jacobstein1960 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 And is there such a thing? Every divorced person who I speak to says "My lawyer was terrible! He didn't do anything and cost a fortune!" I have even heard some people say "Don't hire a lawyer."
amaysngrace Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 I had my divorce lawyer referred to me by another one of my attorneys. Have you ever hired a lawyer before? Ask them who they would recommend. And don't go it alone especially if you have a lot to lose.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 I've only used a lawyer to buy or sell a house.
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Ask Divorce Lawyers - excluding colleagues - if they had to - who would they use? Then find the common denominator. Remember one thing though: Every single Lawyer - no matter what his 'speciality' - is in it for what he can get. Money. (That's why it's known as 'the second oldest profession in the world - after prostitution.) A lawyer may be trying to pull out all the stops and getting you the best deal possible: Therefore, he will at times appeal to your 'heart' and push you into making a rational decision, which will play with your emotions.... You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement. The emotional entanglement you and your spouse are extricating yourselves from, is one thing. The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another. Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head. How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce. Do not permit how you FEEL about your ex-, to interfere with what you must Practically do. Never permit the two to overlap. Because while your Lawyer is batting in your corner, for all he is worth (let's for example say you are the Respondent) and he's fighting to get you a personally more lucrative, better and advantageous deal - he's not doing it out of any altruistic sense of righteousness. because his other clients include Claimants - on the opposite side to you. And he's batting for them just as hard. The moral is: Do the best you can, on your own. But use a lawyer only when a point of Law needs emphasis. Edited May 3, 2013 by TaraMaiden 1
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 "Money. (That's why it's known as 'the second oldest profession in the world - after prostitution.)" That's an idea. Maybe it would be smarter to do the divorce myself and use the money saved on a hooker? ;-) Being 52 and single is getting a little lonely. But anyway, seriously, I am focusing like a laser on one thing and one thing only: how to spare my children from as much trauma and suffering as possible. That's it. That's the whole enchilada. So if a lawyer can help me do that, then I want a lawyer. The problem is that I keep hearing story after story about lawyers who are both incompetent and unethical, needlessly burning up their clients assets while accomplishing very little. So I'm a little scared of being ripped off.
carhill Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 IME, friends and business colleagues are a good source. In my case, my best friend referred me into his law firm, which does comprehensive work, and I utilized one of their business lawyers, an estate planning lawyer, and divorce lawyer. Worked great. Spent a little under 10K total. Well worth it. Personally, I found none them to be money suckers; at 250-400/hr, they didn't need to be. Competent and efficient, both in the office and the courtroom. Good luck.
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You are the client. A Lawyer acts FOR you. They don't take the initiative, make decisions for you or tell you what to do. They follow your directions. This is why it's called 'instructing a Lawyer.' Make sure, before you go to see one, that you have a game-plan. be absolutely sure of what you want. Your notion of creating as little upset as is humanly possible for the children, is both noble and valid. However, don't paint yourself into a corner, compromise beyond your remit, and bend over backwards because emotionally, you want to see things done right, but practically, you finish with being stitched up. Remember, leaving yourself at a disadvantage, because you want to do right by the kids, may mean that ultimately, you place yourself at a disadvantage with your own children. TELL your lawyer what you want. Tell him (or her!) what you want to achieve; what your objective is. Make it sensible, rational and discuss the parameters and confines of the law accordingly. Your Lawyer - of course - knows the Law. By being clear, definite, succinct and reasonable with him/her, s/he will be able to use those aspects of the Law which will strive to satisfy your requirements. By all means take advice - but make sure before you do, of what your options are.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) Right now, I just have a court assigned attorney. She has an attorney provided by the local family shelter because since I kicked and damaged her bedroom door last summer she is a victim of domestic violence according to New York State. Her attorney seems to be much more experienced and aggressive than mine. Our home is soon going into foreclosure and I expect to get half the equity from its sale which could help me afford council. I personally consider myself to be a normal guy. After work to unwind in the evenings I may have a few stiff drinks. Alone in my home office I may watch a little porn. My wife and I sometimes argued. I am not Mother Teresa, but I'm not Charlie Sheen. Other than for the broken door, I have never been charged with a crime. I never hit her and I never cheated on her. I feel that for our children's sake the ideal thing would be to both live in apartments within a mile of each other and have the children spend a great deal of time with both parents. My wife however wants me out of her life entirely, out of her face and just disappear. In court she tries to portray me as the ultimate frat boy. Jack Daniels flowing, pornos playing, nude girls dancing, furniture flying, doors and windows smashing, police running in daily. What type of father is that, right? But it is totally unsubstantiated nonsense. The judge seems to, so far, base his decisions about 90% on what mom wants, 10% on what the kids need and about 0% on me. Edited May 3, 2013 by jacobstein1960
Bluesandy Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Divorced Friends' references... That's how I met my killer lawyer .. She is a shark ;-)
GuyInLimbo Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Is a mediator out of the question? That's the way I plan on going.
carhill Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Is a mediator out of the question? That's the way I plan on going. That's a good point, and part of talk softly and carry a big stick strategy. We used a mediator and I had my lawyer review the MSA before it was filed with the court. Saved a bunch of money and was, overall, a positive experience. We used one from a local law school and the cost was zero. He was a 3L whose dad owned a law firm and he wanted to specialize in mediation upon graduation. Great kid.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 (edited) I would love to go to mediation. However will a mediator get me completely out of my wife's life, end all my custody and visitation, terminate my parental rights and make me disappear? Probably not. So she'll never agree to it. My wife is not really interested in divorce; she is interested in spousal homicide basically. Edited May 3, 2013 by jacobstein1960
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