Ladybug12 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 This weekend, we had to put our cat to sleep. We grieved for a week before his death, both of us just kind of sad around the house. Once we actually put the cat to sleep, we came home and my husband immediately started trying to get a permit to have our septic system fixed as if, task done, next task. He said he was sad about the cat too, but was trying to distract himself. I feel like he should have sat with me and kept me company. It was really more my cat as in the beginning of our relationship, it lived with me, and it seemed to prefer me more. (He had his own cat.) I was really pretty broken up about it as I've never had to put a cat to sleep before. I feel like he should have sat with me and comforted me. I tried to explain this to him and he became angry that I didn't understand his way of grieving was to distract himself. I always feel like he is unable to give me companionship in times of distress. Sometimes I feel he is callous and robotic with me and I want to end the relationship and be with someone who is warm and compassionate. I think the main reason I married him is that he seemed really committed to me and made me feel safe. but I often feel like we can't communicate at all without getting into a fight. Everything is misunderstanding. Then he is always travelling and we live in a city away from my family and close friends for his job. I feel like I am alone and even when he is here, he's emotionally absent. I feel like he puts all his energy into his job and has nothing to say to me when he gets home. He just wants to zone out. I am tired of being alone. Our lack of connection makes me never want to have sex or even kiss him. I feel repulsed by him sometimes when he tries to touch me.. But we have a 15 month old together. We're trying to work through our issues, but I feel like it's a fundamental problem with our personalities that I seek emotional connection as most important and he just wants to do fun things together and that's enough for him.. Any advice/insights?
head/heels Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Ctl+P and print out what you typed and sit him down and let him read it with you. As a married couple you need to be able to communicate first. 2
noble Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 OP - Let me ask you, when you say you "felt like he should have sat with me and comforted me" did you say that, or did you just expect him to know you wanted that? Men and women deal with things differently, and your husband wasn't lying when he said his way of dealing with his grief was trying to distract himself with another task. I know a lot of men who are like this and use that method to help them cope when there is a problem. Often times because of this it appears to women as if men just "dont care" about what's going on, but they're not like us. They don't always want to sit and talk and verbally work through their emotions -- they need to be quiet and deal with it internally sometimes. That being said, if you wanted your husband to comfort you, you should have asked him to. Just like you didn't understand his needs in his time of grief, he does not understand yours. He does not just KNOW that's what you want. So are you upset because you asked him to lay with you, hold your hand, or otherwise comfort you, and he said NO, or because you were upset and just expected him to do it, and he didnt? I find with my boyfriend that if i'm stressed, I will say something like "i really need you to just rub my back right now and let me complain" or "im upset will you please just hold me, or touch my hair? it'll relax me".. when I ask for these things he doesnt them, because he does love me and wants to give me what I need. He just doesn't KNOW what I need without me telling him. I think one of the greatest problems we can face in relationships is expecting our partners to know our needs, and be able to fulfill them. But truthfully it doesn't mean you're not right for one another if he doesnt know all your constant needs, you just need to learn to ask for them. However, if you did ask in plain english for this and he still ignored you or chose to deny you, then I would see this as a serious problem. 2
Keenly Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 You are mad at him because he didn't grieve the way you wanted him too? By confronting him about this you have effectively told him his feelings are less important than yours.
Keenly Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Also..... you are trying to turn your man into a woman.... you are resenting all the things that make him a man. Are you sure that you don't want to be married to a woman? Because that's what your post warrants.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 But we have a 15 month old together. It's hard to understand the context of your problems when you post 100+ words about your cat and mention your child as an afterthought. What kind of parent is your husband? What discussion have you had about your problems? Have you been to marriage counseling? There are significantly more important issues in life than the manner one chooses to grieve the passing of a pet. I'm just saying... Mr. Lucky
Author Ladybug12 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 Yes, I guess I do want to be married to a more womanly man. Ironically, my biggest problem with him sexually is that he is too passive outside of the bedroom, so I find it hard to see him as aggressive and dominant sexually which is what turns me on. I agree that I posted too much about my cat. I do want someone who can read my mind/ predict me/ understand what I need emotionally and sexually. Who doesn't want that after being someone with 10 years and being as communicative with them as possible. What is a relationship for if not for being understood by another person as your companion? Is that not what we're looking for? However, I also understand the "wrongness" of my trying to change him.. I guess I just feel like we will both be happier if he is more compassionate, observant, and less passive because I will be fulfilled and that will make him feel relaxed? Thank you all for your comments, I value your candidness
carhill Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 One question to ask is why you're married to him? Has he always been 'callous and robotic'? Doesn't sound too attractive to me. Certainly, at some point, he must have been 'warm and compassionate', as I can't imagine falling in love with an emotionless robot and staying with it for ten years and having children with it; the robot, I mean. What you're facing here, IMO, is a marriage-ending dynamic. Depending on how strongly *both* of you want to change/bend to resolve it into a marriage-continuing dynamic, you'll both be charged with making choices outside of your current comfort zone to achieve your goal. In that I wish you well. Shall I presume that his answer to suggesting MC is 'no'?
Quiet Storm Posted May 7, 2013 Posted May 7, 2013 Men aren't mind readers. In times of stress or grief, it is very common for women to want to express their emotions, while men prefer space. This is why it is always good to have a close friend or a sister to help meet those "emotional" needs. If you needed your husband to sit with you, then you should've told him that. Do you really feel that mind reading is a realistic expectation? It sounds like the deeper issue may be that you are not sexually attracted to your husband. If you know that you need a dominant man, why marry and have a baby with a passive one? That's not fair to you, him or the child. You can't mold him into being someone else. You want dominant in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom he should sit & cry with you, observe your emotions, cater to your needs, and still NOT be passive? And switch back to aggressive at bedtime? It sounds like you want an a la carte man. You will have to spell this out for him, because it's confusing. I don't care how long he's know you, please give him clear instructions on how to meet your needs. Otherwise, he's fighting a losing battle. Poor guy. 2
Author Ladybug12 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 I think I have over time been confused about what I've wanted. I started dating him when I was 19 and now I am 29 and more sure of who I am.. I think initially I enjoyed his passivity as it meant he was laid back and easygoing (fun when you're 19 and all you want is to go out dancing and drink). However, that also translates to not having the mental intensity to feel out what I need in bed, being somewhat lazy in bed (being perfectly happy with me making myself come at the end of sex using a vibrator instead of pursuing trying to please me himself..), and also being somewhat inattentive to me in general. He likes to play computer games and read on his phone all the time and never contributes anything about himself to conversations-- only asks questions. He never plans things or has opinions on where we go. I asked him to take over the bills to get him to make some financial decisions for us. However, he insists on never directing things (like will not say we can't afford to go out to dinner) but rather always lets me call all the shots.. and often has no idea how much money we've been spending or how much we should be spending.. I'd just like him to demonstrate to me that he has a grip on our budget.. However, he is very successful at work. I think I just feel like all his energy is reserved for his job, where he defines himself, and he does not exist much at home, except in a state of passivity and relaxation. it's lonely not to be with someone who is always just on off mode at the end of the day/weekends... with no real opinions or anything to talk about..
Author Ladybug12 Posted May 7, 2013 Author Posted May 7, 2013 We should do marriage counseling but we're on a tight budget.. I am still holding on to the hope we can work it out ourselves..
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I am still holding on to the hope we can work it out ourselves.. How has the DIY approach worked for you so far ??? Sounds like you need help and, given the stakes, I'd re-work the budget... Mr. Lucky
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