The UPSIDES of being out of an affair

May 2, 2013

Feel free to post the positive sides of being out of your A.

We all know how painful it is, but it is helpful to see what we escaped, too.

Thanks to Feb for the idea in one of my other posts.

May 2, 2013

1. I can focus on my life again and my family. No longer feeling like I'm in a fog, half listening, half paying attention. (Although the breakup aftermath is very distracting too, I'm hoping that wears off soon.)

2. No longer need to take the time to respond to xMM's 40-80 texts all day, every day.

3. No longer spending a bunch of time taking pictures of myself to text to xMM, at his request. Ugh.

4. All of my responsibilities were slipping. Housework, groceries, laundry, paying bills, etc., I was barely getting things done. And some were just falling through the cracks. I wasn't functioning well during the A. Now I can gain some productivity back.

5. No more worrying about the A being discovered. (Although honestly, this wasn't a huge concern to me.)

6. Don't have to listen to xMM talk, brag & gripe about his life anymore. His wife, his mom and dad, his in-laws, his hunting, his job, etc. Also, his endless stories from his past. A lot of it was just bragging, to play himself up. He talked incessantly and I absorbed it all.

7. Now I won't spend money going shopping to find cute new clothes to wear for xMM. Didn't need to be spending that money, and that's done.

8. No more fear or potential pregnancy! (My H is fixed, xMM is not.)

9. Can reallocate time back to my social life and my friends, who had taken a back seat to my secret A. (Actually I kind of pushed everyone away because if it didn't have to do with the A, I wasn't interested.)

10. Will be able to focus on my job more. Was barely keeping up with grading, class plans, etc because xMM was just much more appealing.

11. Don't have to worry about waiting for the next text from xMM, and wondering what he's doing or if he's thinking about me, etc.

12. No longer have to waste time feeling insecure about the future of the A. I would pine over our eventual breakup before it even happened! At least I don't have to ponder that question anymore. It's done.

13. During the A, I wanted to be alone a lot when I was at home. In a different room, etc. Separated physically from my family. That really bothered me, even as it was happening. I know that it was a psychological side affect of the A.

14. Don't have to worry about doing/saying something that will make xMM angry or jealous.

15. Being gone from my home/family while off, meeting with xMM. That was bad. I'd always think, "God forbid something happens to one of my kids at home while I'm out here having this tryst, I'd never forgive myself for not being there."

16. Don't have to create new alibis all the time. Exhausting and stressful.

17. Don't have to worry about xMM getting tired of me or finding another OW.

18. Once the fog is totally cleared away and I'm no longer pining for xMM, I'll be able to focus on my marriage again and figure out what we're doing.

19. Don't have to fall any further for xMM.

May 2, 2013

1. No more sleepless nights waiting him to call from another time zone...I know he isn't going to call.

2. No more expensive airline tickets.

3. No more making up stories about where I was going because he is married.

4. No more being the side dish.

That is it for me at the moment. I still miss him so the gratitude part about the ending is rough

May 2, 2013

1. I can focus on my life again and my family. No longer feeling like I'm in a fog, half listening, half paying attention. (Although the breakup aftermath is very distracting too, I'm hoping that wears off soon.)

2. No longer need to take the time to respond to xMM's 40-80 texts all day, every day.

3. No longer spending a bunch of time taking pictures of myself to text to xMM, at his request. Ugh.

4. All of my responsibilities were slipping. Housework, groceries, laundry, paying bills, etc., I was barely getting things done. And some were just falling through the cracks. I wasn't functioning well during the A. Now I can gain some productivity back.

5. No more worrying about the A being discovered. (Although honestly, this wasn't a huge concern to me.)

6. Don't have to listen to xMM talk, brag & gripe about his life anymore. His wife, his mom and dad, his in-laws, his hunting, his job, etc. Also, his endless stories from his past. A lot of it was just bragging, to play himself up. He talked incessantly and I absorbed it all.

7. Now I won't spend money going shopping to find cute new clothes to wear for xMM. Didn't need to be spending that money, and that's done.

8. No more fear or potential pregnancy! (My H is fixed, xMM is not.)

9. Can reallocate time back to my social life and my friends, who had taken a back seat to my secret A. (Actually I kind of pushed everyone away because if it didn't have to do with the A, I wasn't interested.)

10. Will be able to focus on my job more. Was barely keeping up with grading, class plans, etc because xMM was just much more appealing.

11. Don't have to worry about waiting for the next text from xMM, and wondering what he's doing or if he's thinking about me, etc.

12. No longer have to waste time feeling insecure about the future of the A. I would pine over our eventual breakup before it even happened! At least I don't have to ponder that question anymore. It's done.

13. During the A, I wanted to be alone a lot when I was at home. In a different room, etc. Separated physically from my family. That really bothered me, even as it was happening. I know that it was a psychological side affect of the A.

14. Don't have to worry about doing/saying something that will make xMM angry or jealous.

15. Being gone from my home/family while off, meeting with xMM. That was bad. I'd always think, "God forbid something happens to one of my kids at home while I'm out here having this tryst, I'd never forgive myself for not being there."

16. Don't have to create new alibis all the time. Exhausting and stressful.

17. Don't have to worry about xMM getting tired of me or finding another OW.

18. Once the fog is totally cleared away and I'm no longer pining for xMM, I'll be able to focus on my marriage again and figure out what we're doing.

19. Don't have to fall any further for xMM.

Wow, i could've written this exact list! I definitely distanced myself from my H and kids during the A. And I hate that the most...that I didn't put my kids first. I will say that is the biggeat upside to being out of the A....put all my time and energy into my kids again, instead of obsessing about the A!

I still have my moments where I withdrawl, while i am trying to deal with the sadness of the break up. But the upsides are starting to outweigh the downsides.

This is a great thread. It helps to see things written out...makes me open my eyes more, ya know?

May 2, 2013

Mine occurred at work and I am a very successful, highly respected executive. I no longer have to worry about my reputation and decades of work being ruined.

The fog is so real. I did not realize how much I'd "left" all that came before to immerse myself in the fantasy world of the A. Resurfacing is a huge relief.

May 3, 2013

- I feel like I'm back to my normal self.

- We are co-workers, and I no longer have to wonder whether he is going to want to meet during lunch or after work. I have total control of my schedule and am able to spend more time with friends

- I no longer have to check for emails from him, and get disappointed when there isn't one (it was mostly the case)

- Don't have to deal with his jealous and possessive behavior

- I don't feel cheap anymore. We always met in such a secret way. There weren't even meetings in public places.

- I don't have to worry about when his wife's birthday or their anniversary is coming up, and feeling like crap

- I don't have to deal with him complaining about his wife when he's having a bad day, but then turning around and saying he loves her

- I don't have to feel guilty for potentially ruining both of our marriages

- I don't have to be scared of getting caught

- I am focused on my marriage and my husband. I no longer have to leave my husband in the middle of us watching TV to get online for xOMM (and don't have to constantly check my phone to see if he showed online).

- When I'm having conflicts with my husband, I can actually deal with them more productively.

- I no longer have to keep secrets from my husband, who has always been my best friend. We never had any secrets between us until my affair.

I'm sure there are more things, but this is it for now :-)

May 3, 2013

It was so amazing how everything on your list was what I was experiencing too, down to the dirty details. I hope mothers who are in the middle of an A take a look at this to learn from us. SweetBella's #13 struck me especially hard, as I did this too for two years. I would heat up my dinner and bring it to another room and pretend I was busy with something, that's how bad it got. I even forgot to register for my kid's school. When the kids wanted something and I was busy with a "sext", i'd be pretty short with them and ask them what they wanted to just get them out of the room. When I drove them to activities and school I didn't really talk to them. It was the bare minimum of communication. I hate that I cheated them out of a good mom for two years. I also knew it was happening as I was doing it. I guess that's why they compare being in an A to being on drugs. Kids KNOW when something is going on. They don't know about the A, but I'm sure deep down they sensed I was detached for a while. I am very happy to be back in their lives in a full and real way and that is definitely distracting me from thoughts of my xAP.

My work and home productivity was heavily impacted through this. I probably accomplished 20 percent of that I used to before the A. Now that I am NC, I'm getting back. I would say I'm 50% productive than before NC. I still wallow in thoughts of A and come to LS and surf the web for support and guidance. But I am quickly getting back into the swing of things and am learning to really laugh again. It turns out there are other people out there who have a great sense of humor besides my xAP -- including my own family.

May 3, 2013

no more lying to myself by trying to justify why it's ok to settle for less then I need & deserve.

and the BIG one...

i don't have to shave my legs quite as often

May 3, 2013

It was so amazing how everything on your list was what I was experiencing too, down to the dirty details. I hope mothers who are in the middle of an A take a look at this to learn from us. SweetBella's #13 struck me especially hard, as I did this too for two years. I would heat up my dinner and bring it to another room and pretend I was busy with something, that's how bad it got. I even forgot to register for my kid's school. When the kids wanted something and I was busy with a "sext", i'd be pretty short with them and ask them what they wanted to just get them out of the room. When I drove them to activities and school I didn't really talk to them. It was the bare minimum of communication. I hate that I cheated them out of a good mom for two years. I also knew it was happening as I was doing it. I guess that's why they compare being in an A to being on drugs. Kids KNOW when something is going on. They don't know about the A, but I'm sure deep down they sensed I was detached for a while. I am very happy to be back in their lives in a full and real way and that is definitely distracting me from thoughts of my xAP.

My work and home productivity was heavily impacted through this. I probably accomplished 20 percent of that I used to before the A. Now that I am NC, I'm getting back. I would say I'm 50% productive than before NC. I still wallow in thoughts of A and come to LS and surf the web for support and guidance. But I am quickly getting back into the swing of things and am learning to really laugh again. It turns out there are other people out there who have a great sense of humor besides my xAP -- including my own family.

This. All of it. Exactly my experience. My A was relatively short (3 months) but I was the same way with my kids. Exactly. I would forget things all the time , even the important stuff. I'd be impatient or more often ignore them, send them away. It broke my heart AS it was happening. I felt terrible but could NOT stop. I thought I was having some sort of breakdown or identity crisis.

I'm 3 weeks NC so like you, I am not back to 100%. Like you, I was 20-30% as productive during the A, & now maybe 40-50% because I'm still in the fog, missing xMM, wallowing. Some days are better than others. But I'm still not back where I need to be.

Thank you for sharing, Feb & for giving me the idea for this thread!

May 3, 2013

Sweetbella - Great list. I could have written many myself.

Here's the big one for me: Listening to exMM "brag" about all his money, assets, accomplishments. It was all hogwash, as I learned he's a compulsive, habitual liar and all the money was his wife's. The house was in her name.

All those annoying lies. Ugh.

May 3, 2013

SweetBella and Feb, I am 100% in line.

I am a really Type A productive person. I have overachieved my entire life. At home, I have always been the one responsible for the finances, the holiday and birthday planning, the vacations, the house maintenance (I tell H what needs to be done, and do what I can). Things are always totally organized and clean and on time.

During the A, all of this fell apart.

The bills just piled up - almost a foot high - before I'd reluctantly get to them, and then I'd just deal with whatever was at risk of affecting my credit or turning off services.
The house got cluttered and dirty. I'd go on a trip and my suitcase would lie there unpacked for weeks.
I'd miss or forget about school events, or show up late to conferences.
Saying this makes me want to kill myself, but I didn't do anything for my son's 7th birthday - just a trip to a restaurant, but never got around to the sleepover he wanted (my god, the GUILT).
I would let my husband go visit our nearby relatives with the kids without me so I could stay home and focus on my A - I could not even see my AP on the weekends, but being alone to focus on my phone and email and skype was more important to me than family time.
Christmas was phoned in, and I relied on my husband to carry the entire burden.

I actually resented having to go do things with my family or at work - anything that took away time from the A.

One night while cuddling with my son, he said to me, "I will love you forever, Mom. Even you got a divorce, I would still love you." My H and I have never mentioned that word. We don't even fight, really. I think kids pick up the subtlest of things, and assuming I come through this OK and get back to my old self, I will never live down the guilt of cheating them of their mother for 2 years.

I am not 100% back yet at all - the bills are still piled high, the house is cluttered, etc. - but I am present for my children. One of the most healing moments I've had over the last two weeks of NC was just sitting with them on the porch, hearing about their lives, listening to music. I wanted to do it; I was present in it; I didn't want to be anywhere else; and it made me happy.

May 3, 2013

Sweetbella - Great list. I could have written many myself.

Here's the big one for me: Listening to exMM "brag" about all his money, assets, accomplishments. It was all hogwash, as I learned he's a compulsive, habitual liar and all the money was his wife's. The house was in her name.

All those annoying lies. Ugh.

Omg egalew, my xMM too! He bragged about his income a lot. And told me that he keeps his money separate so that his young wife doesn't know how much he makes. Yikes. I did however appreciate that he insisted on paying for everything! But yeah xMM spent a lot of time building himself up in my eyes. Now I realize he was just insecure but it was annoying to listen to all the stories. Blah blah blahh

May 3, 2013

SweetBella - Gurrrl, I can go on forever about the lies and exaggerations. If his mouth was moving, he was telling some tall tale. Now I look back and thing, what an ass. Examples:

- We go to a party and he immediately tells the hosts that his son has a house in Beverly Hills. (Son lives in Pasadena. But who in the hell does that?)

- Brags about property he and wife owns. (Wife owns a little piece of land with 5 family members, worth maybe $2,000.)

- Says, "I've been paying the taxes on the property for years." (What he meant, I discovered, is he goes to the court house like a little errand boy, with his wife's money, and pays.)

Everything he did was always the best, the greatest, the first.....

I could on on and on and on.

The thing that makes me made is he lied and made falls

May 3, 2013

I want to say that this is an amazing post. I would like to add a few comments that may seem as criticism. Please, do not take it the wrong away, i just want to help you.

Help me by re-asserting the points I already made? Ok.

You are a smart woman. Promise to never send photos of yourself to these losers. You are playing with fire and these photos could easily appear on the Internet somewhere. Perhaps, you were foggy, but this is not smart.

My face wasn't in any explicit/nude photos. I may have been behaving like an idiot during the A but I had this one covered.

If you were this dedicated to your H your marriage would be better.

Agreed. Both H and I haven't been dedicated enough to our marriage for about 4 years now. These things (him = one night stands, me = affair)...these things don't happen in a vacuum. We have to work on this, together.

As In said the post is amazing and I only mentioned the parts that bothered me. I was disappointed not to see a statement like this:

I am glad the affair is over because I was betraying my H This suggest a profound lack of empathy from your part.

It may suggest a lack of empathy but you don't know me beyond a computer screen and one week's time. You also don't know my H. He and I have both betrayed each other. We have both been imperfect. Of course I feel guilty for my part, I'm not a monster. I assumed that my guilt is implied since I feel so bad about having the A to begin with. But you know what they say about assuming...

Pierre, I've appreciated your insight. That being said, when I'm posting a mea culpa which bares my vulnerabilities and low points for all to see, it is because I'm ASHAMED of myself. I may DESERVE to be ridiculed and admonished for my behavior but not on a support group for those who have been unfaithful.

You'll say that I'm assuming a "defensive posture" but c'mon, most of the points you make, I've already made! There's no need to try to make me feel worse because that's pretty much impossible. Maybe you just like to drive the final nail into the coffin. (?)

Again, thanks for your time in replying to my posts. I do appreciate the many of your insights, except for the redundant ones, you know, the ones I've already made.

May 3, 2013

SweetBella and Feb, I am 100% in line.

During the A, all of this fell apart.

The bills just piled up - almost a foot high - before I'd reluctantly get to them, and then I'd just deal with whatever was at risk of affecting my credit or turning off services.
The house got cluttered and dirty. I'd go on a trip and my suitcase would lie there unpacked for weeks.
I'd miss or forget about school events, or show up late to conferences.
Saying this makes me want to kill myself, but I didn't do anything for my son's 7th birthday - just a trip to a restaurant, but never got around to the sleepover he wanted (my god, the GUILT).
I actually resented having to go do things with my family or at work - anything that took away time from the A.

One night while cuddling with my son, he said to me, "I will love you forever, Mom. Even you got a divorce, I would still love you." My H and I have never mentioned that word. We don't even fight, really. I think kids pick up the subtlest of things, and assuming I come through this OK and get back to my old self, I will never live down the guilt of cheating them of their mother for 2 years.

I am not 100% back yet at all - the bills are still piled high, the house is cluttered, etc. - but I am present for my children. One of the most healing moments I've had over the last two weeks of NC was just sitting with them on the porch, hearing about their lives, listening to music. I wanted to do it; I was present in it; I didn't want to be anywhere else; and it made me happy.

This is sooooo me... all of it. Clutter and mess everywhere. Besides the obvious, which is that the A took priority over everything else, I think there are also some psychological things going on. I wonder if we've formerly been on top of our game, and now it's a mess, it's a case of "cluttered mind, cluttered life". This weekend we'll see as I unwind myself out of this, if I can get some of my backlogged paperwork in order. I noticed right after NC, I had this impulse to clean out this one cabinet that I've been meaning to get to, and I actually did it. My guess is that once we are close to being fully healed, SweetBella, Jezebel and I are going to go into hyper-mom mode and get all of our sh*t in order, big time.

The other factor in this was all the ENERGY spent and wasted, which is another reason I think our houses are out of order. Let's face it -- guilt, fantasizing, fear, excitement, and emotional turmoil are all physically exhausting. I slept and napped a lot after work and on weekends. You have an adrenaline rush, but you crash after. Although the past week I've been an emotional wreck, I still have more energy now than I have in two years. Someone compared the affair fog to being underwater, and I think that's a great analogy. It's hard to move and function when you are underwater.

As far as kids, I can guarantee they knew something was happening. They just didn't know what. In the height of my A, my kid asked me, "Mommy, do you enjoy being a mom?". I asked why he asked that, and he said, "Just wondering". I'm pretty sure he was not just wondering, but was picking up on vibes that I was unhappy being a mom. I wasn't, it was the affair fog.

May 3, 2013

OK, maybe I am expecting too many "mea culpas". You are corect!

And I cannot overstate anymore that you are to be congratulated for your self analysis.

Thank you. I spend a lot of time analyzing things. My H lives moment to moment and doesn't overthink anything. I do it for the both of us.

This is my concern: If OM calls to get it on again: What will you do?

This is a concern for me too. How long are drug addicts required to stay in rehab to be considered "clean" or withdrawn from the substance? I'd imagine I need that much time, at least.

I'd like to sit here and say that with all of my epiphanies over the past 3 weeks, all of the insight and returning to my own life, I would tell him to go to Hell. And maybe I would, maybe I would surprise myself! But I'm not completely "clean" from the drug yet...every day that he doesn't call/text, he gives me 24 more hours to become a stronger woman.

And you're absolutely right, I am out of his league in a BIG way. I have a sneaking suspicion this is probably a big motivator behind the break up. He used that secret profile as an excuse (I lied to him, GASP) but in reality HE was afraid of getting dumped by ME so he launched a pre-emptive strike. Thinking back, I believe he was more insecure in the A than I was, and that's saying something. Two insecure cheaters with great sexual chemistry = FAIL

If my suspicion is correct then he is suffering right now, probably trying to figure out what he should do or if he should do anything at all. If he doesn't ever try to contact me, it will likely be because he is afraid that I will reject him, after he dumped me so unceremoniously. His ego is huge, rejection would be like a bullet.

But each hour ticks by and my phone doesn't chirp. I go to my dance classes, teach my students, play with my kids, enjoy long chats with H, have lunch with my girlfriends, take my Labs for a long walk...and all the while I'm getting stronger...

Edited May 3, 2013 by SweetBella1

May 3, 2013

1) I don't have to hide anything anymore or sneak around.

2) My future feels more certain. I'm not waiting for her to decide to leave the bastard and get on with her life. My life is my own again

Mind you I was the OM so I had a lot more freedoms than she did and I didn't have a whole lot to lose if there was a D-Day.

May 3, 2013

I suspect, you probably had a lot of pop psych which is basically a system that is designed to make you feel better, but does not change anything.

Have you considered seeing a pychiatrist instead of a pop psychologist?

I'm curious about this, Pierre.

I have been in IC since before the A, when I knew I was hurtling toward it. I had a trifecta of traumatizing events that set me on this path. I was fully aware I was losing control and about to do damage. The IC both did nothing to prevent it, nor has it made me feel "cured" or more capable of handling the problems leading up to the A. I actually went off on my therapist last week because I don't need someone to sit and nod, or parrot back what I just said - I need actual coping skills, new ways of thinking, some sort of real/tangible action to help me change/heal.

I've had friends suggest hypnotherapy, trauma therapy, cognitive therapy, but I don't know about these things. Are you informed on them? Why psychiatry versus therapy?

May 3, 2013

Narcissists may look ,like Alfa males, but deep inside they are incredibly insecure. The more you talk about this guy the worse he looks. If I was a woman i would stay away:laugh:.

Well staying away isn't an issue, exMM lives an hour and a half away from me. And, going off of relationships in the past, I'm a pro at NC. He ended the A. I won't budge.

I really & truly think he's gone for good and I need to avoid any expectations that he will be back. His personality and lifestyle will keep him away. I can't fully grieve/recover from him if I keep hearing that he's bound to contact me again. It keeps something alive.

Have you considered seeing a pychiatrist instead of a pop psychologist?

You're very wise and again, you hit the nail on the head. The pop therapy hasn't worked for me. The affirmations only validate me for so long, then the shine goes dull. I think a deeper psychoanalysis would definitely be more helpful. Like I just told a friend on the phone, "Something is really broken but I can't figure out where it is, or how to fix it."

May 3, 2013

I had a trifecta of traumatizing events that set me on this path. I was fully aware I was losing control and about to do damage. The IC both did nothing to prevent it, nor has it made me feel "cured" or more capable of handling the problems leading up to the A. I actually went off on my therapist last week because I don't need someone to sit and nod, or parrot back what I just said - I need actual coping skills, new ways of thinking, some sort of real/tangible action to help me change/heal.

I could've written this, verbatim! My therapist basically lets me vent, then tells me that I'm okay. Ummm, no I'm not.

May 3, 2013

((hoping this will bump up for Pierra and jezebella)) It was moved to another forum! ???

May 3, 2013

((hoping this will bump up for Pierra and jezebella)) It was moved to another forum! ???

Why was it moved? It certainly belongs where it was....

May 4, 2013

Why was it moved? It certainly belongs where it was....

I don't know but I was looking forward to Pierre's response to your question!

Maybe someone reported it as not supportive of OWs & OMs?? But I think it is totally relevant! Reading yours & Feb's posts made me feel less alone in how I'd been behaving. :-/

May 25, 2013

Alexandria -they are in denial. An A doesn't contribute to marriage & kids, it takes away. Time, energy, thought, passion. All funneled away to the affair.

July 13, 2013

1. I can focus on my life again and my family. No longer feeling like I'm in a fog, half listening, half paying attention. (Although the breakup aftermath is very distracting too, I'm hoping that wears off soon.)

2. No longer need to take the time to respond to xMM's 40-80 texts all day, every day.

3. No longer spending a bunch of time taking pictures of myself to text to xMM, at his request. Ugh.

4. All of my responsibilities were slipping. Housework, groceries, laundry, paying bills, etc., I was barely getting things done. And some were just falling through the cracks. I wasn't functioning well during the A. Now I can gain some productivity back.

5. No more worrying about the A being discovered. (Although honestly, this wasn't a huge concern to me.)

6. Don't have to listen to xMM talk, brag & gripe about his life anymore. His wife, his mom and dad, his in-laws, his hunting, his job, etc. Also, his endless stories from his past. A lot of it was just bragging, to play himself up. He talked incessantly and I absorbed it all.

7. Now I won't spend money going shopping to find cute new clothes to wear for xMM. Didn't need to be spending that money, and that's done.

8. No more fear or potential pregnancy! (My H is fixed, xMM is not.)

9. Can reallocate time back to my social life and my friends, who had taken a back seat to my secret A. (Actually I kind of pushed everyone away because if it didn't have to do with the A, I wasn't interested.)

10. Will be able to focus on my job more. Was barely keeping up with grading, class plans, etc because xMM was just much more appealing.

11. Don't have to worry about waiting for the next text from xMM, and wondering what he's doing or if he's thinking about me, etc.

12. No longer have to waste time feeling insecure about the future of the A. I would pine over our eventual breakup before it even happened! At least I don't have to ponder that question anymore. It's done.

13. During the A, I wanted to be alone a lot when I was at home. In a different room, etc. Separated physically from my family. That really bothered me, even as it was happening. I know that it was a psychological side affect of the A.

14. Don't have to worry about doing/saying something that will make xMM angry or jealous.

15. Being gone from my home/family while off, meeting with xMM. That was bad. I'd always think, "God forbid something happens to one of my kids at home while I'm out here having this tryst, I'd never forgive myself for not being there."

16. Don't have to create new alibis all the time. Exhausting and stressful.

17. Don't have to worry about xMM getting tired of me or finding another OW.

18. Once the fog is totally cleared away and I'm no longer pining for xMM, I'll be able to focus on my marriage again and figure out what we're doing.

19. Don't have to fall any further for xMM.

This is, precisely, why I don't want to commit to a woman. Why on earth would I want this in my life? I would also have to say, I would never date a woman who had an affair in her adult life. I'm sure there are people out there who don't care, but this is one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone and I've never done that to anyone. If a woman is willing to hurt the people she loves, why would I want to be with her. Or maybe I'm just too traditional.

Edited July 13, 2013 by LSTom

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The UPSIDES of being out of an affair

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