficult, but I definitely wish he put effort into our relationship. He gave up on me too easily as you pointed out. And exactly..who knows? There are two sides of the spectrum. He could see the error in his ways, or history repeats itself. In my situation it would be best to be cautious of the latter.

 

Thank you for the reassurance. I know I would be stuck in the same place for a long time if I didn't take him off. I can handle anything now.

 

No don't send him a new friend request. He has NO right to know what is going on in your life, to see and read your updates and lurk. He broke up with you so therefore he loses you from his life. Let him be upset about that. Hey, you wanted him and the relationship, he ended it, so why should he still be in your life at all?

 

Focus on grieving the loss and letting go so you can heal. Maybe one day in the (way way) future, you two could be buddies, but not until the hurt and pain is gone and the feelings of intimacy and love.

 

Exactly! I don't know what was going in his mind to think that I would cling on to him with every fiber of my being.

 

Won't send him a friend request now, but there's a possibility in the future we could be friends. I think he does need to get over himself a bit and put things in perspective before that goal could ever be reached. But again, that may never happen. I just wish things to be on good terms.

[EmptyWalls]

Trust me you did the right thing. Disappearing from his life for a little while is the best thing for Y-O-U! Take it from me its impossible to do after someone has ripped your heart out of your chest and eats it in front of you. I tried.... thought I was strong enough and could handle it, psshhh wrong! But when they are talking to someone else right in front of you and completely ignoring you and your feelings its just not good. The things that develop.. jealousy, anger, bitter, maybe even hate.

 

He needs to understand that and if he don't to freaking bad. He doesn't have the right to expect anything from you anymore, and you dont need to justify your actions to make him feel better. I know you are still holding on to hope, and im not saying let go of it.. hope is what got me through some tough times. But its false hope something that may or may never happen. My hope level now is at about 2%. Stay in NC until you are mentally and emotionally strong enough. If you still wish to be his friend then so be it. But ill tell you this as time goes on and you have to re-think the whole situation, its very likely you wont want to even be his friend. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

[blueshoes14]

Trust me you did the right thing. Disappearing from his life for a little while is the best thing for Y-O-U! Take it from me its impossible to do after someone has ripped your heart out of your chest and eats it in front of you. I tried.... thought I was strong enough and could handle it, psshhh wrong!

Interesting. That's what I thought would happen if I became friends with him. Sorry you had to go through that experience.

 

He needs to understand that and if he don't to freaking bad. Stay in NC until you are mentally and emotionally strong enough. If you still wish to be his friend then so be it. But ill tell you this as time goes on and you have to re-think the whole situation, its very likely you wont want to even be his friend. Good luck and thanks for sharing.

 

That is what I was thinking. The need to reach out to him has become less and less. However, it has been gone before, and hits hard like no other the next day. Here's hoping that won't happen. Good luck in your endeavors too!

[Larry56]

Hello again,

 

I would just add him back on Facebook and if he does initiate contact...just be a bit interested/disinterested, get flirty but always leave him wanting more. Get him begging to talk to you again because, it just seems like the guy does love you but needs a bit of space (time apart to find you more attractive)...Trust me I'm a guy. When I was in a relationship I just needed a day (without seeing my girlfriend) to want to see her again the day after and I think you're ex just needs to miss you a bit more.

[itto ogami]

I'm always surprised when folks say that you shouldn't delete the ex on FB as it makes you look "petty" or whatever -- that shows you how deeply rooted FB has become in people's lives.

 

If somebody breaks up and you can't be friends right away, it's your DUTY to detox and take care of yourself. Watching an ex move on with their life including new lovers is not the way to move on. You need to remove the temptation to FB stalk -- which you will.

 

And the fact is that Facebook is not going to be the only conduit to having a friendship down the road. True friends can not speak for months or years and pick right back up. No ex who deserved your friendship would begrudge you healing time and distance. Otherwise, they were never your friend.

[Larry56]

I'm always surprised when folks say that you shouldn't delete the ex on FB as it makes you look "petty" or whatever -- that shows you how deeply rooted FB has become in people's lives.

 

If somebody breaks up and you can't be friends right away, it's your DUTY to detox and take care of yourself. Watching an ex move on with their life including new lovers is not the way to move on. You need to remove the temptation to FB stalk -- which you will.

 

Yes but you can detox by simply not contacting them which is the point of NC.

 

OK. The point is that by removing you're ex you are trying to get a "Reaction" out of them by doing so. This is not how you convey yourself as being "confident and OK about the breakup". By deleting you're ex off facebook you are losing a chance to actually show them that you've moved on eg. Showing yourself hanging out with new people (new guys) having a good time without them. Of course they will probably do the same with new women, but you you have to use ever tool at your disposal to make your ex "want you" and you can use FB to make your ex subtly jealous of your new life without them.

 

By all means; delete their numbers from your phone, put their personal belongings in a place where you won't be reminded of them. But deleting them off facebook looks like you can't handle seeing them and that's what you DO NOT want to convey.

[blueshoes14]

Hello again,

 

I would just add him back on Facebook and if he does initiate contact...just be a bit interested/disinterested, get flirty but always leave him wanting more. Get him begging to talk to you again because, it just seems like the guy does love you but needs a bit of space (time apart to find you more attractive)...Trust me I'm a guy. When I was in a relationship I just needed a day (without seeing my girlfriend) to want to see her again the day after and I think you're ex just needs to miss you a bit more.

 

I was thinking of adding him maybe in a month or so. Hopefully that will get him to calm down and realize taking him off of facebook was something I needed to do. Like you said, if we are to be in contact again, I will probably keep a good distance while still retaining a friendly presence. If I get on friendly terms with him, I am not interested in throwing myself at him.

 

I'm always surprised when folks say that you shouldn't delete the ex on FB as it makes you look "petty" or whatever -- that shows you how deeply rooted FB has become in people's lives.

 

I agree that you should not be scared to delete your ex if you think it is best for you. Also, it is a good thing to be aware of the possible reactions the receiving person might have, just like my ex should have been aware of the consequences of breaking up. However, deleting him was on a much smaller scale, and should be understood, but it wasn't.

 

And the fact is that Facebook is not going to be the only conduit to having a friendship down the road. True friends can not speak for months or years and pick right back up. No ex who deserved your friendship would begrudge you healing time and distance. Otherwise, they were never your friend.

 

Fact. There all sorts of other avenues for communication, and I did not merely erase those too! I'm not sure why he thought facebook was the end-all for communication/friendship. Facebook is a one-sided way of getting unreliable information. I knew I could see girls posting on his facebook, assume the worst, and they could possibly not even be interested in him or vice versa. If he wanted to tell or ask me something, he was more than welcome to! So having a constant reminder of having my heart broken, while getting unreliable information did not look promising for my well-being, or possibly our future.

 

Yes but you can detox by simply not contacting them which is the point of NC.

 

OK. The point is that by removing you're ex you are trying to get a "Reaction" out of them by doing so. This is not how you convey yourself as being "confident and OK about the breakup". By deleting you're ex off facebook you are losing a chance to actually show them that you've moved on eg. Showing yourself hanging out with new people (new guys) having a good time without them. Of course they will probably do the same with new women, but you you have to use ever tool at your disposal to make your ex "want you" and you can use FB to make your ex subtly jealous of your new life without them.

 

By all means; delete their numbers from your phone, put their personal belongings in a place where you won't be reminded of them. But deleting them off facebook looks like you can't handle seeing them and that's what you DO NOT want to convey.

 

I have to politely disagree about getting a reaction out of him. That thought-process was not at all present in my decision making. I was focused on making myself move on and become a better person. Also, one of the reasons why I did not want to be friends with him on facebook was because I was afraid to post things about moving on. I feel like I would intentionally post anything I could to make it seem like I was surrounded by guys that were interested in me. That could be transparent. Maybe I am thinking too much about it.. You do have some excellent points, but I am weary of appealing to a guy with a big ego. There's a thin line between appearing desired and hurting his ego, thus making him put on an angry manly face and saying "I can get so many more chicks than she can get guys. Forget her. :mad:"

[maiden555]

It's so weird to know he thinks I'm mad at him. I tried hard to convey to him that I had no ill feelings toward him, but I guess in the end he has his mind made up about my actions.

 

Can I ask why you're not mad at him? It sounds like you are (or at least resent him: "he gave up on me too easily").

For what it's worth, I would be shocked if you weren't mad at all. He gave up on your long term relationship, for a reason that you admit to be BS. I would (and have, in my experience) feel extremely hurt, resentful, and disappointed.

 

I don't want to give you unwanted advice but maybe you are having trouble connecting to your anger? It's a common problem for women, and I know I've struggled with it all my life. (I'm reading Mars and Venus Starting Over and it's really helping with the healing process).

 

As for the facebook specific issue, I agree with the commenters who say you should not be friends. Facebook is so unnatural in itself but mixed with breakups just has SO much potential for bad. Keep as much distance as possible until more time is passed and you've healed more. Otherwise you guys will start reading into each others' status/photos, or post things hoping they'll see it. Everyone does it.

It makes it easier on yourself to become whole again if you're not inundated with images and life updates from the one you shared your life and love with. You can console yourself with the real possibility that one day down the road, it might work out but for now you need space to heal, and space includes digital!