Time to let go?

[ddlovexx]

Hey LS crew,

 

Having a rough time. Long story short, things were great in the beginning, we had our downfall, spent a little time apart... and decided to give it another shot.

 

It's been 10 months. When we got back together he was back to putting me first, being wonderful, etc. A few weeks later it seems things have just gone back to the way they were. He's 24, I'm 22. I go to school and work 4-5 days a week. He works 6, sometimes 7 days a week. I see him Wednesday night, he sleeps over Saturday and leaves for work in the morning, and occasionally I see him on Tuesdays for a few hours maybe. I completely understand how tired he can be after work, but I also feel that he should want to see me, even if it's only for an hour or two before he falls asleep. Because he's so tired I have no problem with staying in and relaxing.

 

In the beginning of our relationship he didn't work so much, now he started a newer job with a few more hours on top of the second job he had. If he really wanted to, he could ask his boss for days off but doesn't. He's not pressed for money really as he still lives with his parents. Not really my call to make though anyway.

 

Today I tried to talk to him about how I don't feel important. I understand that he works a lot and he's tired, but I don't think that's an excuse for me getting the short end of the stick. He doesn't look at me the same anymore, he hasn't told me I'm beautiful in months... and whenever I ask to see him I get "I'll try, maybe after I nap". Again, I get he's tired, but shouldn't he want to see me? Maybe a "Yup, after I take a short nap babe." When I try to talk to him he just gets angry and says that he's tired and that he still loves me and I'm asking for too much. I've held this in for months bc I don't like fighting and it's always the same answer from him. I only see him 2, 3x a week if I'm lucky. I've talked to both guy and girl friends who say that I'm just settling for his BS, that if he loved me as much as he says he does he would go out of his way when he could and that he would always make me feel special, even when we aren't together. Even after telling him straightforward, he doesn't seem to understand that it's not his work schedule that bothers me, it's his attitude towards me/lack of affection.

 

The reason we broke up 2 months ago was because he was texting other girls in an inappropriate manner, and even told one of them that we had broken up when we were actually doing great. Though he didn't cheat, he lost my trust... I mean who knows what he would have done given the chance. After we spent some time apart he came back saying he loves me more than anything and made a huge mistake and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He's definitely been better since we got back together, but I can't help feeling like both I and our relationship deserve a little more effort. I think he may be too young for the kind of commitment I want, and even when I tell him that, he says he is ready. It's not all bad, we do have fun and when I am with him I am generally happy and love him a lot, otherwise I wouldn't be fighting so hard for our relationship... but I feel that his passion for me has died down too much, too soon.

 

I'm always appreciative of the little things he does but I'm always the one doing more and going out of my way much more often. I try to give him space and even keep my distance hoping he will come around, but it doesn't seem to work. He fights and says if he didn't love me he wouldn't be with me, but I'm emotionally exhausted. Even though he says he loves me more than anything, his actions don't always show it. His reaction is "well idk what you want me to do am I supposed to make out with you all the time? or quit my job?" He doesn't get it and sometimes I feel like I'm speaking to a child. I used to be a priority but now I don't feel important, work and sleep and family and everything else are more of a priority. Since he got this new job a few months ago he's been somewhat miserable and our relationship suffers from it even though I try my best to make him feel good. I might be kidding myself thinking that I one day might be #1 again. I don't like being on the waiting list in his life. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and this is the first guy I've ever considered spending my life with, so it's tough to think about walking away from this.

 

Honest opinions please? Am I being a brat? I just miss how lovely he was in the beginning and I don't think it's supposed to really die down like this. I feel somewhat unloved. Do I just wait it out and hope the work situation won't be this way forever? The thought of not being with him shatters my heart and soul.

 

Thanks guys.

Edited May 2, 2013 by ddlovexx

[TheGuard13]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

For whatever reason, it seems fairly obvious that he's not making you a priority, and it appears that you're either not compatible romantically or that he simply doesn't care about your needs. None of these are good for a relationship. I'd try one more time to talk to him, and if his actions don't change, it's probably best to leave the relationship if you're not getting what you want or need.

[ddlovexx]

It's definitely not a compatibility issue, but I do think it's an issue of him not caring as he should anymore. Blegh.

[TheGuard13]

Him not caring as much as you is a compatibility issue.

 

Him not wanting to spend more time with you VS working more often is a compatability issue, because it's not what you value at this point in your life.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's not ready for this type of commitment nor is he being completely honest w you. While he may have some emotions for you, they're not to the degree of yours nor is he interested or desire the same things. He can't motivate himself to want to do the things you want him to want to do because he doesn't feel that way, you're only thinking about how you feel not him...typical mistake.

 

You can't expect a guy to want to put more effort into you than he wants to. You keep trying to force the relationship and put in the effort like if you're going to magically carry it on your own until he like wakes up and gets it, you want more and you want him to want the same things...but you're not listening to him nor are you looking at his actions...he clearly does not and will not put you first.....you are not first...you were only first in the beginning and if you keep living like that you're going to be a confused little girl when the guy is all wrapped up into you and your vagina because its all new and shet and now ghat he's used it he's just whatever about it....because he's not really ready or wanting more...at least at this point of his life and with you....and no you can't just wait until he's ready...its never going to happen, but some women drag onto a man by his neck until they after years pull him underwater and get hom to commit or invest more...but its not his own genuine effort....you're guilting him and forcing him to appease you....how's that for true love? Wow! What magic!

 

But this is what many women like to do...they think they got to fight for crap, likes its some test to pass or challenge to win because of "how you fee" and then you manipulate yourself into believing whatever it is you want to believe because you don't want to lose this person.

 

Ill never understand how a guy who wants to give so little and is showing you how not ready and willing he is to"work through these ups and downs" as so many women like to call them, yet willing to go through for some ultimate victory...you know what you get in the end? You'll both be unhappy or settled for living in contempt and it'll never be like it was in the beginning because that wasn't love it was infatuation...it was the new car smell...it was the surge of emotion when you meet someone new you got along w....but oh big freakin deal, let's ruin the rest of our lives trying to relive that experience and get back to that place that never had the subtstance you thought it did....welcome to today's version of "love"....some love that is!

 

But no he does this and that that gives the relationship "hope" so let's keeping focusing on that and distracting ourselves w life while we ignore the relationship as a whole, because let's not accept the reality, let's keep "fighting" for love! There's some "grand prize" at the end of it I'm sure....how many women will cast themselves in the fire before you to realize you will get burned? Oh your love is different, your feelings more meaningful, my bad unlike the other 5 billion women.

 

Sorry ddlove, this is not just addressing you...you're a pretty girl and seem sweet, I'm trying to teach you a few lessons here before you end up investing too much.

[Gottabestrong]

I am sorry, but it does not sound like he cares as much a you or as much as he claims. My advice would be to walk away, but I realize that is not going to be easy.

 

Good luck!

[ddlovexx]

Ninja, I get what you're saying but I do feel a bit attacked by what you've written.

 

I do not force anything upon him. I have spoken to him many times about "maybe you're not ready, maybe we should have some time apart", etc. I never force him to do anything and I don't drag him down. I don't argue with him anymore when he dismisses me, I give him his space and everything. I am mature enough to let somebody go if they feel the need, I am not forcing him into this relationship. Maybe you didn't mean to attack me, but I sure do feel attacked.

 

That being said, he is always fighting to keep me. It's just that lately there is lack of emotion and passion and I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it anymore.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ninja, I get what you're saying but I do feel a bit attacked by what you've written.

 

I do not force anything upon him. I have spoken to him many times about "maybe you're not ready, maybe we should have some time apart", etc. I never force him to do anything and I don't drag him down. I don't argue with him anymore when he dismisses me, I give him his space and everything. I am mature enough to let somebody go if they feel the need, I am not forcing him into this relationship. Maybe you didn't mean to attack me, but I sure do feel attacked.

 

That being said, he is always fighting to keep me. It's just that lately there is lack of emotion and passion and I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it anymore.

 

I apologize ddlove, I have just become accustomed to these kinds of posts and feel like I'm having to cover the same subject matter and topic over and over and you just lose patience after a while.

 

As frustrated as I am with that, I don't have the right to take that out on you, so I apologize for that.

 

What I was trying to express in my previous post was there is a infatuation period with men that lasts in the beginning, because everything is new and exciting. Men will tell you nice things, want to spend more time with you and might even make you feel like the center of their world. That period generally lasts from 3 to 6 mons, but can last for a few years. Relationships change around the 3 and 4 year mark.

 

It seems like your boyfriend is just going through the motions and has wandering eyes, I wouldn't trust the guy because he is showing clear signs of not being fully invested and ready for commitment. When you push him away though or say you want it to be over, that always puts a little fire under a guys butt and he'll work hard enough for a short period of time just to keep you around. Because men don't like to be alone either...at least without having another backup plan or option.

 

What I mean by you "forcing" this, is you merely not calling him out on his behavior and actions and letting him get away with this. You're tolerating this kind of relationship with him by being silent and even though you can see him growing in distance, affection and time investment you still continue to let this process resume because you stand idle allowing it to be happening by still being apart of the situation. Because honestly, men just don't walk away from things easily, but it doesn't mean it's because they really love you...I'm sorry to say, they may care for you indeed but it takes more than that to motivate a man to want to spend time with you and share his life with you and that's not just a switch that eventually gets flipped in time or with your patience.

 

He also seems in a place where his priorities are invested with his career and pursuing his goals, this is what is on his mind the most. But you want to be apart of that, apart of his life someone he seeks to come closer to but he's not in that frame of mind, right now it's about himself and what he needs to do, you're just something on the side, you're down on the to-do list. This is normal for men however, this is not a good time for them to be in a relationship he just likely doesn't know how to live otherwise because he's stretching himself to be in this relationship with you when he clearly isn't motivated to invest deeply, not to mention he talks to other girls, and a guy just doesn't do that once I'm sorry to say.

 

I don't think you're being a brat but you are kind of acting your age on the neediness scale and that is something he's going to find annoying and smothering. I think he'll just pull farther away from you, feel guilty and spend some time with you then try to motivate and force himself to be with you and give you what you need/desire but at the end of the day realize he just doesn't have it in him. But he's not going to tell you that and be honest with you because he still doesn't want to lose you...he still wants you to be apart of his life, because even though he doesn't need you or feel the same way you do for him, he still rather have you in his life than not...it's a selfish choice, make sense?

 

You being generally happy and in love with him is just your perspective, I think you are going to feel that way regardless because of your emotions no matter how bad things get. You want things to work, to you it's a sign of how happy things can be, but he's got to feel and desire that too...I like he enjoys your companionship, attention and love...every man enjoys that, it's why we are with women but to reciprocate that, you can always tell as a woman when the man isn't feeling the way...for some reason many women just continue on, hoping that he'll change and it'll be like he was....all over you like in the beginning, sadly that was just the new love infatuation, and there's nothing to respark that, he'll just repeat the process with someone new. It's only been 10 months, at this point the relationship should be much stronger/bonded for it to last, things just don't improve, it has to be a mutual desire from both people.

 

I think you've got to move on, you're just going to invest more of your time, emotions and have these hopes that things will work out...the good news is I think you're selling yourself really short, event though you can't see it, but I think someone could love you much more than this guy, I think you're just learning about love still at this point.

[baRx]

I only see him 2, 3x a week if I'm lucky.

 

i know to you, that doesn't seem like much. I once had a "thing" with a girl whom I was only able to see once a month or so, if I was lucky. this went on for a couple of months, then before i knew it, 6 months had passed and we didn't see each other at all.

 

then it was back to once a month for maybe 3 months, and then back to 6 months without seeing each other.

 

key here, we only lived 45 minutes away from each other. she saw her 'friend' who lived 3 hours away more often than she bothered with me. that didn't stop her from getting jealous when she'd call and she'd hear a bartender or someone in the background.

she never wanted to spend any time with me, but wanted me to keep away from everyone else. ugh.

 

don't ask why i put up with it, i've since gotten far far away from that mess - but i guess the point i'm trying to drive home is that sometimes, what some think is "too little", others can perceive it as "great". i'd love to spend time with a girl 2 or 3 times a week, that would make my world.

 

good luck , i don't have much advice for you other than i think you're going to have to begin the process of distancing yourself completely from this guy.

Edited May 7, 2013 by baRx

[ddlovexx]

Ninja, I left him and a few days later he has a new gf. He is now spending all his time with her, doing things with her he never did with me, etc.

 

I know I was right to leave him and that's clear as anything now. I blocked him so I could stop seeing this stuff... but it's so hard. All I ever wanted from him- he is now willingly doing with a brand new gf. I am history in the snap of a finger.

 

It's so so hard and it hurts. I know I'm better off but it sucks a lot.

[David1722]

You will be ok, don't worry.