Feeling Pissed

[Goodbye]

Hello goodbye,

 

Perhaps I've missed something. I thought your affair was over, no? Why would you say that if your exposed the affair to his wife that he would drop you like a hot rock? If its over, it's over. If you feel (or know) that he is lying to his wife, why not tell her? Doesn't she deserve the truth that you can certainly give her? Again, sorry if I've missed something, but who cares what he would think of you if you gave his BS the truth. Sounds to me, like you won't tell her, because you're holding out hope that you two will get back together, and telling her would certainly take that off the table.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I've misunderstood.

 

 

wiser,

 

Yes, I'd say it is over. He says we are "taking time." Or, he is taking time. He claims he needs to see his therapist and figure out how to proceed in the least harmful way in exiting his marriage. this all sounds rational, but given the pattern of lies, I've chosen not to believe this.

[BrokenPrincess]

i understand how hard it is, i really do. and i get that you are desperately clinging onto any sort of contact.

 

just one question - is he worth the heartache? are you happy?

 

I feel like I will never be happy. BUT, I slept on your advice (&LGs perspective too) and woke up & decided to just tell him I was upset & why and call it a day. I sent it almost 2 hours ago, stomachs been in knots, trying to work while my minds spinning. Saw he read it 15 minutes ago, so no turning back now. No response. Maybe there won't be a response. I feel sick.

[Lostinlife4now]

Ok, so we all know that our MM are feeding us at least SOME lies. Right? In order to stay in a marriage...the lies go both ways. I get that.

 

My (ex)MM told me he told his wife about our relationship, and then told me he "needed time." He claimed he still loved me, but needed to work out his situation and would "come to me." We've been more or less NC for three weeks. We did speak last week and I asked him what he'd told his wife about his affair, and he then told me he didn't tell her about the affair, only that he was "in love" with me. She allegedly responded with anger (I say alledgedly because I'm not sure ANY of these conversations transpired.

 

So, I'm having a low day and did a little facebook stalking. Noticed he was posting friendly messages on his sister-in-law's FB page. She is close with the exMM's wife...so I'm thinking if he had told his wife ANYTHING about an affair, or being in love, his wife's sister wouldn't be pals right now. Who knows...JUST GUESSING.

 

Now I'm pissed. He'd begged me not to tell his wife, but now I'm having this Bunny Boiling desire to send her a letter with a truthful description of what her H has been up to over the past year with email/photo evidence, as he is one smooooth talker and seems to be able to talk himself out of anything.

 

This is NOT my style. I prefer to let people do their own thing, but I'm feeling vengeful. I want to rock his fake little world...but I know by doing so others will be hurt.

 

Talk me off the ledge...

 

 

Dear Goodbye....

 

I still after 2 years after the A want to tell his W. I don't think he has any right to get away with what he did for 7 years...and I think she has the right to know!

 

It comes and goes....the feeling of wanting to tell the W. But knowing me....I will SOMEDAY let her know!

[ComingInHot]

lostinlife4now wrote, "I want my daughter to be raised with conviction. To have a solid value system, ethics, respect herself and expect others to respect her as a woman.

 

That doesn't mean I'm a perfect example. It also doesn't mean I expect her to be perfect. But I hope that she is convicted when she knows she does wrong, whatever that may be. No matter how big or small in the worlds eyes."

 

Hey Lost*

I am not sure how I missed that you hadn't already told his W everything.

I am shocked

You are (from reading your posts) so Not one to sit by a let things happen. You are (from your posts) the one who MAKES things happen.

 

I totally believe you when you say that you WILL someday let his W know and then you will let her know Everything...*

 

I respect that. it scares me a little... but I respect it*

[Moemone]

Wow,

 

i once felt like i should send messages to my aps gf (he isnt married prob never will) but then i thought to my self, would i be able to live with my self?! I was the one who got my self in this mess!

 

Youre not over him, i dont think its a good idea to say anything to her.

 

Dont let your right turn into your wrong.

 

Thats what i told my self when i thought of messing him up.

 

Dont do it allow karma to play its role it will come back to him sooner or later

[Goodbye]

Dear Goodbye....

 

I still after 2 years after the A want to tell his W. I don't think he has any right to get away with what he did for 7 years...and I think she has the right to know!

 

It comes and goes....the feeling of wanting to tell the W. But knowing me....I will SOMEDAY let her know!

 

 

How do you know she doesn't know? What keeps you from telling her? What are the pros and cons in your mind of telling/not telling?

[So happy together]

Dont do anything!! As tempting as it is...it's not going to make you feel any better.

Be angry, be pissed, let it all out...just not in that way. Post here instead

 

I find it interesting, the OW always say 'don't tell', but the BS always says 'freakin tell!!'... I wonder, does it really matter? You are worried that you will blow up their world? That's his fault, isn't it?

 

I don't feel like I blew up my boyfriend's world at all. I think his affair set them all free to pursue their happiness which they were most assuredly not getting from one another!

 

So, I don't know anymore. I don't think I ever would have told, but when she found out I wasn't that sad for either of them. They had both failed miserably in their marriage and it is their own doing.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Something that isn't being brought up here in the, do I tell or not thread, is............everyone ought to have the truth of their own life.

 

I agree with this - I really do - but should she be the one to do it? I think she will look really bad if she does - I mean if the bs came to her and asked then I would say okay - but I am not sure she should take this route. It will turn very ugly and she will be the one that really looks desperate.

[Athens]

You will eventually hate yourself for doing it...negativity breeds negativity. Until you start healing for you and not worry what he is doing, you will be stuck in a cycle. Your happiness should not depend on anyone but you. Life is full of surprises, prepare yourself for whatever comes your way by being strong, healthy and focused on you. Do not allow others to define your life or happiness.

[spice4life]

You will eventually hate yourself for doing it...negativity breeds negativity. Until you start healing for you and not worry what he is doing, you will be stuck in a cycle. Your happiness should not depend on anyone but you. Life is full of surprises, prepare yourself for whatever comes your way by being strong, healthy and focused on you. Do not allow others to define your life or happiness.

 

This is very true. I can honestly say that all of the healing I've done during the whole affair process has been for me and no one else. I'm having a set back at the moment, but that is all it is and things will improve soon. I'm actually looking forward to my future even though I am sad right now. Thank you for the kind reminder.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

If she doesn't, who will? The chances of mm doing it, are slim to none. Yes it can turn ugly, but we all know that when we engage with a mm. It's not a surprise.

 

 

I know when I found out that I was dating a mm instead of separated man, I was beyond pissed, he stole my time, my affection, etc, all under a falsehood that he created. It's no different for a BS, she is in the dark. It sucks ass to find out that your reality is not what it seems to be. Didn't you hate being in the dark when your husband had his revenge affair?

 

I honestly was in my own emotional turmoil. Honestly I really knew for probably 6 months he was in an affair but I wasn't certain. I just waited until i had concrete proof before I confronted him.

 

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I only know that she will probably come,out looking really bad if she does this. There isn't any way around it. I understand how upset she is, but she being the one to tell will only make it worse. It would be best if there were someone else that could tell her. I don't know - i can only imagine the XMM will paint her in a really bad light.

[who_am_i]

Ok, so we all know that our MM are feeding us at least SOME lies. Right? In order to stay in a marriage...the lies go both ways. I get that.

 

My (ex)MM told me he told his wife about our relationship, and then told me he "needed time." He claimed he still loved me, but needed to work out his situation and would "come to me." We've been more or less NC for three weeks. We did speak last week and I asked him what he'd told his wife about his affair, and he then told me he didn't tell her about the affair, only that he was "in love" with me. She allegedly responded with anger (I say alledgedly because I'm not sure ANY of these conversations transpired.

 

So, I'm having a low day and did a little facebook stalking. Noticed he was posting friendly messages on his sister-in-law's FB page. She is close with the exMM's wife...so I'm thinking if he had told his wife ANYTHING about an affair, or being in love, his wife's sister wouldn't be pals right now. Who knows...JUST GUESSING.

 

Now I'm pissed. He'd begged me not to tell his wife, but now I'm having this Bunny Boiling desire to send her a letter with a truthful description of what her H has been up to over the past year with email/photo evidence, as he is one smooooth talker and seems to be able to talk himself out of anything.

 

This is NOT my style. I prefer to let people do their own thing, but I'm feeling vengeful. I want to rock his fake little world...but I know by doing so others will be hurt.

 

Talk me off the ledge...

 

Goodbye...

 

I know that I've mentioned to you before that I did tell xMM wife about our affair and in the long run it didn't make me feel better at all...quite the opposite actually.

 

There was a huge part of me that did it out of anger and frustration. He would spend so much time telling me how great I was and soon follow it up with reasons why he couldn't continue to see me. This happened over and over and over again. The times in between were amazing. I loved him. But, my self esteem became less and less with each round of rejection...and so did my expectations. I wanted him to stay in my life so bad and I can't even tell you why. Actually, yes I can...he was the man that I always thought I'd meet and he had every quality I thought I wanted. I became irrational and illogical...but most of all desperate.

 

The affair turned me into someone I never thought I'd be. I was selfish and never thought about how my actions would effect her and his children. When I told her I never thought past that minute...what it would do to her and how I would be changing her life forever. I never thought about how this would effect xMMs perception of me either, but I should have. I should have thought about it all, and now it is too late...I can never take it back.

 

I believe when OP tell you to tell her, that she deserves to know, they truly mean well...and for the most part they are right. She does deserve to know. She deserves it because you want to do the right thing by her. Not because the thought of him hanging out with her every night at home...laughing and enjoying life, continuing day to day like you never existed, and not thinking about you at all while you suffer...makes you furious.

 

Goodbye...this sh*t sucks! I know it! But between you and I, if I had the chance to do it all again, I wouldn't. I can see now that I did it because I wanted him to feel the same hurt that I had been feeling...and that was without a doubt the wrong reason. Please, do yourself a favor and be 100% sure that your reasons for telling are coming from the right place.

 

All the best....

[Goodbye]

You will eventually hate yourself for doing it...negativity breeds negativity. Until you start healing for you and not worry what he is doing, you will be stuck in a cycle. Your happiness should not depend on anyone but you. Life is full of surprises, prepare yourself for whatever comes your way by being strong, healthy and focused on you. Do not allow others to define your life or happiness.

 

 

Athens, you are one of the only BS's I've heard with this stance. What was the background of your H's dday? I agree with what you say, btw...just curious from your perspective.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye...

 

I know that I've mentioned to you before that I did tell xMM wife about our affair and in the long run it didn't make me feel better at all...quite the opposite actually.

 

There was a huge part of me that did it out of anger and frustration. He would spend so much time telling me how great I was and soon follow it up with reasons why he couldn't continue to see me. This happened over and over and over again. The times in between were amazing. I loved him. But, my self esteem became less and less with each round of rejection...and so did my expectations. I wanted him to stay in my life so bad and I can't even tell you why. Actually, yes I can...he was the man that I always thought I'd meet and he had every quality I thought I wanted. I became irrational and illogical...but most of all desperate.

 

The affair turned me into someone I never thought I'd be. I was selfish and never thought about how my actions would effect her and his children. When I told her I never thought past that minute...what it would do to her and how I would be changing her life forever. I never thought about how this would effect xMMs perception of me either, but I should have. I should have thought about it all, and now it is too late...I can never take it back.

 

I believe when OP tell you to tell her, that she deserves to know, they truly mean well...and for the most part they are right. She does deserve to know. She deserves it because you want to do the right thing by her. Not because the thought of him hanging out with her every night at home...laughing and enjoying life, continuing day to day like you never existed, and not thinking about you at all while you suffer...makes you furious.

 

Goodbye...this sh*t sucks! I know it! But between you and I, if I had the chance to do it all again, I wouldn't. I can see now that I did it because I wanted him to feel the same hurt that I had been feeling...and that was without a doubt the wrong reason. Please, do yourself a favor and be 100% sure that your reasons for telling are coming from the right place.

 

All the best....

 

Thank you so much for this well thought out reply. It was very helpful and I hope I re-read it when I'm feeling weak. It shouldn't come from me, it should come from him, but it won't. It should come from someone, but we don't share any common connections...so, she will likely carry on in her marriage with ignorant bliss. This shouldn't matter to me. And, I hope someday it doesn't matter to me.

[Athens]

Goodbye- I received an anon text to check out a fake name on my husbands phone-the only ones that would have known that were my H and our OW-she obviously looked at my husbands phone at some point to get my cell #-ICK!

She forced the issue thinking he would leave me for her, even though he had told her he never would.

 

This whole experience has taught me to be happy for me-you never know when you will get a text that will rock your world, you never know when something will knock you off balance-

 

Although I love my husband dearly, I discovered I was too dependent on relationships that defined me- I felt horrible thinking- I have a bad marriage, etc... I have worked on me now and you know what-what ever comes my way, I am ready....bring it-no more will anyone else define my happiness-if you want to be part of my life- awesome, but I know in my heart I can handle pretty much anything-

 

You know, my husband loves the independence, the fact I take care of me, etc..... I think as women, we place far too much value on who loves us-we need to be stronger-

[Lostinlife4now]

lostinlife4now wrote, "I want my daughter to be raised with conviction. To have a solid value system, ethics, respect herself and expect others to respect her as a woman.

 

That doesn't mean I'm a perfect example. It also doesn't mean I expect her to be perfect. But I hope that she is convicted when she knows she does wrong, whatever that may be. No matter how big or small in the worlds eyes."

 

Hey Lost*

I am not sure how I missed that you hadn't already told his W everything.

I am shocked

You are (from reading your posts) so Not one to sit by a let things happen. You are (from your posts) the one who MAKES things happen.

 

I totally believe you when you say that you WILL someday let his W know and then you will let her know Everything...*

 

I respect that. it scares me a little... but I respect it*

 

 

Thanks CIH.......

 

Don't let it scare you. I will handle her and tell with the utmost respect! Isn't that an oxymoron.

 

But if I were her.....I would HOPE someone would tell me...

 

But I already know she WILL NOT leave him....too into the money and children......but at least she will know her lousy marriage is not her fault.

[Athens]

If you want to respect the BS, stop your relationship with her husband now. I can not understand how people say they care about the BS or whatever and continue to sleep with their husband. If you really want to do the right thing, end the relationship. If you do not, the whole idea of I am going to tell her about it for her own good is a bit mute. That's my advice for those still involved in an affair.

 

 

For those that have ended it and suddenly feel remorse and need to tell. Ask yourself why you did not feel that way when you were having an affair and what your motivation is now. Is it really to help the BS or is it revenge against you AP? And if its revenge, why and is it a good idea?

Edited May 4, 2013 by Athens

[Goodbye]

Athens, yes...I feel it would be revenge at this point. Want to stop the cake eating. I'd like to pretend it is to give the BS the knowledge to help her make informed decisions about the future of her marriage, etc, etc. But it isn't. It would be to make the exMM have a taste of the sadness, lonliness, isolation, humiliation, frustration and anger I feel. I won't do it. I don't think so. I don't want to be remembered as a psycho.

[Athens]

Good for you goodbye for that. I have to say that the actions of our OW post DDay have erased any positive feelings he may have had of her. He feels nothing but anger and frustration about her and although in the short term that may make you feel good, in the long term she will just be the biggest mistake of his life and a pyscho rather than something a little more positive.

[who_am_i]

For those that have ended it and suddenly feel remorse and need to tell. Ask yourself why you did not feel that way when you were having an affair and what your motivation is now. Is it really to help the BS or is it revenge against you AP? And if its revenge, why and is it a good idea?

 

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say.

 

I had never had an affair before. ExMM was my first (and last) experience with being in a relationship I couldn't talk about. No one knew and I hadn't yet stumbled onto you fine people...I had no where to turn for advice.

 

In spite of having an affair, xMM was a good guy. I think the cycle of getting really close and then pulling away wasn't something he did on purpose. He never told me he loved me, but he did say that he had never felt for anyone (other then his wife) the way he felt about me. You can blame it on "the fog"...whatever...but I prefer to think it was genuine. I think that when he found himself getting too close he would get scared and pull away...like a defense mechanism. He wanted to continue to see me without getting too attached. He didn't do it to hurt me but at the time it sure felt like it.

 

Our last conversation prior to me telling his wife was sad. I couldn't say goodbye and insisted he just hang up. The last thing he said was...I will think of you always. Always! I can see now that saying goodbye was something he knew he had to do but it was hurting him too. In fact, I believe there may have been some tears on his end, but I could hardly tell over my sobbing. He may not have loved me but he sure as hell liked me a whole lot!

 

The conversation we had after I told her was awful. He said some pretty hurtful things to me (understandably as I betrayed his trust). We had spent 2 years having such great times together and in one minute of hurt and desperation I managed to kill all of his fond memories of me and replace them with anger...and it changed nothing!

 

When I told her I did it out of anger. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted her to show him the door, and if I'm honest I guess I wanted him to be with me. I didn't know what I was doing but I knew the second I hit send I was going to regret it. I've done things I'm not proud of...but this, this is by far the worst. If I would have respected his decision and walked away we would both still have good memories of our time together...but now when I think of him I'm sad because there's a pretty good chance he hates me & wishes he'd never met me, and that breaks my heart every single day.

 

All I can say is...if I would have only known then what I know now.

 

Doing it won't bring you the satisfaction you're hoping for.

[ThatJustHappened]

If you won't do it for your own good..why not do it for his wife's good? She deserves to know that she's been cheated on so she can make an informed decision about her future.

[Goodbye]

This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say.

 

I had never had an affair before. ExMM was my first (and last) experience with being in a relationship I couldn't talk about. No one knew and I hadn't yet stumbled onto you fine people...I had no where to turn for advice.

 

In spite of having an affair, xMM was a good guy. I think the cycle of getting really close and then pulling away wasn't something he did on purpose. He never told me he loved me, but he did say that he had never felt for anyone (other then his wife) the way he felt about me. You can blame it on "the fog"...whatever...but I prefer to think it was genuine. I think that when he found himself getting too close he would get scared and pull away...like a defense mechanism. He wanted to continue to see me without getting too attached. He didn't do it to hurt me but at the time it sure felt like it.

 

Our last conversation prior to me telling his wife was sad. I couldn't say goodbye and insisted he just hang up. The last thing he said was...I will think of you always. Always! I can see now that saying goodbye was something he knew he had to do but it was hurting him too. In fact, I believe there may have been some tears on his end, but I could hardly tell over my sobbing. He may not have loved me but he sure as hell liked me a whole lot!

 

The conversation we had after I told her was awful. He said some pretty hurtful things to me (understandably as I betrayed his trust). We had spent 2 years having such great times together and in one minute of hurt and desperation I managed to kill all of his fond memories of me and replace them with anger...and it changed nothing!

 

When I told her I did it out of anger. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted her to show him the door, and if I'm honest I guess I wanted him to be with me. I didn't know what I was doing but I knew the second I hit send I was going to regret it. I've done things I'm not proud of...but this, this is by far the worst. If I would have respected his decision and walked away we would both still have good memories of our time together...but now when I think of him I'm sad because there's a pretty good chance he hates me & wishes he'd never met me, and that breaks my heart every single day.

 

All I can say is...if I would have only known then what I know now.

 

Doing it won't bring you the satisfaction you're hoping for.

 

Thanks for sharing this. Again, very helpful.

[spice4life]

Athens, yes...I feel it would be revenge at this point. Want to stop the cake eating. I'd like to pretend it is to give the BS the knowledge to help her make informed decisions about the future of her marriage, etc, etc. But it isn't. It would be to make the exMM have a taste of the sadness, lonliness, isolation, humiliation, frustration and anger I feel. I won't do it. I don't think so. I don't want to be remembered as a psycho.

 

What you have to realize Goodbye is that all of the feelings of sadness, lonliness etc are there because you allowed yourself to participate in this relationship. I'm not saying this to be harsh, so I hope you don't take it that way. To be clear, all of these feelings are 100% valid and you should allow yourself to feel them, but just don't act on them. Vent them out in letters to him; just don't send them. Of course you're hurting now and will feel a thousand different feelings and you will also be on the other side of all this one day too. One question you can ask yourself is if this was a "normal" relationship and he ended it would you still want to find a way to attack him so he feels the way you do?

[Goodbye]

What you have to realize Goodbye is that all of the feelings of sadness, lonliness etc are there because you allowed yourself to participate in this relationship. I'm not saying this to be harsh, so I hope you don't take it that way. To be clear, all of these feelings are 100% valid and you should allow yourself to feel them, but just don't act on them. Vent them out in letters to him; just don't send them. Of course you're hurting now and will feel a thousand different feelings and you will also be on the other side of all this one day too. One question you can ask yourself is if this was a "normal" relationship and he ended it would you still want to find a way to attack him so he feels the way you do?

 

 

I wouldn't be so angered if the relationship had just ended. It was all of the promises HE made. About wanting to marry me. About wanting to have a baby with me...I kid you not when I tell you the man wanted me to go see some fertility specialist in NYC about egg banking. Just crazy promises and plans for the future. I got sucked in BIG TIME. Now it is shocking to be done...or at least I feel it is done. No, in a "normal" relationship I wouldn't have the amount of resentment, just sadness This was anything but normal.

[Goodbye]

Ok. I'm hoping I'm turning a corner and I'm starting to get a grip on the situation.