zevahc Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 So I need to vent and figure this might be a good option. The PA in my situation ended about 2 months ago. Since then contact has been none to limited etc...it was my idea initially (I'm the OM) but she agreed. I felt "stuck" in this situation with a woman I've come to love but can't be with when I want. She's really NOT mine. I told her she need to deal with her own stuff. We've tried to be friends although my heart aches. Nothing has changed. I still want her, still wish secretly that we had a future together. We go to lunch. We still talk, and occasionally I get a text about how she loves me and misses me. But things have decreased a great deal. So yesterday we had a harmless conversation on the phone about nothing really. And when we hung up, I chose to text to vent some of the built up frustration I've let build for awhile now. I told her that she still isn't dealing with her **** (pardon my language). That she strings me along and refuses to get the IC or even take steps in that direction. I told her that another 6 months will go by and I doubt she will still address her own life. She went silent. Then later in the evening she told me every word I said hurt. I told her it needed to be said. Well, it feels like the straw that snapped the friendship and that I'm losing a friend. I know everything is wrong in the first place but because I truly love this person it sucks to feel like I'm pushing her away. I know it had to be said. But man does it suck. Guess I just hate feeling like this...being forces to ensure the heart break. In my case I'm choosing to force these issues rather than enjoy the moment. And sometimes I tell myself to just be content and enjoy...I'm rambling now so I'll leave it at that.
ComingInHot Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 She's either been busted or playing you if she is M. Why do you do it? You don't sound happy at all. You know... if you wanted to, you could change that That's all I've got right now with the information you have posted*
Author zevahc Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 She's either been busted or playing you if she is M. Why do you do it? You don't sound happy at all. You know... if you wanted to, you could change that That's all I've got right now with the information you have posted* What part made you think she's busted?
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 So your words hurt her. SHE IS HURTING YOU by continuing to be in your life and allowing you to have hope that 'some day' you two will be together. That isn't happening. You're enabling her to stay in her marriage. She gets to have you in her life on some level and she gets to have the comforts of marriage, her household, her friends and family all intact. Each of you ARE feeding ego's and feelings by texting and calling, even if the A is over.. No friendship can happen, as you well know, it's making you feel like crap and you're hurting all the time. The ball is in your court. Tell her that for your own best interest, things have to end completely. Let her know that you do love her, wish her the best and IF she divorces, and that divorce is final, only then she can contact you, and date you in a proper way. Not before or give you updates.. Meaning if she is going to divorce, let it be because she truly does not want to be married to her husband anymore, and she is divorcing because it's the best thing for her. Not because of you. if you go on as things are now, your A will continue on as it is, hurting you more and preventing you from letting go, maybe finding a single woman who will love only you. Your MW is content with how things are which is why she has done NOTHING to change things up. She is interested in having the A on the side and wants to stay married. Hope you get strong so you can end it. 1
Author zevahc Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 Bcause you wrote "limited contact" . Your turn* Oh no...sorry for the confusion. I chose to slow it down in attempts to keep a friendship. I want to avoid a D-Day. We had and have a great friendship. It was there before the A. Not sure i personally can do it. Only time will tell. Right now I still feel too much.
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 You two were friends..Until the A. You two cannot go backwards. You know this, deep down. I read that you were a BS a long time ago, so you know too, no way would you have allowed your wife to continue to be friends with her exAP. It's impossible, once an affair happens it ruins the innocence and platonic part of the friendship, it can never go back to the way it once was.
ComingInHot Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 zevhac, Ahhh okay, I'm w/you now* So, you hurt because you find yourself sharing a woman you care for w/her H. She is hurt because you are being honest about your feelings. Let me ask, through all of this, where has she told you she wants to be and what has she done to get where she tells you she wants to be? Does she have children w/her H?
ComingInHot Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 whichwayisup wrote, " 4 Posts: 48,024 You two were friends..Until the A. You two cannot go backwards. You know this, deep down. I read that you were a BS a long time ago, so you know too, no way would you have allowed..." I Totally missed he was a BS!! You are dead on w/Zevhac already knowing then what he is enabling w/the A.
Author zevahc Posted May 2, 2013 Author Posted May 2, 2013 zevhac, Ahhh okay, I'm w/you now* So, you hurt because you find yourself sharing a woman you care for w/her H. She is hurt because you are being honest about your feelings. Let me ask, through all of this, where has she told you she wants to be and what has she done to get where she tells you she wants to be? Does she have children w/her H? Before I answer, let me say that I realize that what she said and what is real may be different. I don't think so..but it's possible. She doesn't have kids. She says he is a good guy, but they married because they felt it was just time. She claims there isn't love. She claims they are both not ready for kids because they don't even feel stable. She claims that she doesn't want kids with him until that is sorted out and she feels she has a true partner in the marriage and not just a roommate. That is exactly what I have pushed her to find out. I realize though. She can't do that with me around. Doesn't change my heart being wrenched. And yes, I know the ball is in my court. I don't really even know what to think...I'm frustrated because yes...i let myself fall in love with an unavailable woman. I don't think she'll do anything with me around. And I too wonder why she could be so hurt with me speaking the truth.
ComingInHot Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Sometimes the truth hurts when one Knows what they are doing is wrong. It's hard to look in the mirror and acknowledge You are the One, not Anyone else. Of course You above all people shouldn't be the person reminding her that what she is doing is "bad". Have you two talked about her Leaving her M?
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Sometimes the truth hurts when one Knows what they are doing is wrong. It's hard to look in the mirror and acknowledge You are the One, not Anyone else. Of course You above all people shouldn't be the person reminding her that what she is doing is "bad". Have you two talked about her Leaving her M? Thank you all for the honest replies. It's ironic how hard it is for me to walk away from something that I know to be wrong. As you all know now I was the BS 10 years ago. My ex left me a single father. My 1 year old stood in her crib asking for her mother the night she left. It was one of the most painful things I had ever experienced. I saw her routinely because we shared a daughter and it took me 3 years to get over the experience and for my desire for her to go away...and I believe that was only b/c of the experiences and repeated heartbreak I saw her put my toddler through...it made my heart hard towards her and still took 3 years. I've forgiven and was in a healthy place...my daughter is amazing...life was good...then all this..hit me out of the blue. Oddly, about 20 minutes ago she called...she was in tears...and told me specifically what hurt was that I accused her of not dealing with things...she enlightened me...and I realize that even though I was justified in some ways..in others I wasn't... Yes, we have talked about it...but she and I were both raised to honor the commitment...and even though the A is wrong, she doesn't feel she can walk away until she comes clean (not necessarily about this), and at least addresses the issues. I don't want it any other way either...she told me what she had addressed recently actually with her mother in law...which I was unaware... Nonetheless, the right answer is for me to leave her with her H to either fix the marriage or at least find the answers.....I shouldn't have vented to her...and every day it becomes more and more clear that we just can't stay where we are....i'm her crutch, and I'm only causing myself pain...with the hope... I'm sorry this isn't well thought out and choppy...i'm trying to spit it out and get back to my parental duties...
ComingInHot Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 zevahc, Why are you doing this? You Know the pain & betrayal of be cheated on by the one who promised to protect you! You sound like you SO enjoy your little princess* It's genuine, the way you speak of her and the joy you get from being her father. It truly is the greatest gift & Responsibility* Look at her tonight. Memorize every detail. One day, very soon, she will be a young woman. Beautiful, fun and full of life, much like the MW you are enabling to cheat. She is someones little princess too. Her father probably memorized every detail then watched her grow, fall in love, get M... What would you think/do if you found out Your little girl became someone who would cheat on her H? Would you understand? Would you want that for her? What are you teaching her as she grows? IF she knew, would she be proud of you? LET THIS M WOMAN GO. SHE IS NOT LEAVING UNTIL SHE'S TRIED W/HER H. YOU SHOULDN'T BE WAITING FOR ANY MW TO DECIDE IF SHE'LL GO W/#2!!!
Praying4Peace Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 So I feel like you are afraid if you let her go you'll lose her for good. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But if you stay in this I can promise you that you'll lose her (bc of all the guilt, pressure and bad feelings that will start to take over your A) AND you'll lose yourself. It's up to you. I know it's really hard. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It's a scary place to be when you're the one that has to take the painful action which will be even greater short term pain than you are in now. Even if she leaves her H, you should be nowhere near the situation or she'll associate you with all the terrible, horrible feelings that come with a D. You've been there, you know that even if you both want a D its a horrible process.
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 zevahc, Why are you doing this? You Know the pain & betrayal of be cheated on by the one who promised to protect you! You sound like you SO enjoy your little princess* It's genuine, the way you speak of her and the joy you get from being her father. It truly is the greatest gift & Responsibility* Look at her tonight. Memorize every detail. One day, very soon, she will be a young woman. Beautiful, fun and full of life, much like the MW you are enabling to cheat. She is someones little princess too. Her father probably memorized every detail then watched her grow, fall in love, get M... What would you think/do if you found out Your little girl became someone who would cheat on her H? Would you understand? Would you want that for her? What are you teaching her as she grows? IF she knew, would she be proud of you? LET THIS M WOMAN GO. SHE IS NOT LEAVING UNTIL SHE'S TRIED W/HER H. YOU SHOULDN'T BE WAITING FOR ANY MW TO DECIDE IF SHE'LL GO W/#2!!! Thank you for being honest and putting this in perspective. I do love this woman, but I do apprecite you helping me realize that #1 i have to be the kind of example i want for my child. I know what I need to do...and you're right. I do know the pain of being cheated on. It's horrible.
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 So I feel like you are afraid if you let her go you'll lose her for good. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. But if you stay in this I can promise you that you'll lose her (bc of all the guilt, pressure and bad feelings that will start to take over your A) AND you'll lose yourself. It's up to you. I know it's really hard. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. It's a scary place to be when you're the one that has to take the painful action which will be even greater short term pain than you are in now. Even if she leaves her H, you should be nowhere near the situation or she'll associate you with all the terrible, horrible feelings that come with a D. You've been there, you know that even if you both want a D its a horrible process. You're right. It is a horrible process. I guess the only thing I can say is that I wish I would have been the friend I should have been rather than an enabler in this...i do genuinely want what is best for everyone...including the BS, her, and myself...and that means doing the hard thing....and letting them work on things with me completely out of the picture....i hate the pain....honestly...it's why after my divorce 10 years ago i've remained single...I didn't want anything but what was right for me and my kid...and I definitely didn't want this...not this way...i'm glad i've found the ability to love...but not under these circumstances.
ComingInHot Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 There are many here who understand what you are going through and will help you get through. You sound like a good strong person who can come out better! 1
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 You know what is strange about me now being the OM instead of the BS. It makes me want to sit down with my ex (we share a child bear in mind), and her husband who were AP 10 years ago when I was the BS and truly tell them that all is forgiven... Life just is not as black and white or as easy as we try and make it...I love what ComingInHot wrote...about it being about learning and growing. I'm sure others have said the same.
Praying4Peace Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You know what is strange about me now being the OM instead of the BS. It makes me want to sit down with my ex (we share a child bear in mind), and her husband who were AP 10 years ago when I was the BS and truly tell them that all is forgiven... Life just is not as black and white or as easy as we try and make it...I love what ComingInHot wrote...about it being about learning and growing. I'm sure others have said the same. Then do it! Anything you can do to heal, grow, learn will be a plus for you right now. When you feel good about yourself you will feel good about doing the right thing. I can tell you are a good guy.
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Then do it! Anything you can do to heal, grow, learn will be a plus for you right now. When you feel good about yourself you will feel good about doing the right thing. I can tell you are a good guy. I'll think this through...because I want to keep it simple and honest....without bringing any of this to light with the potential to hurt anyone. My ex isn't a great person...doesn't mean she shouldn't receive forgiveness.
ComingInHot Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Maybe you're not truly ready for a full on relationship so you subconciously chose an unavailable woman.?.? I agree w/praying4peace. You sound like a decent guy. However your actions are not decent at all. I am Truly sorry you are hurting. We ALL wish there was some magic pill we could take to lesson the pain and move forward w/a big grin on our face. There isn't. What do you do w/your free time? What can you do w/your daughter? Last thing... having been (at this point) both a BS & OM, have you considered meeting w/a councilor do lay it all out? Maybe figure out what You can do to change Your behavior and outlook? You shed this infidelity CR*P and I'll bet you're quite a catch* Right now though, a-lot of good, honorable, single women would throw you back to grow. Hope you have a better day.
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Maybe you're not truly ready for a full on relationship so you subconciously chose an unavailable woman.?.? I agree w/praying4peace. You sound like a decent guy. However your actions are not decent at all. I am Truly sorry you are hurting. We ALL wish there was some magic pill we could take to lesson the pain and move forward w/a big grin on our face. There isn't. What do you do w/your free time? What can you do w/your daughter? Last thing... having been (at this point) both a BS & OM, have you considered meeting w/a councilor do lay it all out? Maybe figure out what You can do to change Your behavior and outlook? You shed this infidelity CR*P and I'll bet you're quite a catch* Right now though, a-lot of good, honorable, single women would throw you back to grow. Hope you have a better day. I spend every waking moment with my daughter and I guess in some ways this has been my only escape. It was nice to be sought after. I did meet with a counselor and told her everything. Told her that I don't feel any guilt about loving this woman, and I felt it was honest and real. But that I felt wrong about the A because of my upbringing. Two extremely conflicting things because of a value set and my heart. She didn't seem to think I needed to continue sessions as I knew what I needed to do. Executing is where I keep having trouble. Since we work together it's difficult to have NC without being obvious and I feel like anything and everything ropes me back in to an EA.
underwater2010 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You took the right steps. You ended the physical portion and gave the ultimatum of fixing herself and to make a choice. The pain she is feeling is her own doing. I think you need to quit taking with her. You CANNOT have a friendship with someone you were bedding. I am sorry your heart is broke, but it is time to move on. Don't be a participant in another mans betrayal. You know how it feels, use that to your advantage. HUGS 1
jezebella Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 You know what is strange about me now being the OM instead of the BS. It makes me want to sit down with my ex (we share a child bear in mind), and her husband who were AP 10 years ago when I was the BS and truly tell them that all is forgiven... Life just is not as black and white or as easy as we try and make it...I love what ComingInHot wrote...about it being about learning and growing. I'm sure others have said the same. Whether you do this or not, this gives me comfort. If anyone had told me I'd be an unfaithful W, at any point in my life, I would have been offended to my core. I was so sure that my moral fiber was made of the strongest stuff, and I would NEVER be someone who would do something so low. Having done it, I realize how weak most humans are, and how human it is to fail. If I could ever get forgiveness from my AP's BS, it would bring me to my knees.
Author zevahc Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 Whether you do this or not, this gives me comfort. If anyone had told me I'd be an unfaithful W, at any point in my life, I would have been offended to my core. I was so sure that my moral fiber was made of the strongest stuff, and I would NEVER be someone who would do something so low. Having done it, I realize how weak most humans are, and how human it is to fail. If I could ever get forgiveness from my AP's BS, it would bring me to my knees. Jezebella...you are not alone. Believe me. I had never in my life cheated on anyone. Technically I haven't still, but being the OM, as a single guy is no excuse. I thought that I too had the moral fiber to say NEVER. Regardless of what people believe in religion or sin I'll say this...for me, I let sin creep slowly into my life. It was so subtle and slow that I never saw this coming. It for sure wasn't the moment the PA started. By that time I was obviously weak and covetous. It shows me how weak and flawed we are...the temptation should have been halted long before. I've learned that I need ground rules. I need to flee from temptation immediately when I know its there. That means it a MW is making me feel good with her words that cross the boundary of friendship then I flee. Opposite sex friendships are fine. I have many that are healthy. But I think we all generally know when lines are crossed. Even subtle joking or flirting is a start of what could lead to this.... Don't beat yourself up. I know I tend to...but if anything this has given me a desire to be more forgiving and less judgemental.
Recommended Posts